Name: Bill Burr - Complaint From A Lady
Uploaded: 2012-03-06T01:15:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Complaint From A Lady' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-03-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Complaint From A Lady' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-03-06. Transcript available.

Let's get to the complaints this week, everybody.
Some lady just absolutely lost her mind, hates my guts now,
and won't listen to this podcast anymore.
And I apologize to her, but she says she's not listening anymore.
There's no way that she's listening,
despite that she wrote like a five-page email that I'm now going to read.
She has a huge problem with me, everybody.
So settle in.
Want me to wait?
You want to go down to the break room, go get yourself a little coffee cake?
I can wait.
I'm on vacation.
I got nothing better to do.
Go ahead.
I'll wait.
The fucking dog's been farting all day today.
I don't know what its deal is.
And it keeps looking at me like, dude, you got to help me out.
And I keep going to take it outside, and then it just sniffs the grass.
And then I bring it back in, and it starts farting again,
and it keeps looking at me like, dude, I'm really trying not to shit on your
rug.
I mean, that's how I'm reading her face.
I think that's what she's saying.
I have no idea.
So anyways, here we go.
Subject.
Your podcast is hate speech.
Oh, Jesus.
Bill, you probably won't read this.
Or if you do, you will just dismiss me as a stupid cunt whore.
But no matter.
See it right there?
She's already draped herself in the I'm brave, and I'm going to plow a head
flag.
Your podcast, as of late, has morphed into hate speech.
You used to be funny, and I could brush off your hateful comments with a cringe
and a shrug.
Now, wait a minute.
If they were hateful right along, why would you?
Okay, let's just plow a head.
But now you've gone too far for me.
To feature a segment on your podcast devoted to the deplorable behavior of
women is intolerable.
For those of you new to my podcast, I've been doing this segment, which I think
is hilarious and needs to be done.
Just to get you caught up before this lady gives me both barrels here, because
believe me, she does.
You know, there's a bunch of shows out there that shine a light on men who beat
their women.
Those pieces of shit, right?
Trying to stop them from that behavior.
There's a bunch of shows out there that will talk about who are these guys, you
know, to say what a woman could do with their body.
They'll talk about the glass ceiling, the old boys' network, and all that type
of stuff.
And they shine a light on all of that.
Okay?
Which they should, because that is guys doing things that they should not be
doing that is not fair to women.
Okay?
So my problem is not that they do that.
My problem is that they never shine a light on shit that women do that is not
fair to men.
So recently, if I can drape myself into some sort of brave flag, I've been
reading these stories about guys who are married.
Their wife goes out, cheats on them, has unprotective sex, has a kid with
another fucking guy, doesn't tell their husband, and by the time he figures it
out, he has to pay child support for a kid that isn't even his and it's totally
legal.
And then I had the audacity to say that a woman who would do that to her
husband is a cunt.
Evidently, that's hateful speech towards all women, according to this person.
All right?
Because she continues.
And oh, does she ever continue.
To feature a segment on your podcast devoted to the deplorable behavior of
women is intolerable.
How is that any different than someone spending 20 minutes a week on a
different podcast featuring the deplorable behavior of black people?
Why do they always go to black people?
That's always a – that's just like calling me the N-word.
This is no different than slavery.
That's – people in other groups always do that.
Always do that.
All right?
Give me a goddamn break.
All right?
That – she goes, women are – I mean, how is that different?
I'm – how is – how is what I'm doing any different by featuring a segment
of women who are doing something absolutely reprehensible to men?
How is that any different than a show that focuses on men doing anything reprehensible
to women?
When they show wife beaters, I don't look at that like, oh, my God, they're
saying I'm doing it too.
But I think – you know something?
I really think you're being really selfish here.
And the fact that you could sit here and listen to my podcast for this long as
I've gone off on fat people – I mean, Jesus Christ, you want to talk about
hate speech?
How much shit have I talked about Peyton Manning despite the fact I can't even
throw a football?
You know?
If he sent me an email, I would understand.
And I bet it wouldn't even be as crazy as this.
She says women are treated like second-class citizens all over the world.
When did I ever say they weren't?
And even still in this country.
Yet you have no problem inciting further hate and disgust towards your fellow
human beings on this earth.
How am I inciting hate?
When shows show wife beaters, is that inciting hatred towards men?
If you look at those shows and that makes you hate all men, then you're a moron.
So basically what you're saying is that I'm a moron and that all my listeners
are morons.
That if I call a woman who cheats on her husband, has a baby with another guy
and makes her husband pay for that, if I call her a cunt, that means I'm
calling all women cunts?
You know?
