Name: Bill Burr - Unjust Divorces
Uploaded: 2011-12-19T23:21:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Unjust Divorces' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-12-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Unjust Divorces' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-12-19. Transcript available.

Let's talk about something here that absolutely fucking enrages me, as opposed
to everything else that keeps me so nice and fucking calm.
Somebody sent me a story.
This is un-fucking-believable.
Some guy goes to jail, all right, for rape.
Listen to this.
A man who spent 25 years in prison for a crime he did not commit, all right?
He went to jail for the rape of some woman, and in 2008, after DNA proved he
could not have been the attacker, he was awarded $4 million compensation.
That's what he got, $4 million, you know, and sex offenders get treated the
worst in prison, all right?
So that guy, you know, let's just say he was just some regular dude.
He's like a fucking, you know, construction worker.
Maybe he took a couple of karate classes, whatever.
Now he's in fucking Thunderdome.
People want to beat him down.
Somebody's going to try to rape him or something.
We've all seen Shawshank Redemption.
This is what this guy went through for 25 fucking years, and he didn't even do
it.
Didn't even fucking do it.
So they give the guy $4 million.
You know something?
Those piece of shit banker motherfuckers are going to come in and tax him and
hit him for half of that.
You know, that should be tax fucking free.
But here's where it gets worse.
All right?
The guy faces a court battle to keep hold of the money he was awarded for his
wrongful conviction.
Because now his ex-wife, who divorced him three years into his life sentence,
has taken him to court in a bid to get a share of the $4 million compensation.
She claims he owes her the money that she would have been entitled to had they
divorced and shared their assets.
Can you fucking believe this shit?
This guy went to jail for the worst fucking crime.
All right?
One of them.
It's got to be up there if you want to fucking argue about it.
Right?
He didn't even do it.
He's sitting there going, honey, I didn't do this.
You got to stick by my side.
She hangs in there for three years.
Go fuck yourself.
I'm out of here.
What do you think she's been doing for the last fucking 22 years?
As far as I can tell, besides not working on a career, she's been out there
sucking a whole bunch of other dicks.
That's what she's been doing.
So now it turns out that this motherfucker didn't do it.
Okay?
And she's stuck by his fucking side.
Stuck by his fucking side.
This right here is a Hollywood movie.
But she fucking left.
All right?
She left until her stankin' puss smelt all that fucking money.
All right?
And this is what I want to know.
Why isn't this fucking show on The View right now?
On one of those shows with all the ladies.
Why isn't it on those shows?
Why do they constantly show only guys doing shit to women?
You know?
I get it.
Some fucking psycho throws acid on his ex-girlfriend.
You got to expose that guy.
You got to teach people about that shit.
But how about a little bit of fair and balanced reporting?
You think they're going to go after this fucking thing?
You think if those fucking whores saw this story in the green room, you'd think
they'd be like,
Oh, you know what?
Maybe we should talk about this.
They're never talking about shit like this.
All they do is talk about when bad shit happens to women.
And if I, like this shit here that I'm talking about would come off as fucking
misogynistic.
Hatred towards women.
It's unreal.
Well, you're taking this isolated, this isolated incident and then you know I'm
not.
This isn't an isolated incident.
Sugar Shane Mosley's getting a divorce.
One of the greatest boxers of all time.
His ex-wife not only taking his fucking money.
All right?
She wants the championship belts too.
And she was awarded them.
This kind of shit happens all the fucking time.
Un-fucking-believable.
Can you find, and I'll tell you what the funny thing is.
She's going to get some money.
She'll get money out of it.
The same way you hold the door for them.
They don't pay for their fucking drinks.
They turn around and get hammered.
Throw a drink in your face.
And then the bouncer puts you in a chokehold.
Drags you out.
And then you go to court for disturbing the fucking peace.
And what the fuck does she do?
She's in there feeling justified, wondering if, you know, she has a lawsuit
against you because she dislocated her elbow when she threw a beer bottle at
your fucking head.
Un-fucking-believable.
I swear to God, if I could do life over again, I would be a judge.
You know?
And I would have a whole briefcase full of hammers because by the end of the
day, I would throw them at so many of these cunts fucking heads.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You know, I couldn't.
Then I would just be, he hates women.
I would be disbarred within two seconds.
Oh, I would love to be a judge.
Lady, you might be the most...
If I could throw someone in prison for being an absolutely reprehensible, incurable,
fucking money-grubbing whore, it would be you.
But I can't.
The law does not allow me.
So why don't you do me a favor?
In a room full of perverts and scumbags, you are the worst.
So get out of my fucking courtroom and make it a little cleaner.
You fucking piece of shit.
I don't know.
This isn't even funny anymore.
That's just absolutely fucking ridiculous.
And what's even more ridiculous is the lack of national exposure a story like
that's going to get.
So you know what?
So let's keep a tally, shall we?
We'll start with the sugar shame Mosley.
Something, you know, he's going through a divorce.
She also has to get the fucking championship belts.
You know, why?
Because they match her fucking shoes or because it's a vindictive move and she's
trying to break a man.
You know?
We'll go with like the lighter ones.
Kobe Bryant's getting a divorce.
Okay?
He's worth $380 million.
That means his fucking wife is going to get $190 million.
Probably can't hit a layup on a fucking Nerf hoop set.
You know?
And a bunch of broads will be like, yeah, she's entitled to it.
She supported him!
Un-fucking-believable.
Just robbing these guys fucking blind.
What about that goddamn yellow diamond-y barter?
Why don't you go take that down to a pawn shop and live off that for the rest
of your fucking life?
All right there, ringless?
Un-fucking-believable.
How many more men are going to get sliced in half with these fucking, it's
unbelievable.
It's un-fucking-believable and they don't do any stories about it.
And when you bring it up, well, you know, we shouldn't have married her.
Yeah, she should have ducked.
What if I said that, right?
That I'm a fucking asshole?
Oh, Bill, where did the Christmas go?
What happened to the holidays, Georgia?
Oh, fuck.
I can't believe I gotta go Christmas shopping.
Unbelievable.
All right, so there you go.
If you want to look up that story, we actually got that story from a great
website called Barstool Sports.
It's all Boston shit, so just to warn you if you're a sports fan of other
sports.
But, you know, they do have stories like this.
All right?
The guy's name's Stephen Phillips.
His ex-wife is named Tracy Trucker.
Oh, what a cunt.
Dude, that is first ballot Hall of Fame cunt right there.
No question.
We're waving the five-year rule.
You're going right in.