Name: Bill Burr - Boston Bruins vs. Montréal Canadiens 1-10-11
Uploaded: 2011-01-11T10:06:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Boston Bruins vs. Montréal Canadiens 1-10-11' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-01-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Boston Bruins vs. Montréal Canadiens 1-10-11' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-01-11. Transcript available.

Shit, all right, what the hell am I talking about?
Okay, let's talk about something in sports that really fucking bothered me this
weekend.
I was watching the Bruins-Canadians game, okay?
A horrific loss for the Bruins.
We were up 2-0, and then we let up two fucking goals,
and then right in the end, then lost in overtime.
But this is what pisses me off about the fucking Canadians,
is the Canadians are sort of like,
they're like Matthew McConaughey's character in Dazed and Confused.
Remember that guy, the 26-year-old guy who's still hanging out at high school
wearing his fucking Letterman jacket, asking where the parties are?
That's what they're like.
They are still the most successful NHL franchise in the history of hockey,
but they have not dominated the league since pre-Gretzky.
We're talking 1979.
We're talking Jimmy Carter in office, all right?
We're talking about the AMC Pacer being a viable option for a car of the future.
You know, I just realized because I drive a Prius that I bet if me was my age
in 1979,
I would have bought a Pacer.
I really just learned that about myself.
It makes me feel bad.
So anyways, just to give you a little bit of history between the Bruins and the
Canadians.
The Canadians kicked the shit out of the Bruins for a good 50 fucking years,
all right?
Dominated the league.
We met them in the finals seven times, and we never beat them.
And every time we went up to the Montreal Forum, they always beat us,
and it was like this hex.
We just couldn't beat it, right?
And this is the weirdest jinx in sports.
Because in 1987-88, we finally went up to the Montreal Forum.
We finally had a better fucking team.
Well, a couple times we had a better team, but we would still lose.
But we finally had a better team, and we fucking beat them, right?
It's over.
The fucking hex is over.
Oh, thank God, right?
Just for better measure, two years later,
we beat them again in the fucking playoffs.
You know?
And then over the next 20 years, we pretty much went tit-for-tat in the
playoffs.
Playoffs.
And two years ago, we beat Montreal every fucking game in the regular season,
and then we swept them in the playoffs, the final two games in their own
building.
Okay?
But for some fucking reason,
they still always talk about this fucking hex like it's still going on.
For the life of me.
Can somebody, hockey fan, please fucking explain it?
And don't even say it's because the Bruins haven't won a cup.
Because we did.
During that 50-year fucking drought, we won in 70, and we won in 72.
That would be like if the Red Sox won it in 70 and 72,
and you're still talking about the curse of the babe.
I don't know what this fucking curse is.
Is it because we haven't beaten them in the finals ever?
We can't.
They realigned the divisions.
We've played them in the playoffs.
We've beaten, since 87, we're pretty much 50-50 against them.
I don't fucking understand.
I understand it when Dan Shaughnessy says something,
because Dan Shaughnessy, like if an old 80,
like an 80-year-old woman became a sports writer,
she would be Dan Shaughnessy,
because Dan Shaughnessy never talks about the game.
Dan Shaughnessy loves ghosts and goblins and fucking urban myths.
He's everything about the fucking game.
He will talk about all of it.
Like, he doesn't know shit about hockey.
All right?
As he actually called for the end of the Winter Classic this week,
he said, you know, it's time to retire the Winter Classic.
This is what a moron this guy is.
He talks about how the first fucking three years were awesome,
and how he stood next to Bobby Orr,
arguably the greatest player of all time, you know?
If not top two, if not top three, if you're a cunt, you know?
The fucking arguably greatest player of all time
stands next to Dan Shaughnessy when the Winter Classic was at Fenway Park,
and he says to Shaughnessy,
this is what real hockey is.
This is what it is.
This is it.
This is it, and it's most pure form.
This is how we all learned how to play.
All right?
And then this year, just because, you know,
one year that you're going to have bad weather,
it was kind of raining out,
the ice wasn't good,
Shaughnessy says that they should cancel it.
He's such a fucking retard.
It's like, Dan, those first three years,
that's pond hockey in the middle of the winter.
What you saw in Pittsburgh is pond hockey
at the beginning and the end of the pond hockey season.
All right?
