Name: Bill Burr - Corporate Bullshit
Uploaded: 2011-01-11T07:45:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Corporate Bullshit' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-01-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Corporate Bullshit' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-01-11. Transcript available.

Dear Bill, recently, I had to return some items at the mall.
It was the day after Christmas, and I was with a girl I was dating.
With the girl that I was dating.
She wanted to return some shoes, so we went to the Journey store where the
shoes were bought.
When she got to the counter to return the shoes, the girl behind the counter
asked her for her name, address, email, and phone number.
Oh, my God. The amount of fucking people who actually give out that information.
My girlfriend just gave the information over as soon as the girl asked for it.
We were leaving the store. I remarked that I thought it was bullshit that she
had to give away personal information to return a pair of shoes.
She said it was not a big deal, but I didn't like it.
All right. Why the fuck would you give somebody all that information?
And just in case you're new to my podcast, you can say no.
Can I, you know, I go out to buy shit all the time.
Can I have your phone number? No.
I don't even say, I don't even try to make it nice.
I just say no.
And then they go, oh, okay.
You know, why do you feel like you got to give them their information?
You're trying to buy something.
I'm sorry. I can't, I can't sell you this unless I get your information.
Well, then go fuck yourself.
I'll buy it somewhere else.
I don't even need it anyways.
So anyways, he goes, next, we go to American Eagle.
You guys hit all the hotspot, huh?
Then we went to Cinnabon.
Next, we went to American Eagle where I had to return a shirt that was a gift.
There was a long line for returns.
Why'd you return the shirt?
Did it not fit or was it ugly as hell?
Or was it both?
As I was waiting in line, one of the employees comes up to me with a clipboard
with a little form to fill out.
Now, is anybody else kind of getting the prison camp vibe here?
You know, you're standing in line to get processed and there's a guy coming up.
And what is your name, please?
Your phone number?
I stopped the employee and asked her why she needed this information.
And she says that it was to verify my purchase.
How fucking dumb are people?
You're going to verify my purchase?
Well, here's the sales slips there, sweetheart.
This verifies it.
That's it.
I don't know what to tell you.
Why don't you and your clipboard?
Why don't you hold that clipboard between your little fucking beef curtains and
take a fucking walk down the street?
How about that, huh, sweetheart?
Sir, there's no reason to use that type of language.
Go fuck yourself.
How about I fucking grab that ponytail and just, no, let's keep it clean this
week, shall we, people?
Anyway, he goes, before I could protest further, she said that I could just put
my name on it.
Oh, on the clipboard?
When she walked away, I pulled out the gift receipt and said to my girlfriend,
oh, here it is.
Yeah, this is what verifies my purchase.
Exactly.
The clipboard employee wasn't as far away as I thought she was and heard me say,
did I read that wrong?
Yeah, heard me say, heard me say this, and she began to explain further why I
needed to give over the information.
This is the part of the email I hate.
He goes, I apologized and told her I realized it wasn't her and that it was
just her company's policy that she was enforcing.
She walked away again.
I felt bad, so the next time I saw her, I apologized and said I realized that
she was just doing her job, but she ignored me.
She was probably pissed because it was the day after Christmas and I was
causing her grief, but she could at least accept my apology, you bitch.
I love how you go from being totally liberal and seeing somebody's fucking side
of it to being, yeah, man up, you cunt.
Anyway, I got up to the counter and there wasn't any further problems.
The guy at the register just took my name and didn't ask me for anything.
I felt as though I had a small victory against the big corporations.
Then this week, I had to go back to the store to return a hat my girlfriend got.
Did you guys not make Christmas lists or are all your relatives blind?
This seems to be a lot of returning of gifts.
This is hilarious.
You're returning a hat that your girlfriend got you.
Dude, how horrific was that hat?
Can you please send me a picture of it if you took one before you returned it?
Picture one of those plaid Charlie Chaplin hat.
I had the receipt, but again, the girl at the register asked me for my address
and phone number.
I said I didn't want to give that information to her.
Immediately, panic sets in on her face and she says that I have to.
I said that I didn't have to the day after Christmas and I wasn't going to now.
