Name: Bill Burr - McDonald's Beat Down
Uploaded: 2011-12-27T01:32:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - McDonald's Beat Down' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-12-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - McDonald's Beat Down' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2011-12-27. Transcript available.

Which brings me to our one and only YouTube video of the week.
Did you guys see the beat down at McDonald's where that dude was standing there
and these two ladies came into the McDonald's?
It's the one right down there on, you get off to West 4th Street, E-Train,
right there down in the village, you know, two blocks over, Joe's Pizza.
That's a good slice of pizza.
All right, right as you come out of there, Spike Lee's probably filming people
playing basketball and handball going, yo, this is New York City, right?
I trashed him on Twitter yesterday.
He was talking shit about my Boston Celtics, you know?
So I said something, but I kept it funny, hoping that he would still put me
in one of his movies, you know, and I could either play a complete nerdy white
guy
who doesn't understand black people or an over-the-top racist.
Anyways, I give a fuck, get me in a movie, I'll do it.
So anyways, that McDonald's down there.
So these two ladies, they walk into the McDonald's, okay,
and they try and buy a goddamn Big Mac and a Happy Meal,
and they throw a $50 bill on the counter.
Right there, major red flag.
Who the fuck pays for McDonald's with a $50 bill?
Who even has $50 and is going to go into McDonald's?
Nobody.
There's not been a $50 bill in McDonald's since they started that fucking place.
So these ladies try to pass this $50, and the guy behind the counter,
he starts looking at the $50, and he's like,
excuse me, ladies, I don't think that this is real.
So they go, listen, motherfucker, you better give us a goddamn fish fillet
and whatever, quarter pounder with cheese,
and give us our fucking change, or we're going to fuck you up.
And he said, I don't think so.
And then this girl just hauls off and slaps the guy.
Slaps him.
And then the other one, and then she climbs up over the counter.
Now the other one just starts just really slowly just walking around the
counter,
like, well, I guess we got to fuck this guy up.
This is what we do, and the guy backs up into the friolator area,
and I don't know where the fuck he found this goddamn lead pipe.
It was like a cartoon.
You know, like in the cartoons when Bugs Bunny would just sort of,
you know, he'd be standing sideways.
You'd have a side view, and he'd have a problem,
and he would just turn to the blind side,
and all of a sudden he'd have a giant hammer,
and he'd hit Elmer Fudd over the head,
and you'd be like, where the fuck did that come from?
Was that leaning up against his right rabbit leg, and I didn't see it?
How did Elmer Fudd not fucking see it?
Huh, with that gigantic head of his.
How did he not view that as a threat?
This guy did the real-life version of that.
He was backing up, backing up, and he was next to some french fries,
and next thing you know, he's got this lead pipe.
Oh, and he just fucking starts wearing these girls out with it.
Bam, bam, bam.
I got to give it up to those girls.
They took a good three, four each, and then they disappeared
under the counter, and he just keeps fucking hitting them.
Bam, bam, bam.
And this lady's going, stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
And this guy's, he just fucking...
He won't stop fucking hitting them.
Excuse me, is that something you really want to do?
Instead, she's going, stop it!
Stop it!
And this guy's, he just fucking...
He won't stop hitting them!
Will not stop fucking hitting them.
All right?
So, you know how this shit works.
Fucking two ladies attack a guy.
Doesn't make a difference.
They can sit there and slap you around like you're a fucking cartoon.
You're supposed to be like, um, they're women.
I need to respect them.
This guy said, fuck that.
Fuck that.
And, like, Bugs Bunny turned to the side,
and there was this magic lead pipe,
and he fucking kicked the shit out of both of them.
So, of course, he gets arrested for assault.
And I got to admit,
I was totally supporting what he was doing
through the first 37 hits.
It's the last 19 that I'm just like,
all right, all right.
Okay.
Okay.
Neil was saying he actually was like that dude in Drive
when he stomped that kid's,
that guy's head in in the elevator.
