Name: Bill Burr - Potheads
Uploaded: 2011-03-07T09:28:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Potheads' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-03-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Potheads' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-03-07. Transcript available.

I'm going to tell you what I'm really sick of.
I'm really sick of overly sensitive fucking pot smokers.
You know, you guys are about as self-righteous as fucking Jesus freaks.
I've had it. I've had it with you guys.
I've had it with your lies of how, you know,
you know, there's like, there's no drinking and driving.
You can get pulled over for that and there's a test and there's nothing for
weed.
And then pot smokers say, well, you know what?
I actually think you drive better when you're high.
You know, everything's so fucking clear.
They say dumb shit like that.
They say smoking weed is not addicting.
I just do it because I like it.
You're all fucking full of shit.
All right.
I think weed is one of the more dangerous drugs is because everybody thinks it
isn't fucking dangerous.
And I think the danger of that drug is that you, I don't know.
It just makes you want to sit on the goddamn couch.
All right.
Now, of course, someone's going to send me an email.
I smoke weed every fucking day and I'm a fucking the valedictorian of my class.
Really? Well, you're a fucking exception.
All right.
You are doing damage to your brain.
You are fucking burning up your brain cells.
Why can't weed smokers admit that?
Is it because it's illegal and you want to make it legal that you can't be
honest the way a drunk like I am?
That alcohol fucking turns your nose into fucking you look like W.C. Fields?
It fucks up your liver.
It kills brain cells.
You get behind the wheel of a car and you could kill yourself or even worse,
kill somebody else?
Why can't you guys admit that shit?
Huh?
Huh, man?
Why can't you say that, man?
I'm just fucking with you, by the way.
You know what?
I can't.
I actually can't say all weed smokers like that because I only got one fucking
email.
Somebody really disagreeing with me on my views on weed.
Um, I don't know.
I don't fucking know.
You know, my one thing I will, I will, I will stand by this because I am just
fucking around.
I do know this.
All right.
You can come home after work and have a beer, possibly two beers, depending on
your tolerance.
And you, maybe you're a little buzzed.
That's it.
These motherfuckers who come home and get, they get high.
You get high, you, you basically do the same as me drinking like six beers.
It'd be like me getting drunk every night.
If I drank six beers every night, my girl would be talking to me going, I think
you need to go to some meetings.
But there's really no meetings for people who smoke weed.
Basically every fuck.
If you're getting high four fucking nights a week, think about this shit.
All right.
You multiply that times 52 fucking weeks.
Not to freak you out, man.
This is fucking 208 days of the year.
You're fucking high.
If I'm getting drunk 208 times a year, which the, was I at one point?
I think I was.
That's what I finally, I started doing the fucking math.
And I was like, I am very quietly kind of a fucking alcoholic here.
If you, if you get drunk two times a year, I'm really sounding like a fucking cunt
right now, but I'm just, this is just shit I worked out.
If you get drunk two times a week, Friday, Saturday night, that's over a
hundred days a year.
That's basically a third of the year you're shit faced.
And that's only two times a fucking week, eight days a month.
That's, you know, then you throw in the random Monday night football.
I would like another pale ale, you know, next thing you know, you had three or
four walk out of the house.
You fucking feel like you're floating in your loafers, right?
You get out there in your Toyota Camry.
You didn't hit anybody.
You go home.
You wake up the next day.
You feel like shit, right?
How many times you do that a year?
At least 20, right?
There's a third of the year you're shit faced.
So, pot smokers, on the other hand, like, you know, they got a whole different
thing.
Like, if I fucking walk by a guy in a car and he's got a beer, I can't just
come up to the window.
Hey, man, let me get a couple of pulls off of that and just shotgun one of his
beers.
Thanks, man.
Thanks for getting me drunk.
Like, pot smokers, they do that shit all the time.
Maybe because it's illegal.
I don't know what it is.
But they get fucking baked, which is the equivalent, I think, of having, like,
you know, five, six beers.
What I'm saying is, is you pot smokers, you're a lot more fucked up than you
realize.
So, get off your goddamn high horses.
Or is it, you're not even on high horses.
You're just trying to tone down the effects of that shit.
Isn't that what you're doing so they'll make it legal so you can just smoke it
and not worry about it?
And not to mention how toxic fucking weed is now.
I remember when I was living in New York.
This dude came up to me.
He's like, yo, I smoked this shit last night.
