Name: Bill Burr's Christmas Tree
Uploaded: 2010-12-14T19:11:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Christmas Tree' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-12-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Christmas Tree' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-12-14. Transcript available.

So anyways, I go, yeah, we got to go get the Christmas tree.
So for the last two years, I have to admit something to you people, all right?
I have been going down to get these fucking Christmas trees, and I have been
getting the traditional Christmas tree, and we all know what it looks like, all
right?
It looks like someone on The Biggest Loser about four weeks in.
That's what a Christmas tree is supposed to be, about that full, you know?
But there's these other Christmas trees that I noticed, not the scrawny ones,
but they are minimalist Christmas trees where you can see the entire trunk, and
it's like they still have the branches, but they're – it's very, like,
symmetrical.
It looks fucking cool as hell.
Clean-looking Christmas tree, right?
It looks like one of those trees in, like, the Dr. Seuss books, you know?
So I go, you know what?
Fuck this.
I'm going to get something different.
I like this tree.
It looks fucking cool.
I think the ornaments are going to hang off it much better.
You know when you get one of those full trees?
You know, this – yeah, it's just – it's a fucking pain in the ass.
And then at the end of the goddamn, you know, Christmas season, if you're not a
dick and you just don't throw it out the side of your car like a fucking –
some, you know, some piece of degenerate gambler that owed you money.
I said have it by Tuesday!
And then you just throw it out the fucking car, right?
If you actually do it the right way and you saw it up, it's a pain in the ass.
It makes an unbelievable mess.
This thing – you know what it's like?
It's like you ever walk into, like – like when I'm out with Nia and we go out
to one of her clothing stores and if it's like a corporate place, the place is
just jam-packed with shit.
But if it's, like, privately owned, they go out and they buy these individual
pieces.
They'll buy a couple of sizes of each thing that they like and you go in there.
You pray to God that they have your size.
And you go in and it's very minimalist.
That's the sort of Christmas tree that I bought.
And, you know, Nia's a fashionista, so I thought she would like it.
So I bring this Christmas tree in.
And the second she looks at it – because I think she's going to be like, you
know – like I literally just have, like, techno music on.
Like I'm so far into the fucking future here.
The second she looks at it, all my confidence just drains out the bottom of my
shoes.
And I go, yeah, this is the Christmas tree.
And she goes, oh, yeah?
She goes, where's the rest of it?
I'm like, no, no, that's the style.
That's the style.
It's supposed to look like that.
I go, doesn't it cool?
I mean, it looks like one of those trees in Dr. Seuss.
She goes, yeah, she goes, I think it looks more like that Christmas tree in
that Charlie Brown cartoon.
It's not how I feel like an asshole.
So because I love the verbal abuse that you guys give me every fucking week, I'm
actually going to be dumb enough to send a picture of my Christmas tree.
Now, granted, it's naked.
It's not all dressed up.
It's not all dolled up.
All right?
It's like Charlize Theron in that stupid movie Monster that rather than chastising
her for being a murderous cunt,
they actually made a movie that said maybe guys ought to look at themselves and
treat bitches a little bit better before they go and start killing you after a
blowjob.
Wasn't that the message of the movie?
That's the message I got.
So anyways, it doesn't have any makeup on, which I think should automatically
give it a Golden Globe for being that courageous.
It was so brave.
It was such a brave performance.
Just take a look at the Christmas tree.
Tell me what you think.
I think it looks fucking badass.
I love it.
I fucking love it.
And I stand by it.
You know, I'm breaking a little tradition here.
So go on the MMPodcast.com.
Take a look at my Christmas tree.
We'll have a whole section where you can leave your goddamn comments about what
a moron you think I am.
Or maybe you actually like them.