Name: Bill Burr - Conspiracy Theory
Uploaded: 2011-01-04T07:27:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Conspiracy Theory' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-01-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Conspiracy Theory' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-01-04. Transcript available.

Uh, here's some, here's some conspiracy theory for you. Somebody said, Bill,
the, they, uh, he wrote, they are watching. And, um, I got trashed for talking
about conspiracy theory. I've been trashed for talking about those automated
checkout lines in the grocery store and saying that I'm paranoid and I'm afraid
of technology and all this technology is just going to help my life and make my
life more easier.
And why don't you trust these big fucking corporations? Basically it's the shit
that people are giving me. So I have to get in trash for all, you know, talking
shit about all these corporations and actually having the audacity to think
that bankers were all trying to team up and have one world bank, you know, to
become the loan sharks for not every, not only individual, but actual countries.
Okay. Which is something that I was thinking about when I was at the Rose bowl
stone sober. And I was sitting there on the golf course and I was looking at
these houses up on, up on the ridge of this hill that actually looked down on,
on the Rose bowl, the granddaddy of them all. These people have a house that
looks down on it.
And I was actually envisioning that those were all bankers up there. And while
the game was going on and 104,000 people or 96,000, whoever showed up for that
game was sitting there going fucking crazy.
One of those piece of shit bankers up there could put his hand on his son's
shoulder and be like, see all those people down there. They owe all of us money.
They all owe me money, son. I'm getting a piece of all of their fucking paychecks
and they don't even know it.
They don't even know that their daddy is looking down on him right now.
Now, had I been drinking,
that thought would have probably caused me to, uh, you know,
entertain the thought of climbing up that hill and throwing a rock through one
of the windows,
which of course I wouldn't have done because even my drunkest, I am,
I am aware that I don't want to go to jail and get raped.
And secondly, I, I, I'm not going to go all the way up that fucking hill.
So what I would have done is I probably would have yelled at that kid with the
light purple slacks.
I would have commented really loud about that dude's fucking, uh,
eczema flaking off into the back of his goddamn sweatshirt.
Um, so anyways, this guy sends me this email and he says, uh,
Bill, the they's in this blog, when I say they are watching our big business,
not the Illuminati, but they are just as evil as any bank or secret society.
They don't even need your signature. Listen to this shit.
They don't even need your signature for these information gathering trader
where
programs to monitor everything from where the device is to what your heart rate
is.
What is trader where? That's the question I had. Um,
your digital camera may embed metadata into photographs with cameras,
serial number, or your location.
Your printer may be incorporating a secret code on every page it prints,
which could be used to identify the printer and potentially the person who used
it.
Now, now the fucking morons, the sheep out there would be like, yeah,
that's in case you threaten the president.
They're just doing it for the good of all people.
Um, if Apple puts a particularly creepy patent,
I guess Apple's applying for this.
Is it recently applied for the use?
Um, for, um,
you can look forward to a day when your iPhone may record your voice,
take a picture of your location,
record your heartbeat and send that information back to the mothership.
This is trade aware devices that act behind your back and betray your privacy.
Now, this is what the moron sheep are going to be to say, well,
if you ain't doing nothing wrong,
what's the problem?
That's, that's the philosophy.
That was the philosophy behind why they can record your phone calls.
Now, if you ain't doing nothing,
we're tasty.
You come on frogs.
You ain't doing nothing wrong.
Do you realize how fucking dumb that mindset is?
So basically,
as long as you do what the people in power tell you what to do,
you won't have a problem.
Do you understand how dangerous that is?
Do you understand how fucking stupid it is to have that level of faith in the
people who rule you?
You know what I mean?
You haven't noticed how much power can fuck somebody over.
Like for some reason,
we only seem to focus on when celebrities get famous and then they wig out and
start becoming these fucking mini tyrants.
For some reason,
people don't feel they just have like this because they wave the flag and they,
and they play those songs that make you choked up that they never feel like
that they'll have any sort of ulterior motive for this.
This is the type of technology that allows,
a small group of people to take over the world.
Something that sociopaths have been trying to do since the beginning of time.