It's called retarded.
Because, yo, you be smoking that shit and, yo, you just be retarded.
You just be sitting there.
You just be sitting there like this, yo.
And he makes this fucking face like he doesn't have a thought in his goddamn
head.
All right?
All that shit chronic.
All of that shit that just fucking burns your goddamn head up.
I don't know.
You know, fuck, you know something.
Go fuck yourselves.
If I can sit here and admit how bad whiskey is.
And that I was sitting there like Judy Garland for a quarter of the year.
You know what I mean?
I'm not saying you should quit.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't, you know, you shouldn't smoke more of it.
I'm just saying stop acting like you're taking fucking Flintstone vitamins.
You know, because if you really wanted to, rather than smoking it, you could
turn it into a hoodie.
Okay?
All right?
The fucking Declaration of Independence.
Isn't that what they said?
Isn't that one of the theories out there?
Declaration of Independence is written on hemp paper, man.
Hotheads out there.
Hotheads, I'm just fucking around.
All right?
Smoke it every goddamn day.
I don't give a shit.
All right?
But don't give me this horse shit that it's not addicting.
All right?
You smoke it because you can't fucking deal.
Yeah, I shouldn't even tell you this story.
I had a buddy of mine.
He was fucking, he was working at a car dealership one time and he got high.
And there was somebody looking at a car, you know, and they were bent down in
front of the car.
And he got in the car and it was a stick shift.
And he didn't press in the clutch and he turned the key and it lurched forward.
He hit the guy right in the head.
And he tried to act, he would never admit that he was high.
It was like, dude, it was, he goes, he calls me up, right?
He's like, dude, he leaves a message.
He's whispering.
That's how fucking scared he is.
He's whispering into my phone.
Maybe he was at work.
I don't know.
He's like, dude, I, I, I, I hit somebody with a car, dude.
I, I, I, I thought I had the car.
Dude, dude, I, I, I thought I had the car in neutral, dude.
And I, I, I went to turn the key and it, it, dude, I hit the guy.
I hit the guy in the head, dude.
Dude, call me.
Somehow he didn't get fired.
That's another reason why I think weed is worse than booze.
People, you know, you can get fucking high at work.
No one fucking knows.
No one knows.
You know, a little visine, a little fucking gum.
No one knows.
Right?
You guys are bringing down this country with your fucking cookies.
You realize that?
You bunch of lazy Dorito-eating sons of bitches.
Just sitting there getting baked.
Do you realize that your potheads are the reason why so many awful movies get
made?
Because they know.
They know people out there are smoking dope.
And then when they put it out on, on demand, they're going to fucking rent it.
And it doesn't, it only has to be like remotely funny.
And then shit that wasn't even supposed to be funny is going to be funny.
Because these fucking potheads are going to be sitting there.
They're going to be high.
Giggling.
Like a bunch of schoolgirls.
You know?
You potheads got a lot of fucking balls.
You realize that?
Your fucking disgusting fucking habit passing it around to each other.
That's why, that's why there's so many goddamn cold sores out there.
You know the number one cause of cold sores in this country?
It's you fucking potheads passing the things around to each other.
Do you realize that?
You know?
I remember cracking open a beer.
I don't remember passing it around to nine other fucking people.
Hey, let me get a swig of that.
Open your own, you cunt.
That's why I like weed, man.
It's more social.
Ah, go fuck yourself.
Why don't you go take a fucking shower and take off those goddamn Outback pants?
All right, I'm sick of them.
All right, with your bracelet around your ankle.
All right, you're not more in touch with nature because you're smoking trees.
All right?
Get out there, get a fucking job.
Straighten up, potheads.
You just spent the last decade of your life on a fucking couch.
You know?
When are you going to put your helmet on and get in the goddamn game?
Is that what you're going to do?
You're going to sit there?
Like some kept woman, except you're kept by yourself in your fucking awful
habit?
I got to get high, dude.
I can't deal unless I'm high.
You know?
You're really going to sit there and act like you don't know that guy?
How come all they talk about is the alcoholics?
This is like the fucking broads.
All they do is talk about wife beaters, but they never bring up gold-digging
horse.
Why don't you fucking get your goddamn fucking pothead ass up off the couch and
go look in the fucking mirror?
Look what you're doing to yourself.
Look at your eyes.
Feel how your brain feels compressed.
