Name: Bill Burr - House Party
Uploaded: 2012-01-31T10:12:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - House Party' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - House Party' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-01-31. Transcript available.

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
We decided to have a fucking party for a new place.
You know, you think that was my idea?
Do you think it was my idea to have a bunch of strangers come into the fucking
house?
I'll have people over.
That's what I do.
Hey, you want to come over and watch the game?
Nine people that I know, right?
Have all your fucking phone numbers.
You know, Nia is a more open person.
So she's like, let's have a party.
All right?
So she goes, invite your friends.
So I'm all right.
So, you know, I got, you know, I'm a guy.
I don't have a bunch of friends.
Okay?
I got six good friends, four that I could really trust.
You know?
That's about it.
At least out here.
Then over here, Nia talking to her mom about all excited about the party.
And she's like, yeah, I sent it out on Facebook.
And I was just like, oh, my God.
Did I just invite 110 people?
And my heart literally sank going, please tell me.
You didn't just invite 110 fucking people.
She's like, don't worry.
They're not all going to show up.
It's like, yeah, but like a third will.
And then they're going to bring people that you don't even fucking know.
And that's exactly what happened.
It was a fucking great party.
I'm not going to lie to you.
But I got to admit, like, I got to learn how to.
I thought I was going to be a good host.
I was and I wasn't.
I was all right with the people I knew.
But the people I didn't know, actually, most of them were all right.
But there were a couple of them.
I just said something fucking annoying about somebody you don't know sitting on
your goddamn couch.
You know, eating your food, drinking your booze.
You're like, who the fuck are you?
I had somebody else was laying down on the floor.
I felt like the kid's dad.
I wanted to be like, get him, get a fucking job.
All right, it's over.
You're 26, you fucking bum.
So anyway, so the party's going great.
And I'm basically the whole time, you know, not drinking too much, but I'm
standing by the front door.
Because that's the only way out.
All right?
And nobody's walking out with any of my shit.
Right?
I'm acting basically like psycho in fucking stripes.
It's how I am.
It's how I'm wired.
All right?
So fucking three-quarters of the way through the party, everything's going
great.
And I'm like, wow, this is, you know what I forgot?
I forgot I'm not 21 anymore.
I'm fucking 43.
All my friends are adults, and everybody's drinking responsibly.
And no one's really hammered.
Nothing got broken.
Everything's cool.
So just as I was starting to relax, some kid comes up to me.
He's like, yeah, you own the house?
And I'm like, well, the bank owns it.
I'm fucking paying it off.
What can I do for you?
And he's like, yeah, it's kind of embarrassing, but I used the bathroom
downstairs, and it's clogged now.
And I was wondering if he had a plunger.
And I was like, yeah, I do have a plunger.
I got a plunger right here in the upstairs bathroom.
So I give it to the guy, and I say, hey, man, I appreciate your honesty.
He goes, no problem.
He goes downstairs.
He takes care of it.
Comes back.
Once again, he goes, sorry about that.
I said, not at all.
Not at all.
What the fuck?
It's a toilet.
You know, clogs up every once in a while.
But I appreciate your honesty, you know, because that would have been nasty.
Good for you.
Right?
So another couple hours goes by.
The party ends, and there's like one straggler left.
And I tell the story to me.
I'm like, you know, what a good guy.
What a good shit.
No pun intended.
You know, he could have left it in there.
And then at the party, I come walking in.
My fucking bathroom looks like a goddamn Port Authority bus station toilet.
You know?
So I was psyched.
So one of the stragglers at the party goes, yeah.
He goes, I saw that whole thing go down.
That's not exactly how it went down.
I'm like, what are you talking about?
He goes, it wasn't him that was in the bathroom.
And I go, who was it?
He goes, it was his girlfriend.
Some lady.
Took a dump of a magnitude that it wouldn't go down the toilet.
So now she's in there panicking.
And this is when today's technology kicks in.
Back in the day, she would have had to crawl out the fucking window
and hope nobody saw her and just left the door locked.
Everybody would have panicked.
Holy fuck, who's in there?
Did somebody pass out?
Is somebody committing suicide?
Someone would have kicked in the door.
Right?
Knocked it off the fucking goddamn hinges.
And you'd go in there.
There'd be nobody in there.
You'd feel the air from outside and then look down and everyone would see a
giant shit
and be like, ah, and the party would be over.
And the owner of the house would be walking around going, who did it?
Which one of you motherfucking Jerry?
Did you clog up my toilet, you motherfucker?
You better drive away.
Right?
That's how it would have ended.
But because of today's technology.
I'm not saying she didn't panic.
You know?
It's even worse as a lady because they're not even supposed to do stuff like
that.
Right?
And she was able to text her boyfriend.
And I would fucking pay at least $400 to read those texts, the panic in those
texts.
And to his credit, he fucking, he stepped it up.
He took the hit.
He came up to me.
VH1's I love the 80s own Bill Burr and said, I took a dump in your toilet to a
magnitude
it didn't go down and I need the tools required to alleviate this situation.
So, anti-douchebag of the week.
That guy right there taking a fucking bullet for the team.
That right there is the reverse Peyton Manning award.
He didn't fucking go, we had protection issues.
Right?
No.
He took one.
He took one for the fucking team.
Went upstairs like a goddamn gentleman.
Asked for a plunger.
Gave it to him.
And it was all fine.
And I went down there at the end of the party.
You never would have known anything happened.
You know what I mean?
Like, you know, three hours after the Kennedy assassination.
I bet it was, it was all, I'm saying, you know, marked it all up and everything
was all figured out.
But it was a nice road again.
Mopped up the brains.
What am I talking about?