Name: Bill Burr&Nia- Follow-Up On Wife Texting Workout Instructor
Uploaded: 2012-01-24T05:04:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia- Follow-Up On Wife Texting Workout Instructor' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-01-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia- Follow-Up On Wife Texting Workout Instructor' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-01-24. Transcript available.

Sexting.
Sexting, all right.
This isn't really, well, this is about this guy.
Remember I told you that story about that dude.
He worked for some corporation, Sea of Cubicles, all right?
And I'm sure he's on some sort of team.
Right.
And everybody has to do some sort of song before they go in there,
like those poor kids who work at them.
Morale-building exercises.
Yeah, like those people who work at the Cold Stone Creamery.
You ever see that?
With like making like the goddamn ice cream going, hi-ho, hi-ho.
It's off to work.
I just, like a part of me dies when I see that, when I just see people like,
it's like basically watching someone work in like an ice cream death camp
when I'm in there.
None of them are happy.
None of them dreamed of doing that.
Ice cream death camp.
Maybe if you're like a fatty, you know, when you got a job at an ice cream
store,
kind of like a pedophile getting a job at like a Cub Scout camp.
Wow.
You know?
Isn't that where they always end up?
I love working with kids.
Oh, God.
You know?
I said that last week.
Follow your dreams unless you're a pedophile.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
So then using that, I shouldn't say that I have a problem with fatty's working
in the ice cream store.
Let's get to this shit.
So anyways, so they're going to get everybody in shape.
So they hire some sort of personal trainer and he's training everybody.
All right?
And what he does is he gets everybody's emails.
Right.
Great move on this guy's part.
Fucking great move.
Now he doesn't have to deal with them face to face.
And if there's any fucking hotties he wants to bang, he can take it to the next
level.
Sure.
Perfect.
Yeah.
That's how you do it.
It's okay.
Shooting fish in a fucking barrel or fish in barrels in a shooting gallery.
So anyways, so all of a sudden this guy notices that, you know, he gets one
text going,
hey, Brad, you know, just do a couple more jumping jacks and you should be fine.
But for some reason his little haughty wife has to get like 40 fucking texts
from this guy
at like 1130 at night.
Oh, I do remember this.
Yeah.
He and his wife work at the same place, obviously.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
I work at the same place, right?
So he fucking, he finds out about, he keeps asking his wife.
I remember this.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I'm going to recap for people who didn't listen last week.
All right.
So he keeps asking his, he keeps catching his wife late at night, texting,
going, and he
goes, who are you texting?
And she would immediately slam the phone shut because she's got a flip phone,
evidently,
and would say nobody, either would say nobody or would get mad and say nobody.
Right.
So this guy's not a moron.
He figures out something's up.
Sure.
He's in, he's into some sort of fucking Spygate shit where he's at.
He hacks into her thing, gets her password and sees that all these text
messages back and
forth to the trainer.
So what does he do?
He's a goddamn man.
Does he slap his fucking wife around?
No.
He goes right to the trainer and says, hey.
Slaps him around.
And says, hey, sport.
No, because you get sued.
You get sued for that now.
You get sued for kicking somebody's ass when you're right.
Yeah.
You go, he goes, hey, sport, why don't you do me a favor and stop texting my
fucking wife
in all hours of the night.
So then Sporto there immediately starts acting like a bitch around him, starts
acting overly
nice.
Like, you know, what all guilty people do.
Right.
If he was innocent, he would have got mad.
Sure.
Be like, dude, what the fuck are you talking about?
I always text people about how to get, make their core stronger at two in the
morning.
I'm dedicated.
Maybe you should be inspired by what I'm doing.
I specifically am interested in women having a strong core because they're so
beaten down
in society.
You know, he would have come back with some shit like that, but he didn't.
Now he's all like, hey man, how are you?
With this whole, please don't beat the shit out of me and expose me for being
the dirtbag
I am.
So I lose this giant money making client here.
Right.
So anyways, she denies the whole fucking thing.
So he sent a couple of, actually a couple of texts that this girl wrote.
They were talking about the Beatles and he writes, all those damn Beatles songs
make my
stomach hurt when I listen to them because it reminds me of getting ready to go
see you.
They give me anxiety.
This is what the trainer is writing to this guy's wife.
Now, what sort of exercise are they talking about there?
Is that, uh, what is that?
Is that pushups?
So then she writes back, all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
Oh God.
Right?
And then he said, I remember you asking me if I related to that song, if I
related that
song to you because I thought you were lonely.
It's talking about our fucking marriage.
Yeah.
Oh, this guy.
