Name: Bill Burr - Fat Guy Feng Shui
Uploaded: 2011-09-27T17:50:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Fat Guy Feng Shui' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-09-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Fat Guy Feng Shui' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-09-27. Transcript available.

all right let's let's get on to fat guy feng shui hey all right bill i wanted
to let you know
fat people hate fat people too i wanted to send you some thoughts not too many
from a considerate
citizen of fat america yeah i've noticed this since i went off on the fat guy
on the on the
airplane uh i've i've had fat people and just tall people in general go i try
to be real considerate
of how big i am i try to make sure i get an aisle seat i lean out in the aisle
you shouldn't have to deal with that and then actually you know what's great
about this
now i can't really make fun of fatties anymore knowing that so many of them
are they seem like decent people how fucking what kind of a backhanded
compliment was that you know
i thought they were all pieces of shit but it turns out uh most of them uh most
of them all right
all right here we go he says i'm a big fat guy i'm usually the fattest guy in
the room no matter where
i go uh do you get intimidated when when you're not the fattest guy you know
sort of like the toughest
guy in town all of a sudden goes to another town realizes that somebody can
kick his ass
and his whole world crumbles um anyways he says my whole family's fat and i've
been fat since i've
been born uh not to make any excuses i'm just naturally predisposed to it and i
eat like a typical
middle american uh middle american not vegetarian but not 24 7 beer and brats
either anyway i'm fat and
i just wanted to let you know that no not all of us fatties are inconsiderate
assholes the stereotype
of the jolly fat man has been replaced by the selfish asshole who's fat uh when
i fly which isn't
infrequently i buy two seats nice my sister is with me we buy a row of three
and always bring along our
own seat belt extenders yes they sell them okay this is uh this is hilarious
and fucking sad all at the
same time uh the plane only carries two to three extenders and you never want
to be the guy who holds
up the plane because you can't buckle or worse get kicked off ah jesus that's
got to be embarrassing
oh my god oh this is this guy's killing me right here this guy is this is a
brilliant email
he's gonna make me never make fun of fatties again i'm actually he's now i i'm
he's bringing me into
their world he goes those things cost eighty dollars but it's worth eighty
dollars to avoid public
embarrassment right absolutely if they told me to tone down the color of my
hair i would buy a
fucking swimming cap rather than have them stop the flight um just so you know
fat people like me
don't get to buy clothes in the same stores as normal people yes i did know
that the selection
slash styles suck and they cost more we pay more for bigger cars extra plane
tickets and bigger clothes
among other things i haven't done the math but i figure we burn through through
furniture faster too
it's the price we pay for the life we lead even if it's not a conscious choice
believe me
no one wants to be fat but that's the cost of doing business this guy's fucking
hilarious
just like how they are added there are added costs to being a woman bras makeup
pills etc or gay or being
gay he writes question mark chaps lube i don't know or a parent or a paraplegic
or whatever not that it's
a disability uh it's just our lot in life but you know what i've accepted it i
live my life accordingly
i'm not an asshole who imposes on others i stay to the back of any pack make
sure no one will ever
have to walk or sit behind me when i can help it it's the fat guy feng shui how
do you how do you
dislike this guy when i enter a room or a situation i always ask where do i fit
in literally and figuratively
whenever i have to eat lunch with my work group about 20 people and we're
seated at a long table
i never sit between the table and the wall and i usually sit at the end know
why i don't want i want
to make as few people uncomfortable as possible uh i don't want anyone to have
to squeeze behind me to
get out and sitting between two people just pisses them both off or so i assume
jesus christ this guy's
like a fat gandhi um when i have to carpool with a group it helps to drive or
have shotgun because
then i'm not squeezing the other people in the back seat the thing that makes
me hate fat people
capital letters hate fat people is that they don't seem to realize that they're
fat they are impulsive
and selfish and don't seem to consider that what a normal guy eats that when a
normal guy eats a giant
turkey leg at disneyland it's a it's a lame and kind of funny oh it's lame and
kind of funny but
when a fat guy does it it's disgusting or maybe they just got fat and haven't
figured it out hey fatty
don't sit there because now everyone has to squeeze past you i like this guy he's
trashing fat people
now or hey don't act like you're entitled to that to put your arm around your
airplane seat mate
because it makes you more comfortable for you makes it more comfortable for you
you
asshole he just keeps going here or hey if you got to eat in public don't smear
barbecue sauce all
over your face at the church picnic or eat more than two donuts in a sitting
parentheses airport
and you know what when i swim in public rarely i keep my shirt on until the
second before i get in
the pool i don't ride the elevator from my hotel room and walk down the hall to
the hampton inn pool
shirtless because i'm a fat fuck and no one wants to see that i used to swim
with my shirt on but
somehow that's even worse uh anyways for what it's worth have a good week
thanks for the hilarity ah you
know what that guy's all right you know what i bet there's more fat people like
that than there's not
so maybe i ought to lay off the fatties for half a second i'm just doing this
just to fucking
you know this is what this podcast is it's like a smoker and every once in a
while you just you gotta
you gotta i don't even know what you gotta do you gotta throw a little wet wood
in there
that's what that was i think i'm gonna leave the fatties alone i think they're
actually really
considerate people i think i was wrong about it the entire time see that now i'm
gonna wait for the backlash