Name: Bill Burr - Fail Videos And LAY-dees
Uploaded: 2012-01-31T10:08:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Fail Videos And LAY-dees' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Fail Videos And LAY-dees' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-01-31. Transcript available.

um hey speaking of failure i actually went onto youtube and i know these
everybody's seen these
a zillion times you know what i love i love those compilation uh you know fail
videos of 2010 2011
and uh i was watching those last night just laughing my ass off just having a
good time
where you bilk is there any that you can remember not really a lot of face
plants a lot of people
taking it in the nuts and uh i'll tell you i can't believe what it takes to
break your fucking neck
because everybody was like doing backflips and then like water skiing on their
face like landing
on their face and sliding three feet on their face and you're thinking there's
no way that guy's
getting up and every time they get they get right back up this is something
that i've noticed about
the ladies is a lot of them because they spent their whole fucking lives trying
to attract a man
who invariably is going to disappoint them because he's a fucking idiot because
he has a dick
right they spend so much time poofing their hair and painting up their goddamn
faces
you know like some kabuki clown getting out of a goddamn volkswagen
that they a lot of them have the coordination of like a three-year-old
you know i'm not talking about the athletic ones the ones that throw like dudes
you know have a little grunt in there you get a new girlfriend you didn't
realize yeah you only
played high school softball oh that's cool let's go outside and play catch
right
she's you see it she's already fucking amped up you know she gets out there
she's got that look in her eye her fucking nipples are hard she's ready to go
and you're out there going oh you know it's a lady let's let's be easy
so you toss her one you know borderline under underhanded
trying to respect her vajay jay right
she's got a vagina not too hard
you love it over to her and then she throws it back
and gets a little grunt in there
pops your mitt makes your hands sting a little bit
makes you a little bit nervous right
the fuck am i going with i'm not talking about women like that i'm talking
about
you know the oh my god you guys that's so mean
look at the christmas lights oh i love christmas
look at the doggie that girl
those when they fall off fucking tables
or whatever the fuck it is they're going on rope swings
like when they fall they look like a fucking toddler
you know toddlers don't realize
they don't know enough to put their hands out to protect their face
or they just fall like a fucking sack of potatoes
those are my favorite videos
because it's usually good looking women
you know they're good looking
so they know that all they got to do is just do that kabuki thing
if every day they just fucking wake up
take one of those giant powdered things and slam their face with it
paint their lips red like a goddamn bullseye
that you know much to a lot of people's chagrin
most of their dreams are going to come true
are they going to come true
you know
what is with the red lipstick everybody
i used to think it was because your lips are you know
sort of a red but it's a muted red
you know it's an old school tv red
as opposed to the high def hd
fucking uh stick your dick in here
red that the lipstick is
you know i don't know
i'm officially an old bastard
you know this is this is when you
and for all you youngsters out there
this is when you
you're going to know that you're old
first of all you're going to stutter
uncontrollably
for no apparent reason
but beyond that
this is how you're going to know you're old
is when you get to that age
where you can't tell
if somebody
is a hooker
or if they work at the
basically like a library or something
ha god damn it
i should have a better example
i can't tell the difference
between a girl going out to the club
or a girl walking down the street
sucking dick for 20 bucks a pop
you know
because i i've been old long enough
that
you know my idea of what a whore is
the whores of my generation
already have kids who are like
18 19 20 years of age
all right
so now they're rebelling against their
whore of a mother from the 80s early 90s
so they have to outdo what she did
and in the process
they dress like hookers dressed
when i was coming of age
i'm telling you
when i'm out here
and i drive down hollywood boulevard
where all the club scene is
you know
gee bill why do you go that way
there's all kinds of traffic
because i want to look at the ladies
right
they're all out there
i'll tell you what's in now
thick thighs
thank god
about fucking time
when i was a kid
like women
they all had those skinny fucking legs
you know
those little chihuahua legs
you know
and their fucking mustard colored pumps
from the 80s
remember those girls
now all of a sudden
it looks like this whole generation
has been doing squats
it's looking pretty good to me
so anyways
what the fuck am i talking about
oh i was talking about
why i was uh
i mean i have no idea
where that thought came from
what the fuck did i end up
on mustard pumps
i can't back it up
my brain doesn't go that way
you know
i just have to keep going forward
which is why i'm sitting here
with the podcast
only going into my left ear
and not my right ear
but you know what
i'm not like you feel bad for me
but you know what
i
this has been a problem
this has been a reoccurring
fucking problem
and all i do is wiggle the wires
every week
and be like
okay now it's working
you know
knowing full fucking well
that something bad's gonna happen
And it's like ignoring the fact that, you know, the check engine light just
came on.