Is that what you're saying?
Are you saying we're all that stupid?
She said, right now there are men, and that is written in capital letters, M-E-N,
men, in this country still, capital S-T-I-L-L, discussing whether or not women
should have the right to contraception and abortions.
Yeah, I understand that.
And those people freak me out.
Those people freak me out.
And I am a guy.
And I've never said that a woman shouldn't have a right to that.
So I don't know what you're talking about.
This has nothing to do.
I'm talking about these fucking whores that cheat on their husbands.
Ma'am, you know what I love about all this?
How come you don't address what I talked about?
How come I can't hear?
What do you think about a woman who would do something like that?
I saw a stat the other day that said 13% of kids in this country are not with
their biological father.
Meaning not just like, you know, that their wife got, like, divorced and then
remarried.
They mean, like, there's a guy either knows or doesn't know.
Like, the woman had a kid with somebody else while they were married.
Like, 13% of kids.
I mean, that means 80% of women are on the up and up.
All right?
God bless them.
They're angels.
But that 13% needs to be taken to task.
I mean, how many guys are beating women?
I would guess it would probably be right around that same, you know, maybe a
little higher.
I have no idea.
Let's just, let's say it's 20, let's say 20% of guys beat their women.
Should they not be called out and be called cowardly pieces of shit?
You know?
And if you call them cowardly pieces of shit, would I have a right to sit there
and look at that and be like,
well, that's, now you're inciting further hate and disgust toward all men?
You're being really selfish here, man, because I go off on everybody.
This podcast is over the top and it's crazy.
I call guys cunts on this podcast.
And you're being really selfish right now.
And now, you know, you make this big, long speech and then you're going to take
your ball and go home.
And look at this.
Look at all she's bringing up here.
Women still earn only 70 cents for every dollar a man earns.
I think you guys should make the same amount.
But I also don't think that that number is accurate.
$77.
77 cents for every dollar than a man earns.
Because if you include divorce settlements, you get to keep your 77 cents plus
his 50 cents.
So then he's down to 50 and then you're up to $1.37.
See, that's what I'm talking about right there.
Go fuck yourself, you oversensitive jackass.
Good Lord.
Go buy a bigger bra.
I don't know what your fucking problem is.
I hope that bugged you too that I said that.
That was deliberately supposed to be offensive.
All right.
So go fucking write a letter to fucking cunthair.com because I don't give a
shit.
All right.
In short, we are still not equal to our male counterparts and we will forever
be labeled the weaker sex.
Well, with that attitude, of course you will.
You know?
I don't think you're the weaker sex.
I think that that's all a myth.
I think that that actually makes you stronger.
You know?
Because guys are fucking idiots and they think because they can do more push-ups
than their woman that they're actually, you know, that makes them smarter.
You know?
I don't know.
Oh, my fucking doorbell's ringing.
Are you serious?
Hang on a second.
I got to go up here and then I got to read the rest of this.
Hold on.
All right.
So I'm back.
A little winded, but I'm back.
I'm back.
So anyways, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
It just keeps going on and on and on and on.
Where the hell is it?
Where the hell was I?
Weaker sex.
And then she tries to break me down psychologically, but my mom not hugging me.
If that's the case, then I'm sorry for you.
I hate when people do that.
It's like, you're not sorry for me.
You hate me right now.
Okay?
So stop acting like you're really sorry for me and you're showing some sort of
empathy.
You're not showing empathy.
You're being really selfish.
Like I said, I go off on everything here.
I've never said that a woman should make the same amount an hour as a guy.
I never said that a guy should be able to hit a woman.
I've never said that.
The thing I'm trying to shine a light to is that some of these divorce
settlements are absolutely fucking ridiculous.
And that when a woman cheats on a guy and has a kid with another person and the
poor sap who married her has to pay for that, you don't think that's fucked up?
Howard Stern just did a great story on it last week.
Somebody sent me an email.
He did a story about a guy who was in that situation and he refused to pay the
child support and they said, we're going to send you to jail.
He's going to go to jail because his wife cheated on him, had unprotective sex.
Hey, to hell with AIDS.
Let's roll the dice with my husband's life, right?
Has unprotected sex, has a kid.
He doesn't realize it.
Figures it's his because his wife's pregnant.
Why would he think that it's somebody else's?
He starts making the payments.
Next thing you know, he starts raising the kid.
Figures out it's not his kid and has a natural reaction.
I don't want to pay for that.
And the law is just like, no, you have to pay for it.
Let me ask you this, ma'am.
Do you have any empathy for that?
You seem to have all this empathy for women and women's issues.
And like somehow I'm supposed to still respect you.