He kind of went to that level.
But at the end of the day,
I'm like, well, that's why you don't go around
slapping people in the fucking face.
Because they might have gone to magician school,
and they know how to magically
have a fucking goddamn lead pipe out of nowhere.
All right, so this guy's going to trial,
and I'm thinking there's no fucking way.
Then you find out this dude actually has a record.
This guy went to jail for manslaughter.
All right.
And he got out.
And there's only two places that you can get a job
after you've gone to jail for manslaughter.
You can either get into show business,
or you can work at McDonald's.
All right?
You can't get a job at fucking Macy's.
There is a glass ceiling.
When you go to jail for fucking manslaughter, that's it.
Unless your dad owns a company.
You can get into sales.
You can sell somebody a fucking piece of shit car,
but you're not selling a Mercedes.
You're going to be at Sam's hot car lot down the street.
Right?
Reservoir Dogs, anybody?
That's why right there, okay,
before I even continue talking about this story,
that right there,
ladies and gentlemen,
is why you don't walk around
slapping perfect strangers in the face.
It's because you don't know their backstory.
You don't know what they've done.
You don't know what they're capable of doing.
This is a guy who already took somebody's life,
and you're looking at him like,
oh, hey, what's up there, McFrench Fry guy?
Take this 50,
or I'm going to slap the shit out of you,
and you don't realize
that this guy has been in fucking prison.
All right?
He probably knows how to turn that piece of paper
with Ulysses S. Grant,
turn that into a fucking shank somehow.
He figured out how to fucking do it.
You know what I mean?
So,
these two ladies
get
an unbelievable life lesson
in why you can't walk around
acting like
you're some action hero in real life.
So, anyway,
so it goes to trial,
and I can't fucking believe it.
I'm like,
there's no way this guy's not getting convicted.
He's fucking,
he's a guy,
he beat down two women
with a fucking pipe,
he went above and beyond
with this shit,
and he has a record.
It's fucking over.
Right?
It's over.
He's not rich.
You know?
It's over.
This guy is going to jail.
I can't fucking believe it.
He got off.
The guy got acquitted.
So,
for once,
on the podcast,
I'm actually happy.
And I can tell you this,
if they convicted him
of a lesser charge
because he just kept hitting them,
I wouldn't have been mad
because I would have been like,
dude,
they were down.
They were fucking down,
and they were down,
and then they were part of the tile,
and you were still fucking hitting them.
We have this clip,
by the way,
on the MMPodcast page
has now been turned over.
The new fan page
is just billbird.com.
You just go to my podcast page.
And anyways,
we'll have the video up there
and all that shit.
So anyways,
he got off,
and they charged the women with shit,
and I don't think
that they're getting off.
They'll probably get lesser
because they're women.
You know what I mean?
And that's just,
women always get less time,
it seems.
You know?
Because at the end of the day,
the judge thinks,
well,
maybe if I give them
a little less time,
they'll come over here
and blow me under my robe.
I don't know what the deal is.
I told you that story
a few weeks ago
when I saw that,
this amazing trumpet player.
You know,
and I was like,
man,
I never heard of this guy,
and I found out
he was murdered
by his fucking girlfriend
in 1972,
and she got out of jail
in 1978.
I would go to jail
longer for parking tickets
than she did
for killing a guy.
Shot him right up
on the bandstand.
Took out a gun
and fucking shot this.
They had an argument.
She left.
She came back with the gun
and she shot this dude
on the fucking bandstand,
all these goddamn witnesses,
and she did that in 72
and was out by 78.
So let's just say
they flew through her trial,
sent her right to trial.
She still only did
five and a half years.
I don't know.
I don't know how
that fucking works.
And I bet
she was able
to forgive herself,
the fucking sociopath
that she is,
and she was able
to go on and live her life,
and then that guy
is in the ground
cold as his goddamn trumpet.