Name: Bill Burr Advice-Psycho Girlfriend
Uploaded: 2010-11-16T16:53:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice-Psycho Girlfriend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-11-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice-Psycho Girlfriend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-11-16. Transcript available.

A little bit of advice here.
Listen to this fucking situation this guy got himself into.
All right, Bill.
My girlfriend is 10 years older than me.
Oh, Jesus.
She has two kids.
Oh, Jesus.
And has been married and divorced twice.
Dude, what the fuck?
I'm 26.
Jesus Christ.
College graduate.
Has any of this made any sense to any of you?
Would anybody else be out there, 26, college fucking graduate, have a
girlfriend 10 years older than you with two kids who's been married and
divorced twice?
Good God, man.
He goes, I consider myself somewhat intelligent.
I'm sure you are, but not in this area.
By that, I mean you should have no problem understanding this email.
Well, yeah, I know.
Everybody trashes me.
I know, I know.
I'm the worst when it comes to reading this shit.
So anyways, here we go.
He says, four weeks ago, I found text messages to some dude on my girlfriend's
phone that, although innocent enough, made it clear that whoever she was
texting was on more familiar grounds than just some work colleague or a friend.
Jesus Christ, dude.
Is there going to be a happy ending here?
I confronted her.
I confronted her about it, and it predictably led to a lot of finger pointing.
We went back and forth for a few days and aired out our grievances, but it
seemed agreeable.
Now he makes, I guess, two more weeks passed by, and lo and behold, I find more
text messages from the same fucking guy.
At first I tell myself, okay, maybe she can't break things off with this dude
so quickly.
Jesus Christ, dude.
You know, sometimes liberal thought is a great thing, like let's have a fair
fucking trial for somebody before we hang them from the nearest tree, but then
there's times it's fucking stupid.
This is just liberal thought to the, I mean, how much of a benefit of the doubt
can you give somebody, you know?
So he goes, so I confront her about it, and this leads to another round of
finger pointing, at which point she tells me to pack my shit and leave.
Well, dude, I'm going to tell you right now, before I read the rest of it, that's
fucking great.
You didn't have to do any dirty work.
You're out.
You're fucking out.
So anyways, he goes, we're separated for a week when she asked me to come back
and move in.
Dude, this chick is a fucking psycho.
Here we go.
We talk about her future together.
How sorry she is to have done that to me, et cetera, et cetera.
For fuck's sakes, we're even talking about getting married when things finally
fucking evened out.
I was full of piss and vinegar and felt vindicated that I was the one wronged
in the whole situation,
and she was actually making good by taking responsibility for what she had done.
Dude, taking responsibility would have been fucking after.
Dude, the second you see those weird texts, just get, I'm telling you right now,
just get out of the relationship.
There isn't, oh, sorry.
Sorry about that.
No, that's it.
It's over.
It's fucking over.
But whatever.
You're 26.
I guess you still haven't learned.
I was dumb in my 20s, so.
Here we go.
Let's read the rest of this.
All was well and good until she didn't come home this Thursday night, November
11th.
She came in Friday morning with no explanation, no apology, no nothing.
She asked me to give her some more time, but I decided to cut bait and just get
the fuck out of the situation.
Hang on a second, everybody.
Sorry, I had to give him a little applause break there.
Of course, now I'm racked with guilt of leaving the woman I loved and lived
with for the past five fucking years.
You got with her when you were 21, dude?
She was 31?
Wait, let's do the math.
She was 31.
You were 21.
She was already married twice.
All right, this chick's a psycho.
And you know what that means?
She's fucking great in bed.
You were 21.
She fucking devastated you with fucking her pussy, right?
Best blow job you ever had.
Isn't that what happened?
And the next thing you know, you were too fucking, too young and dumb and you
fell for her.
Ah, Jesus Christ.
You stayed there for five fucking years.
So anyway, I guess this chick's still calling him, telling him she still wants
to get back together.
I feel like every time I sack up and do what I think is best for me, she wants
me back.
And every time when I do what's best for us as a couple, she uses that as an
opportunity to fuck with me all over again.
