Name: Bill Burr - Dancing Advice
Uploaded: 2012-03-26T23:19:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dancing Advice' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-03-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dancing Advice' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-03-26. Transcript available.

And that is it. Bill, bit of a dilemma here for you.
I'm an 18-year-old male who's about to graduate from high school.
Congratulations.
Over the past few years, I've been told I'm a really good dancer.
Not ballet or artsy stuff, but just good dance floor dancing.
Oh, my God, I'm going to take over the dance floor.
Hey, Angie, watch me.
You're John Travolta. This is great.
Do you go out to the Staten Island Bridge and do headstands with your buddy
Bobby?
Huh?
You know, if he didn't have an afro, he never would have fell off that bridge.
If he had it high and tight like all these Armenians out here.
Every Armenian looks like they know MMA.
When was the last time you saw an Armenian dude in his 20s or 30s,
and he did not look like he could put you in an armbar within two seconds if he
wanted to?
If I was Dana White and I was running the UFC, at one point,
at this point, they're up to, like, what?
Like, UFC 2006, you know?
They've run out of adjectives.
This time, it's really, really personal, right?
I'm not saying I'm not a fan.
I'm a huge fucking fan.
I'm just saying.
You know, the way they have those things, like, every other week.
There's only so many, like, you know, redemption.
I mean, you're running out of words.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
This is what I would do if I was Dana White.
At some point, I would have – you know what?
This is what I would branch off.
Remember when they had those tough man competitions,
and they would have just people coming in throwing haymakers,
which is some of the best boxing ever is when you watch people
who just aren't trained whatsoever, and they just start, you know,
because somebody's going to connect, right?
I think that they should have one week.
They should have the Armenians versus the Russians tough man competition
because I really think that that needs – it needs to be decided
who is the tougher of the two.
Because when it comes to white people, that's who I got my money on, all right?
Those are the Crips and the bloods of white people is the Armenians and the
Russians.
All of them, they just have that vibe.
There's something you're just like, yeah, I'm not fucking with that guy.
Just really – I'm really not doing it.
Anyways, not a ballet or artsy stuff, but just ballroom dance
and I'm fucking dancing over here.
I kind of think dancing is gay from an outside point of view.
It isn't.
It really isn't.
That's just how white people look at it.
It's considered gay because it involves, like, letting yourself go
and actually admitting that you have emotions.
As a man, as a white male, yeah, it's – yeah, it is.
It's considered gay, as is crying, as is showing any sort of emotion,
as is not dying for no good goddamn reason before you're 56.
Or not dying, I should say.
If you live to be 60, I believe amongst white men, that's also considered gay
because that means at some point you cried something out of your chest
and you didn't have a heart attack.
Anyways, he says, I think dancing is gay from an outside point of view,
but I'll be the first one to admit that I'm actually a pretty good dancer.
If I didn't think so, I wouldn't be out there doing it.
Yeah, but, dude, you've got to be getting some – all fucking women love a guy
who can dance.
Dude, if you can dance and you're wearing, like, a silk scarf, it's fucking
over.
It's going to be raining pussy.
As far as my outside view, my freckled view from over in the bar,
trying to stand out from underneath those hot lights so I don't get burned.
You know, redheads, we're the closest thing to vampires, you know.
We have none of the powers of vampires, but the sun affects us the same way.
A friend of mine who is a female dancer keeps telling me I could make money
doing it on commercials or music videos.
Parentheses, clothes on.
Or you could go to fucking Broadway and be, like, one of the five straight men
who dances on Broadway
and just tag every fucking lonely chick out there who's all stretched out.
Just make sure you keep their shoes on.
Dancers' feet are always fucked up.
Here's where it gets complicated.
I plan on becoming a policeman.
Oh, dude, this is a no-brainer.
You need to dance at bachelorette parties dressed as a cop.
All you need, dude, is that fake uniform and a boombox and you're on your way
to making money.
Dude, you should fucking do that in a second.
And then you write a book about it.
I was a gyrating cop for bachelorette parties.
And you write a tell-all book about how many fucking broads who about ready got
married,
could get married, sucked your dick.
