Name: Bill Burr - Who Knew I Was Not The Father?
Uploaded: 2012-02-27T10:37:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Who Knew I Was Not The Father?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-02-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Who Knew I Was Not The Father?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-02-27. Transcript available.

All right, let's get on to stuff that I want to bitch about this week, all
right?
Now, I know a lot of you guys, you probably think on some level that I hate
women, all right?
And I've got to be honest with you, you're fucking right.
I don't, like, hate them individually, but as a group, they fucking annoy me
because they're always complaining, bitch moaning, and all this fucking crap,
unlike me, who just always brings the sunshine.
All right, this is the thing.
Whenever it comes down to male-female relationships,
what I've noticed on television is that if someone's going to be the douche,
it's always the guy.
If somebody's at fault, it's always the guy.
If somebody's going to pay, it's always the guy,
except for the occasional Britney Spears, all right?
Who, if I ever see, I'm buying her a fucking beer.
Poor girl with that bum-ass husband, right?
Backup dancer, sitting around the house, getting fat,
sitting in sweatpants that she paid for.
You know, if she ever went over there and slapped the shit out of him,
smashed him on his head with one of her bedazzled high heels,
and I was on that jury, I would say not guilty.
I would say not guilty.
I would say she's a fucking hero that she hasn't done it yet.
Here's a story for you.
These are the stories.
I'm just going to put this out here because I'm really hoping that this is
going to inspire somebody
to start some sort of legislation or whatever the fuck you need to do to turn
things around.
Because in this country, there's a major problem.
Women are organized and guys are not when it comes to this relationship shit,
all right?
Oh, you go right ahead and roll your eyes, ladies.
I don't give a fuck.
This isn't for you, all right?
Here's a nice story.
I'm going to read one of these every fucking week
until fucking people realize what is going on, all right?
What is not, not what is going on.
What is also going on is every fucking three minutes,
I got to watch the story about some poor woman who got the living shit kicked
out of her by some asshole guy, all right?
And you watch enough of those stories and you start thinking, oh, my God, women
are always the victim.
It's not so.
Here's a nice story for you.
A little story called, who knew I was not the father?
Do I even need to read it to you?
You know where this is going.
This happens all the fucking time, but they don't talk about it.
You know, it's not considered a major fucking problem.
It's because guys are not organized and we have to start bitch moaning and
complaining the way women do, all right?
Just mentally try and imagine what it's like to have a period.
And that's the mindset you need to get in to make change in this country.
That's what I think is needed, all right?
Okay, here we are.
Boys and girls, gather around.
Who knew I was not the father?
Take one.
It was July in 2007 when Mike L. asked the Pennsylvania courts to declare that
he was no longer the father.
For four years, Mike had known that the girl he had rocked to sleep and dance
with across the living room floor was not, as they say, his.
The revelation from a DNA test was devastating and prompted him to leave his
wife.
But he had not renounced their child because he's a good shit because he
realized that the kid, you know, it's not the kid's fault that her mom is a whore.
You know, this guy's a stand-up guy.
But he had not renounced their child.
He continued to feel that in all the ways that mattered, she was still his
daughter.
And he faithfully paid her child support.
I mean, this guy is a saint.
If there's a God, this guy is going straight into heaven, okay?
He could have been bitter.
He could have walked away.
He didn't.
Stood in, right?
So it was only when he learned that his ex-wife was about to marry the man who
she said actually was the girl's biological father that Mike flipped.
Supporting another man's child suddenly became unbearable.
Can you believe this woman?
Why don't they show that?
Why don't they?
They're showing all these stories of guys beating women.
What about a woman, why don't they show when women do shit like this?
You know, not only did she cheat on her husband, she fucked a dude raw.
Not only did she fuck the dude raw, she let him bust it in him.
Not only did she have a fucking kid with him, she didn't say shit to her
husband.
So then this fucking guy, he has to find out.
He's sitting there, you know, looking how he looks and his kid doesn't look
anything like him.
And she doesn't say shit, so one day goes to Walgreens, gets a little DNA test,
does a little swabby swab of her and then him.
Sends it off to you-got-to-be-shit-me labs in fucking Colorado.
Comes back, finds out it's not his kid.
He's absolutely fucking devastated.
His goddamn marriage is over and he's still a stand-up guy.
So now this fucking whore goes back with the guy that actually knocked her up.
Now they're living together.
Okay?
Wouldn't you think, despite the fact that she's a whore, that maybe she wouldn't
be a cunt too?
You know?
It's unbelievable.
Why not at that point just have the fucking real dad pay?
And if for some reason the courts are making this guy go through the motions of
writing the check, just take the check, cash it, and give it back to the guy.
Why can't you do that?
You know why?
Because they can never have enough.
Do you know how guys can never have enough pussy?
Women can never have enough stuff.
You ever notice that?
Even if they have a one-night stand, they still got to get a t-shirt.
You know?
They always got to get something.
I don't know if I've said that before in this podcast, but it's fucking true.
They always got to have stuff.
You know?
And they got this free fucking money coming, and this bitch has got two—she's
pimping these guys.
She's got two guys—two guys working for her.
Goddamn genius.
Also a cunt, but she's a genius of a cunt.
Okay?
I mean, how dumb is that guy who actually knocked her up?
How dumb is he to marry her?
Who the fuck marries somebody who was—who marries—who makes somebody their
wife who was already somebody else's wife and fucked around with you?
You saw what she did.
You think she's not going to get tired of you?
You think she's not going to go somewhere else, get some more dick and a little
more, you know, foreign spackle between the fucking gams?
Unbelievable.
So there you go.
That's not misogynistic that I'm only reading these stories.
What I'm doing is I'm trying to balance out the bullshit that you're seeing on
TV, the bullshit vibe that only guys cheat, guys are dogs, guys, guys, guys do
all the fucking bullshit.
Okay?
We are equal.
Okay?
We are equal.
We are capable of doing wonderful things like this guy who did the right thing
by this little girl, and we're also capable of doing horrific things.
All right?
Slapping the shit out of fucking women, sticking their heads in the glove box,
trying to see if you can get it all the way closed.
You know?
We also do shit like that.
And ladies, right?
They can be absolute angels.
And they can be a steaming pile of cunt like this woman.
So there you go.
That's my little fair and balanced reporting.
For this week, go fuck yourselves.
I've done two and a half hours of comedy tonight.
My new special I'm taping this Saturday night at the Lincoln Theater in
Washington, D.C.
And let me tell you something, brother.
I'm fucking bringing it on this one.
All right?
I am on a mission to outdo my last two fucking specials.
Okay?
And I don't care if you cunts don't think I did it.
I think I'm going to do it.