Yes, yes.
You're absolutely right.
Listen to your gut.
This guy, see, he knows the fucking answers.
He's listening to his gut.
Good fucking man.
Is it just that chicks can't handle a guy that is emotionally invested or do I
just happen to be dealing with one of those sociopaths that doesn't give a fuck
what she does so long as it suits her in the moment?
Yes.
There's plenty of fucking good women.
Well, there's not plenty of good women.
There's good women out there, all right?
Just like a good man's hard to find.
Finding a good woman is also difficult, all right?
But no, you happen to be dealing with an absolute fucking sociopath, all right?
She had a fucked up childhood.
Something happened to her.
She either got touched, her fucking dad took off.
I don't know.
Or she just got the fucking – she got one of those bad brains, you know?
I can tell you guys my theory on that, the A brain, the B brain, and the C
brain.
The A brain is the genius.
The B brain is the, dude, he's a good fucking shit, you know?
Fitzy!
And then the C brain is you're a fucking mouth-breathing moron, all right?
And when it comes to being a sociopath, that's like just – that's just like
getting an option on the car.
All brains come with that option.
It's all available.
Like satellite radio.
You know, you get satellite radio and a fucking Bentley.
You can also get it in my fucking Prius, all right?
So, did that make any fucking sense?
You got a sociopath with the fucking – she could even have the A brain.
That's the sad thing about having a fucked up childhood is she could actually
be a fucking genius.
But she's got that sociopath shit, so tell her to go call fucking Dr. Drew, all
right?
And you get the fuck out of the relationship.
So, anyways, he'd say, I'd imagine you'd agree that I did the right thing.
But it always helps to get a little bit of better perspective on it.
Dude, I totally understand.
You've been in a five-year relationship.
You're emotionally invested in this shit.
So, you know what the right thing to do is, but your emotions keep fucking with
you, all right?
So, what you got to know is just – look, going through a breakup is painful,
all right?
It's not going to not be painful.
But just because it's painful doesn't mean that it's not the right thing to do.
You are 100 fucking percent doing the right fucking thing.
You're 26 years old.
You're in the prime of your fucking life, all right?
Get out of that situation, okay?
She's 10 years older than you.
By the time you're 29, she's going to be hitting fucking menopause, all right?
Or something like that, whatever.
Sliding into it.
I have no fucking idea what she's going to be doing.
She's going to be wearing those mom jeans at that point.
She's not already, which I don't think she is.
She's probably that fucking, you know, that anorexic cougar look, you know?
Where they got a varicose vein in between their fucking – you can see their
breastplate.
Jesus Christ, Bill.
Stay on topic.
Yeah.
So, dude, just get out of that.
Hang out with your fucking fellas.
You know, hang out with your buddies.
Go out and fucking have some beers.
Join a gym.
Get fucking shredded.
Go out and start talking shit when you're ready.
But don't go back to that, man.
You dodged a fucking bullet.
The fact that you were with her for five years and you didn't knock her up and
you got
out of it, and even after five years, you're only 26 years old.
You made the best fucking move you're going to make, all right?
And now this is what you need to do.
You've been in a relationship for five years.
You need to be single for at least a fucking year and a half.
And I don't mean just be single and fucking booze.
Figure out what the fuck you're looking for, all right?
And when you meet a girl, if she doesn't have it, just walk – bang her and
leave.
You know?
There's nothing wrong with having a good fucking time, but do not get sucked
into another
fucking relationship because you're going to have to go through this shit again,
you
know?
Well, you're just sitting there and you know it's fucking wrong, but you don't
want to
go through the fucking pain of it and you keep coming back.
It's a fucking nightmare.
It's a fucking nightmare.
Good for you, sir.
I'm fucking proud of you.
You did the right thing.
You're sort of fucking wavering because you're going through the emotions.
You're only 26.
You got with her when you were 21.
It's probably your first major fucking breakup, so it's acceptable that you
fucked up and
went back that second time, but do not go back again.
And if any of your fucking friends are listening to this, don't let them do
that shit, all
right?
Tie him to a fucking bar stool and start throwing drinks down his throat.