Good for you.
She calls over a co-worker and they both get defensive and hold to the idea
that I have to give over my information in order to return a stupid hat, even
though I had my receipt.
I asked why and they let me slide on this before and they maintained that I had
to give them my name, address, and phone number.
So what did I do in the face of corporate opposition?
I caved and I gave it to them.
You fucking pussy.
Dude, the second you saw the panic on their face, you knew that they were going
to lose.
All right?
He goes, I just don't get it, Bill.
Why is the receipt not enough nowadays?
It is enough.
They say they need our personal information to verify a purchase.
They're not, dude.
They're not.
All right?
All of that shit, all those little save, you know, you want to get one in our
discount store.
They're creating a file on you.
They figure out what you want to buy, what they can market towards you, and
then they take that information and they sell it to other fucking companies.
Even though they say they're not going to, they sell your information.
Your information gets up on the internet.
And that's why there's all these creepy websites out there right now that have
all this fucking information about you, about, you know, how many siblings you
have, your brothers' and sisters' names.
They all use that information to fucking – it's – I'm telling you.
Don't give them your information.
You don't have to give them your information.
And people out there who just have this fucking attitude towards these
corporations just sitting there going like, well, you know, what do they – I
mean, as long as you're not doing anything wrong, I mean, what do I care if
they know where I live?
What do I care?
Just fucking morons.
I don't even – I've explained this shit until I'm blue in the face.
And then I always get these emails from these people.
They just – I don't know.
I can't even – I said something the other day.
You know, I was sitting there listening – I was sitting there – I was
listening to sports radio, you know, because I'm a deep thinker, right?
And this new guy got on sports radio out here in Los Angeles and, you know, he
does what most people do when they have nothing to say, which is they just
start – they just go over-the-top arrogant.
You know what I mean?
Like he was talking about how he wanted to get some sort of sports coach or
personality on the show.
But he doubted he could get him as a guest because the guest hated him.
And he goes, you know, because I disagreed with him on something – he was
talking to a coach and he was actually disagreeing with the fucking coach.
He's disagreeing with the guy.
And he goes, you know what the problem is, you know, he goes like, I'm just
like such a good debater.
I actually end up like convincing myself of my own opinion.
He actually said that over the airwaves.
And I just sort of muttered to myself that the confidence of morons is
staggering.
You know what I mean?
Morons think they know everything.
That's what makes them fucking morons.
And like the emails I get with people who don't question this shit, which is
– I don't know.
Like last week when I went off on my little fucking rant there, just some of
the fucking emails I get.
It's like people are sending me shit that kind of is backing up what I'm saying
and then telling me that I sound like I have tinfoil on my fucking head, which
obviously I am out of my fucking mind on some level.
But I'm not out of my mind when I don't trust corporations and I don't trust
them when they say we're not going to do anything with this information.
The other day I was in CVS and I go to buy something and the lady asked me, did
I have a save card?
And I said no.
She said, do you want one?
And I said no.
And she goes, well, that's okay.
I'll just – and she swiped the fucking thing anyways.
And I was like, lady, what did I just say to you?
Now, see, if I used my credit card, they'd have my name and then to match up to
that fucking number and what the hell I just bought and just a little bit more
information about me.
And my question to all you people who have this faith in these corporations,
why does that person do that?
Why are they so hell-bent on trying to make that corporation less money in that
moment?
They give me this card.
You know, like everybody has those cards.
So you're not saving any fucking money.
It's just – it's a big fucking shell game to make it seem, ooh, look, you're
saving money.
What they're really doing, they're like, oh, look at this hand over here is you're
giving them all your personal fucking information that they can then use to at
the very least sell to other corporations, to increase junk mail, and also to
limit your fucking level of privacy.
The fact that they can put all that shit up in the goddamn internet.
People have been sending me these random websites where they have, like, your
name and your address, where you fucking live and all this type of shit.
It's like, how do you think that they get all that information?
Do you think there's somebody sitting there with a phone book and just typing
all of this shit in?
I don't know.
I don't fucking know.
If some – listen to what kills me.
