Name: Bill Burr - Dilemmas: Strippers, Animal Attacks, Smelly Woman
Uploaded: 2011-12-13T17:01:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dilemmas: Strippers, Animal Attacks, Smelly Woman' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-12-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dilemmas: Strippers, Animal Attacks, Smelly Woman' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-12-13. Transcript available.

All right, dilemmas for the week.
Go to the bathroom like a cat, number one and number two,
in a dresser drawer-sized cat box and have a butler empty it every day.
Or go to the bathroom like a dog outside in the bushes
and have a butler follow you around to pick it up and tell you that you're a
good boy.
Oh, that's no fun. That's the second one.
I do it outside and squat right down in the fucking bushes.
I'm not shitting inside my house.
That's why I hate cats.
Aside from the fact that they act like stuck-up cunts at a club, you know,
who've never accomplished anything other than looking good in life, you know,
and they only come around when they fucking need something.
The only other reason why I don't like cats is they shit in the fucking house.
Then I got to pick it up. I don't like that.
They're not happy when I come home.
There's just no give and take.
You know what it is? When you have a cat, you're basically
Robert De Niro's character in Casino.
That's what you are.
You know, and your cat is Sharon Stone.
She's fucking, she's just there for the amenities.
You fucking cunt.
Go OD in a goddamn red roof inn.
All right. So yeah, I would definitely be outside.
Who doesn't like being told they're a good boy?
I get praise.
When was the last time anybody out there got praise after they took a dump?
Wouldn't that be awesome?
You know?
I don't know.
All right, let's plow ahead.
Was that unfunny, sir?
Did you not like that one?
Was that not up to your comedy standards?
Did you feel the rest of this podcast was funnier than that?
When I blew my nose before I went off on Jesus?
Oh.
All right.
Let's just plow ahead here.
Number two.
Would you rather marry a stripper or have your daughter become one?
I'd rather marry one.
I'd rather marry one, you know.
If my daughter becomes one, that's just complete failure as a parent.
And in fact, that's what I think all those videos should be called that you see,
you know.
When you see on YouTube and you got those girls doing those booty dances, you
know, with the goddamn shorts up their ass.
Like, it's always like so-and-so booty dancing.
What it should be called is so-and-so.
Complete failure.
As a parent.
Well, results of a complete failure as a parent.
Absolutely.
I would rather.
That's not fair to the kid.
I would marry a stripper.
And, you know, I would just have fun with the stripper.
I would just do whatever I could, you know.
Fuck her if she had one leg pointed west and one leg pointed east, you know.
Or north and south if she's standing up drinking coffee, you know.
Doing like one of those little ballet moves.
I'd just bang her like that.
And then, yeah, then I'd have a kid and be like, listen, this is the secret in
life, sweetheart.
Don't do anything that your mother did.
Wouldn't she just become a stripper?
Is that like a reality show that they haven't come up with yet?
Daughters of strippers?
Like, what's her face?
I think Kurt Cobain's daughter is going to be all right because her mother is
such a fuck-up that I think she's probably just jinxed her.
I probably just jinxed her.
All right, number three.
Choose between attack by a bear or a lion on land and between attack by a shark
or crocodile in the water.
No fucking contest, dude.
I would take a bear and bear or a lion.
That's a quick death.
That's a quick one.
That bear comes up with that bionic bitch slap.
That's it.
It fucking breaks your neck.
You ever see a lion kill something?
That's it.
It's over.
Like, and that's going after like major prey and it just crushes your fucking
windpipe.
You're out in two seconds.
Did you ever yell the footage of what's-his-face?
Look, the gay lion tamer out there.
The one who looked like, uh, uh, what's-his-face from Night at the Roxbury.
Ah, Jesus Christ, this fucking cold medicine.
What the fuck is the guy's name there?
Come on.
What was-what's the name of that guy?
Chris Kattan.
That one.
The gay Chris Kattan.
You ever see when that fucking-that lion grabbed that dude and it was over.
In two seconds, he just went limp.
I'd take that in a second.
As opposed to a fucking shark.
You're sitting out there.
A shark comes up.
First thing it does is it bites into your leg to see if you're edible.
Right?
Just takes a nice chunk out.
You know?
Like he's doing some sort of wine testing with your fucking thigh meat.
You know what else kills me is the fact you can't fucking see it.
You know?
Your head's above the water and all the evil is just below it and you're
sitting there,
you know?
And I think that you had still-you got that caveman DNA that would-that would
just be going
off, that there was something in the area despite the fact that you couldn't
see it.
You'd be trying to lift your fucking legs up.
I think-I think the real dilemma here is-is between shark or crocodile and-I
would have
to go-I would have to go shark.
I just feel like they're-it's a cleaner death.
You know?
They got those Ginsu knife teeth.
They just come in like a tiger shark.
It's just fucking over.
