Name: Bill Burr&Nia - Advice: Threesome Fantasy
Uploaded: 2011-09-05T23:27:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia - Advice: Threesome Fantasy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia - Advice: Threesome Fantasy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-09-05. Transcript available.

All right, hi Bill. How are you? I'm a big fan out of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
I've been up there. Northland's Coliseum. One of the greatest hockey teams.
I was going to say, I've heard you talk about it in regards to hockey.
Yes.
Edmonton.
Okay, you've got fans up here, so pull a Louis C.K. and come up.
I guess Louis was just up there.
Some good food, some good beer that you no longer drink, and some women that I
feel put Montreal to shame.
Oh, shit.
I like that, huh? I like the ladies.
Okay.
Need some advice, and if you felt like bringing in the lovely Nia lady, then by
all means do so, as a woman's thoughts would be very welcomed.
All right, here we go.
My fiancé from Virginia told me recently that one of her fantasies is a threesome
with another lady.
Thing is, whenever I bring it up, she gets squeamish about it.
I've come across two separate women that have said they're interested in her
and I as a couple, but when it was time to meet, my fiancé pretty much said
she didn't want to.
Once was due to my fiancé being three months pregnant with our firstborn.
Dirtbag.
Born.
You dirtbag.
Hey, hey, we don't judge on the podcast.
Why would you even say, you know, you're not a dirtbag.
That's actually really hilarious.
But how inappropriate would it be to have a, well, I'm sure people have done
worse.
I wonder how that would damage the kid.
What are you talking, damage the kid?
Just how the kid is in there and he can hear, like, you know.
No, they can't.
Oh, boo.
Oh, boo.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, ee, ee, ee.
You know?
What?
Maybe the kid would become a porn star.
You never seen that thing where people read books to the womb?
And the kid comes out and all of a sudden he can do calculus?
You never seen that?
You play music to the kid and he comes out and he's like, fucking Mozart?
Wait a minute.
The baby's not that.
Anyway.
Can we just keep reading?
Just keep reading.
What's it, like a little tadpole in there?
You can't understand anything?
It's not going to be affected by a threesome.
It's actually hilarious that he tried to make it happen during her three months
being pregnant.
That's when the baby looks like a little T-Rex with one of those fucking alien
heads.
All right.
Once it was due to my fiance being three months pregnant with her firstborn and
the second time was because I had a crush on said woman.
Well, Jesus Christ.
Give yourself a dog in the fight, sir.
So what gives?
This guy's a moron.
This guy is a moron.
I don't get what's going on.
What's the problem?
Wow.
She's fond of girl-girl porn when she rubs one out, makes comments when we're
in public about other women being attractive sexually, so she portrays herself
as into them, yet she doesn't pursue her supposed fantasy.
And when I bring it up, she seems put off about the whole thing.
Should I keep trying to make it happen or just throw in the towel?
Oh, yeah, because it's going really good so far.
Hey, hey, hey.
We give people hope during the advice section.
Yeah.
And she's most likely...
She's pursuing it because your methods are obviously amazing.
Oh, good.
She's most likely saying...
Well, if he didn't need help, he wouldn't have wrote in.
And she's most likely saying she's into the three-way to appease me in some
warp-twisted woman way.
Thanks for your advice.
Go fuck yourself.
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
All right, dude.
There's a bunch of stuff going on here.
First of all, yeah, I can't really say that those were attempts when you tried
to have a threesome when your fiancé was three months pregnant with a baby.
And then, secondly, the fact that you're attracted to the other...
You're not attracted.
You had a crush on the other woman.
There's rules to having a fucking threesome.
You can't have feelings for the other woman.
And for the most part, you can't climax with the other one.
That's also a problem.
From what I've heard, I've never had one.
Right.
I never had...
You know what?
Twice in my life, I could have had a threesome when I was younger, but I was
too fucking stupid to realize it was going on.
I just remember seeing that going like, why won't her girlfriend leave?
I'm trying to get laid here.
Then another time, I was working in Buffalo, and these girls just put it on the
table.
They put it on the table.
They basically said, we're like a coalition.
I remember they used that word.
And one was hot, and the other one looked like a three-story brownstone.
She was a fuck...
She was like a building.
She was a grenade, as they say on the Jersey Shore.
No, she was like 6'3".
There was a guy who used to play for fucking the Portland Trailblazers, Duckworth.
That's what she looked like with a vagina.
And I was just like, you know, I never had...
You know what?
I never had that ability.
I never had that ability to just bang something that I wasn't attracted to.
It was just always disgusting to me.
So there you go.
So from what I've heard, sir, I am not speaking from a place of experience here,
but I will
tell you this.
If you're going to have a fucking threesome, I wouldn't do it with someone who
you're in
a relationship with.
I don't think the relationship is ever the fucking same.
And I don't know.
It's just a weird thing.
Well, I think the issue that he's having with his wife now?
Fiance.
Whatever.
He's just marrying her because he knocked her up.
Jesus.
Is that she talks about wanting to be with women, but is not acting on it.
