Name: Bill Burr - Kony 2012
Uploaded: 2012-03-19T12:08:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Kony 2012' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-03-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Kony 2012' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-03-19. Transcript available.

Did you see this shit about that fucking guy who's got that, you know, he went
over to Uganda?
That guy, Kony, Kony 2012.
You see that? You see how quickly they brought that guy down?
This guy shines a light on himself first and foremost and how he and his child
are dealing with it, which was really bizarre.
I mean, I don't know about you guys, but it was enough for me to see the boy
soldier crying because he saw his brother have his neck sliced right in front
of him.
You know, and he goes from that to be a, now I'm going to sit my son down and
tell him about the, it's like, I didn't even get it.
All right.
So anyways, this guy shines a light on this bullshit that's going on over there.
And all of a sudden everybody's in an uproar or all of a sudden everybody gives
a fuck about Uganda and these boy soldiers, you know?
And then all of a sudden the United States government is going, dude, we're
fighting two wars.
We can't even afford to fight one.
Now this guy's bringing this shit up.
Gee, wouldn't it be nice if something fucking happened that would discredit him
next thing you know, a couple of days later?
Hey, this guy connected with the film from that Kony 2012 gets caught jerking
off in public.
Was I the only guy who found that unbelievably fucking convenient?
I didn't buy it for a second.
In fact, I tweeted, you know, back in the day they used to assassinate you.
Now they just do this.
You know what I mean?
If they can make it look like we landed on the moon in 1969, you don't think
that they can make you, anybody they want, make it look like you're rubbing one
out in the fucking parking lot?
I don't buy it.
What that fucking douchebag was doing, not douchebag, that fucking self-serving
cunt.
There we go.
That's what I was trying to say.
What he was doing with that film was he was putting pressure on the United
States to go over there and fucking somehow insert themselves into that
situation, which would have cost a ton of fucking money.
You know, but there's no way to be like, hey, fuck those boys soldiers, you
know, because of the way because of what it says in our pamphlet.
You know, give us your weak, give us your poor, and we'll exploit the shit out
of them and let them die of tuberculosis in a damp apartment.
And then years later, whoever made the most amount of money gets a statue made
out of them.
That's all in our thing.
So we can't look the other way with these fucking boy soldiers.
So what's the easiest thing to do?
Just make that guy look like a freak show.
First of all, who hasn't jerked off in a parking lot, honestly?
You know, who hasn't done that?
You know, your fucking girl goes in to exchange something.
You're sitting there.
You're bored.
You can't get any radio reception because, you know, it's back in the day.
You just say, yeah, I'm bored, right?
You got a girl in your life, so, you know, there's going to be some sort of napkins
in the car.
What are you going to do, right?
You got the captain's chairs.
No one can see you.
Oh, this is taking forever.
Hey, what if I rub one out, right?
Yeah.
But now everybody's got a fucking camera.
You know what's amazing is that everybody hasn't got caught jerking off in
public at this point.
Everybody's got a camera and their cell phone.
What I'm trying to say, people, is I don't buy it.
And it doesn't matter.
I don't give a fuck whether the guy from Coney was jerking off in a parking lot
or not.
That doesn't change whether or not there's boy soldiers in Uganda.
But what's great is then the conversation switches from what's going on over
there to, oh, what's this guy doing?
Is he rubbing his dick like we all do?
And then everybody would be like, yeah, but we don't do it in public.
Oh, so what?
That makes you better?
It doesn't make you better.
It just makes you more considerate.
Doesn't it?
I mean, if you had two people and they were both shooting heroin and one person
had the decency to do it in their house and the other person does it out in
public, at the end of the day, you're both drug addicts.
So if you're really going to sit there and shit on this guy for jerking off,
then you would have to basically be not jerking off at all.
Right?
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm asking you to look into your hearts.
If you have not rubbed one out, let he who has not rubbed one out in some sort
of public, you never jerked off at work.
God, I'm fucking bored.
Excuse me.
Let me go to the bathroom.
Maybe they'll think I'm taking a shit standing up.
Right?
Come on.
If you're a guy and your arms are long enough, at some point you've jerked off
in some place where you shouldn't have.
You jerked off to somebody you shouldn't have.
You've done it.
We've all been there.
Who gives a fuck?
There's still boys fighting in wars over there.
So, you know, if you want to help out, help out.
If you don't, don't.
But don't let some guy rubbing one out in a parking lot change your mind either
way.
You know what they're doing right now?
Now they're doing what women do when they argue, when they start to lose, is
they bring up other shit and they spin it into a different room.
The next thing you know, you're arguing a whole different argument, an argument
that they wanted you to fucking argue so they knew that they could win rather
than keeping the argument on fucking track of saying, listen, sweetheart, I don't
like the way you've fucking been dressing lately.
OK, I got in this relationship to treat you like a piece of fucking meat.
All right.
Lately, you've been slacking off.
People are still boy soldiers in Uganda, whether or not that guy's rubbing one
out or opening his ass for the world to see.
Don't ever forget that.
Don't lose sight.
Don't lose sight of what the real story is.
OK.
That is all.
Good night.
And God bless the United States of America.