Name: Bill Burr - European Tour Recap
Uploaded: 2011-10-26T09:39:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - European Tour Recap' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-10-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - European Tour Recap' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-10-26. Transcript available.

I was actually flying back from Stockholm, Sweden yesterday, and I went from
Stockholm, had to fly to Zurich, which is in Switzerland, and board the plane
there, and then it was a 12-hour fucking flight all the way back to L.A., and
you'd think they'd just go a straight shot right across the ocean.
That's not how they do it, you know, because the earth is shaped like a 50-year-old
bowler, you know?
You know when you get fat as a guy, like we just put it all on in our middle?
That's like the equator, your belt buckle.
So, you know, that's the longest way around.
So what they do is they – did that even make sense?
I don't know.
Dude, I'm fucking punch drunk.
It's like 6.34 in the morning out here, which is like I don't know what, 4 in
the afternoon, the way my head is at right now, the way my head is at, where my
head is at right now, but it's pitch black out here in L.A.
We got it, Bill.
You're jet-lagged.
Stop making fucking excuses.
If you're not funny, why don't you go take a fucking nap?
Don't waste our times.
Our times?
Don't waste our time.
Oh, Jesus.
So anyways, how they fly you back is they actually go fly up towards the Arctic
Circle.
It's a quicker way around the globe, mate.
We went right over the fucking – what was it, Iceland?
Then over Greenland, and then we came down over the Yukon Territories into Manitoba,
Saskatchewan, fucking Alberta.
And then back into the States.
I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I had a great time over
there.
I want to thank everybody who came out.
I would like to say kitos to everybody who came out in Finland.
I'd like to say tak to everybody who came out to Stockholm, Sweden, and I'd
like to say thank you to everyone who came out in London, and thanks to people
in Copenhagen and Oslo, because I didn't learn how to say thanks in Danish or
–
Oslo, Oslo, Oslo, Norwegian, you know.
I'll tell you, it's funny.
I was actually being over there after a while.
You started to pick up a little bit of the language, but in typical American
fashion.
I mean I wasn't over there long enough.
I just started speaking my own language.
I would always – I would say hello, but in an accent.
I would just go, hello.
For some reason, I would start talking like that.
And like if you say hello over there, they know that you're an American or
whatever, that you're speaking English because they either say, hey, really
quick, or hi, hi.
Say hi, hi in fucking Stockholm, Sweden.
It's hilarious.
You're standing there.
Some grown man goes, hi, hi.
And then a police car goes by.
Wee, wah, wee, wah, wee, wah.
But it was an amazing experience, and I sincerely want to thank everybody.
I have fucking amazing shows over there, if I do say so myself.
Oh, Billy Boy fucking killed it over there, thanks to Charlie Murphy.
He told me before I went over there.
He said, go hard, son.
They can take it.
So I said, fuck it.
I'm going to do my shit like I'm standing in the middle of Tennessee.
And that's what I did, and it worked out perfectly.
And the most interesting thing, the most interesting thing about the tour was
when I would bring up Hitler.
I got to tell you, if you want to learn some history, bring up Hitler in Europe.
Because immediately people are, it gets fucking weird in the room.
Because basically wherever you go in Europe, for the most part,
he either completely bombed the shit out of their city or the city you're in
was on the same team with them.
And there's a little bit of guilt.
Because I've been doing this thing where I am on a mission to get Joseph Stalin
to get a little more credit in the complete maniac psycho category.
You know what I mean?
Like anytime they make a list of the top fucking psychos ever.
Hitler is always at the top.
You know what I mean?
It's like one of those Rolling Stone, best guitarists ever.
They're always going to stick Hendrix or Robert Johnson at the top.
You know?
Which I guess is right.
I don't know.
It's like, what the fuck?
The guy killed, he killed 20 million fucking people.
Stalin did.
Hitler only killed 6 million.
You know, wouldn't you think if you killed three times as many as the guy that
everybody's saying is the most insane motherfucker ever,
that your name would get thrown around a little bit more?
I don't understand it.
You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
You know, it's, you know what, fucking Germany, I guess killing people in
Germany is like completing a couple of passes for the New York Jets in New York
City.
Right?
Adolf Hitler is the Mark Sanchez of fucking, he's the Mark Sanchez of fucking
mass murderers.
You know?
And fucking, I don't, like, I guess killing 20 people in Russia is like
throwing for 400 yards in Seattle.