But a lot of times, you know, people have these sexual fantasies and they're
just meant
to be fantasies.
Yeah.
They're not really necessarily going to be a reality.
Like, just because you, you know, in your mind's eye, we're like, ooh, that
would be
interesting.
Doesn't mean you're actually going to go through it.
Like a lot of women have the gangbang fantasy.
That doesn't mean they're going to go into a fucking loading dock and lay down
and be
like, who wants it?
Right.
Sorry.
I have male listeners.
I have to get to the point here.
Sure.
You have female listeners, too, you know.
Yeah.
So that doesn't necessarily mean that she's actually going to want to do it.
And your methods of trying to go about it are just so off the mark.
It's like laughable.
All right.
Well, you know, let's say I wanted to have a threesome with you.
All right.
Yeah.
Which I do.
No, I don't.
I do in my head, but I don't.
I don't want to do it because it's going to fuck everything up.
You really think so?
Yes.
It's going to be fucking weird.
It's going to be weird.
You know what it is, Nia?
You fucking, you cross too many, you open too many Pandora's box, whatever the
fucking
expression is.
You never come back.
You don't come back.
Yeah.
And it's like, you have to start over again.
You'd have to, I don't know.
You know, it's like we were talking about Madonna.
Remember Madonna when they were playing, like, that was another thing too to
add to the gayness
of that bar.
They were playing Madonna videos.
And you were talking about her getting fucking divorced.
Yeah.
I was saying.
And her taste in men.
Yeah.
How she likes those.
What did you say?
I was saying, like, when she wants a husband, she goes for, like, the alpha
male white guy.
Right.
You know, usually very, like, a macho, strong man.
Right.
But then when she has her lovers, that's when she has a 20-something-year-old
Latino boy
that no one's ever heard of.
That's like her little boy toy.
So here's the thing.
This girl is sold out fucking Madison Square Garden.
She's already done the fucking astronaut tour.
You know, the astronauts, they go around the fucking world, they see how
beautiful it is,
and then they start crying at a stoplight.
You know, they've just seen too much.
It's the same thing with her.
She's seen too much.
So there's no way she's ever going to be able to keep a marriage going.
Because at any moment, she has to sit there and be unselfish and listen to this
fucking
square-headed white guy that she likes.
She wants to do whatever she wants.
She likes square-headed white guys, right?
So as the guy's going like, you're not fucking giving me what I need.
At any moment, she can pull the ripcord, still sell out Madison Square Garden,
and then
go bang some fucking stud fetish guy.
If I had those options, Nia, you think I'd be listening to you?
Oh, shut up.
If at any point I could go in and fucking trade your ass in for some fucking 22-year-old
and just start blowing me immediately, I'd be out of here in a second.
Yeah, right.
I'd like to see you try it.
Anyway, yeah.
That was some of the worst shit-talking I've ever heard.
Yeah, see?
I'd like to see you try it.
Why I ought to.
Yeah, why don't you let your, back to your.
Why don't you stop having a jerk tone to this guy and help him out?
Back to your listener.
I was, well, I was going to say, why don't you let your, the person that you're
in the
relationship with, why don't you let her lead the way on this?
Because now you're just becoming like that guy that's putting all this, this
pressure
on her.
Just let her, just let her open the door to it if she wants to.
If not, leave it alone.
There's no need to keep pushing it.
This is what you do.
This is what you do.
Why is that bad advice again?
Because you don't know what you're talking about.
Yes, I do know what I'm talking about.
No, you don't.
A lot of people value my advice.
Here's the, I have self-esteem and I like myself.
That's right.
All right.
This is the deal.
All right.
Fuck this.
You want this to happen, sir.
This is what you got to do.
All right.
If you will, if you listen to Nia and you let her lead the way, it's never
going to happen.
Okay.
Because she's not going to act on it.
The next time you find someone who finds you guys attractive as a couple, do
not tell your
fucking fiance about it.
All right.
You tell the girl that's into it, listen, you got to fucking make it look
natural, sort
of coerce her into it and that type of thing.
You just make it seem like it's natural.
Oh, yeah.
Coercion is great.
You go up to the bar and then you just make it seem like it happened naturally
and then
you never tell her the fucking secret and then that's it.
That's how you do it because she's not going to take the lead and this guy is
all fucking
knees and elbows.
She was pregnant and I had a crush on the other girl.
What gives?
Yeah.
No, just the next time that there's a girl that's fucking interested in you as
a couple,
don't tell your wife about it and then go up there and just have her fucking
strike
up a conversation and just say, listen, do not flirt with me at all.
Just flirt with her and get her fucking motor running and then maybe it'll go
down.
And then what you want to do is try to start the kissing there at the bar.
It's actually not bad advice.
Thank you.
Thank you.
See, that's how you do it because I'm telling you, it's not going to happen.
She's like, I like it, but I get scared.
It's not going to happen.
So you got to make it seem like it's natural.
Yeah.
That's how you do it.
You got to get sneaky there, sir.
That's what I just advocated.
Fair enough.
Fair enough.
Look at that, huh?
Every once in a while, she agrees with me.
Ha ha ha.