Name: Bill Burr&Nia - Valentine's Day, Women&Sex
Uploaded: 2012-02-21T00:50:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia - Valentine's Day, Women&Sex' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-02-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia - Valentine's Day, Women&Sex' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-02-21. Transcript available.

Last week, you know, I was bitching about Valentine's Day.
You know, I always tease you about, you know, how we go out to celebrate our
relationship, except I pay.
By the way, how much fun was it going out on the 12th?
It was really nice.
It was great.
Yeah.
We're doing that from now on, right?
It was nice, quiet, romantic.
There was none of the hype.
We went to a really nice place.
I'm not going to lie.
It wasn't actually cheap, but I can't imagine what that would have caused.
We would have been standing outside.
Oh, yeah.
You know, you and your little glitter dress.
Looking at the other girls in their glitter dress is going, do you like my
glitter dress as much as hers?
I should have got mine in poofy shoo-shoo colors.
So anyways, so I've been bitching about the ladies on this thing, right?
Like, what do you guys do?
And they're talking about this steak and a blowjob day.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
All right.
I like it.
I'll tell you when you're in heaven, when not only can they – no, I can't say
it.
Yeah.
When they're proficient in both of those categories because there's a lot of
people out there.
They're going to say, all right, steak and a blowjob day, and one of them isn't
going to be up to snuff.
And there is a prevailing attitude amongst women that they are just
automatically good in bed because they're there.
And there's the prevailing attitude that men don't know what's going on.
We don't know what's going –
You're just happy to be there.
You're just happy to be there.
We're just happy to be there.
Yeah, it's a privilege, which is why this lady says the Valentine's Day.
This is from a lady.
She said, hey, Bill, I heard what you were saying about women and Valentine's
Day and how we don't buy our men gifts and we expect the whole day to be about
us.
Well, here's what I did for my husband.
By the way, I'm honestly not trying to sell you anything.
He goes – she goes, I bought him the Liberator wedge ramp combo set.
What's that, you might ask?
I actually know about this from the Opie and Anthony show.
They refer to it as bedroom adventure gear.
It's a set of cushions designed to help you achieve more positions during sex
as well as deeper penetration.
So, no, we didn't go out to dinner.
No stupid cards were exchanged.
We simply stayed home and fucked all night.
Nice.
So choke on that, you douchebag.
I love you, Bill.
Go fuck yourself.
I like this girl.
Yeah, but you know what's funny about that?
As she's patting herself on the back, she bought something for herself.
It's for both of them.
No, it isn't.
What do you mean it isn't?
It isn't.
What is she going to do with it without him?
I don't need deeper penetration.
That's for you.
See, that is – well, see, again, that's the difference.
What is the difference?
She – no, I'm not saying that guys don't satisfy their women properly, that
their dick isn't big enough.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about how she's patting herself on the back like she went out and
bought this guy.
The NFL package for next season.
Like she actually went out and bought something for him.
She didn't.
At the very least, she bought something for them.
But the real thing about that, that's for the woman.
So he can hit it at that angle that you like, so he can hit your spot, so he
can get in there deeper.
Guys –
You don't appreciate that?
Look, I'm not saying I don't appreciate it, and I'm not saying it's not a great
invention.
But what I'm saying is she's acting as though like this was some sort of a
sacrifice, that she basically bought him something that would get her better
dick, and she's patting herself on the back for it.
It's fucking ridiculous.
I think it's clever.
It is clever because she's acting as though she did something, but she didn't.
See, this is the thing about that is the genius of women is you guys act like
sex doesn't feel good for you too.
You act like you guys allowing us to have sex with you.
Like you don't want it, and like this is like you like waxing a floor, and it's
just a big fucking pain in the ass, you know?
But she got something that is like celebratory of their relationship as opposed
to like the typical dinner.
It's like it's about our intimacy.
It's about our connection.
So why don't we get something that will enhance that?
Yeah, but this is the thing.
I got to go out and buy you like some necklace or some – do I get to wear it?
I got to take you out to dinner, celebrate, and I pay for the whole fucking
thing?
It's all about the guy going out, spending money on you, getting you shit that
you want, and it's the pressures for the guy to show his love to you.
I know girls who get presents for their guys too.
Oh, I know a white guy who can dunk a basketball.
All right, let's stop talking about the exceptions.
I'm talking about the fucking rule here.
All right?
Okay.
You know what I'm saying.
Yes, I do.
Okay.
All right.
All right?
Fine.
There we go.
Nia, tapping out.
Fucking tapping out.
Why do women act like sex doesn't feel good to them?
Why do you guys –
No, I can't answer that.
I'm not like that.
Can you please talk into the microphone?
I'm not like that, so I don't know.
I couldn't tell you.
You don't have any insight?
I can't keep this going?
All right, let's keep going.
But I don't really know women that are like, oh, God, it's such a chore.
Like maybe in the next 10 years or so, women will be complaining about that?
I don't know, but –
Well, when I was making fun of Valentine's Day this weekend, some girl in the
crowd was going like –
I said, well, what did you do for it?
And she goes, he got to hit this and points to herself.
Oh, God.
That's ridiculous.
Yeah.
What can I just show up and be like, hey, you get to suck this, lady?
Never.
This is – yeah.
Never.
You never get to do that.
Right.
I don't know, but I don't know who's complaining about sex like that.
This is what it is.
If guys could ever stop being such fucking sluts and giving it away – that's
why women don't respect dick is because it's so easy for them to get it.
If you'd stop giving it away.
If every guy would just start the day and fucking rub one out, right, the world
would be a lot more peaceful, at least until 2 in the afternoon.
By then your balls fill up again.
You start getting competitive.
Why is his cubicle bigger than mine?
I don't even know what I'm saying here.
It's just – you know what it is?
It's just one of those things that balances it out, right?
I can choke slam you on the floor and you can cut off the sex and that balances
out.
But it's illegal for me to hit you.
But for some reason, it's not illegal for you to cut off the sex.
And that right there, people, is what's known as the tipping point.
And that's how you lose.
You have beautiful cheeks.
Slap.