I'm looking down my alky nose at all you fucking potheads.
There is a reason why weed is illegal and alcohol isn't.
All right?
Because alcohol is better for you.
Alcohol is what a man does.
All right?
Weed is what some pussy does who can't afford to pay for a good pizza.
So he's got to fucking get himself so fucking disoriented.
That's how Domino's survives.
Those fucking assholes.
Do you know Domino's makes such shitty pizza that actually potheads even
fucking noticed?
Do you realize that?
So they actually had to have an ad campaign where they fucking admit that their
pizza sucks
and that it's stuck to the top of the box and it's completely unacceptable.
Right?
And now their big ad campaign is we admit that our pizza sucks and now we're
going to start trying.
We've only been around for, what, 30 fucking years?
Now we're actually going to try to make decent pizza.
Right?
So you think automatically they're going to raise the price.
They're going to add to the quality.
They're still selling like a large cheese pizza for $5.99.
All right, people?
You get what you pay for.
All right?
Don't order Domino's.
That's pothead pizza.
That's what those fucking drug users.
That's what they stick in their temple.
All right?
That's why they're so fucking dumb.
That's why.
When was the last time you talked to a smart pothead?
Have you ever?
You ever seen a pothead with initiative?
You know?
You know how many people are going to take that seriously and start sending me
fucking emails about,
What about Bob Marley Band?
What are you fucking, a whole new kind of music, man?
And he was fucking dead of lung cancer.
You know?
From smoking goddamn joints the size of a bus exhaust.
It's no different.
No different than a booze hound who drinks himself to death at 28.
You know?
I think, you know, I think you're potheads.
You guys have been on your high horse long enough.
I think it's time I fucking knocked you off a little bit.
Are you even going to notice?
You're probably already off the horse, laying in the grass.
Right?
Letting the breeze go through your toes.
Is that what you did today?
Instead of going out and earning your fucking rent,
are you going to call your parents up again this week?
Hit them up for some more money because you ran out of fucking Cheetos?
Huh?
You're too fucking old to have a full-body tan.
Why don't you go get a goddamn job, you son of a bitch?
All right.
There you go.
Once a week, I got to try to piss off one group.
It keeps the emails coming.
All right.
That's it.
That's the podcast of this week.
I want to thank everybody.
Seriously.
I'm not fucking around here like I was with the potheads there.
All right?
So fucking don't get all fucking pissed off, man.

Bill Burr - Potheads

I'm going to tell you what I'm really sick of.
I'm really sick of overly sensitive fucking pot smokers.
You know, you guys are about as self-righteous as fucking Jesus freaks.
I've had it. I've had it with you guys.
I've had it with your lies of how, you know,
you know, there's like, there's no drinking and driving.
You can get pulled over for that and there's a test and there's nothing for
weed.
And then pot smokers say, well, you know what?
I actually think you drive better when you're high.
You know, everything's so fucking clear.
They say dumb shit like that.
They say smoking weed is not addicting.
I just do it because I like it.
You're all fucking full of shit.
All right.
I think weed is one of the more dangerous drugs is because everybody thinks it
isn't fucking dangerous.
And I think the danger of that drug is that you, I don't know.
It just makes you want to sit on the goddamn couch.
All right.
Now, of course, someone's going to send me an email.
I smoke weed every fucking day and I'm a fucking the valedictorian of my class.
Really? Well, you're a fucking exception.
All right.
You are doing damage to your brain.
You are fucking burning up your brain cells.
Why can't weed smokers admit that?
Is it because it's illegal and you want to make it legal that you can't be
honest the way a drunk like I am?
That alcohol fucking turns your nose into fucking you look like W.C. Fields?
It fucks up your liver.
It kills brain cells.
You get behind the wheel of a car and you could kill yourself or even worse,
kill somebody else?
Why can't you guys admit that shit?
Huh?
Huh, man?
Why can't you say that, man?
I'm just fucking with you, by the way.
You know what?
I can't.
I actually can't say all weed smokers like that because I only got one fucking
email.
Somebody really disagreeing with me on my views on weed.
Um, I don't know.
I don't fucking know.
You know, my one thing I will, I will, I will stand by this because I am just
fucking around.
I do know this.
All right.
You can come home after work and have a beer, possibly two beers, depending on
your tolerance.
And you, maybe you're a little buzzed.
That's it.
These motherfuckers who come home and get, they get high.
