Name: Bill Burr - Controlling Gas Mileage
Uploaded: 2011-06-21T09:25:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Controlling Gas Mileage' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-06-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Controlling Gas Mileage' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-06-21. Transcript available.

Um, there was a lot of shit this week that fucking annoyed me.
Um, on the gas mileage thing, I brought up last week how I was watching, uh,
The Goodbye Girl.
And she was standing, one of the characters was standing in front of a fucking
Subaru.
And, uh, it got 39 miles per gallon.
And here it is 36 years later.
And my car only gets fucking, uh, a hybrid.
Only gets 41 miles per gallon.
So this brilliant guy writes in and he goes, he starts talking about leaded gas
and all this fucking, how cars today are heavier.
This fucking moron thought cars today were heavier than cars back in the day.
You know, like the 1959 Cadillac.
I'm sure that that car was lighter than your average Toyota Camry.
So anyways, this, somebody sent me, let me, let me actually read this guy's,
this guy's response here.
One of the many that I got, um, on the gas mileage thing.
It always blows my mind what people fucking respond to.
So this guy ends up writing me, uh, he goes, there are two reasons.
Wait a minute.
It's loading.
Loading.
I don't know.
He gave me all these fucking reasons and I basically responded.
But so basic, you're telling me, he basically said that it had nothing to do
with money.
It had to do with the weight of the cars and somehow the, the mixture of the
gasoline that we use nowadays.
That's why they just can't figure out a fucking way to get more than like,
better than, what's the highest you've seen?
Like 40, 45.
This guy tried to say, well, actually there are things that get a hundred miles
to gallon.
They're scooters.
Ah, what a moron.
He goes, there's two reasons why old cars have such highly, high published gas
mileage.
For one, the EPA test simply used to provide higher numbers.
Sir, they've been doing that right up until the last couple of years ago.
In fact, the year before I bought my Prius, they were legally able to claim
that it got like 50, 50, actually almost 60 miles per gallon.
Before they cracked down on the hybrid and made them say actually 40 ones.
I'm aware of the EPA test.
I'm aware that they do it when there's no headwind.
I'm aware that most of the test is when they're fucking going 25 miles an hour
and they only drive the car 55 miles an hour for about fucking 30 seconds.
I realize that the numbers are skewed.
Okay.
He said it's been revived several times over the decade.
Yeah, so my Prius, your Prius would get like 70 miles per gallon on the old
test.
No, it wouldn't, sir.
No, it wouldn't.
It would get more like 60.
That's what it did.
Let's just say that it would get 70.
Who gives a shit?
He goes, where am I?
The second reason is safety features.
Check out the weight of your vehicles.
Cars have gotten heavier.
No, they haven't.
My Prius is not heavier than a fucking Subaru.
In the 1970s, it isn't.
Dude, I'm old enough to remember when cars actually had metal on their
dashboard.
They're all plastic hunks of shit now.
He goes, cars have even 15 years ago featured death traps when compared to the
modern cars.
No, they didn't.
They've had the crumple-free zones.
They don't know crumple-free.
They've had those crumple zones for years.
Sir, in 1988, I was coming home from a Christmas party, drunk off my ass,
sitting in the fucking passenger seat of a Pontiac Grand Prix.
We pulled up to a red light.
There was a fucking Jeep CJ7, the old school one, sitting there.
All right?
We saw it.
I saw it.
The driver saw it.
But the alcohol didn't quite see it.
And we just sort of went, we're slowing down.
But we didn't come to a complete stop and just completely rear-ended this guy.
All right?
There wasn't a scratch on the fucking Jeep.
This goddamn car folded up like a fucking accordion.
The engine dropped down underneath us.
And I didn't even get a boo-boo.
I just sort of, you know, I didn't have a seatbelt on or nothing.
The car was designed to take 80% of the fucking impact.
All right?
You're sitting in your cubicle just tossing these fucking numbers out.
All right?
So basically my response is, I'm saying it has nothing to do with money and the
oil companies.
So basically what you're telling me is that nowadays I can have a video
conference with somebody in Brazil
while my entire music collection is in my pocket on a phone that is also a
camera and a video recorder.
I can upload the content onto the internet and potentially have it viewed by
every person in the fucking world,
but we can't make a car that does any better than 40 miles per gallon.
