Name: Bill Burr&Nia Advice - South Carolina Comedian
Uploaded: 2011-05-31T10:06:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia Advice - South Carolina Comedian' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-05-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia Advice - South Carolina Comedian' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-05-31. Transcript available.

advice dear bill i've got a few shitty things going on in my life right now
that i need to
vent about also i would like to hear your advice okay you guys don't need to
have fucking intros
like that just ask me the advice because then i'll read them and sound like a
shithead first
things first i live in south carolina and i think you can guess that that
pretty much blows
i'm 22 years old and i just graduated from college with a degree in psychology
my job outlook is pretty bleak right now and i just got laid off from my shitty
delivery job
jesus christ what the fuck is going on in this country this dude has a degree
in psychology and
he's delivering fucking entomance cakes to supermarkets and he gets laid off um
because
i must have applied for at least 30 jobs at this point and i've stopped
applying for the ones that
i'm underqualified for and i've started sorry and i'm still unemployed i don't
understand why the
access of entry into the restaurant industry is so fucking high i can't even
get a job
serving because they keep telling me we only hire people with two years of
experience
yeah well it's the law it's the laws of supply and demand you know if the if we
weren't in the
middle of a recession you could walk in there with the coming out of prison and
they'd let you work
the goddamn mesquite grill um yeah i worked in a restaurant there's a bunch of
fucking drug guys
we it was such a good economy it was like 1987 wait a second that was right
after black monday i
don't know maybe it was the south i have no idea i worked at this place called
the sable cafe in
north carolina way back in the day and uh we used to have this douche who used
to came in he was on
work release he was in prison and they would let him out so he could wash
dishes and work his way back
not wash dishes he actually worked the fucking cooking line he was above me
right i was a bus
boy slash grill chef slash dishwasher because the restaurant was slowly going
on a business and
that's slash hottie as uh as as people as people gradually quit they would
fucking uh they would
just give me their jobs and an extra 50 cents an hour and i was like whoa i'm raking
in the dough
because i sucked at math i didn't realize that they were paying me 350 an hour
and a grill guy five
dollars an hour so they went from paying 8 50 an hour but two guys to paying me
four dollars an hour
for fuck i'm a dumb fucking moron so anyways and this douche used to come in
and i remember one
time i came walking in the back and i'm doing three fucking jobs we were
slammed and i said oh my god
i go we're out of glasses what the fuck we're out of glasses then this guy in
work release goes
well why don't you wash some ah a novel idea that's what he said like he was
this fucking
renaissance man really really there shawshank the fuck are you doing after work
huh fucking carving a god damn hey watch all the steak knives make sure cunty
over here doesn't take
him back with your felon beard you're this stupid fucking almond brothers
facial hair five fucking
cunt it still bugs me because i didn't say anything to him because i got
intimidated even though i thought
i could take the guy but i was like this guy's been in prison you know he's
gonna beat me up and then
rape me fuck it i think i'll wash some glasses
so anyways um he goes if i can struggle through four years of school then i
think i can get the
hang of slinging tater skins and onion rings in a few weeks what is what is
there to learn uh oh
this guy's trying to get a cooking job well dude what job or a serving job well
i thought he meant
like being a waiter but now it sounds like he's talking about actually cooking
yeah dude you can't
learn on the job at a restaurant no oh was that underdone i'm sorry they're not
coming really oh he's
oh no but he's talking about cooking he's not because i thought he said he was
having a hard time getting
a job as a server because that you can learn in like two seconds no that's what
that's what he said
but now all of a sudden he's talking about slinging tater skins and onion rings
i think he just means
serving it
slinging doesn't slinging mean uh yeah but wasn't didn't he say earlier that he's
trying to get a
podcast for three minutes you're already disagreeing with me didn't say earlier
that he was trying to
get a job serving what is there to learning let me get back to this what is
there to learn in the
second year of restaurant experience that you can't get in the first year or
even the first six
months this i agree with how in the hell am i supposed to get a job
i'm also being cut out from financial support of my family who helped put me
through school if i can't
start paying bills then i'm going to have to move back in with my parents in a
shitty small town
that is about an hour away from the city i live in job outlook there is even
worse and i would hate
to move away from my friends and girlfriend me and my girl don't live together
but she's offered a lot
of needed support and most importantly she supports me pursuing comedy it's my
dream to become a comedian
and i can only go so far while i live in south carolina um no it isn't that he
can only go so
far living in south carolina yeah the fuck oh you become the next goddamn cable
guy dude there's people
this i guarantee you in south carolina there's a guy there who's the king of
south carolina and we've
never heard of him every state i've been huge there yeah and they fucking make
six figures a
