Name: Bill Burr - Horrific Hook Up
Uploaded: 2011-03-07T08:49:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Horrific Hook Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-03-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Horrific Hook Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-03-07. Transcript available.

I remember one time hooking up with a girl who was like 23 or 24 when I was
about 33 or 34.
And what the fuck?
She said at one point she came over to my apartment and I invite her in, right?
Because I was a veteran at that point.
If I don't have to take you to the movie, why do that?
Come on out, meet me over my place.
This is embarrassing.
So she came over at one point.
We start fucking making out, doing whatever.
And then she says, wait a minute, where is this going?
She hits me with that shit.
And I was like, I'm like 11 years older than you.
By the time you're 30, I'm going to be 68.
What do you mean, where is this going?
It's going nowhere.
You know, this is just basically, yeah, it's a sexual thing.
I'm basically going to be the reason why you're not going to have a midlife
crisis.
Because all the fucked up shit you want to try but are too afraid to do with
the guy you're in love with,
you can just do with me.
Obviously, I said a little smoother than that.
And then, you know, she was just like, oh, all right.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
And then, oh, I can't even tell you what happened then.
And it's not sexual.
It's disgusting.
Oh, God.
Now I got to tell you, this is really fucked up.
This is why I'm so happy.
I got a great girl now.
So we end up fooling around.
And the next morning, I wake up.
You know, we started in the living room, ended in the bedroom.
You know, that whole thing, you never give them a chance to reconsider, right?
I don't even give them the chance to fucking think about it from the living
room into the bedroom.
You don't do that.
You just constantly, hands are moving.
You're kissing them, the whole fucking thing, right?
So she goes, this is, I can't believe I'm going to tell you this.
She goes, I walk out into the living room the next day because she's getting
dressed and she's looking for her underwear.
And she had these white lace, like thongy kind of underwear.
Not a thong.
No, thong, yeah.
And they were in a, they were crumpled up on the floor.
All right, if anybody gets really grossed out, I suggest just shut it off here
right now.
All right, I look down at them.
It's all proud of myself, you know, that I hooked up and I looked down and
there was a skid mark about, I would say, at least four inches long in those
white panties.
And I was like, I'm almost going to fucking dry heave.
I didn't go down on her, thank God.
Oh, wow, this is really just coming back.
And I was just like, I didn't know what to do.
Because she was like, yeah, wait, I can't find my underwear.
So I fucking went out to look for them and I found them.
And then it's just like, you know, if I had a stick in my apartment, I would
have picked them up and handed them to her.
But I didn't have a stick, so I acted like I couldn't find them.
I wandered over towards the kitchen and then she came walking out.
And she's like, oh, there they are.
And I know she saw what the problem was and she tried to play it off and she
just put them on.
Ugh.
That, you know what?
Let's have a vote.
Was that the most disgusting story I've ever told in the party?
That was fucking horrific, right?
Ugh.