This guy's a dirtbag.
It's the classic guy.
I love him.
It's the classic.
He listens to me.
Yeah.
Oh, this guy.
He's just saying everything.
He listens to me.
We talk about music.
Yeah.
My feelings.
Oh yeah.
My husband doesn't do that.
Right.
And what it is, is his dick is, is, is downloading all the knowledge in this
guy's brain that he
has about human beings.
And he's just giving her, and the dick is just, is, is, is basically sitting in
the Captain
Kirk chair.
He's just fucking anything she wants to hear.
So anyways, um, then he writes another one.
He said, I know fuck my life.
I wear my fuck my life to sleep and I have a confession to make.
I also wear your panties.
She goes, LOL, shut up.
He writes, it's true.
So I don't know what kind of fucking shit this guy's into, but the real
question is not whether
or not that that's socially acceptable.
The real question is, how did he get this married woman's panties?
He at least finger blasted her.
Would you go with me on that?
I mean, if, I mean, maybe he's just saying that to be just like controversial.
That's what I thought.
But she goes, LOL, shut up.
He goes, it's true.
Yeah, but he just still may be joking around.
Were you talking to the mic?
Oh, he may just still be joking around, but if he is wearing, but if he is, she
gave it
to him.
How else would he have him?
And they're talking about the Beatles and shit.
She gave it to him.
If it's true.
Okay.
So that's basically what I'm saying.
So he's fucking, he's got her fucking panties.
They're both adults.
I'm guessing by this, she's like in her thirties.
What is he doing?
Fingering her and taking her out for a malt?
He's banging her.
He fucking banged her.
This fucking piece of shit.
Who'd be a great movie kid.
This is a great character for a fucking movie.
So anyways, he said, and this is what he said.
His wife, she's still denying this whole conversation ever happened.
She's just in complete, obviously denial.
She's in denial.
He said, I'm dumping her.
Not for the reminiscing talk, but for, but for lying to me.
He's not interested in trying to, uh, please say that Nia.
And I swear to God, I'm going to throw my computer at you.
I will throw this fucking computer at you.
Are you fucking, he's not interested in what?
I don't know.
Working it out.
Don't throw it at me.
No, no, no.
Go ahead.
I'm just going to leave you in dead silence.
Go ahead.
Tell me.
No, no, no, no, no.
I just, I don't know.
No, he's well within his right.
I was just posing a question.
That's all.
Well within his right.
I don't understand why she, it doesn't just fess up then.
All right.
That's a whole nother topic.
That's a whole nother topic.
I mean, what?
I just feel like, no, you know what it is?
What is the move here?
What is the move here other than walking away?
What is missing?
No, I feel like part of the story is missing or something.
What?
The video of them fucking?
Is that what's missing?
What else is missing?
Yeah.
If he's like, hey.
Nia, if you start blaming him for not paying attention and that's why she's
fucking this guy,
I will, I will fucking throw you out of this room.
All right.
No, I'm not.
Calm down.
That's not what I'm doing.
I'm just saying.
So he says to her, are you cheating on, are you fucking this guy?
And she's like, no, shut up.
What are you talking about?
And she just flat out denied.
I don't understand how she can flat out deny something as hard for.
She's a lying piece of shit.
That's why I'm saying.
Because she's a lying piece of shit.
What is going on?
Nia.
Yeah, but if you have something and you're like looking at it, like this is
what you wrote,
how are you denying it?
Because she just, that's what denial is.
You're totally in denial.
I don't have a drinking problem.
Is you fucking drinking NyQuil?
I think it tastes good.
I don't have a problem.
Right.
Yeah.
I like sleeping.
You know?
Yeah.
You know what it is?
I'm just making sure you keep speaking to the mic.
This is what you keep doing.
I want people to hear what you have to say.
Oh, okay.
All right.
All right.
But this is good shit.
And I'm ruining it?
No.
You're saying it off mic.
Good fucking Lord.
You know what kills me?
Is she was still like, it's just, I don't know.
I'm going to, I'm going to piss you off right now.
You ladies will defend.
Because you guys defend each other.
Like right there.
I'm not defending her.
If a guy did that.
I'm not defending her.
Well, let me, can I get out my, what I'm going to say?
If a guy did that shit, you'd be like, dump his ass.
Girl, he's a fucking loser.
You can do better than that.
Call me.
We'll eat a little moon pie.
I'll build you up.
That's what the fuck you would have done.
But because, yeah, I just feel like some part of the story is missing.
What is missing?
I guess nothing.
Thank you, Nia.
Thank you for being on the podcast.
Yeah.