You get high, you, you basically do the same as me drinking like six beers.
It'd be like me getting drunk every night.
If I drank six beers every night, my girl would be talking to me going, I think
you need to go to some meetings.
But there's really no meetings for people who smoke weed.
Basically every fuck.
If you're getting high four fucking nights a week, think about this shit.
All right.
You multiply that times 52 fucking weeks.
Not to freak you out, man.
This is fucking 208 days of the year.
You're fucking high.
If I'm getting drunk 208 times a year, which the, was I at one point?
I think I was.
That's what I finally, I started doing the fucking math.
And I was like, I am very quietly kind of a fucking alcoholic here.
If you, if you get drunk two times a year, I'm really sounding like a fucking cunt
right now, but I'm just, this is just shit I worked out.
If you get drunk two times a week, Friday, Saturday night, that's over a
hundred days a year.
That's basically a third of the year you're shit faced.
And that's only two times a fucking week, eight days a month.
That's, you know, then you throw in the random Monday night football.
I would like another pale ale, you know, next thing you know, you had three or
four walk out of the house.
You fucking feel like you're floating in your loafers, right?
You get out there in your Toyota Camry.
You didn't hit anybody.
You go home.
You wake up the next day.
You feel like shit, right?
How many times you do that a year?
At least 20, right?
There's a third of the year you're shit faced.
So, pot smokers, on the other hand, like, you know, they got a whole different
thing.
Like, if I fucking walk by a guy in a car and he's got a beer, I can't just
come up to the window.
Hey, man, let me get a couple of pulls off of that and just shotgun one of his
beers.
Thanks, man.
Thanks for getting me drunk.
Like, pot smokers, they do that shit all the time.
Maybe because it's illegal.
I don't know what it is.
But they get fucking baked, which is the equivalent, I think, of having, like,
you know, five, six beers.
What I'm saying is, is you pot smokers, you're a lot more fucked up than you
realize.
So, get off your goddamn high horses.
Or is it, you're not even on high horses.
You're just trying to tone down the effects of that shit.
Isn't that what you're doing so they'll make it legal so you can just smoke it
and not worry about it?
And not to mention how toxic fucking weed is now.
I remember when I was living in New York.
This dude came up to me.
He's like, yo, I smoked this shit last night.
It's called retarded.
Because, yo, you be smoking that shit and, yo, you just be retarded.
You just be sitting there.
You just be sitting there like this, yo.
And he makes this fucking face like he doesn't have a thought in his goddamn
head.
All right?
All that shit chronic.
All of that shit that just fucking burns your goddamn head up.
I don't know.
You know, fuck, you know something.
Go fuck yourselves.
If I can sit here and admit how bad whiskey is.
And that I was sitting there like Judy Garland for a quarter of the year.
You know what I mean?
I'm not saying you should quit.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't, you know, you shouldn't smoke more of it.
I'm just saying stop acting like you're taking fucking Flintstone vitamins.
You know, because if you really wanted to, rather than smoking it, you could
turn it into a hoodie.
Okay?
All right?
The fucking Declaration of Independence.
Isn't that what they said?
Isn't that one of the theories out there?
Declaration of Independence is written on hemp paper, man.
Hotheads out there.
Hotheads, I'm just fucking around.
All right?
Smoke it every goddamn day.
I don't give a shit.
All right?
But don't give me this horse shit that it's not addicting.
All right?
You smoke it because you can't fucking deal.
Yeah, I shouldn't even tell you this story.
I had a buddy of mine.
He was fucking, he was working at a car dealership one time and he got high.
And there was somebody looking at a car, you know, and they were bent down in
front of the car.
And he got in the car and it was a stick shift.
And he didn't press in the clutch and he turned the key and it lurched forward.
He hit the guy right in the head.
And he tried to act, he would never admit that he was high.
It was like, dude, it was, he goes, he calls me up, right?
He's like, dude, he leaves a message.
He's whispering.
That's how fucking scared he is.
He's whispering into my phone.
Maybe he was at work.
I don't know.
He's like, dude, I, I, I, I hit somebody with a car, dude.
I, I, I, I thought I had the car.
Dude, dude, I, I, I thought I had the car in neutral, dude.
And I, I, I went to turn the key and it, it, dude, I hit the guy.
I hit the guy in the head, dude.
Dude, call me.
Somehow he didn't get fired.
