Name: Bill Burr - Gay Marriage
Uploaded: 2011-09-27T17:44:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Gay Marriage' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-09-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Gay Marriage' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-09-27. Transcript available.

I had a paper route. Yes, I did. I still rode a bicycle.
Just let me paint a picture for you, okay?
Big reddish-orange afro riding a beach rambler with white wall tires.
This big Pee Wee Herman bike with white wall tires.
Fucking insanely giant tires.
Like, if you went fast enough and slammed on the brakes, it sounded like a car.
It went...
People thought it was the shit.
No, they didn't. Nobody liked me, right?
So anyways, I had paper route money, people.
I had been doing the paper route.
From third grade to freshman year in high school, I got up every fucking
morning.
Because there's no day off with papers.
Have you noticed that?
Even on Christmas, when you wake up, right?
You walk by your children and that woman that you married.
And you got your robe on, you know?
Tied nice and tight so your fucking Hogan doesn't spill.
It's a holiday.
Put your junk away, Dad.
What the fuck, right?
And you walk to the front door.
There's the paper.
Well, how do you think it got there?
Well, nowadays, it's probably thrown there from a car, out a car window by a 40-year-old.
All right?
But when I was young, all right?
It was still delivered by children.
Yeah, it was great.
Back then, they had paper boys.
Then the broads had to come along.
Well, what about paper girls?
Why can't we do that awful job?
You know?
Typical fucking broads.
Oh, this is early.
Am I already going to say that?
Six minutes in.
Let me tell you something about these fucking ladies.
You know, funny thing about feminism is they said that sometimes you just, you
got to really look, you got to really examine what you're asking for.
It's kind of like gay people pushing for the right to get married.
It's like, do they have any fucking idea what they're signing up for?
You know, they're so wrapped up in being treated the exact same way as heterosexuals,
which they should be, right?
I'm not giving you a rough time there, twickle toes.
You should be.
Okay?
But there are some advantages of being gay.
One of them is you don't have to get married.
You can have a life partner, right?
And at no point in the relationship can the dude sit there, right?
He's got his head on your shoulder playing with your chest hair.
You know, and you can just feel the sadness of his head.
And then you go, what's the matter, Scott?
You don't, you don't.
I don't know why Scott struck me as funny.
What's the matter, Scott?
You don't seem like your normal self.
And he can be like, where is this relationship going?
And then you're in that.
Then you're in that.
And then you got to get married.
And you got to put all your shit on the line, right?
Well, let me ask you this, gay guys.
What if Scott is a fucking bum?
What if he sucks at math?
What if he's not an earner?
You ever think about that?
During your parades?
Have you ever thought about that?
What if he's a fucking loser?
Loser?
Huh?
Then what?
And then three years later, you're under a lot of stress because you got to
fucking support his ass too.
You don't have time to go to the gym and keep your abs all in shape, right?
And all of a sudden you get a little doughy.
A little doughy, right?
He's a guy.
He totally judges people by how they look in a tight shirt, right?
He fucking walks out on you.
Walks out on you, takes half your shit, and now you got to pay alimony for a
goddamn man.
Ah, did you ever think about that?
Well, you should.
All right?
Don't fucking do it.
Why?
Why?
You know?
Oh, that would be great.
Do you guys have common law marriage?
Or do they not even recognize that because you're both either women or both
guys?
I mean, the fucking advantages of that.
It's just, it's incredible.
You know, it's almost worth the rejection, wouldn't you say?
Oh, whatever.
Go fuck yourselves.