Like, nobody gives a shit.
You just got, I mean, you know, but you have like, throw for 200 yards in New
York.
You know what I mean?
And then they end the game, if I can make it there, I can make it.
Right?
With all those fucking self-blowing songs that New York City has.
Concrete jungle that dreams are made of.
Right?
So anyways, I learned all this shit about Hitler.
So I went to fucking, oh, and I made an ass of myself because, of course, I don't
know anything.
I don't know anything about fucking Norway, Sweden, Copenhagen, Denmark,
fucking Finland.
I don't know anything about them.
All I know is Sweden and Finland have a lot of NHL hockey players.
That's all I fucking knew.
And as far as my World War II knowledge, I knew that Hitler and Mussolini were
part of the Axis powers.
And that Hitler fucking bombed the shit out of England.
And then I also know that he went head to head with the Russians and they
retreated right before winter and the Nazis chased him in and then they got
surrounded just like in a Bronx tale.
Then they closed the door right as it started to snow.
And then they said, and now you can't leave, yeah?
Everybody's going to sound like a Nazi, by the way, because I don't know how to
do a Russian accent or anything, you know?
Wait, didn't I know one?
Da, I do.
I used to play siphon filter, this video game.
And there was this part that I couldn't get by.
I couldn't get by this mission.
And every time I hit reset, like you had to sneak down the hall.
And there was this Russian scientist who was calling back to his female
assistant.
She would say something, you know, Nostrovia or some bullshit.
And then he'd be like, da, I do.
Anyways, yeah, I'm a moron.
So this is what I learned.
In Finland, this is their deal.
They sided with Germany.
Okay?
So they get shit, and it's embarrassing because it's embarrassing because they
went with the guy who killed 6 million people to fight the guy who fucking
killed 20 million people.
I don't know.
It's fucking, they were basically, if you look at them on a map, they basically
had the unlucky position of being between two of the biggest mass murderers in
the history of the world.
They didn't have an army big enough to fuck with either one of them one-on-one.
They needed to make an alliance.
So now you're getting into self-preservation.
This is how it was told to me in Finland.
Now, I know there's a lot of Jewish people right now listening going, oh,
fucking Abraham.
Whatever, whoever the fuck you pray to.
Who is your Jesus?
Wait a minute.
Jesus was Jewish, right?
I don't fucking know.
Anyways, he, so this guy told me over there, basically, that they had to make a
choice, and they chose Germany, you know?
Which, and he tried to say, like, we weren't down with that Nazi shit.
We were just trying to make sure that the Russians wouldn't take us over.
And basically, Germans helped out the Finnish people, and they put up this
fucking Lake Placid epic fucking battle against the Russians, and they defeated
them, which is an unbelievable embarrassment to this day to the people of
Russia.
This is the way it was told to me in Helsinki, all right?
And I am a typical fucking moron, because I didn't read up on any of this.
One guy told me this shit, and now I'm going to present it as fact.
So, I don't know.
Anybody read about World War II?
What do you think about that?
Because when I look at it on paper, it's like, I get it, okay?
You got two, you're in between two psychos.
You got to make a choice.
Who are you going to pick?
All right?
The Germans make an unbelievable fucking car, you know?
They're fucking, you know, they're an incredible tank.
They had, they were like the fucking Steve Jobs.
They were like, uh, they had all this shit.
And they were in Russia.
What do you got?
You got a bunch of fucking people drinking vodka.
Who do we want to go up against?
We want to go up with these guys who have tanks that drive like Porsches?
Or do we want to fight these fucking drunks who got fucking dish rags tied
around their army boots?
What are we going to do here?
So I think it was like a, uh, it was a fucking self-preservation thing for some,
because I think somebody, like, you sided with Germany, and just the second you
do that, they automatically go, oh, you're fucking, you know, you're anti-Semitic
and blah, blah, blah.
I'm not saying they weren't.
Not saying they weren't.
I'm just wondering, is there another side to it?
Where it's just like, listen, we were trying to avoid being nuked.
It was a shit decision we had to make.
I mean, is there a right decision in that?
Why don't I fucking read up on it instead of being so goddamn lazy and then
having you assholes read up on it and then fucking tell me about it?
All right, so that was their deal.
All right?
And then if you go over to Sweden, Sweden remained neutral.
I really, oh, by the way, I brought up, I brought up Hitler, which bombed in,
uh, Finland.