You really need help on this one?
I mean, I'm going to read the rest of it, but I think I've already come with
the solution.
Anyways, how is anyone supposed to take me seriously on the force
if there's a video going with me pop and locking next to little Wayne?
At the same time, oh, dude, you should fucking pull people over.
You should pull people over and fucking moonwalk up to their car and just freak
them out.
Even if they were reaching for a gun, they'd be laughing too hard and they
wouldn't shoot you.
Then you could arrest them and then you move up.
Next thing you know, you're a commissioner.
All right?
Nothing.
Anyways, at the same time, I'm getting laid a lot because of it.
Of course you are.
I'm a 7 on a scale of 10.
I like this guy.
He's honest.
And like having a jump shot, it's put me up to an 8.5.
I'm banging 10s.
I've always wanted to be a cop, but the perks here seem better if I was able to
make money doing it in the dancing thing.
I wouldn't just be getting hummers for letting gross moms off on speeding
tickets.
I could be banging J-Lo.
She's into dancers, right?
Thanks.
Yeah, dude.
Abso-fucking-lutely.
Dude, you're basically saying, what should I do here?
Should I bang J-Lo's, be down at the club and make all this fucking money?
Or should I take a job where I'm going to get shot at and not be appreciated?
You know, I'll tell you, every cop out there would dance if they could, as
opposed to being a cop.
I don't care if they're like seven generations in.
Dude, this is what I think of as far as like dancing.
I think if I compare it to being a comedian.
The open mics would be getting a piece of cardboard and being on a subway
platform making money that way.
And then when you move up to hosting a show, that would be your dress as a cop
and your fucking dance at bachelorette parties.
That's what you do on the side.
That's like your fucking day job.
That bullshit.
And then during the day, yeah, I would try out for those fucking, I don't, do
they make music videos anymore?
Or fucking, I don't know.
Believe it or not, I don't know how to climb the ladder as a dancer.
But, dude, abso-fucking-lutely.
If you can make money doing that shit, and then what the great thing is, is
once you get to a certain level to make more money, you know, once you got some
credibility, you can, you always have the fallback where you can teach your
class.
You can be like, I danced for nine years and chitty-chitty bang-bang and
fucking banged every fucking broad on there.
And if you'd like to know how to fuck the women in your cast while still not
losing your job, come on down to Frankie's fucking dance studio, whatever.
Just, you'll figure it out as you go in there.
And, yeah, absolutely.
Abso-fucking-lutely.
I would definitely do it.
You want to do it or you wouldn't have taken the time to write in.
So your big fear should be whatever, everybody's big fear is like, what if I
fucking go after this dream and I'm 30 and I'm sleeping on a fucking futon and
it hasn't happened yet?
Well, I got to tell you something, sir.
I've been there.
I was there at fucking 34.
I was still sleeping on a futon in a fucking studio apartment that they called
a one-bedroom because they slammed a fucking wall in there.
And put a door on it.
And then one day I was trying to bang the girl upstairs who had the fucking
apartment right above me.
And it was the exact same unit and hers was a studio, but she had been there
longer, so they never slammed a wall in there.
And I realized, hey, wait a minute.
I'm getting fucked.
You know?
I should go down there and try to get some money taken off of this.
I should go down to the, uh, they're fucking me over rental board.
But I didn't.
I said, fuck it.
Just keep writing jokes.
Right?
So whatever.
All you got to do, you just got to commit to this.
Get to this shit.
And, uh, and then realize that, you know, sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is
not the worst thing.
It isn't.
You know what's even, you know what's worse than sleeping on a futon?
At 30, sleeping in a king bed next to a fucking woman you're not really in love
with, but for some reason married.
And, uh, you got a couple of kids and you got a job that you fucking hate.
Okay?
You'll be laying there fantasizing about fucking sleeping on a, on a, on a, uh,
on a futon.
There, there's no risk when you go after a dream.
It's all fucking reward.
It's all going to lead to something good.
It always does.
There's a tremendous amount of risk to playing it safe.
And, uh, that leads to unbelievable levels of regret, which is something else I've
also experienced because I'm an old motherfucker.