Name: Bill Burr-Pressure of Buying a Gift for a Woman
Uploaded: 2010-11-30T08:33:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Pressure of Buying a Gift for a Woman' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-11-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Pressure of Buying a Gift for a Woman' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-11-30. Transcript available.

That's something I could talk about.
I haven't started my shopping yet.
I'm at that weird age where, you know, I don't have any fucking kids.
So I don't have to do that.
All my friends are too fucking old.
What am I going to buy them, you know?
We're at the cologne and new shirt age.
You know, everyone in my family has their own fucking lives.
They have their own.
So my overhead is really not that high.
All I got to do is just buy something for my girl, and I'm done.
And I'm done.
You know, actually, I'm thinking of getting her.
I was driving by Arby's the other night, and I saw underneath the sign
that they have these Christmas gift packs.
And it's this booklet.
It's really cool because they have, like, coupons for everything on their menu
at a discount because, you know,
what if she doesn't want one of those awful roast beef sandwiches?
Maybe she just wanted to go in there and get the fucking onion rings, you know?
Wouldn't that be awesome to do that just as a fuck you
to the pressure of getting something nice for the woman in your life?
If just one year you just went out
and just bought her a gift like that,
how do you think your girl would react?
Well, you can't go that low because that's, like, insulting.
You can't get her a fucking coupon.
But, you know, it gets to the point, like,
how much fucking money do I got to spend on you?
You know, what if you bought her, like, a really nice bathrobe?
You know, that's something she can wear every day
when she gets out of the shower, really nice and comfy,
and you give it to her, and she thinks, like,
ooh, this is just one of the build-up gifts.
And it's like, no, that is the gift.
That is the one.
There it is.
Merry Christmas.
You know, that would be a great thing.
Just to, you know, I know something, that's a great idea.
If you actually got her something really nice, do something like that.
Just act like there's no other gifts.
And then just watch her stewing and figuring out how to play it, you know,
because she's mad at you, all right,
because you didn't get her something good enough.
But she has to play it right because if she flips out too much,
she's going to look selfish, you know,
because she has to be honestly sitting there thinking, like,
well, wait a minute.
What if he really thought that this is enough?
You know, how rude of it would it be for me to be giving you shit?
Oh, wait a minute.
Wow, I just had a flashback.
I just had a flashback one time.
Oh, my God.
One time, one of my first girlfriends, right?
I grew up with all brothers, right?
I don't mean black people.
I mean that siblings.
And I had – so I didn't know shit about women, you know?
And a lot of you who are listening to this probably still think I don't.
So anyways, my first girlfriend, I went to buy her something for her birthday.
What the fuck did I get her?
I was on the road and I was – no, I was on the road.
I was already a comedian.
This wasn't my first – like, this is my second serious girlfriend.
I was like 25 years old, 24, 25.
And I was in the mall and I bought her this shirt.
It was her birthday.
And I swear to God, I think it was one of those – you know those polo style
shirts?
I bought her one of those and it was like striped.
I got her two of them.
And I wrapped her up and she was all excited.
She was this complete fucking psycho that I was dating.
As I told you before, you know what the deal is.
When somebody is dating a psycho and you're sitting there going, why are they
dating this fucking person?
You know why.
All psychos are good in bed.
At least everyone that I ever met.
Not only are they good in bed, they're fucking unbelievable in bed.
All right?
So I'm sitting there like – you know, I don't know why I didn't – I just
asked a woman, just help me out here.
But I basically bought her what I would have bought my older brother.
So – and this is the thing.
I hadn't had a girlfriend in a couple of fucking years.
You know, just one of those periods where I was just focusing on becoming a
comedian.
And I don't even think I was really even – I went through a fucking dry spell,
like an 18-month fucking not hooking up nothing.
So this girl, this psycho comes into my life.
So I buy her these two fucking eyes-odd-looking shirts that, you know – a
married father with three.
With three fucking kids would be pissed if he got that.
And I gave it to this.
This girl was fucking hot too, right?
And I gave it to her.
She's all excited.
I had it professionally wrapped.
That's the one thing I did.
So she's thinking it's going to be something nice.
And she goes and she fucking unwraps this damn thing.
And she opened it up and she just like – and I was standing up and I was so
fucking nervous.
And she just goes like, what?
She's like, what is this?
What, you bought me this?
And she starts holding it.
You bought me this?
She's like, this is stupid.
She kind of like threw it down.
I can't remember what the fuck she said.
All I remember was by the end of it, I was sitting and she was standing.
And she was fucking like – I was getting scolded like a child.
You know like your first girlfriend with your first relationship or whatever?
You just think of the dumb shit that you did.
This is like my second one, but I'm such a moron.
I had to learn this shit over again.
I was just sitting there getting fucking scolded for like 10 minutes about this
awful fucking – and admittedly, it was awful.
But what the fuck?
You know?
What kind of a fucking cunt would do that?
I don't even date in her like fucking two months, but she – I sat there like
this sad kid getting scolded.
And it was one of those things where I – the only reason why I sat there was
because I was so embarrassed.
And I didn't have a lot of experience with women and all I wanted to do – I
wanted to crawl out of there.
It felt like the way it felt the first time I bombed doing jokes.
That's how bad it felt.
And then as she got to the end of her 10-minute fucking tirade about how bad
this fucking gift was,
that's when I started getting my feet underneath me where finally the shame and
the embarrassment had gone away
because she just gave me shit for so long that I was actually able to regroup.
And I was like, wait a minute.
I don't even think I yelled at her.
I just remember that switch in my head just went, you know what?
Fuck this person.
Next.
And later on that night, she actually called me up and apologized.
It was just like, yeah, listen, I probably shouldn't have said that.
And I was totally passive-aggressive.
No, no, it's fine.
No, it's cool.
You know back then when you don't know how to get out of a relationship?
No, no, it's too.
It's cool.
So you want to come see me tonight?
Actually, I got to fix the toilet, fucking clean off the stove.
My brother's coming to town.
I gave her every fucking excuse.
And I basically, in a coward way, just sort of backed my way out of it.
Is that how that happened?
Oh, no, wait.
I remember how I got out of it.
But I can't tell you because it's fucking horrific.
And some stuff is just too personal.
And I'm going to leave you at that.
I'm going to leave you fucking hanging.