You know?
Just a perfect fucking killing machine as they said in Jaws.
But like-alligators and crocodiles, those fucking things.
Those are like those guys who aren't talented enough to be in the NFL or the NHL.
So they just go out there and they try to blow out guys' knees, you know?
Alligators and crocodiles are like the Bill Romanowskis of fucking predators.
You know?
Just that thing where they grab onto you.
You know, what I like about a shark, you could just bite your leg off.
A fucking alligator, they always seem to grab it and then they go into that
roll and they
just so slowly twist it off, you know, like you're some cooked chicken and they're
trying
to take the leg.
This is getting fucking morbid.
That's what I would choose.
All right.
What else we got here?
Have a beautiful lady who stinks, smelly breath, smelly ass, pussy, pits, hair,
the works,
all stinking, or an ugly fat bitch who smells great.
I'd go with the ugly fat girl who smells great.
Absolutely.
Because I could love her.
Well, the other one who just smelled like shit but was beautiful and was
probably carrying
herself like a beautiful lady would annoy me after a while and I'd probably
kill her.
You know?
Why did you kill her?
Because her fucking pussy stunk and she walked around like she was Giselle.
Am I being charged with anything?
Because if I am, I want a lawyer.
Go fuck yourselves.
Well, Mr. Burr, you really just already incriminated yourself.
I don't care.
You know?
The prison will not smell as bad as her ass.
Oh, is there anything worse than fucking cold tea?
All right.
Here we go.
Chimp first linebacker.
Bill, my friends and I frequently get in an argument over whether a world's man
competitor
or NFL lineman could handle a chimp in a fight.
I know chimps can rip faces off and are ten times the strength of a normal man,
but a normal
man is a tub of shit.
I bet a linebacker could rip some faces off too.
What do you think?
Uh, yeah, no contest.
The chimp would fuck the dude up.
Dude, chimps don't fight.
I was going to, I almost said fairly.
Chimps don't fight like people.
They're not going to, you know, you're going to come out and touch gloves and
they're going
to fuck it.
Sorry, he's got a great jab.
Watch out for it's right.
You know, that fucking thing is just going to jump on you.
Did I ever tell you that time that monkey stole my hotel keys?
I was in Costa Rica.
Um, the fuck was I down in Costa Rica way out in the bush, you know, army ants
took over
my fucking little cabana and that type of shit.
So they had this pet monkey there.
I was a monkey.
I fucking ate monkeys.
I never had a problem with chimps, but now that they rip people's faces off and
their
nuts and their feet off, I have a problem with them.
Uh, I like gorillas and I like orangutans.
Orangutans.
I always thought it was tang, T-A-N-G, but it's orangutan.
I like those ones.
They seem like they've seen it all.
They got that vibe.
They could just sit down and teach you about life.
But those little monkey motherfuckers, I can't stand it, right?
So for some dumb reason, because I'm white, I have to walk up to it.
Hey, there's a fucking wild animal.
Let me put myself in danger.
And I walk up to this thing and it fucking jumps on me.
Uh, you know, and it's one of those, you know, remember that, that, that video,
uh, shock
the monkey?
Remember the little monkey in that thing was one of those monkeys or in the
faces of death
when they were fucking banging that monkey's head till it died.
Then they ate his brains.
Remember that one?
Yeah, it was one of those monkeys, right?
This fucking thing jumped on me.
And within half a second, it turned itself upside down, was hanging by its tail
from my neck,
reached in my pockets, grabbed my keys, and ran back up a fucking tree.
This all happened, like, within, like, 1.8 seconds.
And my body reaction was like, what, wait, what, what?
Oh, fuck.
So, if this thing actually wanted to fuck you up, the thing's not gonna come
out fucking
bobbing and weaving.
It's gonna be running around the room, jumping up off of shit.
You're gonna try to figure out where it is, and it's just gonna fucking land on
your face.
And that's gonna be it.
It's gonna tear your face off, twist your foot off, and rip your balls off.
And no linebacker stands a fucking chance.
Unless, you know what?
What if they had on the equipment?
Even then, they'd tear your fingers off.
This is the amazing thing about how human beings survived.
There's everything out there, as far as I can tell, is faster than us, for the
most part.
It is stronger than us.
Faster and stronger.
But for the simple fact that we were smarter, we were able to do all the
horrific things that
we've done with this nature, you know?
With this nature, with this planet.
You ever think about that shit?
Football players beat the fuck out of the nerds?
All through grade school and high school.
Then what happens?
When the real deal goes down,
the end of the day, those nerds become bankers.
And those football players get enslaved.
And there you sit in your house, like a caged animal at the fucking zoo.
And where's that banker?
You don't even know what the fuck he looks like.
All those Facebook cunts.
That goddamn Steve Jobs.
One of the most overrated human beings on the fucking planet.
They win in the end.