year i'm not i understand what he's saying obviously he doesn't want to be the
king of
south carolina once again at movies and tvs become a nationally headlining act
i don't understand what
you're saying but i'm just saying you can make fucking money there there is
money to be made
with those drug uh fucking idiots there all you got to do just do a rick flair
impression that'll be a
closing bit you'll be fine um i would uh he lives out there i would like to
move to new york city but
won't be able to do that if i'm not able to save up money and i definitely won't
be able to do that
anytime soon because i am awaiting a trial for a dui i got back in january just
keeps getting like
unraveled more and more every sentence becomes as something else that's why
country songs are so sad
these people live it living in south carolina i love my girl's vagina and i can't
get a job washing
dishes did you just rhyme carolina i gotta do you why and i don't know why
because the cop was even
drunker than me and the song should be called i know i'm not rick flair because
i know i ain't rick
flare and i know i don't bleach my hair but i got a dream and would you help me
get your hand off your
gun i'm starting to get scared that run with hair all right go fuck yourselves
um anyways the trial is
this september and if i lose my license i will only be set further back from my
goals yeah you think
i'm trying to not to mention i'm growing weed in my apartment it's a one
bedroom with
bay windows and i think my neighbors are starting to catch on uh i am trying to
hone my skills here
no oh jesus somebody went out late last night i'm trying to hone my skills here
but i can't afford
uh to keep driving to open mics that are at least an hour away across the state
north carolina by the
way i've stopped drinking irresponsibly and i'm sorry that this email ran a
little long
respectfully so and so gotta love how the politeness of the south i know at
least he's a respectful
yeah probably one of those plantation kentucky fried chicken ties on holding on
to his lapels
that's a force call seven years old yeah that's how they uh that's how they get
you with the
politeness they get you with the politeness they do that's the uh see you know
as someone who grew
up in the south i know yeah that's you know what that's called that's called
hospitality that's
masking so so much yeah you know what that is that's called the old uh it's
called the old stonewall
jackson the old stonewall jackson you come in hey i surely would like to help
you don't you look
pretty today anyway i ain't trying to be disrespectful right and then you
fucking turn the corner let me
tell you something about that boy that boy would fuck a rock if he thought a
snake was under it
so what is what is he asking advice he's asking me how the fuck he gets out of
uh all this bad
shit all right you live in south carolina let's let's recap shall we yeah lives
in south carolina
can't get a job slinging tater tots to fatties who are wearing overalls and
somehow the crack of
their ass is still hanging out of it he got a dui he's gonna have to move back
home with his parents
an hour away where the job is even worse than it is where he is right now and
he got uh jesus christ
and he wants to live his dream i mean i i only see one solution here other than
hitting the lottery
you got to start dealing weed i mean yeah right he's in south carolina can he
grow some tobacco yeah
didn't he say something about being a psychology major or something aren't you
supposed to do some
sort of internship at a place after you do school and that's how you get entry
into a job he doesn't
want to do that this guy wants to be a comedian so what he wants to be a yeah
yeah so so what he needs
he needs some sort of hustle to get him out of this all right dude this this
will make you feel
better guess what happened to me right before i became a stand-up comedian i
lost my license
for drinking and driving this is what you got to do dude you got to uh you got
to get through your dui
um and i don't know what to tell you man you got to somehow try and find a
fucking job
ah fuck i lived at home with my parents i had a day job and then i and i did
comedy at night and i
saved every fucking dime i drove a piece of shit car and when it died rather
than get a new one i i
just had him throw a new engine in my old one so i only went like 1500 in debt
rather than 15 grand
that's what i did so listen if you want to be a fucking comedian you want it
bad enough you're
going to figure out how to do it you're in a hell of a situation there you got
to get a
fucking job dude i would open i take any fucking job you can take landscaping
anything you can do
um get through this fucking dui horseshit and uh despite the fact that you work
all day you still
got to go out and you still have to uh do those open mics you got to do it and
uh as hard as it's
gonna be it's gonna it's gonna make you tough and that's what you got to be to
make it in the world
you got to be tough you got to get up but you know what you've been knocked on
your ass you're flat
on the back flat on your back and you got to get up all right the ref's over
you right now six seven
most people just lay there i'm gonna go fucking lay between my mom's titties
and just say i quit in
life you're not gonna do that are you you're gonna pick yourself up
you should have seen the look she just gave me yeah i'm trying to inspire him
this kid is in a
fucking hole yeah but he can get out of it yeah he's got to suck it up how
would you get out of
it like you said how would you get out of it i would do like you said i'd have
to take any job
that i could get but i'm a female so maybe i could get no i was thinking babysitting
you pervert
you'd whore yourself out no i wouldn't why why i want my name is nia boo boo
boo and i got
some high heels doo doo doo doo who wants to fucking hit this i wanna be a
comedian