That's another reason why I think weed is worse than booze.
People, you know, you can get fucking high at work.
No one fucking knows.
No one knows.
You know, a little visine, a little fucking gum.
No one knows.
Right?
You guys are bringing down this country with your fucking cookies.
You realize that?
You bunch of lazy Dorito-eating sons of bitches.
Just sitting there getting baked.
Do you realize that your potheads are the reason why so many awful movies get
made?
Because they know.
They know people out there are smoking dope.
And then when they put it out on, on demand, they're going to fucking rent it.
And it doesn't, it only has to be like remotely funny.
And then shit that wasn't even supposed to be funny is going to be funny.
Because these fucking potheads are going to be sitting there.
They're going to be high.
Giggling.
Like a bunch of schoolgirls.
You know?
You potheads got a lot of fucking balls.
You realize that?
Your fucking disgusting fucking habit passing it around to each other.
That's why, that's why there's so many goddamn cold sores out there.
You know the number one cause of cold sores in this country?
It's you fucking potheads passing the things around to each other.
Do you realize that?
You know?
I remember cracking open a beer.
I don't remember passing it around to nine other fucking people.
Hey, let me get a swig of that.
Open your own, you cunt.
That's why I like weed, man.
It's more social.
Ah, go fuck yourself.
Why don't you go take a fucking shower and take off those goddamn Outback pants?
All right, I'm sick of them.
All right, with your bracelet around your ankle.
All right, you're not more in touch with nature because you're smoking trees.
All right?
Get out there, get a fucking job.
Straighten up, potheads.
You just spent the last decade of your life on a fucking couch.
You know?
When are you going to put your helmet on and get in the goddamn game?
Is that what you're going to do?
You're going to sit there?
Like some kept woman, except you're kept by yourself in your fucking awful
habit?
I got to get high, dude.
I can't deal unless I'm high.
You know?
You're really going to sit there and act like you don't know that guy?
How come all they talk about is the alcoholics?
This is like the fucking broads.
All they do is talk about wife beaters, but they never bring up gold-digging
horse.
Why don't you fucking get your goddamn fucking pothead ass up off the couch and
go look in the fucking mirror?
Look what you're doing to yourself.
Look at your eyes.
Feel how your brain feels compressed.
I'm looking down my alky nose at all you fucking potheads.
There is a reason why weed is illegal and alcohol isn't.
All right?
Because alcohol is better for you.
Alcohol is what a man does.
All right?
Weed is what some pussy does who can't afford to pay for a good pizza.
So he's got to fucking get himself so fucking disoriented.
That's how Domino's survives.
Those fucking assholes.
Do you know Domino's makes such shitty pizza that actually potheads even
fucking noticed?
Do you realize that?
So they actually had to have an ad campaign where they fucking admit that their
pizza sucks
and that it's stuck to the top of the box and it's completely unacceptable.
Right?
And now their big ad campaign is we admit that our pizza sucks and now we're
going to start trying.
We've only been around for, what, 30 fucking years?
Now we're actually going to try to make decent pizza.
Right?
So you think automatically they're going to raise the price.
They're going to add to the quality.
They're still selling like a large cheese pizza for $5.99.
All right, people?
You get what you pay for.
All right?
Don't order Domino's.
That's pothead pizza.
That's what those fucking drug users.
That's what they stick in their temple.
All right?
That's why they're so fucking dumb.
That's why.
When was the last time you talked to a smart pothead?
Have you ever?
You ever seen a pothead with initiative?
You know?
You know how many people are going to take that seriously and start sending me
fucking emails about,
What about Bob Marley Band?
What are you fucking, a whole new kind of music, man?
And he was fucking dead of lung cancer.
You know?
From smoking goddamn joints the size of a bus exhaust.
It's no different.
No different than a booze hound who drinks himself to death at 28.
You know?
I think, you know, I think you're potheads.
You guys have been on your high horse long enough.
I think it's time I fucking knocked you off a little bit.
Are you even going to notice?
You're probably already off the horse, laying in the grass.
Right?
Letting the breeze go through your toes.
Is that what you did today?
Instead of going out and earning your fucking rent,
are you going to call your parents up again this week?
Hit them up for some more money because you ran out of fucking Cheetos?
Huh?
You're too fucking old to have a full-body tan.
Why don't you go get a goddamn job, you son of a bitch?
All right.
There you go.
Once a week, I got to 