Is that what you wanted?
You just wanted me to come on and agree with you?
It took a good fucking 20 minutes.
Yeah.
Not agree with me.
Agree with the decision this guy made.
This isn't about me, Nia.
Please.
Okay?
I'm just a messenger here.
Sure.
You know?
I'm just trying to do what's right out here.
Because it's very clear what's happening.
And you've got someone who's just like, I don't know what you're talking about.
All right.
Here's the deal.
Man or woman.
If the person you're with is texting past, I would even, for regular people who
aren't
in show business.
The booty hour starts after 11, I would say.
After 11?
Yeah.
Okay.
But that's with somebody you're already fucking.
Okay?
I know you don't understand it because you don't have to talk yourself into it.
Guys, we have to spin the plates from the second we meet her all the way
through.
So you've got to be setting it up.
Okay.
I've always considered it.
7.30 is too creepy and stalkerish.
And I would say you start going past 9.30, she's going to feel like she's some
sort of
tramp.
If you haven't fucked her yet, right?
So you've got to, there's that window.
Uh-huh.
About 8.15 to about 9.07.
You have to do the setup text.
Okay?
And the setup text is not talking about pussy.
It's go, oh, you know, I'm watching blah, blah, blah on TV, so-and-so is so
ridiculous,
some sort of fucking, just to get it going.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Something that seems very benign.
Yeah, like a boxer.
You feel him out in the first round.
Or the Beatles.
Yeah, you don't load it up, right?
You're feeling it up.
Yeah, that's what they're doing.
Right.
This fucking guy.
This fucking guy.
This fucking guy.
You know something, as much as a piece of shit as that guy is, if he writes a
book,
I would read it in a second.
Why?
Because, you know, he's got great, I mean,
the position he has, that's like when I used to take, I used to take that yoga
class when
I was out here, and there was that guy out in Santa Monica, and he was a
phenomenal fucking
teacher.
Right.
And this place was jam-packed, and it was by donation only, so then for tax
purposes,
I think he falls under a church.
I know it helped him with taxes, and it's all in cash, so it's all good, all
right?
And then the hottest fucking women, some of the hottest women ever move out to
LA to become
actresses, okay?
He's got them in his class, getting them all stretched out before he bangs them.
It was one of the greatest, it was fucking airtight.
Yeah.
And he would go around the class, and somehow me, having never touched my toes
since I was
in the womb, was somehow always doing every position correctly, yet all these
other hotties
always needed to be adjusted.
Yeah.
Right around the psoas.
So I don't get mad at a guy who's got a good thing, but you know, stay away
from the fucking
married ladies.
Yes.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.

Bill Burr&Nia- Follow-Up On Wife Texting Workout Instructor

Sexting.
Sexting, all right.
This isn't really, well, this is about this guy.
Remember I told you that story about that dude.
He worked for some corporation, Sea of Cubicles, all right?
And I'm sure he's on some sort of team.
Right.
And everybody has to do some sort of song before they go in there,
like those poor kids who work at them.
Morale-building exercises.
Yeah, like those people who work at the Cold Stone Creamery.
You ever see that?
With like making like the goddamn ice cream going, hi-ho, hi-ho.
It's off to work.
I just, like a part of me dies when I see that, when I just see people like,
it's like basically watching someone work in like an ice cream death camp
when I'm in there.
None of them are happy.
None of them dreamed of doing that.
Ice cream death camp.
Maybe if you're like a fatty, you know, when you got a job at an ice cream
store,
kind of like a pedophile getting a job at like a Cub Scout camp.
Wow.
You know?
Isn't that where they always end up?
I love working with kids.
Oh, God.
You know?
I said that last week.
Follow your dreams unless you're a pedophile.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
So then using that, I shouldn't say that I have a problem with fatty's working
in the ice cream store.
Let's get to this shit.
So anyways, so they're going to get everybody in shape.
So they hire some sort of personal trainer and he's training everybody.
All right?
And what he does is he gets everybody's emails.
Right.
Great move on this guy's part.
Fucking great move.
Now he doesn't have to deal with them face to face.
And if there's any fucking hotties he wants to bang, he can take it to the next
level.
Sure.
Perfect.
Yeah.
That's how you do it.
It's okay.
Shooting fish in a fucking barrel or fish in barrels in a shooting gallery.
So anyways, so all of a sudden this guy notices that, you know, he gets one
text going,
hey, Brad, you know, just do a couple more jumping jacks and you should be fine.
But for some reason his little haughty wife has to get like 40 fucking texts
from this guy
at like 1130 at night.
Oh, I do remember this.