If some fucking random creepy guy, you know, you're standing there waiting for
the subway, came up to you, asked you what your name, your phone number, and
your address was, would you give it to him?
No.
But for some reason, you're inside of a fucking store and there's socks and
sweaters and somebody has a name tag.
Now, all of a sudden, you give them total fucking trust.
You're out of your mind.
So, sir, don't cave in.
All right?
All you – just say that's unacceptable.
That's unacceptable.
I want to speak to the manager.
What they're doing, it's not legal yet.
It's not legal yet.
But I can guarantee you there's somebody lobbying for it in Washington.
There's some sort of fucking high-powered lobbying group, I swear to God, is
probably lobbying that from here on out, we need to have a law that if you're
going to return a hat, you have to give us your name, your address, and your
social security number just so there's not another 9-11.
I can guarantee it.
So, yeah, you don't have to.
That's actually one of the highlights of my day.
What I do now is when they say, do you have our little savey-save card?
And I say, no, I don't.
Would you like one?
No, I don't.
I then say, and please don't swipe another one.
You know?
And then I try to pay with cash.
I love cash.
Cash is fucking anonymous.
All you guys out there who are sitting there watching these commercials where
they make it look like credit cards are so fucking easy, you're idiots.
You're buying into exactly what they want you to buy into, which is a cashless
society so they can keep track of where you are at all fucking times and every
last fucking dime that you make so they can get their greedy little fucking
hands on it.
You're out of your mind, and you're giving up an unbelievable amount of fucking
privacy by creating a paper trail everywhere you go, everywhere you go, what
you're doing, where you're at, you know?
And the sea of morons who are going to sit there and go, well, if you ain't
doing anything wrong, I mean, I guess maybe I'm a paranoid psycho.
You look at all these fucking idiots who do reality TVs, and they let cameras
come into their house, and they don't seem to care about it.
Maybe the average jackass doesn't give a shit, but sir, for the love of God,
you know?
In the end, he says, I'm not crying conspiracy.
It's very plain to see what they're doing.
It's not malicious or evil.
Yes, it is.
It is malicious, and it is evil, and it is a conspiracy.
They're conspiring to get everybody's information, find out what they buy, and
they're lying to you saying that they're not going to share the information.
It's everything that you're saying it's not.
It is.
All right?
And that's it.
That's two weeks in a row I'm on the soapbox.
See, people, don't you like it better when I talk about sports?
Yeah.

Bill Burr - Corporate Bullshit

Dear Bill, recently, I had to return some items at the mall.
It was the day after Christmas, and I was with a girl I was dating.
With the girl that I was dating.
She wanted to return some shoes, so we went to the Journey store where the
shoes were bought.
When she got to the counter to return the shoes, the girl behind the counter
asked her for her name, address, email, and phone number.
Oh, my God. The amount of fucking people who actually give out that information.
My girlfriend just gave the information over as soon as the girl asked for it.
We were leaving the store. I remarked that I thought it was bullshit that she
had to give away personal information to return a pair of shoes.
She said it was not a big deal, but I didn't like it.
All right. Why the fuck would you give somebody all that information?
And just in case you're new to my podcast, you can say no.
Can I, you know, I go out to buy shit all the time.
Can I have your phone number? No.
I don't even say, I don't even try to make it nice.
I just say no.
And then they go, oh, okay.
You know, why do you feel like you got to give them their information?
You're trying to buy something.
I'm sorry. I can't, I can't sell you this unless I get your information.
Well, then go fuck yourself.
I'll buy it somewhere else.
I don't even need it anyways.
So anyways, he goes, next, we go to American Eagle.
You guys hit all the hotspot, huh?
Then we went to Cinnabon.
Next, we went to American Eagle where I had to return a shirt that was a gift.
There was a long line for returns.
Why'd you return the shirt?
Did it not fit or was it ugly as hell?
Or was it both?
As I was waiting in line, one of the employees comes up to me with a clipboard
with a little form to fill out.
Now, is anybody else kind of getting the prison camp vibe here?
You know, you're standing in line to get processed and there's a guy coming up.
And what is your name, please?
Your phone number?