If you ever fucking played it in your life,
you dumbass,
the second I saw that Pittsburgh-Washington game
and I saw the ice surface with those puddles,
I immediately was taken back to my youth
during, you know,
just the beginning when it was just cold enough
to play hockey or you were coming into spring.
And what would you do?
You'd take big rocks,
you'd throw them up in the fucking air,
see if they would go through the ice,
and then you'd send the fattest fucker
out of all your friends to walk out on the ice
and if he didn't drown,
game on.
You'd go out there and you would skate,
you know,
and if you started losing,
you'd try to trip one of your friends
into the big puddle.
So whatever.
So anyway, so I want to know, seriously,
okay, now Montreal Canadian fans,
I'm not disrespecting you guys.
You guys, you know,
other than the New York Yankees,
you're the most successful,
you have the most championships.
All right?
And if I had to rate franchises,
I would say Yankees,
Lakers,
Canadians,
and then Celtics.
And I know a lot of Boston fans
aren't going to like that,
but this is why.
All right, Yankees,
because they got the most
and they've won in every era.
Then I would go,
I would say,
I would go Lakers
just because
they've won 10 championships
in the last 30 years
that, you know,
Canadians haven't,
Yankees haven't.
I mean,
that's fucking unheard of
in the modern era
with free agency.
That's fucking insane.
So I guess I would put that maybe,
I would say,
okay,
well,
I don't know where to put the Lakers.
How about that?
I would put the Lakers
because it's the best franchise
of the last fucking 30 years,
without a doubt.
And now I can't even remember
what the fuck I said
about the rest of this shit.
All right?
But I don't understand,
like,
what exactly has to happen?
How many fucking times
do the Bruins
have to beat the Canadians
in the fucking playoffs?
I don't get it.
And we've won,
we won two Stanley Cups
during,
I just,
I don't get it.
I absolutely,
I do not fucking understand
why every time
I watch
the Canadians' Bruins,
they have to bring up something
that ended,
that fucking ended,
Jesus Christ,
almost a quarter of a century ago.
The Canadians
have not dominated the Bruins
for any significant amount of time.
Since,
uh,
86,
pre-1990s,
86.
I don't know if I got
the Canadian feed,
I have no idea what,
but that is the most
overrated fucking thing
I've ever heard.
Overrated fucking thing
I've ever heard.
And anytime the Canadians win,
like they did,
came back and won there,
they'll be like,
you see?
You see?
And,
but they'll,
they'll ignore the fact
that we swept them
for a whole year
and in the playoffs,
the final two games
in their own fucking building.
You know?
How come the Red Sox
how come the Red Sox,
how come that thing ended?
I don't,
I don't get it.
Well,
that shouldn't,
shouldn't that,
that thing have continued?
The whole fucking thing
doesn't make sense.
It's just this classic,
uh,
thing as a Boston sports fan,
which I'm,
I'm so fucking sick of
is I can't stand,
first of all,
I don't believe in curses.
That whole Dan Shaughnessy
old fucking lady thing
where it's such a pussy way
of looking things
where you literally
take your hand off the wheel.
You have no control
of your destiny
because there's a goddamn
gremlin under your bed.
It's like,
isn't it really that,
aside from the fact
that Montreal was a tremendous
fucking franchise
back in the day.
All right?
As tremendous as they were,
the Bruins were horrific.
Wasn't it that,
uh,
you know,
Harry Sinden
didn't embrace
free agency
and he resented,
fucking resented
the fact
that players
were now in control
and he absolutely
categorically
fucking refused
to pay anybody
top dollar
whether they were worth it
or not.
Wasn't that,
wasn't that
more likely
than that there was
some sort of
fucking ghost
floating around
a fucking hockey arena?
I don't know.
So whatever.
So for the 900th
fucking year in a row,
I got to watch
a Bruins-Canadians game
and despite the fact
that the Montreal Canadiens
are not a factor
in the NHL anymore,
they're in first place now,
but you know what I mean?
They're not an elite
franchise anymore.
They're just not.
And they haven't been,
okay?
They haven't won
a fucking cup
since 93.
It's over.
It's over.
Okay?
It's fucking over.
I mean,
I don't know.
I mean,
as a Celtics fan,
I admit that
it's over.
It died
when Len Bias died.
When Len Bias died,
it was fucking over
and it hasn't come back.
Just because we won
one since then,
it hasn't come back.
It's fucking over.
Okay?