Name: Bill Burr - Happy Mother's Day 05-02-11
Uploaded: 2011-05-02T17:55:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Happy Mother's Day 05-02-11' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Happy Mother's Day 05-02-11' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-05-02. Transcript available.

I'm actually going to give a lot of guys out there a little bit of a heads up.
Mother's Day is coming up this Sunday, isn't it?
I don't know. I didn't look it up. I think it is.
See, this is what happens every Mother's Day, right?
Who doesn't love their mother? Serial killers, right?
Serial killers don't love their mothers.
Everybody else, you love your mother, right?
But as much as you try, every year, what happens?
Mother's Day sneaks up on you, and all of a sudden, Saturday night,
you're out drinking a couple of beers, a couple of fucking pale ales,
and all of a sudden, somebody mentions it.
You know, the waitress with their fucking cleavage hanging out.
She'll mention, oh, yeah, tomorrow, you know, you're trying to pick her up.
What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe we should hang out.
Go play fucking horseshoes or something, you know?
My brother's got a cottage up in New Hampshire, dude.
She'll come up there, and then she's like, I can't.
I'm spending time with my mother tomorrow because it's Mother's Day.
And then what do you do?
You go, oh, fuck, it's Mother's Day.
So what do you do?
You run down to CVS, you know?
Any port in a storm.
You run down to the local drugstore, and you go,
and you try to find a fucking Mother's Day card.
But by the time you get down there, there's only two left, right?
What do you got?
There's the fucking one that has like a fart joke on it,
and then the one that's so affectionate, it's borderline incestuous, right?
So now what do you do?
Now you got a shitty card.
The fucking envelopes are all creased up.
They're laying all over the fucking place.
And your mother can see it.
When you hand it to her, she can see it.
It's not a good card.
It's just like, you motherfucker.
I carried you around in my fucking home for nine months.
I raised you a brat-ass the entire fucking life.
And this is what you do?
You get me the goddamn leftover card that nobody wanted at CVS?
You couldn't even go to Walmart and get me a shacket to go along with it?
All right, well, I have the solution.
This is a classic thing for guys.
My sponsor this week is proflowers.com.
All right, so all you got to do is,
you want me to read their copy rather than tell my silly little story?
Hey, everybody, Mother's Day is around the corner,
and Pro Flowers always has great specials for radio listeners!
At proflowers.com, you will find huge selections of gorgeous,
gorgeous Mother's Day bouquets starting as low as $19.99.
Plus, you'll get a free vase with any floral purchase.
Isn't that great?
You get a free vase, you know, just lay it in her lap
like she just ran the fucking Kentucky Derby.
You know?
At that rate, you can get flowers for all the moms in your life.
Your mother, your grandmother, your sister's mother.
That didn't make any sense.
Your girlfriend's mother, anybody, any broad in your life.
You want to send flowers?
This is the website you go to.
All right?
If you want to call them up, and you can get this shit out of the way,
so you can watch the games, the playoff hockey, and the NBA, all that.
Call 800-PRO-FLOWERS and mention the Monday Morning Podcast.
Bill Burr.
Say my name so then I get credit.
Or better yet, as they say, go to proflowers.com.
Click on the microphone in the top right-hand corner.
That's the big thing.
When you go to the website, there's a microphone, right?
When you go to Pro Flowers, and you just, the upper right-hand corner,
it says, hear about us on radio or TV.
Just click right there.
Then you type in the password, which is my last name, B-U-R-R.
Pick out some flowers, bang, zoom, they fucking send it right to your house.
You hand it to your mother.
You take out a ukulele, you get down on one knee,
you sing her a song, and you're done.
The next thing you know, you guys are both drinking booze.
Right?
There you go.
Look, who's kidding who?
You hit middle age, and I don't give a fuck.
You just don't look as good.
But there's no reason to help it along.
You know what I mean?
It's pure vanity.
That's why I fucking stopped.
And, you know, you know the deal.
You know, and the broads, they fucking hit middle age.
They've squeezed out a couple of fucking kids.
Now they resent the fuck anybody who has free time.
You know, because they made a decision to take a hot one right between the
fucking legs.
You know, that was your choice.
I want one.
I want to have a kid.
They're so cute.
Then they have one, and then they're a bunch of fucking.
It's Mother's Day this week, everybody.
Let's not lose sight of that.
This is going to go bad.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, mothers are just – they're fucking pains in the air.
Then another reason to go to pro flowers, just give them a bouquet and shove it
in their face.
