Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Break Up Reassurance
Uploaded: 2011-07-25T20:52:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Break Up Reassurance' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-07-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Break Up Reassurance' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-07-25. Transcript available.

Let's go with some advice.
Bill, I need some serious advice on what to do with the relationship I was in.
I just broke it off yesterday, but I need some fucking reassurance.
Reassurance.
Jesus, I couldn't get through that word, could I?
All right.
I'm 19, and me and this girl had been dating for three and a half years,
basically since I was 16.
My girlfriend and I have always gotten along, and shit was really great.
Almost too great.
Up until the last year, it dawned on me nearly overnight.
My life was stagnant.
I did the same repetitive shit with her over and over every night.
It hit me really hard.
I felt as if I were a married man at the age of 19, void of all my piss and
vinegar.
It pissed me the fuck off.
Even the sex got old, and I feel like a spoiled prick for writing that
because I know a lot of guys out there would get a left nut to get their dick
wet,
but you can't eat steak every night.
Jesus, could this guy throw more cliches in there?
Over the past few years, I slowly but surely moved away from old chicks or
friends
I used to be friendly with in high school
until the other day I fucking realized that I really don't have much left.
I feel as if I have one true friend sprinkled in with a few opportunistic pricks
I call friends.
I'm not happy with who I call my friends anymore.
My gut tells me that the reason I've lost friends is because of being too
heavily invested with my girlfriend.
Now I seem to be left with just her.
I broke it off yesterday thinking to myself that there's more to fucking life
at the age of 19
than getting the same limp dick hand job every night.
It broke her heart when I told her I wasn't happy anymore.
I want to get back out there, have a social life, reconnect with some friends,
meet some new people, and get some pussy.
She still keeps trying to text me and call me just to talk and still wants to
be friends,
but she's the clingy type, and I think she wants to weasel back in.
My question is, did I make the right move?
Do I still talk to this girl as a friend, or do I cut it clean?
Any reassurance or advice or possibly a five-minute rant would do me wonders.
Alright, yeah, it sucks.
It sucks, you know, sometimes you've got to hurt somebody,
but this basically is your first relationship,
and what happened to you happens to most people, women included.
You kind of lose yourself in it.
You're not living a balanced life.
See, you could have been with that girl and still had your old friends and
acquaintances if you worked on that,
but I think you got head over heels with this girl,
and you kind of went down the fucking rabbit hole,
and then all of a sudden you turned around, there was no one behind you,
and that kind of freaks you out, which is totally normal at 19.
So I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
As far as maintaining a relationship with her,
maybe later,
my gut says don't do it now,
you're just going to hurt her more,
because it's going to give her hope that you're going to get back with her,
or you're going to have that awful after you broke up sex,
where you're going to be, oh, I'm psyched, I'm getting laid,
and halfway through it, I swear to God,
you have an 80% chance she's going to start crying.
Okay?
At which point you're going to be like, oh my God,
is this like a rape case now?
What's going on?
And you're going to pull out blue balls,
she's going to be crying,
and you're going to be like, sorry,
and then you're going to want to comfort her,
but not comfort her too much to give her hope,
and you're going to fucking walk out to your car at a 45 degree angle,
feeling like your balls are down by your ankles.
So stay away from that.
Yeah, I think if you guys are going to be friends,
I just think that some time needs to go over,
because it's not fair to her,
because you sound definitely like you don't want to be with her anymore,
and every time you talk to her,
even if you say, I still don't want to get with you,
you're just putting her right back at the start line
of getting over you and moving on with her life,
or whatever the hell is going to happen,
and that's not fair to her,
so, you know,
and you did the right thing.
You wanted to be out of it,
so you got out of it.
That's exactly what you got to do.
You got to hurt somebody sometimes.
It's much worse to waste their life.
It's way worse.
And you're only 19.
You guys heal fast.
You'll get over it.
So get out there.
Have a good time.
Wear a fucking condom.
Always get yourself some new friends.
Football season's coming up, baby!