Name: Happy Thanksgiving Everybody
Uploaded: 2010-11-23T16:06:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Happy Thanksgiving Everybody' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-11-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Happy Thanksgiving Everybody' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-11-23. Transcript available.

Have yourself a happy Thanksgiving, even if you're a vegetarian cunt.
Just eat your potatoes, stuffing, and that fuckin' goo.
But don't be a douche and say I can't eat the stuffing cause it was in the bird.
Friends, we here at the Monday Morning Podcast want to extend a very happy and
healthy Thanksgiving wish to each and every one of you.
And we would also like it if you took time to think of those who are a little
less fortunate.
That's the only fuckin' thing I hate about this holiday, right?
This is such a great fuckin' holiday.
In that, there's no corporate bullshit, right?
They can't get you—you can't—you don't have to go out and go buy anybody
anything.
Everybody just makes something to eat, you go over somebody's house, and you
fuckin' throw down.
And I don't know how, but for some reason, this unbelievable holiday has
remained, like, corporate-free.
Like, they can't figure out how the fuck to get you to buy something on a day
when it's all about feeding your fuckin' face.
Other than food, obviously.
But you know what I mean?
They haven't figured out a way to be like, is this the year you stick the ring
in the yams?
Buy her a car on Thanksgiving.
You know, God knows it would be all about the fuckin' broads, right?
The fuck are you gonna get, huh?
Some sort of—what are you gonna get, huh?
One of those buzzer rings, huh, to make your friends laugh around the water
bubbler?
That stunk.
That was a bad example.
You know why?
Because I have no fuckin' example.
Because basically, when you're a man, you stop getting good gifts past the age
of 12.
Once you're too old for toys, that's it.
You get clothes.
You get bullshit, right?
The fuckin' broads sit there,
I want this shiny thing that costs—
It only costs six weeks of your pay.
Really?
Why don't you take this fuckin' piece of coal,
stick it up your hoo-ha,
and see what happens in six weeks.
If it's shiny, stick it on your finger.
If it isn't, shut it.
You—stick it in your fuckin' pie hole.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Sorry.
This is supposed to be about giving thanks.
No, so I love this fuckin' holiday.
You know, I like to eat.
Hey, who doesn't, right?
But every time, they have to still fuckin' ruin it.
One of these—these network douchebags
during the Macy's Day parade
when they're sittin' there with their network earmuffs and gloves on,
right, with the fuckin' McGruff trench coat.
They always have to say, you know,
Thanksgiving's such a wonderful time of year,
and blah, blah, blah, all this shit,
you're ready to throw down.
And then they gotta go, at the last second,
be like,
but what about Haiti?
And then they gotta show a bunch of fuckin' earthquake victims
still trapped under his swing set.
You know, it's like,
can you just—can I just have one holiday off?
Can I do that?
So, I'm not—all I'm gonna do is I'm gonna watch the fuckin' football.
Did that make sense?
Anyways,
hey, am I the only guy who gets creeped out
by that fuckin' eight-legged turkey
John Madden has every year?
Did he stop doin' that
because he's retired now?
There was always somethin' a little wrong about that.
Or, well, maybe there was a little bit of foreshadowing
of what man-made turkeys are gonna look like
in a few years, right?
I mean, they already do that with the chickens, don't they?
People like wide meat, right?
So they gave them fuckin' steroids,
and now they can't even walk
because their pecs are tippin' them over.
Do you guys see Food, Inc?
I was thinking about all the people
who don't get to laugh in the world this week.
You know, this week when we're supposed to give thanks.
Hey, England and Australia.
And Sweden.
Hey, we'll throw Denmark in there, too.
What's up there, Ireland?
What do you say there, Madagascar?
Do you guys have any sort of week like that
where you have a big feast?
What about the Irish?
You guys gotta have some big thing
that, you know, turns into some sort of drunken brawl.
Uh, Jesus Christ.
Can you go with any more hacky shit?
Yeah, let's go to Scotland.
And then you put your fuckin' skirts on, right?
You fuckin' skirt-wearing kunts.
Um, do you guys have any days like that
where all you're supposed to do
is just sit down and eat,
and then there always has to be the Debbie Downer
who just sits there and starts talking
about the less fortunate, you know?
Or one of these fuckin' celebrities
who has to do a little public service announcement.
You know, during this week of Thanksgiving,
let's not forget about those
Colombian miners,
or wherever the fuck they were from.
Oh, wait, they got rescued.
But still, they were down in that hole
for a long time.
I like how this is like the one time a year, too,
when people all of a sudden go out
and they want to feed a homeless guy.
You know, I had a buddy of mine did that,
and he went down there,
and they thought that they were all
gonna be fuckin' high-fiving him,
and they were actually,
they actually got pissed at him.
They're like, well, where the fuck are you
the other 11 months of the year?
He was like, wow, that's a good point.
God bless all of you.
Have a happy Thanksgiving.
If you're not in this country,
have a happy fuckin' Thursday.