Name: Bill Burr - Cotton Bowl Texas VS Oklahoma 2011
Uploaded: 2011-10-11T17:23:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Cotton Bowl Texas VS Oklahoma 2011' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-10-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Cotton Bowl Texas VS Oklahoma 2011' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-10-11. Transcript available.

I had a fucking, oh, you know what?
I went to the Cotton Bowl.
I went, come on, Casey, yeah, come on, Froggs.
I went out there to the, I almost forgot to talk about this,
the UT Oklahoma game.
It was fucking unbelievable, even though it was a total blowout
and Oklahoma kicked the shit out of the University of Texas.
It's fucking unbelievable, okay?
And I'm going to tell you right now, sports fans on the East Coast,
and by the East Coast, I mean north of Washington, D.C.
All you motherfuckers out there, like myself, who look down on college sports
because college sports, for the most part, basically suck in the New York area,
Boston area, Philly, there's nobody good there every once in a while.
Maybe in the 80s, St. John's, Villanova, the basketball teams were good, right?
Boston College Eagles with Doug Flutie.
We've had our moments, but in general, even like our stadiums,
they're just little fucking things out there, you know?
I think even if you go to a BC Eagle game, you can still see the dorm rooms
in the parking lot.
That's when you know, like, you're watching a less than prolific fucking
college program
is when they line up for the field goal, and you're just watching, like, you
know,
like a freeway and some tractor trailers going by.
There's always, like, grass.
Or if part of your stadium is lawn seats, I think that's when you know.
But anyways, East Coast fans of football, you owe it to yourself at some point.
Just pick one of those games.
Go to Michigan, Ohio State.
Go to Oklahoma University of Texas.
Go to LSU, Alabama.
LSU, Florida.
Go down to the swamp.
Go to a Florida Gators game.
Go to one of those big-ass fucking gangs.
Put some money on the game.
And I'm telling you, it's absolutely insane.
And we went to it, and it was incredible.
What was driving me nuts was this one guy behind me.
I swear to God, no matter.
It's almost like going to the movies.
Like, there's always going to be one loud person behind you.
Do you know that shit they do in college football?
Like, when they go to kick the ball off, or, like, it's a critical part in the
game,
and the away team has the ball, and you don't want them to be able to hear the
snap count.
So the whole crowd's just going, oh, just yelling.
Right?
There was only one guy in my section doing that, and he was right behind me.
And I got to give it to this guy.
He did it for the entire half, any time Oklahoma had the ball.
I mean, I'm talking, like, as they were calling the play-in.
They're calling the play-in.
They're doing hand signals.
And this guy's trying to out-yell hand signals.
He's just going, ah, ah, ah, ah, just screaming for an entire fucking half.
And I'm there with Verzi, and at one point, at first, I just look over at Verzi,
and we both just start laughing, just going, ah, this is just funny.
This guy's really into it.
Thinking, there's no way that this guy is going to be able to keep this pace up.
It's like watching Lance Armstrong back in the day when he was winning all his
Tour de France.
It's like, there's no way he's going to be able to continue riding this bicycle
30 miles an hour
up this fucking mountain.
And he always did.
And those little Frenchies would come over, right?
They'd make him pee in a Dixie cup.
And then, suck of the blue, they couldn't find anything.
This guy, I had to change my seat.
It was fucking unbelievable.
And he was, like, leaning down.
Ah!
Okay?
That was just when they were calling the play-in.
And then the guy would walk, the quarterback would walk up to the line of scrimmage,
and then he'd just go up another octave.
Ah!
Screaming in my fucking ear.
And I'm standing there, right?
I already have, like, it's like this Texas sun is beating down on me.
I'm wide open, so I got, like, I got sunblock 50 on.
I got this big hat on.
Just looking like the fucking genetically compromised jackass that I am.
And now I got this guy, ah!
Screaming in my ear.
And I got one finger in, like, my right ear, because that's the side he's
screaming on.
I look like a little old lady watching this football game.
And this is one of the best things about the Cotton Bowl.
When you go to that game, you know, it's a neutral site.
University of Texas is out of Austin and Oklahoma's Norman, Oklahoma, I think.
And they're such psychos.
They had to have it at a neutral site.
And this is how they split up the stadium.
Rather than having one side's Oklahoma, the other side is University of Texas.
They split it at the 50-yard line.
It's the coolest fucking thing ever.
So they split it that way.
So basically, if you're playing in that game, when you're listening to the
crowd, you could start a drive and feel like you're at a home game.
And then you're driving down into the teeth of it, where the whole other side
is the opposite team's fans.
And now, all of a sudden, you feel like you're in a road game.
And that's what it makes.
That was the best thing about scoring a fucking touchdown.
It's either you were running out of enemy territory into the joy of everybody
going crazy, welcoming you home like a fucking war hero.
Or, even better, people are cheering you on, and you just ran into the enemy's
fucking front lines, and you just silence all of them.
And all of them, I noticed that.
It was pretty much Oklahoma the whole goddamn day when they would score
touchdowns down in the UT, and they would just stand there staring at the crowd,
nodding their head.
I got to tell you, we saw one of the fucking most insane things ever.
