Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Oooh Jesus Advice
Uploaded: 2011-05-16T09:39:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Oooh Jesus Advice' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-05-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Oooh Jesus Advice' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-05-16. Transcript available.

All right. Here we go. All right, Bill, one of my best friends has been going
to church for years and previously has never bothered me at all. Oh, Jesus. I
grew up. I grew up Catholic. And like so many Catholics, I got raped. No
kidding. I no longer I no longer attend church, but it doesn't bother me in the
least if someone else wants to go. This guy is the exact mindset that I am,
except I make fun of people who go to church a little bit, a little bit.
A few months ago, my friend started asking me if I would like to go to church
with him. Gay. I politely declare that's that's a gay thing to do. And I don't
mean I don't mean. How is it gay to ask someone to go to church with you?
Because you're both going to be wearing sweaters. You're going to be singing
songs. You are the most ridiculous person.
Hallelujah. Hallelujah. You're going to sit there and sing with your fucking
friend wearing a sweater. And then the priest up there, God knows what he did,
is going to be like, he had a beard and some long hair and he cured a leper.
None of you guys can do that. So you better give us some money. Hallelujah.
Yeah. You are not making fun of mass right now. It's not sacred to you. It's
nothing. Yes. There are some things that are sacred. Like what?
Not none of that horse shit. That oogly boogly. It's not oogly boogly. It's a
hymn. Well, it's like a call and response. I'll tell you what's sacred. I'll
tell you what's fucking sacred.
You asked a question. Now you're getting the answer, toots. I'll tell you what's
sacred. What's sacred is how you go out in the playoffs. The Celtics went out
with heart. We still lost our fucking, we still got our asses kicked. We still
got our asses kicked. All right. But there was no quit in that team. All right.
Okay. That's fucking sacred. What's sacrilegious is what the fucking Lakers did.
And I'm not disrespecting the franchise. I'm saying what the couple of those,
and it wasn't all of them. What, uh, it was really what Bynum did. I didn't
think what Odom did was bad. All right.
Can you just finish reading the question? Jesus Christ. Really? All of a sudden
you're dictating it. You asked me why. So he wants to go to church with me,
with him. I repeat. Gay. I politely declined. Dude, I'm not doing that shit. Um,
since then. Stop filling in the blanks with your own commentary. Why? That's
not a part of the letter because you're presenting it in a biased fashion. Just
read it and then give your opinion. You see this shit? This is a classic
fucking broad. It's like, I've been doing this shit for four years and you're
telling me how to run it.
Yeah. You have no idea how many moron guys are going to send in hate mail
because of that. Because not because you're a jerk, because some other. Well,
they're morons. So I don't give a shit. Jesus. This fucking elitist attitude.
Um, since then, my friend has told me he feels it's his mission to spread the
word of God. Stop saying it like that. Oh, man.
And continues to ask me to go. They got him. He drank the fucking Kool-Aid. Now
he's a zombie. And as time passes, he's getting more aggressive with his sales
pitch. That means he's probably reaching out and like touching his hand.
Uh, what started off with him just slipping it into casual conversation is loud.
Now led me to receiving text messages that say the following.
This means more to you. This means more to me than, you know, God has poured
out love to me and he is reaching out to you. Also ignore a few months, but
there is a lot at stake here.
Wow. Yeah. No, he, he, he's buying into that. Jesus is coming back. Okay. And
this time he's not fucking around.
This time. It's personal. Yeah. He, okay. So, so he's buying into the rapture.
Yes. I get it.
That this hippie is going to come back on a stegosaurus and just start killing
people, killing people.
What they say, what they say is fucking wrong. He's going to come back. Wrath.
One of the deadly sins. Judges. Judgment is mine.
Said it. The Lord. He's the son. He's the Donald Trump. He's got the fuck. He's
got a comb over at this point coming out of heaven.
He didn't make that money. He didn't make the fucking world. He's just a loud
jackass.
Hey, fuck. Fuck. You know, whatever. Cast me into the fucking pits. I don't
give a shit.
You know, you think I want to hang out with you in heaven forever. Just go. It
isn't this awesome. Yeah, it is awesome.
Can you please finish the letter? All right. What started off?
Okay. So, here we go. To this, I replied. Honestly, if it's my choice, I don't
want to go.
Please stop asking me about it. I don't know how many more ways I can request
that. There you go.
Okay. He responded with, I'll hold off, but know this. God loves you and will
not quit if I do.
Okay. Well, then, there's no reason to hit me two times. Let's just let God do
it. All right?
Anyways, here comes my question, Bill. Why does this fucking piss me off so
much? Why do these cults do, what do these cults do to these people? He's
involved with the church that people do joke around with and call a cult. What
would you do if you were me? At this point, I don't even want to talk to this
guy because these conversations are infuriating me.
Yeah. I would cut this guy out of your life. Yeah. It's annoying. That's why
you feel that way. No, but this is his friend. Really annoying. This is his
friend. This is his friend. And he wants to get him out of the cult. So, the
thing is, is if you go to him and you try to get him out of it, you're just
going to drive him further into it. So, what you do is just say, you just stop
being friends with him.
You know, and hope that that'll help because they're not going to go out of
that. Then he's not going to leave it. If you ask him to leave it. Yeah. I don't
know. You never, you never know. But yeah, he needs to just cut him out. Cause
yeah, there's no, you can't, unless he wants to spend the rest of his time with
this guy debating Catholicism or whatever, which I'm sure he doesn't want to do.
Then yeah, he should just cut him off. Personally, I would still hang out with
him.
You would just so you could get into debates with him. No. And I would just do
unbelievably satanic and annoying shit. That's a good idea. I would, I would.
Maybe you should do that. I would always have like shout at the devil playing,
you know, or maybe just that beginning cheesy thing.
You should invite him to a restaurant and it turns out to be like a strip club
and see what he does. Yeah. But you're going to see the titties on the outside.
Gentleman's club. That's true. No, I wouldn't do that shit. I would just,
I would hang out with him and hang out with, I would keep saying that I want to
get involved in the church and I would keep going to events.
And as they were going, you know, I just feel so filled up with God's love. I
would then be, ah, you want to talk about filled up? I fucking jerked off into
this chick's mouth.
I'm telling you, she had a big bass mouth and I don't know, maybe it was a
couple of days since the last time I fucking, you know, let them loose. But I
right up to the brim.
She was a champion. She swallowed. I'm sorry. What were you saying?
This is why you're going to hell.
Oh, why don't you pray for me?
I will.