Name: Bill Burr&Nia - Email Response From A LAY-dee
Uploaded: 2011-08-08T11:04:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia - Email Response From A LAY-dee' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-08-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia - Email Response From A LAY-dee' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-08-08. Transcript available.

So last week I asked to hear some fucking questions from the ladies, and I got
some.
Here we go, from the ladies.
Hey, Bill, I've been listening to your Monday Morning Podcast for about a year.
Actually, my boyfriend listens, but now I'm hooked, which is awesome.
Anyways, I just want to say that I agree with you about the 21-year-old virgin
from last week.
And then she says, what Mia, it's Nia with an N, not an M.
A lot of people mess that up.
What Nia, with an N, says makes sense to my wiring, being a female.
Romance and fuzzy feelings are fun, but my 10-year relationship has given me a
little insight into a man's perspective.
And I agree that the young man may get laid, get totally attached to the nerdy
chick,
and then, like a little domesticated puppy dog, proceed to follow this nerdy
first-time girl around,
waiting and waiting for her sexual peak, waiting and waiting and waiting.
Then, voila, he's 40, horny, feels like he's wasted his youth, perhaps angry at
himself and women at large.
And then, who knows, maybe a comb-over in a Corvette, maybe a serial killer.
Who knows?
For the record, it's not that I don't think love works, but I do think that men
have to come to that on their own.
Fucking brilliant.
Absolutely.
She's basically agreeing with me that you have to fuck the demon out of you.
After they've realized that they want a relationship to come home to, or
perhaps they realize that they don't, which is fine.
But then there won't be children to fuck over and a relationship ruined.
Absolutely.
Now, if I hadn't freaked out Nia about my goddamn gun talk, you guys would have
loved me.
Charlton Heston would have been fucking high-fiving me from the goddamn grave.
I could have had her comment on that.
Number two.
Actually, you know what?
Let me get her for a second.
Hang on a second.
Okay, and with the magic of the pause button, the lovely Nia has returned to
the podcast.
And don't you look lovely.
Thank you.
All right, listen to this.
I actually got to kind of read that this girl actually kind of agreed with me
last week.
Remember last week, the 21-year-old version?
Version?
Version?
Why do you keep saying version?
I don't know.
I have like, I would love to say that I have dyslexia.
I have a rare case of dyslexia where I don't even have to be reading to do it.
Right.
You just mispronounce words.
All right, so who agrees with you?
Are you in a mood?
Are you in a mood?
Let's keep it nice.
Okay?
I didn't bring you on here to have you do things that I don't appreciate.
All right.
Just get on with it.
The 21-year-old virgin.
Yes.
This is a lady who's saying this.
All right?
Because I asked the broads, you know, to quit their fucking whining and write a
goddamn email.
Just read what was written.
I'm trying to make it funny here.
Let me turn you up a little bit there, fucking squeaky.
So, all right, well, I already read this damn thing.
I have to paraphrase now.
Okay?
She says, basically, Nia.
I told her it's not Mia.
Happens all the time.
Makes sense with all the warm, fuzzy feelings.
Look at me.
Don't look at the email.
All right?
But now that she's been in a relationship for 10 years, she kind of understands
that guys
have to come to a point where they realize that they want to be in a
relationship.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
So, telling this guy right out of the gate to just go for the warm, fuzzy might
be the
right thing.
But, I mean, you could send this.
This guy could end up just latching onto the first thing he ever fucking, you
know, bent
over.
Right?
And then all of a sudden he comes out the other side and just realizes, you
know, I wasn't
in love with this girl and all this pussy I could have gotten and then it could
make
him a woman hater.
Oh, give me a break.
That's going to make him a woman hater?
Yeah.
As opposed to what?
But, so, following, wanting to take somebody out and go on dates and stuff and
having it
not work out, that's a worse idea than just going out and just banging a bunch
of chicks.
Because banging a bunch of chicks and just treating them like disposable fuck
toys, that's
not going to make him disregard women.
I'm not saying, I'm not saying.
No, no, it wouldn't do that at all.
No, no, I'm not saying.
I'm crazy.
I'm the crazy one.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Can we turn the sarcasm down a couple of notches?
Nia, first of all, you don't understand how guys are wired.
I do understand how guys are wired.
You don't.
I don't understand how you're fucking wired.
I would never tell you what you're thinking.
You're telling me, like, I'm telling you right now.
I didn't tell, first of all, I didn't tell him how he's wired.
I just said if he had an instinct.
The thing is, you guys are twisting everything that I set up.
All I suggested was, he said, oh, should I take her out to dinner and all this
other stuff
or take her out and, because he was talking about being a nerd and liking, I
don't remember
what he said.
But he said something about wanting to take her out and getting to know her.
And I said, yeah, that's a great idea.
And now it's like, no, it's terrible.
Because he's a boy.
You should tell him just to fuck everybody.
And not take anyone out.
That's not what I'm saying.
Because God forbid he falls in love.
I'm saying this dude, he's in dire straits right now, okay?
If he's 16 fucking years old and he likes a girl, okay.
Dire straits, it's not that serious.
He's only 21 years old.
No, no.
He's up to his fucking neck and I'm never going to get laid in my life, okay?
And the water is swirling down the fucking drain, all right?
So he's desperate right now.
So anybody fucking pays attention to him.
I'm not saying, I just was worried that that's what the fuck he was going to do.
He's going to get sucked into a goddamn relationship.
And there is that thing.
And you know something, Nia?
When people fuck up in life, how often do they actually own up to it themselves?
Like, that was a stupid thing that I did.
They usually don't.
That's how you end up fucking, why he could possibly end up hating women.
Because he's going to blame them.
Not that it's their fault.
It's not this nerdy chick's fault that this guy hasn't gotten laid in 21
fucking years.
You know, it's not her fault, but it'll end up being her fault.
Look, I mean, I'm explaining resentment to you.
You understand resentment.
I don't need to explain that, right?
Yeah, but I think you're also, when people talk about doing stuff like that,
that you're also coming from a place of fear.
And I just don't believe in that.
You know, I can't argue that.
All right, let's go on to the next one.
See that, people?
I establish credibility.
You admit when you're fucking wrong.
I do come from a place of fear.
I know what you bitches is up to.
All right, number two, number two.