And I guess someone was backstage going, does this guy realize that we were in
an alliance with Hitler in World War II and it's kind of embarrassing at this
point?
And I'm standing up there, typical ignorant American.
The fuck, you know?
What are you guys, into Hitler or something?
I'm making fun of the guy.
Oh, I remember I was doing this bit like, like, Hitler's always fascinated me
in that I don't see the charisma.
I just see an angry, sweaty, ugly man who has completely lost his composure
during the middle of a speech.
Why didn't anybody go, like, this guy's a fucking spaz.
This is the guy we're handing the keys over to bring us to glory?
Are you fucking kidding me?
This little runt?
By the way, people are tall as fuck in Scandinavia and in all those, uh,
Norwegian countries, by the way.
The amount of, like, five-foot, two-inch children that I saw, you know, who
were so young, like, their voice hadn't even changed.
They're, like, fucking almost eyeball to eyeball with me going, I want to get
some Legos in Stein.
How about the fuck you say?
It's fucking freaking me out.
Like, I'm just about 5'10".
I'm, like, average height, so I've never had an issue with my height.
Over there, I felt short, you know?
It's kind of like Nebraska, where everybody out there is, like, 300 pounds and
looks, 6'4", and looks like they play for offensive line or some shit.
Yeah, like, it seemed like over there, like, 6'1", was, like, the 5'8", or 5'9",
over here.
But anyways, so that's how I embarrassed myself in Finland.
I was going, who the fuck would follow this guy?
And evidently, Finland did.
All right, that was a moron move.
And when I was in Copenhagen, I can't remember if I told you this story.
I brought it up.
I called them Danish.
I said that the people of Denmark were Danish, and then I lost confidence in it
because nobody said anything.
And I go, I'm sorry, Danish people from Amsterdam.
I didn't even say the Netherlands.
I said Amsterdam.
And then I go, what are you guys, Denmarkians?
And I knew that was wrong.
And then I found out after the show that they actually are Danish.
Oh, and it continues.
When I went in Sweden, and I never told, I didn't tell anybody this.
I walked out on stage and said, hey, it's nice to be back here in Switzerland.
And everybody laughed, thinking I was joking, and I wasn't.
I always get them confused.
They both begin with S.
They're both in fucking Europe.
They both have those blonde-haired, blue-eyed.
Once you want to open the bank account, yeah?
Not to report to the IRS, okay?
That will cost you two golden shrunkens.
Um...

Bill Burr - European Tour Recap

I was actually flying back from Stockholm, Sweden yesterday, and I went from
Stockholm, had to fly to Zurich, which is in Switzerland, and board the plane
there, and then it was a 12-hour fucking flight all the way back to L.A., and
you'd think they'd just go a straight shot right across the ocean.
That's not how they do it, you know, because the earth is shaped like a 50-year-old
bowler, you know?
You know when you get fat as a guy, like we just put it all on in our middle?
That's like the equator, your belt buckle.
So, you know, that's the longest way around.
So what they do is they – did that even make sense?
I don't know.
Dude, I'm fucking punch drunk.
It's like 6.34 in the morning out here, which is like I don't know what, 4 in
the afternoon, the way my head is at right now, the way my head is at, where my
head is at right now, but it's pitch black out here in L.A.
We got it, Bill.
You're jet-lagged.
Stop making fucking excuses.
If you're not funny, why don't you go take a fucking nap?
Don't waste our times.
Our times?
Don't waste our time.
Oh, Jesus.
So anyways, how they fly you back is they actually go fly up towards the Arctic
Circle.
It's a quicker way around the globe, mate.
We went right over the fucking – what was it, Iceland?
Then over Greenland, and then we came down over the Yukon Territories into Manitoba,
Saskatchewan, fucking Alberta.
And then back into the States.
I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I had a great time over
there.
I want to thank everybody who came out.
I would like to say kitos to everybody who came out in Finland.
I'd like to say tak to everybody who came out to Stockholm, Sweden, and I'd
like to say thank you to everyone who came out in London, and thanks to people
in Copenhagen and Oslo, because I didn't learn how to say thanks in Danish or
–
Oslo, Oslo, Oslo, Norwegian, you know.
I'll tell you, it's funny.
I was actually being over there after a while.
You started to pick up a little bit of the language, but in typical American
fashion.
I mean I wasn't over there long enough.
I just started speaking my own language.
I would always – I would say hello, but in an accent.
I would just go, hello.
For some reason, I would start talking like that.
