Name: Bill Burr - Black Friday
Uploaded: 2011-11-29T13:33:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Black Friday' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-11-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Black Friday' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-11-29. Transcript available.

to do huh am i gonna go holiday shopping with all these fucking maniacs and get
pepper sprayed
because i'm trying to buy a juicer you know i haven't i don't have one ounce of
fucking sympathy
for any fucking idiot out there i don't give a fuck about your financial
goddamn position
go make a popsicle stick house okay don't fucking go down to walmart and sit
there with
your goddamn fucking big gulp face pressed against the glass trying to run down
a fucking
an aisle with four and other crazed maniacs trying to get a waffle iron the
fuck is wrong with you
walk in there like a gentleman all right go in there some other time when it's
not fucking mayhem
and why don't you do this pay full price and buy less shit why don't you do
that
you know and well let me guess is this insensitive well what about the people
that don't have any
money well then you just buy less shit how you know you know when the fastest
fucking way
to still having no money is to go down to a fucking department store and buy a
ton of shit
these people that they're they're they're fucking idiots
you know i'm not saying that they weren't blessed that they didn't get some
gifts from a higher power
i'm not saying that i'm not saying that some of them can't sing a song
can't do a dance uh can't fix a fucking motor i'm not saying that this is why i'm
saying you're a
fucking idiot because you're buying into the hype the same way those stupid
fucking nerd cunts
buy into this fucking i whatever ipad ipod the new iphone every fucking goddamn
six months
they get themselves all worked up into this fucking frenzy
and they're going on the website trying to say how many there how many there
it's it's completely it's false panic it's man-made
i swear to god you know what kills me is walmart has has i have not been able
to find their reaction
uh um to basically i mean aren't they in a sales way screaming fire in a
crowded movie theater isn't
this what i mean every fucking year i remember this security guard got trampled
he had a fucking
heart attack guy died because somebody's trying to go down and buy a fucking he-man
doll
for half price you know so somebody can pop the head off and have a toddler get
it lodged in their
throat these are all facts people all this shit's happened all right porter
ranch
where the fuck is porter ranch that just sounds like the one of those one of
those states right
just a good old boy never meaning no harm went down to the walmart to get some
fucking chaps and he shot
a unarmed man gotten his challenger and then he fucking drove away where the
fuck is it i lost it
woman pepper sprayed porter ranch all right porter ranch
um would you like balsamic vinaigrette or would you like the porter ranch
here we go uh you can't porter ranch no that's fucking los angeles
get the fuck out of here is in a fluid neighborhood in the northwest region of
the san fernando valley
see look at me getting exposed for the moron i am
that's even worse you know i refuse to believe that rich people went down to a
fucking walmart with pepper
spray i'm not buying this one have they seen the lady who did it anyways people
stop buying into this
fucking crap you know take some power back in your own life you know what you
should do on black friday
stay home
saint patrick's day bunch of morons going out drinking their faces off being
loud the green
alligators singing these stupid songs with plastic hats on their heads and
eventually they're either
going to punch you in the face or throw up on your shoes stay home like a
fucking gentleman
go out go down to the liquor store get yourself a nice bottle of scotch have a
few friends come over
you know make your corned beef sandwiches there you know and then watch some
fucking irish mob movie
go watch state of grace or some shit i don't fucking know but you don't go down
there for that horse shit
you don't go out on valentine's go out on valentine's go get yourself sushi
that's been marked up 300
go fuck yourself you go out on the 15th i can't say i love you on that day
you know independent thought people on a very low level i'm not reinventing the
wheel
i'm just realizing there's other days in the year where you can go and walk
into a store
and buy a fucking flobie without
without getting run through with a fucking swifter mop handle
ah it's just should have said swifter there's a lesson in comedy without
getting run through by a
fucking swifter that would have been funny but i was got run through with a swifter
mop handle
it's like i was in a band and i stopped fucking
late oh jesus oh jeez bill you can't even say it funny let's read about this
porter ranch all right
porter ranch the woman accused of shooting pepper spray at other customers at a
busy walmart store in
porter ranch injuring 20 was described by police today is about five foot three
inches tall between the
ages of 32 and 38 with black hair and brown eyes uh police do not have a
description of the vehicle
the woman was driving well i'd like to make a guess if i could um i'm gonna say
she was driving some
sort of chrysler vehicle probably some rusted out cab forward designed you know
with one of the
tail lights you know the backup lights hanging down um los angeles police
department
fucking detective said detectives are actively working on the case but are not
expected to receive
surveillance video from walmart until early next week because of technical
glitches how hilarious is that
i bet if that bitch went in there and robbed the fucking store cleaned out all
the registers how
quickly you think walmart would have got that video over yeah you know we don't
have technical glitches
