Name: Bill Burr - Leaky Faucet
Uploaded: 2011-07-11T11:18:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Leaky Faucet' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-07-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Leaky Faucet' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-07-11. Transcript available.

um this is what i did this week people i came home and uh i don't know what the
fuck i was
supposed to do but i walked into my bathroom and i saw that i had a leaky faucet
immediately i got
excited because i was like oh my god i was like oh my god there is a problem
all right there's a
problem and i know how to fix it i know how to fix that motherfucker all i do
is i unscrew that
little thing that the faucet handle pops right off and then right underneath it's
that thing that
looks like a spark plug right pull that thing out there's a little washer you
take it out you stick
a new one in bam and you reverse the process i've done it i've done it like
five times since i've been
in this apartment and by five i probably mean two but we're going to say five
reality was probably two
but i feel like i've done it like five times so i walk in there bring in my
little toolbox like a
thing i bring in that little red one little fire engine red toolbox and i come
walking in
you know looking like the puppet that i look like and i open it up right grab
my allen wrenches
unscrew that little fucking thing and here i am took the screw out i did
everything right
i put the towel right up down in the sink right over the uh the drain mouth so
i wouldn't lose it down
there i put the screw right where i knew it was going to be right in the little
area where i brush
my teeth everything's going well so far all systems go so i unscrew the fucking
thing right everything's
good and i go to take the handle off lo and behold it won't come off seems a
little fussy
so i start jiggling it a little bit i start tugging at it i go wait a minute
bill wait a minute
let's not break anything and turn this easy repair into something bigger so
what do i do i go on to
youtube already getting embarrassed going i already know how to fix this
fucking thing i was going to
show off that i know how to do this so my girl could be like oh my god you're
so you're funny
and you're handy right and it would just fill up my ego so i go on the fucking
youtube how to fix a
leaky faucet and every motherfucker on there they're unscrewing a little screw
the handle pops right off
and they're on to the job so i'm like son of a bitch maybe there's some sort of
uh gunk in there
so i start tugging it a little fucking harder and in the back of my head it
keeps going don't do this
it's gonna break don't do this i start looking at it going did i did i take a
wrench out was there
something else i had to fucking unscrew i just can't figure it out and finally
what happens i lose my
temper and i go i'm yanking this motherfucker off right what happens snap the
goddamn handle snap the
fucking thing off like halfway down part of the threads are in there it's this
old vintage fucking
faucet handle so i had this simple goddamn job oh halfway through i called my
fucking dad too to
figure out how to do it and i was already pissed which is funny isn't that
funny when you call
somebody at midway through a job you know he's just hanging out he's just like
hello i'm like yeah
it's bill i'm trying to fix the fucking faucet he's just like geez easy easy
you know you just hit the
ground running screaming at him oh you know what you want to do there bill is
uh you want to uh you
want to unscrew i'm like i fucking did that already i already did that i tried
to do it he go i'll
jiggle it i jiggled it you know and i yelled at him so much he started getting
mad he's like well
fucking call a plumber i'm like i'm not gonna fucking call a plumber of a
goddamn leaky
fucking faucet he's like well i don't know what to tell you i said fine i'll
call you later he goes
all right goodbye you know so that was the upside of it i got a little father-son
quality
quality time in there so what do i do i say fuck this i i got a i got a goddamn
screwdriver i'm trying
to for the whole time i'm going what step did i miss what did i do it i just
pushed this up here
sorry about that i'm like what step did i just fucking miss so as you know as
always
my temper does me in and what do i do i fucking yank this thing off it snaps
off
and now i still have a leaky faucet and i have half a goddamn handle
so of course you know the male ego i can't say anything to my girl right
i just fucking walk out head down defeat i look you know i look like
i look like fucking peyton manning in the third quarter of a playoff game
i got that peyton face you know i undid my chin strap and i'm already looking
for somebody to throw
under the bus to blame it on right i start blaming my landlord because he likes
everything all fucking old
rather than just you know putting the blame on my shoulders and being a fucking
leader
so like i said i walk out of there that's the only thing i was missing was a peyton
manning jersey
as i walk out my stupid sweaty forehead and i just walk out and i wait for nia
to discover it
right and she comes in and she knows i've been flipping out she heard me yell
at my dad
about a washer you know stupid fucking another three minutes of my life i'll
never get back
because of my dumb ass temper and uh she goes in and immediately comes out she's
like
what what happened to the thing was with her are you like are you halfway
through the job
nope it's done sweetie still leaks and now there's half a handle anything else
you need me to go take
care of here i am the man about the house so um anyway so i've gone on i've
gone on ebay
i've gone everywhere i'm trying to find it's not a really unique uh faucet
handle it's just an older
one and out of respect for the guy who owns this place i want to get a new one
does anybody any
podcast listener in my los ang in the los angeles area know where i can find do
they have old is there
a is there a fred sanford house out here that just will have a bunch of old
faucet handles that's
what i need to know uh i have pictures of my damaged faucet handle up on the uh
the mmpodcast.com
the official fan page of the monday morning podcast and once again it's www.themmpodcast.com
people seem to be having problems sometimes finding it and uh anybody out there
that knows how to
fucking do it if you can look at it and tell me where i went wrong i even took
a picture of the
goddamn screw where i unscrewed it what else would be holding it in i don't
understand it
obviously you don't understand it bill you fucking broke it so uh i'm
embarrassed i'm embarrassed
that's one of the first things i learned how to do in plumbing and i was beyond
excited i probably
talked about it three years ago on the podcast for those of you searching in
the archives um
i don't know what happened this this is a lot but what kills me about that is
that is a microcosm of
my life it's like there's an obstacle i learn how to defeat it and then i walk
away and i completely
forget everything that i've learned and then fucking six months later i'm in
the same situation
i lose my temper and the thing blows up in my face and uh you know i'm 43 years
old so who's kidding
who wouldn't you say i'm beyond the halfway point in my life you got to think
that i mean 86 years
you know that's long enough for a curse everybody um i think i'm gonna make it
into my 90s
and i want to hear everybody talking about my temper and how it's causing high
blood pressure go fuck
yourself i go for hikes that's how i even it off that's how i level it off