Name: Bill Burr - New Website
Uploaded: 2011-11-17T02:51:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - New Website' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-11-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - New Website' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-11-17. Transcript available.

I am fucking ecstatic, alright? I got a brand new website, everybody, and of
course, I went to go on it, and I can't get on it, but it should be up by the
time you listen to this, or maybe it's my computer, I don't know what the fuck's
going on.
I got one of these laptops that's like, I don't know, at this point, it's
almost three years old, which is basically, it's basically the laptop
equivalent of, like, a 47-year-old stripper.
You know, it's still doing the job, it still looks alright, you know, it still
can do the little tricks, it can go on the internet, it can fucking drop down
to a split and bring that booty right back up again, you know?
But it's tired, I can see it. It's got little varicose veins on the side of the
plastic, it's just, it's had its time, and I feel bad for it.
It never found love. It always said that it was only going to be a laptop for,
like, you know, a year, year and a half, and then it was going to go back to
school and become a fucking iPad or some shit.
But it didn't. It's just become a cliched laptop. And what am I going to do
with it? You know, I'd love to donate it to a school, but some of the porn I've
looked at, I don't need that.
I don't need to send that over to kids, and then all of a sudden it comes back
to me. I don't need that.
So you know what I'm going to do with it? I'm going to throw it in the fucking
trash.
It's going to end up in that cesspool of shit out there in the middle of the
ocean, you know, that's two miles deep and twice the size of Texas, and some flounder's
going to swim right through it, and a fucking month later I'm going to be
eating some sushi, you know, thinking I'm being healthy.
What am I doing? I'm eating my old fucking laptop with a side of rollerblades,
a couple of beanie babies with my edamame.
That's what's out there in the ocean. You guys realize it? It's all those
fucking fads you forgot about.
Remember those Razor scooters? Huh? When's the last time you saw one of those?
Where is it?
Maybe that's in your garage. That'd be a good thing to hold on to. That was
sort of made out of a precious metal.
Maybe that's something you could melt down during some sort of zombie crisis
and make a sword, you know?
I have a brand new website, everybody. For some reason I can't get on it right
now. I don't know if they're putting the final touches on it. I don't know if
it's because it moved somewhere else. I don't know if it's because, I don't
know what. You know me. I'm not good with the technology.
But, here's the deal. It's a fucking awesome site. It's going to be very
interactive. I'm going to get the new fucking iPhone when I don't have to stand
in line or fucking order it. I just want to walk in and buy it like a goddamn
gentleman.
Alright, what is this? Russia? Go fuck yourself. I walk in. It's supposed to be
there. Call me. Why don't you call me when it's there? Alright?
Ah, the battery's crapped out on me. Sorry about that. What was I talking about?
Yeah, this isn't fucking Russia. Alright? This isn't some country that I've
heard you have to stand in line in.
You know, I just want to walk in and get it.
I'm sorry, sir. We don't have them. If you'd like to order it, we can place an
order.
Ah, I'll fucking order it yourself. I don't give a shit.
I actually like getting it later. Because then if there's a problem, other
people figure it out with their wallets.
You know? All these people. I like when people get new technology like that.
And you can tell that they're just using it in front of you just to try and
show off like you actually give a shit.
So anyways, my new website.
You know, if you send me Twitters or Facebook, all that shit's going to be
right there on the page.
Just go to BillBird.com. I'm sure it's up by the time you listen to this. It's
up there.
I got some fancy new photos up there.
I got a new bio. I'm going to start blogging again.
All my podcasts are going to be there.
Be there.
So you can listen to it.
It's going to be great.
And this is the new me.
I'm finally going to embrace this fucking technology shit.
But I'm doing it my way.
Alright?
Alright?