Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Betrayed By Friend and Girlfriend
Uploaded: 2012-01-17T04:42:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Betrayed By Friend and Girlfriend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-01-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Betrayed By Friend and Girlfriend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-01-17. Transcript available.

Alright, dear Bill, last year I broke up with my girlfriend at two years.
She was always kind of a basket case, but nothing ever too severe.
Towards the end of the relationship, she began to treat me like shit,
especially when she was drunk in public.
Yeah, because she wanted to break up with you and didn't know how.
That's probably why.
Finally, I called it quits.
However, being the horny, lazy 21-year-old I am,
let me guess, you ran right back to the hornet's nest, didn't you?
I decided to keep hooking up with her for several months.
Everything but sex.
Ah, Jesus.
Yeah, she's slowly tearing the Band-Aid off.
This seemingly worked out because we shared a group of friends and everything
seemed fine.
Yes, I know, I was an idiot.
Alright, I'm going to guess where this is going to go.
One night, she starts making out with your best friend.
That's what I'm guessing.
Eventually, I start telling her that I was going to try and see other girls
and that we should stop.
But when it didn't work out with them,
I went back to getting with her.
Yeah, dude, you're fucking lazy.
What are you doing?
So finally, after months of this shit,
I told her that enough was enough.
It was at this point that she confessed to me
she had been with a very good friend of mine.
Bang!
Several times.
Now I know what you guys are thinking.
He reads this shit before.
No, I didn't.
I swear to God.
Alright?
I already called the Giants beating the fucking Packers a month ago.
I don't need to be right about this.
Alright?
This is all out of experience.
Oh, you fucking cunt.
Here we go.
With a very good friend of mine several times.
Both before and after.
Oh, before and after our breakup.
Now why did she confess that to you?
You know what it is?
They're such fucking cunts.
She kept you around as, you know,
she was getting over you.
And now you pulled the ripcord first,
which is what she wanted to do.
So now what she's trying to do is she's trying to hurt you.
So she has to tell you that.
They're such cunts.
You know something?
I wouldn't even know
if I broke up with Nia,
how to somehow insert myself
into her friendship with her best friends
to fucking ruin that.
Anyways.
When I asked her questions,
she said she made out with them several times
and they had a couple of hand jobs
slash fingering escapades
at this point I was fucking furious,
but I kept my cool.
That's good, man.
Don't give her that satisfaction.
I showed up unannounced at his place the next day
and asked him if it was true.
He told me that she was lying
and that they had only drunkenly made out
once after the breakup.
I went back and forth between the two of them
until finally he fessed up
and confirmed that her story was true.
I haven't spoken to him since around August
and since then I have ceased contact
with the ex-girlfriend
and have a new
ten times better girlfriend in my life.
More sex, nicer, non-psycho.
Good for you.
The other day,
the guy texted me
with this.
I was wondering if I could take you
to coffee or something soon.
I want to apologize in person.
If not, I understand.
To which I replied,
I'll be in touch.
This guy was a dear friend of mine
and since I found out about the cheating,
he has respectfully kept his distance
despite the fact that he used to be
at my place all the time
and still hangs out with my roommates.
In addition,
in the next few months,
we'll be working together
on a project for school
and there's nothing I can do to change that.
What should I do here?
I'm not really a grudge-holding kind of guy,
but this motherfucker
was screwing around with my girl one minute
then hanging out with me the next.
In addition,
the girl said that the reason
she started acting so mean towards me,
so mean to me
towards the end of the relationship
was because of the guilt she had
regarding the cheating.
Fucking broads, he writes.
And the guy tried to weasel his way out of it
when I confronted him with the truth.
It's the worst I've ever been betrayed by a friend.
I don't know if I could stomach
having this guy hanging out
with my roommates in my house
knowing what he did,
but some say forgiveness is better
than staying angry.
I don't want to look like a bitch
that can be walked over.
What should I do?
All right.
The vindictive side of me says
go back and become best friends
with this guy
and then run into your ex-girlfriend
and fucking laugh at her
as you compare notes
about what's the best way to finger her.
All right.
Which is stupid.
This is what you should do.
Meet the guy for coffee.
You know.
He says he's sorry.
Say, hey, don't worry about it.
And when he says,
hey, can we be friends again?
Be like, no.
No, we can't.
I totally forgive you.
God bless you.
Good luck in life.
I look forward to working with you
on this project,
but no, we can't be friends.
You know.
You're a goddamn fox
in the fucking hen house.
I'm going to let you back
in the hen house.
Go fuck yourself.
I got a new girlfriend.
She's ten times better to look at.
You know, you did me a favor.
Good luck.
But you know what, dude?
I know you feel bad
about what you did,
but at the end of the day,
you're a guy
who will try and fuck
your best friend's girlfriend.
I don't want a friend like that
in my life.
Okay?
But you don't have to feel
awkward around me.
I'll see you in the fucking bars.
We'll fist bump
and all that shit.
I'll have a beer with you,
but no.
That's it.
And there you go.
And that's your keys
to happiness right there.
You got to cut people out.
Fuck that guy.
If that guy was in the mob,
what he did,
he would get whacked.
Okay?
So what you're doing
is you're not in the mob.
You're going to whack this guy
in a way that you're not in the mob,
which is,
you're just like,
oh my God,
I'm like so not talking to you.
That's what people
who aren't in the mob.
That's what you got to do.
Fuck him.
Fuck that guy.
You know,
I know he's young
and fucking immature.
They may be 10 years
down the fucking road
when he's married
and miserable.
Or whatever.
Who knows?
But dude,
you don't need shit like that.
This is your life.
Right now,
you're trying to find
the right fucking woman
you're going to spend
the rest of your life with
and then you got to put together
your fucking untouchables.
Your group of friends.
You want to have friends
that you know
that if you were away
and you said,
hey,
look after my girl.
The guy wouldn't try
and fuck her.
That's a very hard find.
That's a very hard
friend to find.
And that guy isn't.
He flunked the test.
The lock the door test.
Don't figure my girlfriend
when I'm not around test.
He flunked it.
You're fucking dead to me.
But yeah,
forgive the guy
so you don't carry
this anger around.
That's what I would do.
But don't let that guy back in.
You know,
he did it once.
He's going to do it again.
Right?
Frog and the scorpion.
Can't help it.
That's who I am.