All right, already.
We got it.
You regretted your decision, and I'm a fucking reminder of it.
So anyways, I'm already picturing pro flowers, people listening to it.
That's just such – that's, you know, is this groundbreaking way of selling
flowers?
Because it seems weird to me.
Anyway, I'm talking about how people age, right?
So what do women do, okay?
Then they have a couple of kids, and they're so fucking goddamn busy, all right,
that not only do they not have time to do a sit-up, they don't even have time
to fucking wash their hair anymore.
So they all go out and get that Wayne Gretzky haircut that he had when he got
married, you know, all short on the side like Adolf Hitler.
And then they poof it up on top, you know, the Katie Lang.
They get that haircut, and they're like, oh, my God, I love it.
I love it.
It's so easy to deal with, right?
Not knowing that when their husband bends them over, they feel like they're
fucking a dude, you know?
A dude with tits, right?
That's what you feel like.
So that's how they age, you know?
You know how fucking fat I feel right now?
I just went to a steakhouse, and there was these fucking real housewives chicks
sitting up at the bar, these four white ladies, you know, just dressed like whores.
I'll tell you right now, if you're a mom and you still dress like you're out
there trying to get fucked, you're just a terrible mother, you know?
And they should really – they should repossess your fucking kids.
This is just going to all be about mothers this week as I try to get you to buy
flowers.
You know, what are you doing with your tight fucking jeans?
You know, your fucking goddamn hip-hugger jeans, goddamn C-section scar just
above your bedazzled belt.
For fuck's sakes, put some clothes on.
You're a mother.
It's over.
You know, do you know I worked with someone recently, right?
And they were fucking – you know, they mentioned that they had a kid.
So I'm always asking about kids because I'm seriously thinking about having one,
you know, sticking them in the corner next to a vase, you know?
I'm just adding them to, like, my possessions.
I'll have my guitars.
I've got a couple of guitars.
What else do I have?
I don't have a lot of shit.
I've got a desk.
I'll stick them between the guitars and the desk.
Just have them under there.
And, like, you know when you have, like, those cakes that they have under glass
at diners?
I'll just have a fucking baby in there.
Every once in a while.
You just –
I'll lift the lid up.
I'll just fucking put it back over.
Give it a bottle.
Knock it off!
Hey, knock it off!
Is it awake?
And I'll just tap on the glass.
That's really creepy.
No, I've been thinking about having a kid, right?
So I ran into this mother after a show, and she was talking about her son.
And she looked young, right?
She was, like, 30, 31 years old.
And I go, how old is your son?
She goes, 11.
And then she mentioned she had a daughter.
I go, how old is your daughter?
And she goes, 13.
So I do the math.
She had them at 18 and 20.
And I was just like, Jesus Christ.
You started young, huh?
And she winks at me.
She goes, yeah, got it out of the way.
She goes, now it's me time.
I'm just thinking in my head, what do you mean me time?
They're 11 and 13.
The fuck are you – you know?
That's why I really think it's a good thing that I haven't had kids yet.
Because I'm a selfish cunt.
And I'm really into doing shit for myself.
And there's just a lot of people out there.
I don't know.
I think they just have kids.
And then they – I don't know.
They stick them in front of the TV.
Watch a little Teletubby, you know?
And they're just bad parents.
And then every once in a while, you see a great fucking parent who's really
involved with this kid.
Like this YouTube video that somebody sent me this week.
This guy sent me a YouTube video of his seven-year-old son as a drummer.
This kid is the shit.
Not only can he play because I've seen kids play before, but he actually sings
along with the song.
And he has a look of passion on his face.
It's fucking awesome.
You can watch all these videos, by the way, on themmpodcast.com.
The only thing I will say to this, to the dad, is you got to get that kid some
sort of – you got to get him earplugs.
You got to get him those Vic First earphones that you just put.
It looks like the kid's going to use a weed whacker.
Just have him wear those.
It'll seem weird for the first couple of days, but I'm telling you, the kid's
ears are going to be fucking junk if you let them play without earplugs.
Take it from me.
I suffer from tinnitus or tetanus, however the fuck you say it.
And that's that ringing in the ear.
But, you know, there's nothing better than when you actually see good parents.
And I get nervous that I'm not going to be a good dad.
And whenever I see, you know, whenever I see a bunch of fucking women who are
mothers just dressed like they're out there looking to get banged, it's just
like there's no way you're a good mom.
You can't be a good mom.
You're dressed too nicely.
