Name: Bill Burr Advice - Asshole Friend
Uploaded: 2011-10-11T16:40:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Asshole Friend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-10-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Asshole Friend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-10-11. Transcript available.

Fellow redhead who happens to be short. Two drawbacks to getting laid with the
question.
Dude, what has happened to fucking redheads with their self-esteem?
If you're a fucking guy, you can look like a troll.
As long as you're funny, you got some charisma, you got a little bit of money.
If you're doing shit in life, okay?
Let me tell you something. If you're a fuck...
I don't even want to do it that way because it's too mean.
I was going to flip it there. I'm not going to do that.
I was going to say, like, looks. Guys give a fuck about looks.
Women want security. They don't want you to be a fucking mess.
But I'm telling you, there becomes a point where you can offer such security
that you're going to get a hearty.
All right? So stop being a bunch of pussies dragging me down with you,
you fucking assholes.
Jesus Christ, there's people born without fucking legs.
You know? You hear them bitching?
Oh, I can't get a tan. No one's going to want to fuck me.
All right. Let's plow ahead here.
Bill, at what point do you tell your asshole friend to go fuck himself?
Oh, I love this question.
He says, is there a way to make it permanent without seeming like the bigger
asshole?
I hate not addressing issues directly and like the clean break.
Oh, and I like the clean break.
Like telling an ex-girlfriend, you are a whore.
Now kindly leave the premises.
However, telling my friend who has grown into a sanctimonious, holier-than-thou,
ultra-liberal douche that he's not worth my time on this planet
will potentially make my social life difficult since we are in the same circle
of friends.
Isn't this stuff, this is one of the most fascinating things about male
relationships
that a lot of people don't talk about is when you have an unhealthy one with
one of your friends
and you literally have to break it off like you're breaking up with a chick,
which makes it even more awkward because then it feels like kind of gay on some
level.
And most guys, you know, they were just not good with like, you know,
sitting down and discussing feelings.
Like, I don't feel good about myself when I'm around you.
I can't say that.
You gotta be like, dude, you're a fucking dick.
Go fuck yourself.
That's basically the level of it.
So I kind of know what this guy's going through.
Hey, Bill, I got an idea.
Why don't you shut the fuck up, read the rest of the letter,
and let this guy tell us what he's going through.
Okay, that's a good point.
However, telling my friend who has grown into a sanctimonious blah, blah, blah,
I said that the other friends that I share with this guy do not see this side
of him.
You're really sounding like a battered wife right now.
Like what?
He slaps you around verbally and then you guys go out in public as you stare at
the floor
and everybody thinks he's, what, the greatest guy ever and you're just shy.
This is getting kind of sad.
Anyways, he goes, he hides it except when I'm just hanging out with him at the
bar.
This is kind of making you sound like a psycho.
To put this into perspective here, some examples of the douchebaggery,
the fact that you used douchebaggery just redeemed you, that I see from him.
One, random Joe Sixpack throws his cigarette onto the street.
My douchebag friend will go out of his way to pick the cigarette butt up
and tell Joe Sixpack, hey, you dropped something, asshole,
and proceed to bitch and moan like the cunt he is even though the fucker, my
friend, drives a Hummer.
Yeah, but the Hummer, you know, it's not leaking oil all over the place.
There's nothing wrong with driving a Hummer.
There really isn't.
There's just too many people doing it.
It's the population.
It's not the cars.
All right?
I used to do a joke about that.
If there was eight people on the fucking planet, we could all drive tanks.
Number two, politics.
His opinion is right.
Everyone else is stupid.
Oh, number two that he hates.
On politics.
His opinion is right.
Everyone else is stupid and wrong.
Done.
End of story.
Number three, he tells really bad jokes that do not make sense or have context,
which he then proceeds to laugh uproariously at.
Four, gives unwanted advice regarding my job that he has never done,
has no knowledge of, and still assumes my 13 years of experience are of no
value
because of an article he once read in Forbes magazine.
Five, cheats on his girlfriend and justifies it by saying,
she just sucked my dick.
I mean, that's it.
So, he says, what do you do?
I'm leaning towards the go fuck yourself and leave me be approach
and let my friends see what an egomaniac this guy is.
Thoughts on if it's better, if there's a better way.
Thanks.
Oh, Jesus.
You said something up here earlier that kind of stuck out.
Is there a way to make it permanent without seeming like the bigger asshole?
Yeah.
There's a way to do that.
And the way to do it is when you tell this guy to fuck off is you don't tell
him to fuck off.
You just lay it on the line.
You just say, listen, you know, your opinions on politics are just, it's overbearing.
You know, you're screaming at people.
You know, I don't know this guy enough to put it eloquently.
I don't know, the worst thing to do is just be like, dude, I think you're a douche,
go fuck yourself.