And like if you say hello over there, they know that you're an American or
whatever, that you're speaking English because they either say, hey, really
quick, or hi, hi.
Say hi, hi in fucking Stockholm, Sweden.
It's hilarious.
You're standing there.
Some grown man goes, hi, hi.
And then a police car goes by.
Wee, wah, wee, wah, wee, wah.
But it was an amazing experience, and I sincerely want to thank everybody.
I have fucking amazing shows over there, if I do say so myself.
Oh, Billy Boy fucking killed it over there, thanks to Charlie Murphy.
He told me before I went over there.
He said, go hard, son.
They can take it.
So I said, fuck it.
I'm going to do my shit like I'm standing in the middle of Tennessee.
And that's what I did, and it worked out perfectly.
And the most interesting thing, the most interesting thing about the tour was
when I would bring up Hitler.
I got to tell you, if you want to learn some history, bring up Hitler in Europe.
Because immediately people are, it gets fucking weird in the room.
Because basically wherever you go in Europe, for the most part,
he either completely bombed the shit out of their city or the city you're in
was on the same team with them.
And there's a little bit of guilt.
Because I've been doing this thing where I am on a mission to get Joseph Stalin
to get a little more credit in the complete maniac psycho category.
You know what I mean?
Like anytime they make a list of the top fucking psychos ever.
Hitler is always at the top.
You know what I mean?
It's like one of those Rolling Stone, best guitarists ever.
They're always going to stick Hendrix or Robert Johnson at the top.
You know?
Which I guess is right.
I don't know.
It's like, what the fuck?
The guy killed, he killed 20 million fucking people.
Stalin did.
Hitler only killed 6 million.
You know, wouldn't you think if you killed three times as many as the guy that
everybody's saying is the most insane motherfucker ever,
that your name would get thrown around a little bit more?
I don't understand it.
You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
You know, it's, you know what, fucking Germany, I guess killing people in
Germany is like completing a couple of passes for the New York Jets in New York
City.
Right?
Adolf Hitler is the Mark Sanchez of fucking, he's the Mark Sanchez of fucking
mass murderers.
You know?
And fucking, I don't, like, I guess killing 20 people in Russia is like
throwing for 400 yards in Seattle.
Like, nobody gives a shit.
You just got, I mean, you know, but you have like, throw for 200 yards in New
York.
You know what I mean?
And then they end the game, if I can make it there, I can make it.
Right?
With all those fucking self-blowing songs that New York City has.
Concrete jungle that dreams are made of.
Right?
So anyways, I learned all this shit about Hitler.
So I went to fucking, oh, and I made an ass of myself because, of course, I don't
know anything.
I don't know anything about fucking Norway, Sweden, Copenhagen, Denmark,
fucking Finland.
I don't know anything about them.
All I know is Sweden and Finland have a lot of NHL hockey players.
That's all I fucking knew.
And as far as my World War II knowledge, I knew that Hitler and Mussolini were
part of the Axis powers.
And that Hitler fucking bombed the shit out of England.
And then I also know that he went head to head with the Russians and they
retreated right before winter and the Nazis chased him in and then they got
surrounded just like in a Bronx tale.
Then they closed the door right as it started to snow.
And then they said, and now you can't leave, yeah?
Everybody's going to sound like a Nazi, by the way, because I don't know how to
do a Russian accent or anything, you know?
Wait, didn't I know one?
Da, I do.
I used to play siphon filter, this video game.
And there was this part that I couldn't get by.
I couldn't get by this mission.
And every time I hit reset, like you had to sneak down the hall.
And there was this Russian scientist who was calling back to his female
assistant.
She would say something, you know, Nostrovia or some bullshit.
And then he'd be like, da, I do.
Anyways, yeah, I'm a moron.
So this is what I learned.
In Finland, this is their deal.
They sided with Germany.
Okay?
So they get shit, and it's embarrassing because it's embarrassing because they
went with the guy who killed 6 million people to fight the guy who fucking
killed 20 million people.
I don't know.
It's fucking, they were basically, if you look at them on a map, they basically
had the unlucky position of being between two of the biggest mass murderers in
the history of the world.
They didn't have an army big enough to fuck with either one of them one-on-one.
They needed to make an alliance.
So now you're getting into self-preservation.
This is how it was told to me in Finland.
Now, I know there's a lot of Jewish people right now listening going, oh,
fucking Abraham.