You know how moms look.
They wear comfortable clothes.
They have that fucking look on their face like, Jesus Christ, what did I do
with my life?
That's a mom.
You're not sitting down there with Ed Hardy panties on.
And then going, oh, yeah, my daughter just graduated the seventh grade.
Really?
What the fuck are you doing?
What, are you out here riding on the back of the Harley with your goddamn ass
crack showing?
You're not a mom.
Right there.
You ought to get a warning.
You know, you should get a warning.
Dress like a mom.
Get the fuck out of here.
Sitting here drinking your goddamn booze in the middle of the day with your bra
strap showing.
The fuck is wrong with you, lady?
Am I wrong thinking that?
Once again, people, Mother's Day is this Sunday.
All right?
Don't be a douche.
Just go to proflowers.com.
Click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner.
When you type in the code, write B-U-R-R so I get credit on my podcast.
And just order her some flowers.
You'll get a vase.
You'll get the whole damn thing.
And then all you got to do is take her out to the IHOP.
You know?
You get her some pancakes.
What is she like?
Eggs Benedict?
You know?
Just do something like that or have your fucking broad do it.
But this is the thing.
Look, if you're a lazy bastard and you want to look like a good shit this year,
you could bang it all up.
You go right to Pro Flowers.
Buy some for your mother.
Buy some for your girlfriend's mother.
And buy some for your grandmother.
All right?
Then everybody in your life with a vagina can shut the fuck up for a fuck with
them.
Seriously.
You know what I mean.
Guys, we don't like to shop.
I should really stick to the copy here.
Mother's Day is right around the corner, everybody.
And Pro Flowers has Mother's Day bouquets starting at $19.99.
Visit proflowers.com.
Click on the microphone in the top right-hand corner.
And type in my password.
B-U-R-R.
Get her a bouquet of flowers.
Get her a goddamn vase.
Hand it to her.
Tell her you love her.
She's only going to be around for so goddamn long.
You know it.
I know it.
You should be doing this every damn year.
Every fucking year.
All right?
You go there.
You take her out to Denny's.
You know?
Pour her a bowl of cornflakes at that point.
If you got the fucking flowers and the vase, don't be a cheap bastard on this
one.
You got to get the vase, too.
Like I said, don't lay it in her lap like she just rode a fucking horse.
Okay?
You get a vase.
You know?
Women love shit.
All right?
And vase is just another thing.
Oh, my God.
He got a vase with it.
He really does love me.

Bill Burr - Happy Mother's Day 05-02-11

I'm actually going to give a lot of guys out there a little bit of a heads up.
Mother's Day is coming up this Sunday, isn't it?
I don't know. I didn't look it up. I think it is.
See, this is what happens every Mother's Day, right?
Who doesn't love their mother? Serial killers, right?
Serial killers don't love their mothers.
Everybody else, you love your mother, right?
But as much as you try, every year, what happens?
Mother's Day sneaks up on you, and all of a sudden, Saturday night,
you're out drinking a couple of beers, a couple of fucking pale ales,
and all of a sudden, somebody mentions it.
You know, the waitress with their fucking cleavage hanging out.
She'll mention, oh, yeah, tomorrow, you know, you're trying to pick her up.
What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe we should hang out.
Go play fucking horseshoes or something, you know?
My brother's got a cottage up in New Hampshire, dude.
She'll come up there, and then she's like, I can't.
I'm spending time with my mother tomorrow because it's Mother's Day.
And then what do you do?
You go, oh, fuck, it's Mother's Day.
So what do you do?
You run down to CVS, you know?
Any port in a storm.
You run down to the local drugstore, and you go,
and you try to find a fucking Mother's Day card.
But by the time you get down there, there's only two left, right?
What do you got?
There's the fucking one that has like a fart joke on it,
and then the one that's so affectionate, it's borderline incestuous, right?
So now what do you do?
Now you got a shitty card.
The fucking envelopes are all creased up.
They're laying all over the fucking place.
And your mother can see it.
When you hand it to her, she can see it.
It's not a good card.
It's just like, you motherfucker.
I carried you around in my fucking home for nine months.
I raised you a brat-ass the entire fucking life.
And this is what you do?
You get me the goddamn leftover card that nobody wanted at CVS?
You couldn't even go to Walmart and get me a shacket to go along with it?
All right, well, I have the solution.
This is a classic thing for guys.
My sponsor this week is proflowers.com.
All right, so all you got to do is,
you want me to read their copy rather than tell my silly little story?