I stopped the employee and asked her why she needed this information.
And she says that it was to verify my purchase.
How fucking dumb are people?
You're going to verify my purchase?
Well, here's the sales slips there, sweetheart.
This verifies it.
That's it.
I don't know what to tell you.
Why don't you and your clipboard?
Why don't you hold that clipboard between your little fucking beef curtains and
take a fucking walk down the street?
How about that, huh, sweetheart?
Sir, there's no reason to use that type of language.
Go fuck yourself.
How about I fucking grab that ponytail and just, no, let's keep it clean this
week, shall we, people?
Anyway, he goes, before I could protest further, she said that I could just put
my name on it.
Oh, on the clipboard?
When she walked away, I pulled out the gift receipt and said to my girlfriend,
oh, here it is.
Yeah, this is what verifies my purchase.
Exactly.
The clipboard employee wasn't as far away as I thought she was and heard me say,
did I read that wrong?
Yeah, heard me say, heard me say this, and she began to explain further why I
needed to give over the information.
This is the part of the email I hate.
He goes, I apologized and told her I realized it wasn't her and that it was
just her company's policy that she was enforcing.
She walked away again.
I felt bad, so the next time I saw her, I apologized and said I realized that
she was just doing her job, but she ignored me.
She was probably pissed because it was the day after Christmas and I was
causing her grief, but she could at least accept my apology, you bitch.
I love how you go from being totally liberal and seeing somebody's fucking side
of it to being, yeah, man up, you cunt.
Anyway, I got up to the counter and there wasn't any further problems.
The guy at the register just took my name and didn't ask me for anything.
I felt as though I had a small victory against the big corporations.
Then this week, I had to go back to the store to return a hat my girlfriend got.
Did you guys not make Christmas lists or are all your relatives blind?
This seems to be a lot of returning of gifts.
This is hilarious.
You're returning a hat that your girlfriend got you.
Dude, how horrific was that hat?
Can you please send me a picture of it if you took one before you returned it?
Picture one of those plaid Charlie Chaplin hat.
I had the receipt, but again, the girl at the register asked me for my address
and phone number.
I said I didn't want to give that information to her.
Immediately, panic sets in on her face and she says that I have to.
I said that I didn't have to the day after Christmas and I wasn't going to now.
Good for you.
She calls over a co-worker and they both get defensive and hold to the idea
that I have to give over my information in order to return a stupid hat, even
though I had my receipt.
I asked why and they let me slide on this before and they maintained that I had
to give them my name, address, and phone number.
So what did I do in the face of corporate opposition?
I caved and I gave it to them.
You fucking pussy.
Dude, the second you saw the panic on their face, you knew that they were going
to lose.
All right?
He goes, I just don't get it, Bill.
Why is the receipt not enough nowadays?
It is enough.
They say they need our personal information to verify a purchase.
They're not, dude.
They're not.
All right?
All of that shit, all those little save, you know, you want to get one in our
discount store.
They're creating a file on you.
They figure out what you want to buy, what they can market towards you, and
then they take that information and they sell it to other fucking companies.
Even though they say they're not going to, they sell your information.
Your information gets up on the internet.
And that's why there's all these creepy websites out there right now that have
all this fucking information about you, about, you know, how many siblings you
have, your brothers' and sisters' names.
They all use that information to fucking – it's – I'm telling you.
Don't give them your information.
You don't have to give them your information.
And people out there who just have this fucking attitude towards these
corporations just sitting there going like, well, you know, what do they – I
mean, as long as you're not doing anything wrong, I mean, what do I care if
they know where I live?
What do I care?
Just fucking morons.
I don't even – I've explained this shit until I'm blue in the face.
And then I always get these emails from these people.
They just – I don't know.
I can't even – I said something the other day.
You know, I was sitting there listening – I was sitting there – I was
listening to sports radio, you know, because I'm a deep thinker, right?
And this new guy got on sports radio out here in Los Angeles and, you know, he
does what most people do when they have nothing to say, which is they just
start – they just go over-the-top arrogant.
You know what I mean?
Like he was talking about how he wanted to get some sort of sports coach or
personality on the show.
