Name: Bill Burr - Body Scanners at Airports
Uploaded: 2010-11-23T18:01:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Body Scanners at Airports' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-11-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Body Scanners at Airports' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-11-23. Transcript available.

All right, question. Bill, being a frequent flyer, don't you think this
controversy over the new body scanners is fucking bullshit?
A guy hit a bomb in his fucking underwear. What exactly do these complaining
bastards expect us to scale back on security?
We have become so pampered and used to the utmost comfort that we are doing the
terrorist job for them.
Who gives a fuck if someone is seeing your cock or your tits? He or she is
seeing hundreds a day.
You, sir, are a fucking moron. All right. If you go through airport security, I
don't know if you've noticed, they're not exactly the fucking Navy SEALs,
although they have gotten better in the last couple of years.
But they don't, you know, they're always shooting the shit. They're always
fucking around. They're not really paying attention.
It doesn't really look like it's a high-paying fucking job. All right, let's go
with that.
All right, let's go with, secondly, a body scanner, entire body scanner.
Let's get over the fact that you don't want a naked picture of yourself, which
is your fucking right to not want that, by the way.
All right. Secondly, I don't know about you, but I fly every other weekend, and
when I go on benders like this at the end of the year because I owe the banker
cunts and the fucking government a bunch of money, I go on like, you know, four
or five weeks in a row.
I fly. All right?
So I got to get a full-on body scan on the way out and the way back.
You know, I really have to start checking to see that I'm not going to be
completely filled up with memory on this fucking Olympus LS-10.
They have the goddamn time right there.
I apologize.
Let me get back to what the fuck I was talking about.
Yeah, so you're basically saying that I shouldn't complain, that like six weeks
in a fucking row and a total of 12 times, I'm going to take radiation from head
to fucking toe.
All right?
And don't even tell me, oh, it's only for a fucking second.
Dude, when you go to get your fucking, you know, teeth x-rayed, they put that
leather, fucking that lead vest, leather, that lead vest over all your fucking
organs, and then they go, they leave the fucking room.
And I'm supposed to stand there like I'm at a Jay-Z concert, and I'm getting frisked
at the same time with my fucking leg spread and doing that Jay-Z thing over my
head.
And they're going to, no, fuck that.
There's cancer in my family.
I'm not doing it.
I'm not doing it.
Pat me down.
So that's what I did on the way out.
I was like, yeah, I'm not doing that thing.
And I said to pat me down.
So then, you know, they did it.
And they said, they came up to me, and this guy said, I have to pat you down.
Are there any parts of your body that are sensitive?
And I wanted to be like, well, I think all of us have areas of our bodies that
are sensitive.
Just to creep them out.
I was basically like, no, go ahead, grab my balls.
I don't give a fuck.
Right?
I didn't know what he was going to do.
Right?
So he puts on his dishwashing gloves and starts patting me down.
And they don't grab your balls.
What they do is they go way up your inner thigh.
And he gives you a ball bag, a little bit of a backhand on each side of the
ball bag, you know?
So, and I got to admit, it made me laugh a little bit.
Yeah, I don't give a fuck.
Yeah, go fuck yourself.
Yeah, you're not taking a fucking head to toe naked fucking picture of me as
you, you know.
You're not fucking radiating my entire body so I can get on a fucking puddle
jumper to go to Hartford.
I'm not doing that.
Go fuck yourself.
Jesus Christ.
Lazy motherfuckers.
You know, what people forget.
I just don't, I don't get it.
You know what I mean?
This is what I understand that they're, you know, quote unquote trying to keep
me safe.
But what I don't understand is that people don't understand that during those
times of fear and let's try to keep you safe, the amount of fucking, like,
privilege that you lose and you never fucking get it back.
And they always take a little more than they should.
That's why it's great that people bitch.
And it's great that you can bitch because if you bitch like this in China, they'd
probably put you to death and then harvest your fucking organs.
All right?
So, yeah, I think it's fine with the amount of fucking cancer that's out there
and that people fucking talk on their cell phones all the goddamn time.
You don't want to end it, you know, you don't want to add to it with head to
toe fucking zap of fucking radiation.
You know, I'm standing there.
I don't have my fucking shoes on.
I'm stripped down to a fucking T-shirt.
I got jeans on and shit.
I don't have anything on me.
You know?
And there's all this fucking flipping out about the fucking airplanes.
What about trains?
You could literally have a box that said, I have dynamite on the side of it and
you could, the fucking conductor would help you carry it on.
There's no metal detectors.
There's no nothing.
Despite the fact that 15 years ago, that guy got on the Long Island Railroad
and shot the whole fucking thing up.
So, I don't like that.
I don't like that whole fucking eye scan my retina shit.
No.
Go fuck yourself.
I'm not doing that.
And, um, it's your right, dude.
If you have no problem with it, you know, good luck with your testicular slash
brain slash tongue slash throat slash big toe cancer.
If you fly all the fucking time like a lot of people.
I'm not doing that shit.
I'm not fucking doing that.
That's, uh, yeah, fuck that.
You know, and you're acting like before this shit went down, they haven't been
keeping us safe.
You know?
They have been.
Since 9-11.
Knock on wood.
Nothing has fucking happened before those stupid body scanners.
Nothing has fucking happened.
All right?
We're fine.
Everything is fucking fine.
You don't need those goddamn things.
You know what's funny?
Is if next week somebody actually does something, the conspiracy theorists are
going to say that the government did it because people were refusing those body
scanners.
All right, that's just my opinion, man.
I seriously, you know, I'm not trying to get head-to-toe radiation.
I get that they're trying to fucking keep me safe.
But, you know, if they truly wanted to keep me fucking safe, they wouldn't be
shooting the shit and joking the amount of fucking times that they are when I'm
going through.
All right?
And that happens a lot.
Specifically, it's the person who's looking at the TV screen.
It's talking about whatever and it's joking and laughing, which you're going to
do because they have an unbelievably boring fucking job.
I would be doing the same goddamn thing.
But if they truly gave a fuck, they would spend a lot more money on the people
that they get to do the security rather than these newfangled fucking goddamn
machines.
I'm not going through those.
Pat me down.
Give my fucking ball bag a couple of backhands with your dishwashing gloves.
I don't give a fuck.
But I'm not going to stand there, spread eagle, and end up with cancer or the taint.
All right?
But, you know, do you guys want to do it?
Go ahead and do it.
I don't give a fuck.
But I hope enough of you say no so it doesn't become mandatory.
All right.