Despite the fact that you could give a fuck if this injustice is done on the
other side.
It doesn't make any sense.
And I want to see like.
This is like focusing on this issue.
This is an issue for some reason that is just not talked about whatsoever.
It's just sort of accepted.
And I think it's an absolute.
I think it's absolutely deplorable.
I think it's deplorable.
So I have the right to talk about it.
You know what I mean?
And if you want to get offended and you want to be selfish and just be like,
well, that isn't fair.
What if I had a whole segment every week and all I did was talk about wife beaters?
You know what?
You'd probably send me an email.
I just want you to tell you.
I love your podcast even more.
It is just.
It's.
You are just.
You are a hero.
To hear a man out there just letting these cowardly pieces of shit know that it's.
You'd be fucking over the moon about it.
But now all of a sudden I'm talking about women who are doing shit that you're
not even doing.
At what point in any of these stupid fucking rants that I've done have I ever
said that all women are doing this?
I never have.
I never said that all women cheat on their husbands and have a kid out of wedlock.
I didn't.
All right?
Do I make generalizations?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
It's a comedy.
I paint with a broad brush.
I'm fucking around.
Okay?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Stop being so goddamn selfish.
Okay?
And if you don't want to listen to my podcast, don't listen to my podcast
anymore.
And other than that, you know, I mean, go fuck yourself.
I don't.
I don't.
I don't know.
This.
What she's doing is a pet peeve that I have.
Like, that happens to me, like, sometimes when I do shows.
And at the end of my shows, someone will come up to me and just be like, look,
you know, I have a good sense of humor, but subject whatever.
Ah, my fucking phone.
They'll just be like, you know what?
That's never funny.
That is never.
Oh, the lovely Nia, everybody.
Hang on one second.
Hang on one second.
Hello?
Hey, I'm taping my podcast right now.
Is this urgent?
Are you on the side of the road?
We got AAA.
No, no.
The dog was farting, and I thought it had to shit in the house, so I took it
outside, and then it just sniffed around and peed.
Yeah, it was a pain in the ass.
So I'm going to get back to the podcast, all right?
All right.
I'll tell you in like a half.
All right.
Bye.
Anyways.
Oh, and then she goes on to say that the terms I use will then cause, you know,
people to use those.
You know, as I fuck around and use these terms, she then thinks that people are
going to use them seriously.
You know what I mean?
And I'm sure a few will, but that's not on me.
Somebody who does that, it's because you're a moron.
And I, like, it's not my responsibility to fucking babysit anybody once they're
an adult.
If you don't know not to call women these terms, okay?
Although, I will tell you this.
If, you know, there is a time to call a woman a cunt, okay?
And that's when you find out that your son is not your son and you still have
to pay for it.
There's a reason that that word does exist.
All right?
All right there, sweetheart.
So I hope you come back to the podcast.
I hope that you actually listen and will respond.
And I don't want to hear another fucking word out of you unless you tell me
what you think about those kinds of fucking women who do that, okay?
And stop bringing up slavery and all this other shit and try to drag all this
other crap into it.
All right?
You stay in your own goddamn lane, sweetheart.
All right?
Good Lord.
To compare yourself not being able to vote to being enslaved?
Really?
That's another one that gets – that's a whole other fucking topic.
Every fucking person out there just tries to fucking jump on that.
You know?
That's our N-word.
Go fuck yourself.
Anyways.
I can't believe you just did that.
Why did you flick that bick right in my face?
You burned off two eyebrow hairs.
That's my Dresden.

Bill Burr - Complaint From A Lady

Let's get to the complaints this week, everybody.
Some lady just absolutely lost her mind, hates my guts now,
and won't listen to this podcast anymore.
And I apologize to her, but she says she's not listening anymore.
There's no way that she's listening,
despite that she wrote like a five-page email that I'm now going to read.
She has a huge problem with me, everybody.
So settle in.
Want me to wait?
You want to go down to the break room, go get yourself a little coffee cake?
I can wait.
I'm on vacation.
I got nothing better to do.
Go ahead.
I'll wait.
The fucking dog's been farting all day today.
I don't know what its deal is.
And it keeps looking at me like, dude, you got to help me out.
And I keep going to take it outside, and then it just sniffs the grass.
And then I bring it back in, and it starts farting again,
and it keeps looking at me like, dude, I'm really trying not to shit on your
rug.
I mean, that's how I'm reading her face.
I think that's what she's saying.
I have no idea.
So anyways, here we go.
Subject.
Your podcast is hate speech.
Oh, Jesus.
Bill, you probably won't read this.
