Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Selfish Girl
Uploaded: 2011-12-19T23:14:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Selfish Girl' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-12-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Selfish Girl' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-12-19. Transcript available.

Advice! Bill, just wanted to say I went to Carnegie Hall and loved your show.
I'm new to the podcast, and I want your advice on a lady that used to be a huge
part of my life.
Okay, here we go. So, I'm a pasty white guy from the Bronx,
and I went out with a Dominican chick for five years, during which I learned
Spanish fluently
so I could speak to her parents who didn't speak English.
See that? There you go. There's an American doing it because he had to.
Um, and for the first three and a half years of the relationship, I fell deeply
in love with her.
Well, he writes, what a fag. You're not a fag. That's a good thing.
And respected her reasons for not having sex during those first three and a
half years.
Oh, gee, jeez.
So, skip forward a bit. I started thinking she might be the one.
Then she graduated college and got an offer to teach English in Japan.
First off, I don't know how someone doesn't have a full grasp of the language.
Someone who doesn't have a full grasp of the language herself can teach others,
but that's for them to deal with.
So, she said it was only going to be for a year, and she wanted to stay
together.
A few months passed, and she says...
Oh, God. No, dude. She's slowly breaking up with you.
Anyways, a few months passed, and she says they wanted her to stay another year,
and that she wanted to go off on some hippie trip to Africa.
So, I told her to go fuck herself.
Good for you.
My question is how to explain to everyone
how much of a selfish cunt this girl is.
Because for some reason, everyone thinks she's a saint.
Did you tell him the story?
He goes,
I look like the asshole,
especially when that typhoon slash earthquake slash Armageddon hit Japan last
year,
and people were asking me how she was,
and I said,
fuck knows, maybe dead.
I fucking love this guy.
Now, this bitch is coming home after three years over there,
and won't stop trying to contact me over Facebook.
For some reason, she can't understand how selfish she was.
How do I explain to this cunt how fucked up she is?
Thanks for your advice, Billy boy.
All right.
This is what we really need to discuss here.
Um, well, how do you feel about her?
Do you still love her?
All right?
If you do,
I don't know what to tell you.
Because she fucked you over.
She fucked you over, okay?
You don't do that to somebody.
All right, I'm going to go off to Japan.
It's only going to be for a fucking year,
and you hang around for a year,
and then after the year's up,
I'm going to go to fucking Africa
and go traipse around there.
She really didn't want to come back and see you
at that point in your life.
And now she's done, you know?
Sucking the fucking rainbow of dick she probably has
since she left you.
And believe me, she has,
because women don't count that over-the-sea shit.
I think Chris Rock had a bit about that,
which is so fucking true.
Now she's coming back to you.
So this is what I'll tell you.
All right?
Fuck people who don't understand
how you feel about this girl.
Fuck them.
All right?
You know how you feel about this girl.
Now, I don't know how you feel about this girl.
All I know is how you're telling me you feel about her.
So that's all I can go with.
You're telling me,
fuck this cunt.
I don't like her anymore.
I want her out of my life.
It's the vibe you're giving me.
All right?
It sounds like she's contacting you on Facebook
and you're having conversations with her.
She keeps contacting you,
which would indicate to me
that you still either have some sort of
unresolved anger
or you still like this girl.
At which point,
you got to figure that shit out.
But if you really don't like this girl,
you don't like this girl,
I'm telling you.
All right?
You got to cut this girl out of your life.
You can't talk to her on Facebook.
You can't have this girl come back in your life.
That's what my gut's telling me.
You can't fuck this girl, dude.
What are you doing?
She just kicked you in the fucking balls,
pulled out your heart,
showed it to you,
giggled in your face,
and then went off to Africa
to fuck the Zulu nation.
Okay?
Which is her fucking prerogative?
Now she's coming back.
All right?
And she's contacting you again.
Dude, she's like some fucking sailor.
She's got a different dick in every port
and now she's coming back going,
no, no, baby.
No, don't be like that.
You know, back of her hand,
rubbing the side of your cheek.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
She just wants a ride to the airport
all the way up to fucking 167th fucking street
under the George Washington Bridge.
Tell her to go there herself.
All right?
With all her fucking world traveling money.
My gut tells me,
do not get back together with this girl.
Don't.
All right?
There's other fish in the sea
and they don't go across the sea
and say that they're coming back
and then don't come back
and then go over more seas
and then go fuck some land fish.
That didn't make any sense
but you know what the fuck
I'm talking about.
All right?
Come on, man.
Step outside this shit.
Look what she's doing.
She's coming back to town.
She's coming back to town
like a fucking sailor.
She ought to come in on a tall ship
with all those little fucking hats on.
Fuck that, dude.
All right?
If she breaks your heart again,
don't fucking write to me
because you deserve it.
You don't deserve it.
Nobody deserves it.
But come on.
All right.
That's what I would say.
Oh, what did he say?
For some reason,
she can't understand
how selfish she was.
That's because she's selfish.
How do I explain to this cunt
how fucked up she is?
Dude, yeah, look at you, man.
You're allowing her
to suck you back into her life.
Fuck that.
This is how you explain
how much of a cunt she was.
You stop taking her fucking calls.
You stop taking her emails
on Facebook, dude.
She's going to fucking do it to you again
like that bitch
does to fucking Charlie Brown.
Charles M. Schultz
was trying to teach you a lesson
when you read those cartoons.
That's what that whole story is about.
Every time he comes in
to kick the football
and she pulls it away,
Charles M. Schultz
was trying to say
a cunt is a cunt is a cunt.
All right?
But you just can't say that
back in the day.
You couldn't put that
in a newspaper.
All right.