Whatever, whoever the fuck you pray to.
Who is your Jesus?
Wait a minute.
Jesus was Jewish, right?
I don't fucking know.
Anyways, he, so this guy told me over there, basically, that they had to make a
choice, and they chose Germany, you know?
Which, and he tried to say, like, we weren't down with that Nazi shit.
We were just trying to make sure that the Russians wouldn't take us over.
And basically, Germans helped out the Finnish people, and they put up this
fucking Lake Placid epic fucking battle against the Russians, and they defeated
them, which is an unbelievable embarrassment to this day to the people of
Russia.
This is the way it was told to me in Helsinki, all right?
And I am a typical fucking moron, because I didn't read up on any of this.
One guy told me this shit, and now I'm going to present it as fact.
So, I don't know.
Anybody read about World War II?
What do you think about that?
Because when I look at it on paper, it's like, I get it, okay?
You got two, you're in between two psychos.
You got to make a choice.
Who are you going to pick?
All right?
The Germans make an unbelievable fucking car, you know?
They're fucking, you know, they're an incredible tank.
They had, they were like the fucking Steve Jobs.
They were like, uh, they had all this shit.
And they were in Russia.
What do you got?
You got a bunch of fucking people drinking vodka.
Who do we want to go up against?
We want to go up with these guys who have tanks that drive like Porsches?
Or do we want to fight these fucking drunks who got fucking dish rags tied
around their army boots?
What are we going to do here?
So I think it was like a, uh, it was a fucking self-preservation thing for some,
because I think somebody, like, you sided with Germany, and just the second you
do that, they automatically go, oh, you're fucking, you know, you're anti-Semitic
and blah, blah, blah.
I'm not saying they weren't.
Not saying they weren't.
I'm just wondering, is there another side to it?
Where it's just like, listen, we were trying to avoid being nuked.
It was a shit decision we had to make.
I mean, is there a right decision in that?
Why don't I fucking read up on it instead of being so goddamn lazy and then
having you assholes read up on it and then fucking tell me about it?
All right, so that was their deal.
All right?
And then if you go over to Sweden, Sweden remained neutral.
I really, oh, by the way, I brought up, I brought up Hitler, which bombed in,
uh, Finland.
And I guess someone was backstage going, does this guy realize that we were in
an alliance with Hitler in World War II and it's kind of embarrassing at this
point?
And I'm standing up there, typical ignorant American.
The fuck, you know?
What are you guys, into Hitler or something?
I'm making fun of the guy.
Oh, I remember I was doing this bit like, like, Hitler's always fascinated me
in that I don't see the charisma.
I just see an angry, sweaty, ugly man who has completely lost his composure
during the middle of a speech.
Why didn't anybody go, like, this guy's a fucking spaz.
This is the guy we're handing the keys over to bring us to glory?
Are you fucking kidding me?
This little runt?
By the way, people are tall as fuck in Scandinavia and in all those, uh,
Norwegian countries, by the way.
The amount of, like, five-foot, two-inch children that I saw, you know, who
were so young, like, their voice hadn't even changed.
They're, like, fucking almost eyeball to eyeball with me going, I want to get
some Legos in Stein.
How about the fuck you say?
It's fucking freaking me out.
Like, I'm just about 5'10".
I'm, like, average height, so I've never had an issue with my height.
Over there, I felt short, you know?
It's kind of like Nebraska, where everybody out there is, like, 300 pounds and
looks, 6'4", and looks like they play for offensive line or some shit.
Yeah, like, it seemed like over there, like, 6'1", was, like, the 5'8", or 5'9",
over here.
But anyways, so that's how I embarrassed myself in Finland.
I was going, who the fuck would follow this guy?
And evidently, Finland did.
All right, that was a moron move.
And when I was in Copenhagen, I can't remember if I told you this story.
I brought it up.
I called them Danish.
I said that the people of Denmark were Danish, and then I lost confidence in it
because nobody said anything.
And I go, I'm sorry, Danish people from Amsterdam.
I didn't even say the Netherlands.
I said Amsterdam.
And then I go, what are you guys, Denmarkians?
And I knew that was wrong.
And then I found out after the show that they actually are Danish.
Oh, and it continues.
When I went in Sweden, and I never told, I didn't tell anybody this.
I walked out on stage and said, hey, it's nice to be back here in Switzerland.
And everybody laughed, thinking I was joking, and I wasn't.
I always get them confused.
They both begin wit