So fortunately, you know, everything else has fucking progressed except for gas
mileage.
Dude, I'm telling you, they have the technology to get like 500 miles per
gallon.
They're just not going to fucking put it out because that's how powerful the
goddamn oil companies are.
They're right up there with the banks.
You got the banks and then you got the oil company.
The banks control the money supply and then the oil companies, they control
energy.
Okay?
You control energy.
You control the fucking population.
Do you know that they're actually out here, there's people, they're selling
kits out here
to have your own fucking windmill so you can get yourself off the grid.
So then they immediately passed the fucking law, General Electric, that General
Electric had
to come around and make sure that everything was safe.
They had to get their fucking noses back in there because they can't have
people disappearing
off the fucking grid.
You can't have people getting free energy other than the cost of the fucking
windmill.
You can't have them sitting there and every time the goddamn wind blows, it recharges
a generator
and now I don't have to work as much.
If I don't have to work as much, I don't have to go into debt.
You're getting yourself off of the fucking treadmill and they can't have that.
All right?
God damn it.
I wish I was more intelligent so I could explain this better.
But you know what?
There's a great documentary.
I'm actually going to email this guy back.
It's called The Gas Hole, full documentary.
And they have everything from the urban myth of the water-powered carburetor,
which this
guy who wrote to me completely dismissed.
He completely dismissed any sort of – that that exists because he sits in a
cubicle and
I sit in a fucking bedroom, all right?
And he tries to just say that's just another media hoax.
Oh, you know, they said, do we beat Eisenhower or fucking, like, dumb shit like
that.
Okay?
So this documentary, everything from, like, the urban myths that these water-powered
cars
existed all the way up to actual – a retired scientist who worked for Shell.
You just have to watch this documentary.
They were showing – there was a book out that claimed that they could get 149
miles
per gallon in the 1950s on, like, a Packard or a DeSoto.
And by the 70s, this scientist who worked for Shell said they had gotten it up
to 1,000 miles
per gallon.
All right?
I don't know why people think that it's absolutely impossible to improve the
gas mileage.
Some people feel that.
I don't know why people feel like we can't come up with anything better than
the gas combustion
engine.
It's complete fucking – it's the same level of bullshit as that there's an
actual difference
between a Democrat and a Republican.
Watch this documentary, The Gas Hole.
We're going to have the link up on the Monday Morning Podcast.
Just watch this shit.
And I don't know what to tell you.
Some of it looks like, okay, they have this old guy going, you know, and this
guy showed
up and he had – it was a contraption made out of – you know, it was powered
on water.
And then he claimed that Shell bought the patent, gave him a million dollars,
and then he could
never fucking, you know, make another one.
Now, that's the kind of shit, some old guy saying that he saw it on a salt flat
in the
1950s.
I'm not going with that.
All right?
I'm not that much of a fucking whack job.
But when a guy who used to work for Shell is coming out saying that type of
stuff, it's
just – it gets to the point, like, are all of these people nuts?
You know what I mean?
There's no fucking way – I don't give a shit whether there's lead and gas,
whether
there's not lead and gas, how much the car fucking weighs, or any of that
bullshit.
There's no fucking way that in almost 40 years you can't do better than two
more miles
per gallon.
I absolutely fucking refuse to believe it.
I fucking refuse to believe it.
I think it's complete fucking horse shit.
It's just another way to keep control of the herd.
Now, if you want to argue that you need to keep control of the herd or there's
going to
be absolute chaos, so we have to keep cars down like that, I will listen to
that argument.
But if you're going to come at me and tell me that in 2000 fucking 11, okay,
when I'm
reading shit that in the medical field, they can now grow a fucking – a new
colon for
somebody outside of the body.
I read this thing on that TED.com.
This woman had a completely ulcerated large intestine.
So, they took some sort of tissue culture, whatever the fuck that means, out of
her diseased
colon, used that to then grow another one outside of her body.
When they were done growing it, they took the old one out and put the new one
in like she
went down to Midas muffler, and it totally fucking worked.
Okay?
Up until like five years ago, you were looking at a colostomy bag.
You would have a bag of shit right under her fucking right titty for the rest
of her goddamn
life.
Her social life would have been over.
Okay?
If they can do that, you're telling me, you're still going to tell me they can't
do anything
better than about 40 fucking, 45 miles a gallon.