Hey, everybody, Mother's Day is around the corner,
and Pro Flowers always has great specials for radio listeners!
At proflowers.com, you will find huge selections of gorgeous,
gorgeous Mother's Day bouquets starting as low as $19.99.
Plus, you'll get a free vase with any floral purchase.
Isn't that great?
You get a free vase, you know, just lay it in her lap
like she just ran the fucking Kentucky Derby.
You know?
At that rate, you can get flowers for all the moms in your life.
Your mother, your grandmother, your sister's mother.
That didn't make any sense.
Your girlfriend's mother, anybody, any broad in your life.
You want to send flowers?
This is the website you go to.
All right?
If you want to call them up, and you can get this shit out of the way,
so you can watch the games, the playoff hockey, and the NBA, all that.
Call 800-PRO-FLOWERS and mention the Monday Morning Podcast.
Bill Burr.
Say my name so then I get credit.
Or better yet, as they say, go to proflowers.com.
Click on the microphone in the top right-hand corner.
That's the big thing.
When you go to the website, there's a microphone, right?
When you go to Pro Flowers, and you just, the upper right-hand corner,
it says, hear about us on radio or TV.
Just click right there.
Then you type in the password, which is my last name, B-U-R-R.
Pick out some flowers, bang, zoom, they fucking send it right to your house.
You hand it to your mother.
You take out a ukulele, you get down on one knee,
you sing her a song, and you're done.
The next thing you know, you guys are both drinking booze.
Right?
There you go.
Look, who's kidding who?
You hit middle age, and I don't give a fuck.
You just don't look as good.
But there's no reason to help it along.
You know what I mean?
It's pure vanity.
That's why I fucking stopped.
And, you know, you know the deal.
You know, and the broads, they fucking hit middle age.
They've squeezed out a couple of fucking kids.
Now they resent the fuck anybody who has free time.
You know, because they made a decision to take a hot one right between the
fucking legs.
You know, that was your choice.
I want one.
I want to have a kid.
They're so cute.
Then they have one, and then they're a bunch of fucking.
It's Mother's Day this week, everybody.
Let's not lose sight of that.
This is going to go bad.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, mothers are just – they're fucking pains in the air.
Then another reason to go to pro flowers, just give them a bouquet and shove it
in their face.
All right, already.
We got it.
You regretted your decision, and I'm a fucking reminder of it.
So anyways, I'm already picturing pro flowers, people listening to it.
That's just such – that's, you know, is this groundbreaking way of selling
flowers?
Because it seems weird to me.
Anyway, I'm talking about how people age, right?
So what do women do, okay?
Then they have a couple of kids, and they're so fucking goddamn busy, all right,
that not only do they not have time to do a sit-up, they don't even have time
to fucking wash their hair anymore.
So they all go out and get that Wayne Gretzky haircut that he had when he got
married, you know, all short on the side like Adolf Hitler.
And then they poof it up on top, you know, the Katie Lang.
They get that haircut, and they're like, oh, my God, I love it.
I love it.
It's so easy to deal with, right?
Not knowing that when their husband bends them over, they feel like they're
fucking a dude, you know?
A dude with tits, right?
That's what you feel like.
So that's how they age, you know?
You know how fucking fat I feel right now?
I just went to a steakhouse, and there was these fucking real housewives chicks
sitting up at the bar, these four white ladies, you know, just dressed like whores.
I'll tell you right now, if you're a mom and you still dress like you're out
there trying to get fucked, you're just a terrible mother, you know?
And they should really – they should repossess your fucking kids.
This is just going to all be about mothers this week as I try to get you to buy
flowers.
You know, what are you doing with your tight fucking jeans?
You know, your fucking goddamn hip-hugger jeans, goddamn C-section scar just
above your bedazzled belt.
For fuck's sakes, put some clothes on.
You're a mother.
It's over.
You know, do you know I worked with someone recently, right?
And they were fucking – you know, they mentioned that they had a kid.
So I'm always asking about kids because I'm seriously thinking about having one,
you know, sticking them in the corner next to a vase, you know?
I'm just adding them to, like, my possessions.
I'll have my guitars.
I've got a couple of guitars.
What else do I have?
I don't have a lot of shit.
I've got a desk.
I'll stick them between the guitars and the desk.
Just have them under there.
And, like, you know when you have, like, those cakes that they have under glass
at diners?
I'll just have a fucking baby in there.
Every once in a while.
You just –
I'll lift the lid up.
