Name: Bill Burr - Advice: White Lies
Uploaded: 2011-03-22T15:35:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: White Lies' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-03-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: White Lies' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-03-22. Transcript available.

All right, Bill, I've been going out with this girl.
How did I become the relationship guy?
A guy who's never been married, fucked up every relationship ever.
You guys are coming to me.
You realize I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I kind of do.
All right, here we go.
I have been going out with this girl for two to three years
and have been hiding the fact that I smoke cigarettes.
When our relationship started, she knew I was a smoker.
A few months into the relationship, I actually quit smoking for a month.
When I started back up again, I figured it was easier to hide it from her
than to deal with her smoker shit talk.
It actually helped me to limit my smoking because I wouldn't smoke around her,
therefore smoked a lot less.
We didn't live together, so I was able to manage my not smoking around her
pretty easily.
Recently, she caught me smoking.
After a pursuing, you mean after a pursuing?
After a pursuing argument, I don't know what that means.
After the fucking argument, she knew that I had been hiding this from her
for basically our entire relationship.
Yeah, because you fucking told her in a heat of passion, right?
How did she figure she saw you smoking one cigarette and then figured it out?
You told her, right?
Anyways, she was very upset and kept reverting back to the one idea running
through your head.
Running through her head.
If you lied about this, what else are you lying to me about?
Oh, fuck you, bitch.
Jesus fucking Christ.
What do you think, I'm in a cult?
What have I also been lying about?
Last week when I said we didn't have any more Froot Loops, I was lying because
I wanted one more bowl.
All right, it's a little bullshit lie.
Do I have to read the rest of this shit?
I tried to explain that it was just a little white lie.
She didn't like smoking, so I chose not to smoke around her.
Her thought of what else am I lying about is ridiculous.
Yes, it is, because I have been faithful to this girl.
She keeps saying that she can't trust me anymore.
How would you go about explaining to her that hiding smoking and hiding
cheating are completely two different things?
Maybe you can come up with a hilarious analogy that will make me laugh and
perhaps help me.
Dude, you know what?
Who gives a fuck?
Sometimes you just have to not give a fuck in a relationship.
Just be like, look, if you want to turn this into DEFCON 5 and act like I'm
fucking around on you, you know, that's your head trip.
Go for it.
I don't give a shit.
First of all, she's acting like she hasn't lied to you about anything.
Like she hasn't been doing something.
Give me a fuck of them.
I'm sorry, dude.
I couldn't come up with anything funny there, but that's just ridiculous.
That's ridiculous.
You've been lying about this.
What else have you been lying about?
Uh, really?
Are you seriously asking me that?
Are you reading out loud some soap opera script that you're fucking working on?
Get out of here.
Go do a fucking exercise video.
All right?
I don't give a shit.
Are you saying I'm fat?
No, I'm saying you're fucking annoying.
What does that mean?
This is why I smoke.
Don't, don't let them do that shit to you.
All right?
And don't get yourself into a mindset now where you feel you have to prove that
you weren't cheating.
If you weren't cheating, you weren't cheating.
So sit there with your fucking legs up.
You know what I'd do?
If I was you, I'd start smoking cigars.
Just be like, listen, they don't, I, you know, I don't inhale.
And I don't, I don't have as many of them.
And I like how I feel like Tony Soprano when I smoke them.
All right?
Just trying to be honest with you.
All right?
Just being honest with you.
Just be totally honest with her.
Just start watching TV and be like, wow, that girl's a lot better, a lot better
shape than you are.
Woo!
Can't imagine.
Jeez, I probably last half a second with her.
As opposed to you, two to three years in, I can bang you for 45 minutes and it's
just, you know, it's not doing it for me anymore.
Just be totally honest with her.
You know?
I don't want you to think I'm cheating on me, on you, so I'll fucking just keep
being fucking, just be totally honest.
This is what you wanted.
Are you not entertained?