You're really going to sit there and believe that in your goddamn cubicle that
they just
can't fucking, just can't fucking figure it out.
The only way I can get like 100 miles a gallon is if I ride on a fucking
scooter.
You, sir, believe in Santa Claus.
I remember one time I had this old piece of shit truck, right, that I drove for
like 10
years because I knew I wanted to be a comedian and I didn't want to go into
debt.
So when the engine finally died, I threw a new engine in there and the guy told
me he
needed to rebuild the carburetor.
I'm like, you don't need to rebuild the carburetor.
So you know what this cunt did?
He fucking adjusted the carburetor so I would just get shitty gas mileage.
Hoping I would be an absolute fucking moron and then drive back and be like,
well, I guess
you're right.
I'm just, I'm just chowing through gas here.
That's what this motherfucker did.
At his little garage, this little piece of shit did that because it wasn't
enough that
he fucking made 1600 fucking bucks off me.
He wanted to make like fucking 1900 bucks.
So he did that just as a fucking individual.
And you're going to try and tell me that a corporation that basically controls
the world
fucking energy is not going to buy up patents by people that are making, are
coming up with
carburetors and stuff like carburetors, but coming up with alternate ways of
powering a
car more efficiently.
They're not going to buy that up.
Dude, they have that whole Stanley Mayer thing.
And that's not a conspiracy theory either.
We actually, we actually played the news clip on the Opie and Anthony show.
Stanley Mayer, great news for individuals, but bad news for oil companies
claims.
He's come up with an engine that can run on any type of water.
Freshwater, saltwater, rainwater doesn't make a difference.
And he claims he can drive across the country on 28 gallons of water.
Um, this is of such interest.
The Pentagon is sending a Lieutenant Colonel out there.
That was the actual news clip from the Opie and Anthony show.
It was an actual news clip.
It's not some bullshit I read on a fucking website.
Okay.
Now what happened after that?
Nobody knows, but basically within 10 years, Stanley was dead and his car
disappeared.
And his brother right now is trying to get the car back and nobody knows where
the fuck it is.
All right.
Um, I, I truly believe that the quickest death sentence you could possibly have
is to go on the news and claim that you've come out with an alternate source of
energy.
That's going to put a corporation out of business that is making, that is
projected to make $350 billion next year.
How much do you think your life is worth?
And if you have $350 billion, how easy is it?
Do you think to get somebody to solve this problem?

Bill Burr - Controlling Gas Mileage

Um, there was a lot of shit this week that fucking annoyed me.
Um, on the gas mileage thing, I brought up last week how I was watching, uh,
The Goodbye Girl.
And she was standing, one of the characters was standing in front of a fucking
Subaru.
And, uh, it got 39 miles per gallon.
And here it is 36 years later.
And my car only gets fucking, uh, a hybrid.
Only gets 41 miles per gallon.
So this brilliant guy writes in and he goes, he starts talking about leaded gas
and all this fucking, how cars today are heavier.
This fucking moron thought cars today were heavier than cars back in the day.
You know, like the 1959 Cadillac.
I'm sure that that car was lighter than your average Toyota Camry.
So anyways, this, somebody sent me, let me, let me actually read this guy's,
this guy's response here.
One of the many that I got, um, on the gas mileage thing.
It always blows my mind what people fucking respond to.
So this guy ends up writing me, uh, he goes, there are two reasons.
Wait a minute.
It's loading.
Loading.
I don't know.
He gave me all these fucking reasons and I basically responded.
But so basic, you're telling me, he basically said that it had nothing to do
with money.
It had to do with the weight of the cars and somehow the, the mixture of the
gasoline that we use nowadays.
That's why they just can't figure out a fucking way to get more than like,
better than, what's the highest you've seen?
Like 40, 45.
This guy tried to say, well, actually there are things that get a hundred miles
to gallon.
They're scooters.
Ah, what a moron.
He goes, there's two reasons why old cars have such highly, high published gas
mileage.
For one, the EPA test simply used to provide higher numbers.
Sir, they've been doing that right up until the last couple of years ago.
In fact, the year before I bought my Prius, they were legally able to claim
that it got like 50, 50, actually almost 60 miles per gallon.
Before they cracked down on the hybrid and made them say actually 40 ones.
I'm aware of the EPA test.
I'm aware that they do it when there's no headwind.
