Name: Bill Burr-Sarcasm
Uploaded: 2010-12-07T10:08:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Sarcasm' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-12-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Sarcasm' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-12-07. Transcript available.

that was one of those times where I was just like, you know what?
There's not enough lightning in the world.
You know, just as far as the odds of being struck by lightning,
we need to bring that average up because the amount of fucking morons out
there versus actually intelligent people, you're going to hit a fucking moron.
You know, basically going to hit a moron or you're going to hit the ocean.
Those are going to be the top two in that order.
Even though the fucking world is three quarters fucking water,
you still got a higher chance as lightning to fucking hit a moron.
I'm telling you, that's my goddamn theory.
And that's what I want the new stat to be.
Rather than being like, you know, the odds of getting hit by lightning are
higher than blah, blah, blah.
I want it to turn into, I want so much lightning that the new stat is
the odds of an intelligent person actually being hit by lightning are X, Y, and
Z.
Do you like how in my own little Stalin-esque world that I'm actually
intelligent
and everybody else is just a sea of morons?
Huh?
You don't have thoughts like that?
Murderous thoughts?
I was actually talking to this broad up in San Francisco,
and I got this whole chunk about hitting women that I've been doing on stage.
And there's actually something embarrassing, I have to admit, about myself.
As much as I do the comedy thing for a living, I'm really bad at picking up on
sarcasm.
I don't know why.
I use sarcasm.
I'm sarcastic, right?
But for some reason, when someone uses it against me, I just, like that old guy
downstairs.
Remember I told you that shit last year when I was dragging my Christmas tree
down the stairs?
And he stuck his head out the window, and he just goes, beautiful morning, isn't
it?
And he had this fucked up look on his face, but he said, beautiful morning, isn't
it?
So I was confused, and I just went, yeah, yeah, it is a beautiful morning.
And I'm thinking, why is he yelling with that twisted up look on his face?
And then I walked around the corner.
I was like, oh, he didn't mean it.
What he really meant was, you're making a lot of fucking noise, ruining this
beautiful morning.
So he got me.
Then I always end up feeling stupid.
So, you know, I'm doing this whole chunk on hitting the broads over there,
right?
And I'm standing afterwards, whoring myself out, right?
Selling my DVD, showing a little bit of leg, doing what I got to do.
And this fucking woman is walking out, and her husband is sort of shuffling her
out.
And she starts going, oh, yeah, she has this, once again, the twisted up look
on her face.
She goes, thanks for the domestic violence jokes.
I really appreciated it.
I really appreciated the domestic violence jokes.
Thanks a lot for the domestic violence jokes.
That's what she was doing.
And because she was saying thanks, it just, it went totally past my head.
I was more just confused by her facial expression.
So she said, yeah, I really appreciated it.
Thanks a lot.
I'm literally just waving, going, all right, glad you enjoyed the show.
Which is funny, because it probably pissed her off more.
But I was sincerely thanking her, completely missing her sarcasm.
What she was really saying was, I've either dealt with that personally, or that's
happening to somebody right now, or has happened to someone.
Or I grew up with it, or whatever.
And you brought up bad memories, and you ruined my fucking evening.
That's what she was really saying.
But of course, I took it at face value, which actually, when I look back on it,
I think makes it even funnier.
Because who's kidding who?
She already thinks I'm a fucking moron at that point.
You know?
So, it would actually, would have made her a little bit happier if I tried to
appear intelligent.
It's like, actually, you missed the point of that joke.
What I was really trying to do is expose the hypocrisy of some of the
relationships between the male and female sexes.
If I went that route, you know, then she could have gotten this whole...
But the fact that I literally was the moron that she thought I was, and then
that there was this whole line of people.
You know what I just realized?
I should be struck by lightning.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm one of those fucking morons.
Yeah.