And they were never able to do it because at some point your army would be
stretched too thin.
Right?
Germans,
the fucking Roman Empire,
all that shit.
At some point,
the fucking Japanese,
all of them,
everybody who's ever tried to fucking do it.
At some point,
it gets stretched too thin.
So America,
what we've done
is we've then,
we've,
we've,
we've done the,
we're putting this base here to protect you thing.
That brilliant thing.
That's how we got our world empire.
So we just have a base.
Then also we have these insane weapons where we can nuke everybody.
So we were able to kind of do it that way.
But the problem is,
is when you really get into sociopathic thought and just like those people who
are so into power that it makes their dick hard is they want to know,
they want to be able to see everybody,
know what they're thinking and know what they're doing at all times.
Because not only are they psychos,
but with that level of power becomes this unbelievable level of paranoia.
Like those people with those houses sitting on the ridge,
looking down into the Rose Bowl.
There's a fear.
Like we sit there looking up at them,
go,
look,
they got the fucking world.
There was a fear of when you attain that level of wealth of losing all of it.
And you,
you begin on this,
this quest to quiet your mind.
You want,
you want to get a level of wealth and control in your life that you are
guaranteed that it will never go away in your lifetime or your kid's lifetime
or your kid's kids.
So basically everybody that you know and love will be okay and you will be okay.
You get into that psychotic fucking mindset and you give those kinds of people
this level of fucking technology and you're going to have a problem.
I think that's unbelievable that this shit is.
And so they have this,
this website here,
the EFF electronic frontier foundation that is trying to fight these things
being put into the detect,
you know,
the cameras,
the cell phones and all that shit.
Like the fact that there's a tracking device in your cell phone.
Like how come we didn't get to vote on that?
How come we don't get to vote on that type of stuff?
I don't want people knowing where the fuck I am at all goddamn times.
Okay.
And I don't need you to show me,
Oh,
we caught this fucking child molester with that.
So because of that,
now everybody has to be like,
give me a fucking break.
They always have like,
you know,
there's,
you know,
a handful of good examples for that level of fucking control.
And then there's a zillion bad ones.
So I am 100% against this shit.
And,
um,
there's always been evil people in the fucking world.
There's always going to be evil fucking people in the world.
And when you get,
when you have this kind of technology that you're going to,
you're going to stop,
they're going to stop small evil,
like individual,
you know,
uh,
uh,
a fucking,
uh,
serial rapist,
which you definitely want to stop.
All right.
But the price we're going to pay is you're going to allow a Stalin or a
Hitler,
Pol Pot,
whoever the fuck you want to,
that you're going to let you with that level of technology up.
Someone like that could get in power and run the fucking world.
So,
you know,
I don't know.
And I,
I totally 100% believe that you could roll all your fucking eyes all you
want.
I,
I,
I,
I honestly believe that.
And I also believe that the reason why there's so many of us right now and
that the people at the top are not fucking concerned about it is because we're
all expendable.
And when the waters rise up,
the temperatures goes up and everything,
they're not going to be the ones who are drowning.
You can guarantee that they're using our taxpayer money to build some sort of
something to make sure that they're okay.
And I think that their bailout plan because they know they can't stop people
from fucking
because it feels too goddamn good.
And dicks and pussies are readily available to anyone.
It's like air,
you know?
So I think what they're going to gradually do is phase us out with robots and
automated shit,
which is why I refuse to use it.
Now,
how fucking crazy do I sound right now?
Has there been anything funny in the last fucking five?
This is shit that I truly believe.
You know,
corporations own like the DNA of a grizzly bear.
That's why they don't give a fuck that.
They're cutting down its habitat.
They're like,
I will fucking grow another one in a Petri dish.
We're trying to take over everything and then wipe out.
I think they're going to try to wipe out the poor in the middle class.
Keep a couple of us,
like a small handful of us,
you know,
the way that pandas are only in like zoos at this point or some shit.
I don't know.
Maybe I picked the wrong fucking animal,
but that's,
that's the direction I think it's going.
All right.
This is your first crazy rant,
which was based mainly in gut feelings and a couple of emails.
But,
um,
I truly believe that.