that's how fucking powerful walmart is they just told the cops to stand down we'll
get you the video
when our lawyers are done looking at it that's what the fuck that means do you
know how much money we
generate for this community officer huh i live in a gated community with my own
fucking private police force
that has better guns than yours we'll get you the video when we're good and
goddamn fucking ready
no wonder walmart
hasn't made a comment
you know they never used to have this shit when i was a kid
or at the very least it was never reported
you know they'd start to have sales but it wasn't this fucking mania
i'm an asshole
i gotta do that next year next year i'm gonna hire a camera crew
and i'm gonna go down there and i'm gonna just fucking start talking to these
people and ask them
what is all the excitement about what do you think
is in there that's gonna make your life better
huh
what do you think's in there
and don't give me this sad sack
fucking story about how you got kids
and it's christmas time
and if there's no presents under the fucking tree
what's gonna happen
gee i don't know
biggie small seemed to make it work
didn't he
he just rapped about being broke
and everyone related to it
and then he made a sold a bunch of albums
and then he got shot
all right that was a bad example
um
look all i'm saying is this
all right
there's no reason
you know you're probably thinking that i'm trashing you
for going
i just don't want you
i want you to just have fucking respect for yourself
like those fucking idiots when they go to a goddamn game
and those skipping jackasses come out with the free t-shirts
and everybody reaching over everybody
i just wish once i could just have some sort of crowd mind control
and as they sat there you know skipping around with their eyebrows up
like huh huh do you want it do you want it
everybody just sort of sits there staring back at them
until it's so fucking awkward they just have to throw it
and then it just sort of lands in the aisle and nobody picks it up
and then of course the people on the arena is like well
someone's gonna trip on that we're gonna get sued
and then they gotta send those skipping jackasses
to go pick up all their t-shirts that nobody wanted
and then they're left with a fucking truckload of them
that's what i would like to see happen
stop trying to get me excited about shit
you know what walmart has in it
it has a bunch of shit
what do they really have in there bicycles
foreman grills
shackets
rakes
what else do they got
fucking dvd player
i mean you can't get one of those for nine dollars
on the goddamn internet
i don't know
i just think if you're in a financial position
where you have to risk being trampled to death
where you basically have to go to
the store version of the running of the bulls
to get a goddamn fucking
i don't know
grilled cheese maker
i'm running out of dumb shit to talk about
or a playstation
or whatever the fuck it is
if you have to do that
you can't afford it
and if you go out and buy the fucking thing
you're just sticking yourself further behind the fucking rock
why don't you just have a couple of light christmases
so then you can have a better christmas
you know
why don't you do that
instead of doing what all these fucking dumb cunts
and that real housewife
wife show do
you know
pay for that cash money
those fucking morons
who do not understand money
you know
oh i'm on my soapbox this week
yeah
just live with nothing for a while
as long as you can fucking eat
and you got plenty of water
you're fine
do you realize if you have enough to eat
and you have water
do you realize that you're living better
than probably a third of the world
just doing that
having a place
to take a shit
having clothes on your back
having toothpaste
and a toothbrush
do you understand
how fucking far ahead you are
you don't need any of that shit
and yes
it's nice to have
but it's not worth going down there
and falling down
and having your wig fall off
or your fucking ass crack
hanging out
all this shit that i've seen
dislocating your knee
having some poor bastard
trying to hold people back
and he has a heart attack
and he dies
oh yeah
i'm too small
i need a competitive edge
let me go get some bear mace
like do you understand
like how caught up
into the fucking frenzy you are
that you make those
goddamn decisions
you don't even need to be down there
just go down to a fucking
uh
osco drug
do those things still exist
whatever happened in the old days
leech mares
remember that
i was talking about that
with some buddies yesterday
go down to leech mares
why don't you go down to the lumber yard
and go make some toys
like a fucking elf
anything
anything
you know
other than
i mean
couldn't you just go like
look
we don't have
say to your kids
we don't have money
for christmas this year
all right
we don't
but i do have money
to take you to a ball game
i'll take us all out
to a ball game
all right
and just know this
we're gonna have better christmases
but the most important thing
is that we're all together
and we all love each other
and that we don't get trampled
by some hot dog eating jackass
with a can of fucking bear mace
it's more important to me
fucking showing up christmas
you know
dressed up as santa claus
with your dislocated shoulder
and your fucking eyes are all red
ho ho ho
santa's here
don't hug santa
santa hurts
um
i don't know
i'm sure i'm gonna get
some fucking hate mail
over this
that was so insensitive
to people who don't have money
i know they don't have money
but they have fucking brains
bill
why do you always
only have one tv
because i live within my means
which is why i don't go down
to black friday
and get trampled
by some fucking
big gulp tub of shit
with a can of mace
all right
those people who got mace
that lady did them
a favor
do you think any of those
cunts are gonna come back
next friday
or next black friday
you think they're gonna
come down there for that
shit they're not
they got the beat down
they deserved
i don't know