Then you will seem like an asshole.
You know, I don't even know how to do this.
I had a situation like this a long time ago.
There was a friend of mine, he was just a fucking, he just kept smoking weed.
Kept smoking weed, every fucking, this wasn't guy, you know, smoke weed,
whatever,
and then fucking showed up to work on time.
This guy went to work high and fucked up.
Okay?
Just like an Elkie.
You know, you can have a couple, you know, you can get drunk on the weekends,
but, you know, Monday through Friday, you're stone sober.
I don't think you have a drinking problem.
You just like to drink.
Same thing with weed.
You know, after work, you fucking take a couple of tokes,
you giggle at the fucking news, you go to sleep, who gives a shit, right?
But when it starts fucking with your life and you start flunking drug tests
and you start losing jobs, you know,
and your wife's threatening to leave you, right?
That type of shit.
I don't know, what did I end up doing?
I just kind of stopped returning calls is what I did,
which is probably, I don't know, like a pussy way.
You know what it was is I was so angry at the dude
that I knew that if we actually had the discussion,
I was going to say something really fucked up.
So that's how I handled it because I have a ridiculous temper.
And one of the things about having a temper
is that a lot of times what it is is as,
see, all this shit is happening to you.
He's doing all this shit.
And are you calling him out on any of it?
I mean, if you're already still a cunt,
then this guy's one of the biggest cunts ever.
But like sometimes like somebody's doing something
and that annoys you and you don't bring it up.
And when you don't bring it up,
then when they start to do something else
that wouldn't really have annoyed you,
you're already, you know,
it's like someone just slapped you in the side of the face
so your face is already stinging.
And then they slap you again.
It's going to hurt even more.
So it starts to exaggerate everything that they're doing.
You literally sound like some fucking chick in a relationship
who wants to hit her fucking husband
in the back of the head with a frying pan
and he has no clue.
No idea.
So, yeah, this guy sounds like a dick.
He definitely sounds like a dick.
You know what I would do with this guy?
I'd just stop hanging out with him.
Hey, what are you doing today?
Are you doing...
Nah, I'm busy.
That's kind of passive aggressive.
Maybe just tell him.
Just say, listen, dude,
I don't know what it is about you,
but I just really don't like you anymore.
I just don't.
You're a dick, you know?
You fuck around on your girlfriend?
Good for you.
Go fuck around on her.
Why do you got to drag me into it?
Why do I have to know about it?
Now I look at your fucking girlfriend shows up.
Now I got to figure out like
which part of her face I'm going to stare at
instead of looking her in the eye.
You're dragging me into it.
You know?
You're telling me how to do my job?
You're a moron.
You don't know what you're talking about.
All your bullshit.
You're just fucking annoying.
Yeah, why do you care, dude?
You don't even like this guy.
You know what's weird?
That whole situation just really made me uncomfortable.
You know?
I've definitely had like fallen outs with people,
but I've never like literally sat down as a guy
and broke up with another guy.
Because that's literally what you're doing.
Listen.
Listen.
Harry, I don't want to see you anymore.
This relationship isn't working out for me.
That's basically what you're saying.
This is hilarious.
This is a really like sex in the city moment here.
It's not working out for you.
You're not.
Your needs aren't being met.
He doesn't look you in the eye anymore with tenderness
when he asks you what you want
when he's going up to buy a round of beers.
Yeah.
See, like this.
This is like something that guys were...
I don't know if it's not socially acceptable.
Why is it making me so uncomfortable to even talk about this?
You know what?
Forget everything I said.
I think that the way guys do it is the way you should do it.
Just say, listen.
You know what?
You're a fucking dick.
You're a dick.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
And that's it.
You have a big fight with him.
And then, you know,
when he calls you,
don't not take his calls.
Just pick up the phone.
Yeah.
Hey, what's up?
Listen.
Yeah, it sounds like fun,
but you know what?
I still think you're a dick.
Tell you what.
I'll call you
when I don't think you're a douchebag anymore.
How about that?
Oh, you're going to yell at me now?
Well, this is the greatest thing about
being on the phone with a douche.
Click.
And that's it.
How about that?
Jesus, it only took me 10 minutes.
You know what's funny?
I make it fun of you,
but I know what that's like.
Like being friends with a guy like that.
A guy like that is funny in your college years,
but as you get older,
considering you said you had a job
for 13 years doing something,
even if you're right out of high school,
18 years,
you're in your 30s.
So a guy like this,
you can't hang out with a guy like that anymore.
Yeah, he's a fucking loser.
And being a loser is contagious.
The same way being successful is.
If you hang out with successful people,
you know, you get dragged up.
If you hang out with fucking losers,
they're a goddamn anchor around your neck.
And they drag you down to the bottom.