Yeah.
He and his wife work at the same place, obviously.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
I work at the same place, right?
So he fucking, he finds out about, he keeps asking his wife.
I remember this.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I'm going to recap for people who didn't listen last week.
All right.
So he keeps asking his, he keeps catching his wife late at night, texting,
going, and he
goes, who are you texting?
And she would immediately slam the phone shut because she's got a flip phone,
evidently,
and would say nobody, either would say nobody or would get mad and say nobody.
Right.
So this guy's not a moron.
He figures out something's up.
Sure.
He's in, he's into some sort of fucking Spygate shit where he's at.
He hacks into her thing, gets her password and sees that all these text
messages back and
forth to the trainer.
So what does he do?
He's a goddamn man.
Does he slap his fucking wife around?
No.
He goes right to the trainer and says, hey.
Slaps him around.
And says, hey, sport.
No, because you get sued.
You get sued for that now.
You get sued for kicking somebody's ass when you're right.
Yeah.
You go, he goes, hey, sport, why don't you do me a favor and stop texting my
fucking wife
in all hours of the night.
So then Sporto there immediately starts acting like a bitch around him, starts
acting overly
nice.
Like, you know, what all guilty people do.
Right.
If he was innocent, he would have got mad.
Sure.
Be like, dude, what the fuck are you talking about?
I always text people about how to get, make their core stronger at two in the
morning.
I'm dedicated.
Maybe you should be inspired by what I'm doing.
I specifically am interested in women having a strong core because they're so
beaten down
in society.
You know, he would have come back with some shit like that, but he didn't.
Now he's all like, hey man, how are you?
With this whole, please don't beat the shit out of me and expose me for being
the dirtbag
I am.
So I lose this giant money making client here.
Right.
So anyways, she denies the whole fucking thing.
So he sent a couple of, actually a couple of texts that this girl wrote.
They were talking about the Beatles and he writes, all those damn Beatles songs
make my
stomach hurt when I listen to them because it reminds me of getting ready to go
see you.
They give me anxiety.
This is what the trainer is writing to this guy's wife.
Now, what sort of exercise are they talking about there?
Is that, uh, what is that?
Is that pushups?
So then she writes back, all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
Oh God.
Right?
And then he said, I remember you asking me if I related to that song, if I
related that
song to you because I thought you were lonely.
It's talking about our fucking marriage.
Yeah.
Oh, this guy.
This guy's a dirtbag.
It's the classic guy.
I love him.
It's the classic.
He listens to me.
Yeah.
Oh, this guy.
He's just saying everything.
He listens to me.
We talk about music.
Yeah.
My feelings.
Oh yeah.
My husband doesn't do that.
Right.
And what it is, is his dick is, is, is downloading all the knowledge in this
guy's brain that he
has about human beings.
And he's just giving her, and the dick is just, is, is, is basically sitting in
the Captain
Kirk chair.
He's just fucking anything she wants to hear.
So anyways, um, then he writes another one.
He said, I know fuck my life.
I wear my fuck my life to sleep and I have a confession to make.
I also wear your panties.
She goes, LOL, shut up.
He writes, it's true.
So I don't know what kind of fucking shit this guy's into, but the real
question is not whether
or not that that's socially acceptable.
The real question is, how did he get this married woman's panties?
He at least finger blasted her.
Would you go with me on that?
I mean, if, I mean, maybe he's just saying that to be just like controversial.
That's what I thought.
But she goes, LOL, shut up.
He goes, it's true.
Yeah, but he just still may be joking around.
Were you talking to the mic?
Oh, he may just still be joking around, but if he is wearing, but if he is, she
gave it
to him.
How else would he have him?
And they're talking about the Beatles and shit.
She gave it to him.
If it's true.
Okay.
So that's basically what I'm saying.
So he's fucking, he's got her fucking panties.
They're both adults.
I'm guessing by this, she's like in her thirties.
What is he doing?
Fingering her and taking her out for a malt?
He's banging her.
He fucking banged her.
This fucking piece of shit.
Who'd be a great movie kid.
This is a great character for a fucking movie.
So anyways, he said, and this is what he said.
His wife, she's still denying this whole conversation ever happened.
She's just in complete, obviously denial.
She's in denial.
He said, I'm dumping her.
Not for the reminiscing talk, but for, but for lying to me.
He's not interested in trying to, uh, please say that Nia.
And I swear to God, I'm going to throw my computer at you.
I will throw this fucking computer at you.
Are you fucking, he's not interested in what?
I don't know.
Working it out.
Don't throw it at me.
No, no, no.