Or if you do, you will just dismiss me as a stupid cunt whore.
But no matter.
See it right there?
She's already draped herself in the I'm brave, and I'm going to plow a head
flag.
Your podcast, as of late, has morphed into hate speech.
You used to be funny, and I could brush off your hateful comments with a cringe
and a shrug.
Now, wait a minute.
If they were hateful right along, why would you?
Okay, let's just plow a head.
But now you've gone too far for me.
To feature a segment on your podcast devoted to the deplorable behavior of
women is intolerable.
For those of you new to my podcast, I've been doing this segment, which I think
is hilarious and needs to be done.
Just to get you caught up before this lady gives me both barrels here, because
believe me, she does.
You know, there's a bunch of shows out there that shine a light on men who beat
their women.
Those pieces of shit, right?
Trying to stop them from that behavior.
There's a bunch of shows out there that will talk about who are these guys, you
know, to say what a woman could do with their body.
They'll talk about the glass ceiling, the old boys' network, and all that type
of stuff.
And they shine a light on all of that.
Okay?
Which they should, because that is guys doing things that they should not be
doing that is not fair to women.
Okay?
So my problem is not that they do that.
My problem is that they never shine a light on shit that women do that is not
fair to men.
So recently, if I can drape myself into some sort of brave flag, I've been
reading these stories about guys who are married.
Their wife goes out, cheats on them, has unprotective sex, has a kid with
another fucking guy, doesn't tell their husband, and by the time he figures it
out, he has to pay child support for a kid that isn't even his and it's totally
legal.
And then I had the audacity to say that a woman who would do that to her
husband is a cunt.
Evidently, that's hateful speech towards all women, according to this person.
All right?
Because she continues.
And oh, does she ever continue.
To feature a segment on your podcast devoted to the deplorable behavior of
women is intolerable.
How is that any different than someone spending 20 minutes a week on a
different podcast featuring the deplorable behavior of black people?
Why do they always go to black people?
That's always a – that's just like calling me the N-word.
This is no different than slavery.
That's – people in other groups always do that.
Always do that.
All right?
Give me a goddamn break.
All right?
That – she goes, women are – I mean, how is that different?
I'm – how is – how is what I'm doing any different by featuring a segment
of women who are doing something absolutely reprehensible to men?
How is that any different than a show that focuses on men doing anything reprehensible
to women?
When they show wife beaters, I don't look at that like, oh, my God, they're
saying I'm doing it too.
But I think – you know something?
I really think you're being really selfish here.
And the fact that you could sit here and listen to my podcast for this long as
I've gone off on fat people – I mean, Jesus Christ, you want to talk about
hate speech?
How much shit have I talked about Peyton Manning despite the fact I can't even
throw a football?
You know?
If he sent me an email, I would understand.
And I bet it wouldn't even be as crazy as this.
She says women are treated like second-class citizens all over the world.
When did I ever say they weren't?
And even still in this country.
Yet you have no problem inciting further hate and disgust towards your fellow
human beings on this earth.
How am I inciting hate?
When shows show wife beaters, is that inciting hatred towards men?
If you look at those shows and that makes you hate all men, then you're a moron.
So basically what you're saying is that I'm a moron and that all my listeners
are morons.
That if I call a woman who cheats on her husband, has a baby with another guy
and makes her husband pay for that, if I call her a cunt, that means I'm
calling all women cunts?
You know?
Is that what you're saying?
Are you saying we're all that stupid?
She said, right now there are men, and that is written in capital letters, M-E-N,
men, in this country still, capital S-T-I-L-L, discussing whether or not women
should have the right to contraception and abortions.
Yeah, I understand that.
And those people freak me out.
Those people freak me out.
And I am a guy.
And I've never said that a woman shouldn't have a right to that.
So I don't know what you're talking about.
This has nothing to do.
I'm talking about these fucking whores that cheat on their husbands.
Ma'am, you know what I love about all this?
How come you don't address what I talked about?
How come I can't hear?
What do you think about a woman who would do something like that?
I saw a stat the other day that said 13% of kids in this country are not with
their biological father.
Meaning not just like, you know, that their wife got, like, divorced and then
remarried.
They mean, like, there's a guy either knows or doesn't know.
Like, the woman had a kid with somebody else while they were married.
Like, 13% of kids.
I mean, that means 80% of women are on the up and up.
All right?
God bless them.
They're angels.
But that 13% needs to be taken to task.
I mean, how many guys are beating women?
I would guess it would probably be right around that same, you know, maybe a
little higher.
I have no idea.
Let's just, let's say it's 20, let's say 20% of guys beat their women.
Should they not be called out and be called cowardly pieces of shit?
