Name: Bill Burr - Socialite Whores And Why God Kills You
Uploaded: 2011-10-11T16:27:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Socialite Whores And Why God Kills You' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-10-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Socialite Whores And Why God Kills You' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-10-11. Transcript available.

you know socialites are famous in France
oh what the fuck no no not socialites what the fuck are they
just people who are smart and want to comment on shit what do you call those
people what's a socialite you know what a socialite is
that's some fucking whore who was good looking right and when she was done
blowing her fucking math teacher so she could graduate
she went out and fucking married a guy who was in his 50s who was going to be
some sort of senator that's what a socialite is right
oh I know you're that haughty who bangs that guy who's fucking
30 years older than you and then you guys got married
had a couple of kids right that's you you're a fucking socialite
now you're gonna walk around and pick out the drapes
at the fucking White House oh yeah
what do you think about global warming
oh go fucking blow some because you're a whore
oh what you're not really so you're telling me that old fucking debt oh let
me finish let me finish you're telling me well of course you're not gonna let
me
finish cuz you know what I'm gonna say and you know I'm right
ah with the tears stop it how old are you
you're letting your best years go by okay
and you're cashing in love to be in this old dusty fucking mansion here on
Pennsylvania Avenue
isn't that what you're doing here so you can do what get a nice pair of shoes
what do you think about when you go down on that old man how do you block out
those salt and pepper pubes
just coming at you like you're in
watching fucking pubic avatar how do you do that lady lady how do you do that
okay I'm trying to help I know you think I'm crass
I don't give a fuck the world rejected my sperm lady
okay well that means you should listen to me
you should listen to me cuz I'm gonna tell you the fucking truth
I got nothing to lose
I don't wait do you have you even considered blowing me since I first walked in
here
except well that's what I'm saying
that's what I'm saying okay
you need to fucking dump this guy
and you need to go back and talk to that fucking
guy you went to high school with who now works down at the mobile station and
goes would you lock me check your oil
not trying to intrude in your life but I think you need some more wiper blades
that guy made your heart go pitter-patter
fucking socialite
you put your pussy on the table to live in an old house
just as long as everybody watched
the fuck is wrong with you
that's what a socialite is everybody
how'd you like that little vignette
that was kind of nice wasn't it
it's like a little soap opera
except nobody died and came back
yeah once you figure out life God kills you
that's basically what happens
you know
happens to all my
Stevie Ray Vaughan figured out life
you know he fucking
he got sober
he's telling everybody else to get sober
and he starts singing about little baby's laughter
right
all of a sudden he figured it out
God's like alright
he passed the test
time to go up to fucking utopia
that's what I think happens
you know
and you know what the great thing about that theory is
is there's at least 9 million examples
of why it isn't true
and right there
that makes a Bill Burr theory
fucking airtight
just for the simple fact that I love to argue
but doesn't it seem like that
Sam Kinison
figured it out
got sober
was fucking doing the right thing
I'm not doing drugs
I'm fucking doing my shit
and God was just like
alright
you figured it out
come on in
so you know something
all this shit that I've talked about religion
maybe that's why I keep fucking my life up
cause I know the day
I figure it out
I got a safe
is gonna land on my head
although my head's so big
I think I could
he'd have to drop two of them
he'd have to do those
he'd have to drop one of those safes
you know the ones that you can like
walk into
oh you can't even tell me
that you don't
why don't you want to own one of those
and have those in your house
behind your desk
just one of those ones
you know
where you fucking turn the handle down
and it opens up like the double doors
like one of those big old houses
that those socialite whores live in
and this is the foyer
right
and all our resentful slut friends
are showing up
going
why did I blow a senator
why did I choose love
right
and then they start fucking resenting
their fucking
socialite girlfriend
they start looking at their fucking
guy that they truly love
who opened a hardware store
and they start resenting him
and they start skipping around town
with some J.R. Ewing guy
right
and then they blow up the whole marriage
they marry the fucking guy
and they
they
they get some old fucking house
that some slave owner used to be in
and it's considered a great man
cause his name is on the fucking declaration
of independence
right
and they start blowing that guy
salt and pepper pews
bang
bang
bang
bang
coming against them
right
and then one day
they finally
they just
they gotta booze
they gotta numb themselves up
and then one day
they realize
this is bullshit
then they go back
to their other boyfriend
or husband
or whatever
I was so wrong
I choose
I chose
money and salt and pepper pubes
over my true love for you
right
and the second you get back together
I love you
I love you too
you me and this
El Camino
that's all I fucking need
and then what happens
fucking train comes by
kills them both
everybody says it's a tragedy
no
you fucking figured it out
you figure out life
you die