I'm aware that most of the test is when they're fucking going 25 miles an hour
and they only drive the car 55 miles an hour for about fucking 30 seconds.
I realize that the numbers are skewed.
Okay.
He said it's been revived several times over the decade.
Yeah, so my Prius, your Prius would get like 70 miles per gallon on the old
test.
No, it wouldn't, sir.
No, it wouldn't.
It would get more like 60.
That's what it did.
Let's just say that it would get 70.
Who gives a shit?
He goes, where am I?
The second reason is safety features.
Check out the weight of your vehicles.
Cars have gotten heavier.
No, they haven't.
My Prius is not heavier than a fucking Subaru.
In the 1970s, it isn't.
Dude, I'm old enough to remember when cars actually had metal on their
dashboard.
They're all plastic hunks of shit now.
He goes, cars have even 15 years ago featured death traps when compared to the
modern cars.
No, they didn't.
They've had the crumple-free zones.
They don't know crumple-free.
They've had those crumple zones for years.
Sir, in 1988, I was coming home from a Christmas party, drunk off my ass,
sitting in the fucking passenger seat of a Pontiac Grand Prix.
We pulled up to a red light.
There was a fucking Jeep CJ7, the old school one, sitting there.
All right?
We saw it.
I saw it.
The driver saw it.
But the alcohol didn't quite see it.
And we just sort of went, we're slowing down.
But we didn't come to a complete stop and just completely rear-ended this guy.
All right?
There wasn't a scratch on the fucking Jeep.
This goddamn car folded up like a fucking accordion.
The engine dropped down underneath us.
And I didn't even get a boo-boo.
I just sort of, you know, I didn't have a seatbelt on or nothing.
The car was designed to take 80% of the fucking impact.
All right?
You're sitting in your cubicle just tossing these fucking numbers out.
All right?
So basically my response is, I'm saying it has nothing to do with money and the
oil companies.
So basically what you're telling me is that nowadays I can have a video
conference with somebody in Brazil
while my entire music collection is in my pocket on a phone that is also a
camera and a video recorder.
I can upload the content onto the internet and potentially have it viewed by
every person in the fucking world,
but we can't make a car that does any better than 40 miles per gallon.
So fortunately, you know, everything else has fucking progressed except for gas
mileage.
Dude, I'm telling you, they have the technology to get like 500 miles per
gallon.
They're just not going to fucking put it out because that's how powerful the
goddamn oil companies are.
They're right up there with the banks.
You got the banks and then you got the oil company.
The banks control the money supply and then the oil companies, they control
energy.
Okay?
You control energy.
You control the fucking population.
Do you know that they're actually out here, there's people, they're selling
kits out here
to have your own fucking windmill so you can get yourself off the grid.
So then they immediately passed the fucking law, General Electric, that General
Electric had
to come around and make sure that everything was safe.
They had to get their fucking noses back in there because they can't have
people disappearing
off the fucking grid.
You can't have people getting free energy other than the cost of the fucking
windmill.
You can't have them sitting there and every time the goddamn wind blows, it recharges
a generator
and now I don't have to work as much.
If I don't have to work as much, I don't have to go into debt.
You're getting yourself off of the fucking treadmill and they can't have that.
All right?
God damn it.
I wish I was more intelligent so I could explain this better.
But you know what?
There's a great documentary.
I'm actually going to email this guy back.
It's called The Gas Hole, full documentary.
And they have everything from the urban myth of the water-powered carburetor,
which this
guy who wrote to me completely dismissed.
He completely dismissed any sort of – that that exists because he sits in a
cubicle and
I sit in a fucking bedroom, all right?
And he tries to just say that's just another media hoax.
Oh, you know, they said, do we beat Eisenhower or fucking, like, dumb shit like
that.
Okay?
So this documentary, everything from, like, the urban myths that these water-powered
cars
existed all the way up to actual – a retired scientist who worked for Shell.
You just have to watch this documentary.
They were showing – there was a book out that claimed that they could get 149
miles
per gallon in the 1950s on, like, a Packard or a DeSoto.
And by the 70s, this scientist who worked for Shell said they had gotten it up
to 1,000 miles
per gallon.
All right?
I don't know why people think that it's absolutely impossible to improve the
gas mileage.
Some people feel that.
I don't know why people feel like we can't come up with anything better than
the gas combustion
engine.