You know?
And if you call them cowardly pieces of shit, would I have a right to sit there
and look at that and be like,
well, that's, now you're inciting further hate and disgust toward all men?
You're being really selfish here, man, because I go off on everybody.
This podcast is over the top and it's crazy.
I call guys cunts on this podcast.
And you're being really selfish right now.
And now, you know, you make this big, long speech and then you're going to take
your ball and go home.
And look at this.
Look at all she's bringing up here.
Women still earn only 70 cents for every dollar a man earns.
I think you guys should make the same amount.
But I also don't think that that number is accurate.
$77.
77 cents for every dollar than a man earns.
Because if you include divorce settlements, you get to keep your 77 cents plus
his 50 cents.
So then he's down to 50 and then you're up to $1.37.
See, that's what I'm talking about right there.
Go fuck yourself, you oversensitive jackass.
Good Lord.
Go buy a bigger bra.
I don't know what your fucking problem is.
I hope that bugged you too that I said that.
That was deliberately supposed to be offensive.
All right.
So go fucking write a letter to fucking cunthair.com because I don't give a
shit.
All right.
In short, we are still not equal to our male counterparts and we will forever
be labeled the weaker sex.
Well, with that attitude, of course you will.
You know?
I don't think you're the weaker sex.
I think that that's all a myth.
I think that that actually makes you stronger.
You know?
Because guys are fucking idiots and they think because they can do more push-ups
than their woman that they're actually, you know, that makes them smarter.
You know?
I don't know.
Oh, my fucking doorbell's ringing.
Are you serious?
Hang on a second.
I got to go up here and then I got to read the rest of this.
Hold on.
All right.
So I'm back.
A little winded, but I'm back.
I'm back.
So anyways, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
It just keeps going on and on and on and on.
Where the hell is it?
Where the hell was I?
Weaker sex.
And then she tries to break me down psychologically, but my mom not hugging me.
If that's the case, then I'm sorry for you.
I hate when people do that.
It's like, you're not sorry for me.
You hate me right now.
Okay?
So stop acting like you're really sorry for me and you're showing some sort of
empathy.
You're not showing empathy.
You're being really selfish.
Like I said, I go off on everything here.
I've never said that a woman should make the same amount an hour as a guy.
I never said that a guy should be able to hit a woman.
I've never said that.
The thing I'm trying to shine a light to is that some of these divorce
settlements are absolutely fucking ridiculous.
And that when a woman cheats on a guy and has a kid with another person and the
poor sap who married her has to pay for that, you don't think that's fucked up?
Howard Stern just did a great story on it last week.
Somebody sent me an email.
He did a story about a guy who was in that situation and he refused to pay the
child support and they said, we're going to send you to jail.
He's going to go to jail because his wife cheated on him, had unprotective sex.
Hey, to hell with AIDS.
Let's roll the dice with my husband's life, right?
Has unprotected sex, has a kid.
He doesn't realize it.
Figures it's his because his wife's pregnant.
Why would he think that it's somebody else's?
He starts making the payments.
Next thing you know, he starts raising the kid.
Figures out it's not his kid and has a natural reaction.
I don't want to pay for that.
And the law is just like, no, you have to pay for it.
Let me ask you this, ma'am.
Do you have any empathy for that?
You seem to have all this empathy for women and women's issues.
And like somehow I'm supposed to still respect you.
Despite the fact that you could give a fuck if this injustice is done on the
other side.
It doesn't make any sense.
And I want to see like.
This is like focusing on this issue.
This is an issue for some reason that is just not talked about whatsoever.
It's just sort of accepted.
And I think it's an absolute.
I think it's absolutely deplorable.
I think it's deplorable.
So I have the right to talk about it.
You know what I mean?
And if you want to get offended and you want to be selfish and just be like,
well, that isn't fair.
What if I had a whole segment every week and all I did was talk about wife beaters?
You know what?
You'd probably send me an email.
I just want you to tell you.
I love your podcast even more.
It is just.
It's.
You are just.
You are a hero.
To hear a man out there just letting these cowardly pieces of shit know that it's.
You'd be fucking over the moon about it.
But now all of a sudden I'm talking about women who are doing shit that you're
not even doing.
At what point in any of these stupid fucking rants that I've done have I ever
said that all women are doing this?
I never have.
I never said that all women cheat on their husbands and have a kid out of wedlock.
I didn't.
All right?
Do I make generalizations?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
It's a comedy.
I paint with a broad brush.
I'm fucking around.
Okay?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Stop being so goddamn selfish.
Okay?
And if you don't want to listen to my podcast, don't 