It was at the beginning of the game.
They had Oklahoma comes out first.
You know, they come running out, and everybody's going crazy.
I was disappointed they didn't bring the chuck wagon.
You know?
But, and we're just sitting, everybody's going nuts, right?
The guy behind me is already screaming,
Ah!
Right?
Fuck all you!
Fuck all you!
Ah!
Make some noise!
Make some noise!
Kept yelling that shit, right?
And then fucking, when Texas came running out, like five guys on the Sooners
came running right up to them and ran along with them.
Like doing that, you know, that shit that athletes can do where they're like
galloping sideways faster than you could drive a fucking Prius or my car, right?
They're doing that, and they're just nodding their heads, talking shit.
Then the UT players start looking at them.
They started talking shit.
Dude, I got the fucking chills.
I felt like I was going to play.
I'm like, this game is going to be, these guys are going to kill each other.
They hate each other.
That guy behind me, Ah!
I'm like, this is going to be fucking awesome.
And then after like a quarter and a half, like UT, fucking Oklahoma, it was
like fucking 35 to 3 or something.
And all the Texas people were fucking bummed out.
Half the stadium is sitting down.
And then the other side is going crazy.
And it's not like they're on the other side of the field.
We were sitting close to the 50, so Oklahoma fans were like right next to us,
just laughing, screaming at us.
I just say us because I was like, whatever section I'm sitting in, I'm rooting
for.
Because I don't want to be a dick, right?
There's no reason for me to take shit for no fucking reason.
So they're up like, I swear to God, it was like 35, maybe like 10, 35 to 10.
And all the Texas people just had the winds taken out of their sails.
Oh man, this is just making me sick.
It's making me fucking sick.
Everybody, except for this one guy behind me.
He's still, now it's dead silence in our fucking section, except for this one
guy.
He was focused.
Unbelievable fan.
I got to give that guy five stars as a fan.
But this is the funny thing though, is at halftime he left.
He just said, fuck it.
You know, but he definitely put his time in.
But that's how bad the beat down was.
But I got to tell you, I have not getting a sunburn down as a redhead.
I went and I bought a, I bought one of those t-shirts that had both the helmets
on it just
as a souvenir.
And, you know, the sun was on the left side of me.
So I just adjust my hat.
I just take that souvenir fucking t-shirt and I just drape it over, had it on
my neck and
then down, down my right arm, my left arm.
And then this fucking guy behind me just starts giving me shit.
He's like, buddy, it ain't going to matter.
You're going to burn up.
And I'm like, no, it isn't.
I go, he goes, yeah, you will, man.
I go, listen, I go, fuck, I've been a redhead my whole life.
He's like, you've been a redhead your whole life?
I could kick, kick, kick, kick.
Like he thought it was funny.
I'm telling you, I have it down.
This guy actually, one of the funniest things somebody said to me because this
guy came by,
he goes, if Oklahoma keeps scoring, you're going to have to dye your beard.
If you're not a college football fan, my beard is the same color just about as
the fucking
jerseys of Texas.
I don't know.
It was a fucking awesome time and it was, as a sports fan, it was an honor and
a fucking
privilege to go see those two unbelievable programs.
Even though, you know, Texas is rebuilding.
It's fucking awesome.
I totally underrated, underrated professional football.
When you can go there and see a game like that, even though it was a fucking
blowout,
just the tradition, 110-year rivalry, I got to parachute in and sit there and
be a part
of that and to see it at that legendary stadium, the Cotton Bowl, which I
actually read a little
bit up on, not to bore non-sports fans, but what's amazing was they said it's
the house
that Duke built, which was the name of some guy who played for the SMU Mustangs
who got
the death penalty, one of the best 30 for 30s I ever saw.
In fact, I went to get an SMU Mustang shirt.
I couldn't find one in my size that I liked.
I wanted that Mustang horse and just for it to say SMU, but you know, all the
shirts are
so fucking, everything looks like an affliction shirt to me nowadays.
But anyways, this guy, Duke something or other, played for the SMU Mustangs,
was such a badass
and he blew up their program that they actually made the Cotton Bowl and that's
what SMU played.
And then they moved on to the old Dallas Cowboys Stadium.
They actually played in a professional sports stadium and then they got busted
for doing
basically what every other major program was doing in Texas.
They got the death penalty and now they're back at their, they just play at
their campus now.
They got this stadium, which is actually a really nice stadium, but it's only
like a 40,000
seater.
And I didn't realize that SMU, I just thought that that was one of those, let's
fuck it.
I don't want to go in the real world.
I'll go, I'll go to fucking college.
I'll go to SMU.
I kind of judged that school by their football, their football program.
But evidently that's like a really ritzy school and that type of shit.
I don't know.
I'm totally into it.
So I think the next, next year when I come out to Dallas, I'm going to go out
there and
catch a, an SMU game at that little stadium.
It just looked cool as hell.
Maybe I'll get them when they, when they're playing TCU, if it actually happens,
if TCU doesn't
go to the big 12.
The fuck am I talking about here?
hour and two minutes in all of a sudden I'm fucking Kurt Herbstreet here