I'll just fucking put it back over.
Give it a bottle.
Knock it off!
Hey, knock it off!
Is it awake?
And I'll just tap on the glass.
That's really creepy.
No, I've been thinking about having a kid, right?
So I ran into this mother after a show, and she was talking about her son.
And she looked young, right?
She was, like, 30, 31 years old.
And I go, how old is your son?
She goes, 11.
And then she mentioned she had a daughter.
I go, how old is your daughter?
And she goes, 13.
So I do the math.
She had them at 18 and 20.
And I was just like, Jesus Christ.
You started young, huh?
And she winks at me.
She goes, yeah, got it out of the way.
She goes, now it's me time.
I'm just thinking in my head, what do you mean me time?
They're 11 and 13.
The fuck are you – you know?
That's why I really think it's a good thing that I haven't had kids yet.
Because I'm a selfish cunt.
And I'm really into doing shit for myself.
And there's just a lot of people out there.
I don't know.
I think they just have kids.
And then they – I don't know.
They stick them in front of the TV.
Watch a little Teletubby, you know?
And they're just bad parents.
And then every once in a while, you see a great fucking parent who's really
involved with this kid.
Like this YouTube video that somebody sent me this week.
This guy sent me a YouTube video of his seven-year-old son as a drummer.
This kid is the shit.
Not only can he play because I've seen kids play before, but he actually sings
along with the song.
And he has a look of passion on his face.
It's fucking awesome.
You can watch all these videos, by the way, on themmpodcast.com.
The only thing I will say to this, to the dad, is you got to get that kid some
sort of – you got to get him earplugs.
You got to get him those Vic First earphones that you just put.
It looks like the kid's going to use a weed whacker.
Just have him wear those.
It'll seem weird for the first couple of days, but I'm telling you, the kid's
ears are going to be fucking junk if you let them play without earplugs.
Take it from me.
I suffer from tinnitus or tetanus, however the fuck you say it.
And that's that ringing in the ear.
But, you know, there's nothing better than when you actually see good parents.
And I get nervous that I'm not going to be a good dad.
And whenever I see, you know, whenever I see a bunch of fucking women who are
mothers just dressed like they're out there looking to get banged, it's just
like there's no way you're a good mom.
You can't be a good mom.
You're dressed too nicely.
You know how moms look.
They wear comfortable clothes.
They have that fucking look on their face like, Jesus Christ, what did I do
with my life?
That's a mom.
You're not sitting down there with Ed Hardy panties on.
And then going, oh, yeah, my daughter just graduated the seventh grade.
Really?
What the fuck are you doing?
What, are you out here riding on the back of the Harley with your goddamn ass
crack showing?
You're not a mom.
Right there.
You ought to get a warning.
You know, you should get a warning.
Dress like a mom.
Get the fuck out of here.
Sitting here drinking your goddamn booze in the middle of the day with your bra
strap showing.
The fuck is wrong with you, lady?
Am I wrong thinking that?
Once again, people, Mother's Day is this Sunday.
All right?
Don't be a douche.
Just go to proflowers.com.
Click on the microphone in the upper right-hand corner.
When you type in the code, write B-U-R-R so I get credit on my podcast.
And just order her some flowers.
You'll get a vase.
You'll get the whole damn thing.
And then all you got to do is take her out to the IHOP.
You know?
You get her some pancakes.
What is she like?
Eggs Benedict?
You know?
Just do something like that or have your fucking broad do it.
But this is the thing.
Look, if you're a lazy bastard and you want to look like a good shit this year,
you could bang it all up.
You go right to Pro Flowers.
Buy some for your mother.
Buy some for your girlfriend's mother.
And buy some for your grandmother.
All right?
Then everybody in your life with a vagina can shut the fuck up for a fuck with
them.
Seriously.
You know what I mean.
Guys, we don't like to shop.
I should really stick to the copy here.
Mother's Day is right around the corner, everybody.
And Pro Flowers has Mother's Day bouquets starting at $19.99.
Visit proflowers.com.
Click on the microphone in the top right-hand corner.
And type in my password.
B-U-R-R.
Get her a bouquet of flowers.
Get her a goddamn vase.
Hand it to her.
Tell her you love her.
She's only going to be around for so goddamn long.
You know it.
I know it.
You should be doing this every damn year.
Every fucking year.
All right?
You go there.
You take her out to Denny's.
You know?
Pour her a bowl of cornflakes at that point.
If you got the fucking flowers and the va