Go ahead.
I'm just going to leave you in dead silence.
Go ahead.
Tell me.
No, no, no, no, no.
I just, I don't know.
No, he's well within his right.
I was just posing a question.
That's all.
Well within his right.
I don't understand why she, it doesn't just fess up then.
All right.
That's a whole nother topic.
That's a whole nother topic.
I mean, what?
I just feel like, no, you know what it is?
What is the move here?
What is the move here other than walking away?
What is missing?
No, I feel like part of the story is missing or something.
What?
The video of them fucking?
Is that what's missing?
What else is missing?
Yeah.
If he's like, hey.
Nia, if you start blaming him for not paying attention and that's why she's
fucking this guy,
I will, I will fucking throw you out of this room.
All right.
No, I'm not.
Calm down.
That's not what I'm doing.
I'm just saying.
So he says to her, are you cheating on, are you fucking this guy?
And she's like, no, shut up.
What are you talking about?
And she just flat out denied.
I don't understand how she can flat out deny something as hard for.
She's a lying piece of shit.
That's why I'm saying.
Because she's a lying piece of shit.
What is going on?
Nia.
Yeah, but if you have something and you're like looking at it, like this is
what you wrote,
how are you denying it?
Because she just, that's what denial is.
You're totally in denial.
I don't have a drinking problem.
Is you fucking drinking NyQuil?
I think it tastes good.
I don't have a problem.
Right.
Yeah.
I like sleeping.
You know?
Yeah.
You know what it is?
I'm just making sure you keep speaking to the mic.
This is what you keep doing.
I want people to hear what you have to say.
Oh, okay.
All right.
All right.
But this is good shit.
And I'm ruining it?
No.
You're saying it off mic.
Good fucking Lord.
You know what kills me?
Is she was still like, it's just, I don't know.
I'm going to, I'm going to piss you off right now.
You ladies will defend.
Because you guys defend each other.
Like right there.
I'm not defending her.
If a guy did that.
I'm not defending her.
Well, let me, can I get out my, what I'm going to say?
If a guy did that shit, you'd be like, dump his ass.
Girl, he's a fucking loser.
You can do better than that.
Call me.
We'll eat a little moon pie.
I'll build you up.
That's what the fuck you would have done.
But because, yeah, I just feel like some part of the story is missing.
What is missing?
I guess nothing.
Thank you, Nia.
Thank you for being on the podcast.
Yeah.
Is that what you wanted?
You just wanted me to come on and agree with you?
It took a good fucking 20 minutes.
Yeah.
Not agree with me.
Agree with the decision this guy made.
This isn't about me, Nia.
Please.
Okay?
I'm just a messenger here.
Sure.
You know?
I'm just trying to do what's right out here.
Because it's very clear what's happening.
And you've got someone who's just like, I don't know what you're talking about.
All right.
Here's the deal.
Man or woman.
If the person you're with is texting past, I would even, for regular people who
aren't
in show business.
The booty hour starts after 11, I would say.
After 11?
Yeah.
Okay.
But that's with somebody you're already fucking.
Okay?
I know you don't understand it because you don't have to talk yourself into it.
Guys, we have to spin the plates from the second we meet her all the way
through.
So you've got to be setting it up.
Okay.
I've always considered it.
7.30 is too creepy and stalkerish.
And I would say you start going past 9.30, she's going to feel like she's some
sort of
tramp.
If you haven't fucked her yet, right?
So you've got to, there's that window.
Uh-huh.
About 8.15 to about 9.07.
You have to do the setup text.
Okay?
And the setup text is not talking about pussy.
It's go, oh, you know, I'm watching blah, blah, blah on TV, so-and-so is so
ridiculous,
some sort of fucking, just to get it going.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Something that seems very benign.
Yeah, like a boxer.
You feel him out in the first round.
Or the Beatles.
Yeah, you don't load it up, right?
You're feeling it up.
Yeah, that's what they're doing.
Right.
This fucking guy.
This fucking guy.
This fucking guy.
You know something, as much as a piece of shit as that guy is, if he writes a
book,
I would read it in a second.
Why?
Because, you know, he's got great, I mean,
the position he has, that's like when I used to take, I used to take that yoga
class when
I was out here, and there was that guy out in Santa Monica, and he was a
phenomenal fucking
teacher.
Right.
And this place was jam-packed, and it was by donation only, so then for tax
purposes,
I think he falls under a church.
I know it helped him with taxes, and it's all in cash, so it's all good, all
right?
And then the hottest fucking women, some of the hottest women ever move out to
LA to become
actresses, okay?
He's got them in his