But he doubted he could get him as a guest because the guest hated him.
And he goes, you know, because I disagreed with him on something – he was
talking to a coach and he was actually disagreeing with the fucking coach.
He's disagreeing with the guy.
And he goes, you know what the problem is, you know, he goes like, I'm just
like such a good debater.
I actually end up like convincing myself of my own opinion.
He actually said that over the airwaves.
And I just sort of muttered to myself that the confidence of morons is
staggering.
You know what I mean?
Morons think they know everything.
That's what makes them fucking morons.
And like the emails I get with people who don't question this shit, which is
– I don't know.
Like last week when I went off on my little fucking rant there, just some of
the fucking emails I get.
It's like people are sending me shit that kind of is backing up what I'm saying
and then telling me that I sound like I have tinfoil on my fucking head, which
obviously I am out of my fucking mind on some level.
But I'm not out of my mind when I don't trust corporations and I don't trust
them when they say we're not going to do anything with this information.
The other day I was in CVS and I go to buy something and the lady asked me, did
I have a save card?
And I said no.
She said, do you want one?
And I said no.
And she goes, well, that's okay.
I'll just – and she swiped the fucking thing anyways.
And I was like, lady, what did I just say to you?
Now, see, if I used my credit card, they'd have my name and then to match up to
that fucking number and what the hell I just bought and just a little bit more
information about me.
And my question to all you people who have this faith in these corporations,
why does that person do that?
Why are they so hell-bent on trying to make that corporation less money in that
moment?
They give me this card.
You know, like everybody has those cards.
So you're not saving any fucking money.
It's just – it's a big fucking shell game to make it seem, ooh, look, you're
saving money.
What they're really doing, they're like, oh, look at this hand over here is you're
giving them all your personal fucking information that they can then use to at
the very least sell to other corporations, to increase junk mail, and also to
limit your fucking level of privacy.
The fact that they can put all that shit up in the goddamn internet.
People have been sending me these random websites where they have, like, your
name and your address, where you fucking live and all this type of shit.
It's like, how do you think that they get all that information?
Do you think there's somebody sitting there with a phone book and just typing
all of this shit in?
I don't know.
I don't fucking know.
If some – listen to what kills me.
If some fucking random creepy guy, you know, you're standing there waiting for
the subway, came up to you, asked you what your name, your phone number, and
your address was, would you give it to him?
No.
But for some reason, you're inside of a fucking store and there's socks and
sweaters and somebody has a name tag.
Now, all of a sudden, you give them total fucking trust.
You're out of your mind.
So, sir, don't cave in.
All right?
All you – just say that's unacceptable.
That's unacceptable.
I want to speak to the manager.
What they're doing, it's not legal yet.
It's not legal yet.
But I can guarantee you there's somebody lobbying for it in Washington.
There's some sort of fucking high-powered lobbying group, I swear to God, is
probably lobbying that from here on out, we need to have a law that if you're
going to return a hat, you have to give us your name, your address, and your
social security number just so there's not another 9-11.
I can guarantee it.
So, yeah, you don't have to.
That's actually one of the highlights of my day.
What I do now is when they say, do you have our little savey-save card?
And I say, no, I don't.
Would you like one?
No, I don't.
I then say, and please don't swipe another one.
You know?
And then I try to pay with cash.
I love cash.
Cash is fucking anonymous.
All you guys out there who are sitting there watching these commercials where
they make it look like credit cards are so fucking easy, you're idiots.
You're buying into exactly what they want you to buy into, which is a cashless
society so they can keep track of where you are at all fucking times and every
last fucking dime that you make so they can get their greedy little fucking
hands on it.
You're out of your mind, and you're giving up an unbelievable amount of fucking
privacy by creating a paper trail everywhere you go, everywhere you go, what
you're doing, where you're at, you know?
And the sea of morons who are going to sit there and go, well, if you ain't
doing anything wrong, I mean, I guess maybe I'm a paranoid psycho.
You look at all these fucking idiots who do reality TVs, and they let cameras
come into their house, and they don't seem to care about it.
Maybe the average jackass doesn't 