It's complete fucking – it's the same level of bullshit as that there's an
actual difference
between a Democrat and a Republican.
Watch this documentary, The Gas Hole.
We're going to have the link up on the Monday Morning Podcast.
Just watch this shit.
And I don't know what to tell you.
Some of it looks like, okay, they have this old guy going, you know, and this
guy showed
up and he had – it was a contraption made out of – you know, it was powered
on water.
And then he claimed that Shell bought the patent, gave him a million dollars,
and then he could
never fucking, you know, make another one.
Now, that's the kind of shit, some old guy saying that he saw it on a salt flat
in the
1950s.
I'm not going with that.
All right?
I'm not that much of a fucking whack job.
But when a guy who used to work for Shell is coming out saying that type of
stuff, it's
just – it gets to the point, like, are all of these people nuts?
You know what I mean?
There's no fucking way – I don't give a shit whether there's lead and gas,
whether
there's not lead and gas, how much the car fucking weighs, or any of that
bullshit.
There's no fucking way that in almost 40 years you can't do better than two
more miles
per gallon.
I absolutely fucking refuse to believe it.
I fucking refuse to believe it.
I think it's complete fucking horse shit.
It's just another way to keep control of the herd.
Now, if you want to argue that you need to keep control of the herd or there's
going to
be absolute chaos, so we have to keep cars down like that, I will listen to
that argument.
But if you're going to come at me and tell me that in 2000 fucking 11, okay,
when I'm
reading shit that in the medical field, they can now grow a fucking – a new
colon for
somebody outside of the body.
I read this thing on that TED.com.
This woman had a completely ulcerated large intestine.
So, they took some sort of tissue culture, whatever the fuck that means, out of
her diseased
colon, used that to then grow another one outside of her body.
When they were done growing it, they took the old one out and put the new one
in like she
went down to Midas muffler, and it totally fucking worked.
Okay?
Up until like five years ago, you were looking at a colostomy bag.
You would have a bag of shit right under her fucking right titty for the rest
of her goddamn
life.
Her social life would have been over.
Okay?
If they can do that, you're telling me, you're still going to tell me they can't
do anything
better than about 40 fucking, 45 miles a gallon.
You're really going to sit there and believe that in your goddamn cubicle that
they just
can't fucking, just can't fucking figure it out.
The only way I can get like 100 miles a gallon is if I ride on a fucking
scooter.
You, sir, believe in Santa Claus.
I remember one time I had this old piece of shit truck, right, that I drove for
like 10
years because I knew I wanted to be a comedian and I didn't want to go into
debt.
So when the engine finally died, I threw a new engine in there and the guy told
me he
needed to rebuild the carburetor.
I'm like, you don't need to rebuild the carburetor.
So you know what this cunt did?
He fucking adjusted the carburetor so I would just get shitty gas mileage.
Hoping I would be an absolute fucking moron and then drive back and be like,
well, I guess
you're right.
I'm just, I'm just chowing through gas here.
That's what this motherfucker did.
At his little garage, this little piece of shit did that because it wasn't
enough that
he fucking made 1600 fucking bucks off me.
He wanted to make like fucking 1900 bucks.
So he did that just as a fucking individual.
And you're going to try and tell me that a corporation that basically controls
the world
fucking energy is not going to buy up patents by people that are making, are
coming up with
carburetors and stuff like carburetors, but coming up with alternate ways of
powering a
car more efficiently.
They're not going to buy that up.
Dude, they have that whole Stanley Mayer thing.
And that's not a conspiracy theory either.
We actually, we actually played the news clip on the Opie and Anthony show.
Stanley Mayer, great news for individuals, but bad news for oil companies
claims.
He's come up with an engine that can run on any type of water.
Freshwater, saltwater, rainwater doesn't make a difference.
And he claims he can drive across the country on 28 gallons of water.
Um, this is of such interest.
The Pentagon is sending a Lieutenant Colonel out there.
That was the actual news clip from the Opie and Anthony show.
It was an actual news clip.
It's not some bullshit I read on a fucking website.
Okay.
Now what happened after that?
Nobody knows, but basically within 10 years, Stanley was dead and his car
disappeared.
And his brother right now is trying to get the car back and nobody knows where
the fuck it is.
All right.
Um, I, I truly believe that the quickest death sentence you could possibly have
is to go on the news and claim