Name: Bill Burr - Dom Irrera (04-09-12)
Uploaded: 2012-04-09T09:24:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dom Irrera (04-09-12)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dom Irrera (04-09-12)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-04-09. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for
Monday, April 9th, 2012.
And we're going to do something a little different this week.
Rather than me just sitting here in my pajamas, ranting and raving,
I decided that I would get clothed this week and have a friend of mine come by,
the one and only Dom Irera, everybody.
Thank you, everybody. Do you mind if I get undressed?
I would feel more comfortable doing this show.
I like in the nude in the nude, not just naked, in the nude.
Well, I realize now, you know, look how much weight I've gained, right?
Now, you know, I've gained, since I've known you, 30 pounds, right?
And I know that.
I can't tell.
Well, you don't really look, you don't really check me out.
Look at my head. My head is bigger.
Well, you're wearing that slimming black T-shirt.
I've got a Barry Bonds head.
But it's interesting because now, and I don't even know if this is a bit yet,
Bill,
but I think there's something in it.
I have to look, I don't like women my own age.
You know what I mean?
I can't fake that I get aroused by them.
I always wondered that.
No.
I always wondered, like...
I mean, I wish I had that kind of love or something, but I need, like, a hot
young chick.
But the only hot young chick I'm going to get has to be flawed.
Right.
She's got to be, has daddy issues or something.
Inside or outside, yeah.
Yeah, she's got to be messed up in some way, but that's what I'm looking for.
How many strippers have you dated?
Dated?
Only a couple.
I was in love with one.
How old were you when you made that move?
Two years ago.
You fell in love with the stripper two years ago?
I fell in love with it, yeah.
First of all...
Is this a country song?
She was...
I fell in love.
She was not stripping at the time.
She was bartending and just giving an occasional lap dance.
Okay.
And really beautiful girl.
I think I've been to that bar.
And fun.
But I'll tell you, Oxycontin and alcohol really mess you up.
Yeah.
I don't know if you knew that.
Yeah, I got some...
But I still love the girl, but she's...
I don't think we're getting back together.
No, that Oxy is...
Her husband and her two kids keep blocking us.
Oh, Jesus, Dom.
You're making me feel good.
You're making me feel good.
Some of the choices I made back in the day.
Dude, Oxy is...
It's heroin, right?
Yeah, that's one of those things.
Even when you get off it, I don't know that you're ever...
Depending on how long you do it, the same.
I lost a buddy of mine to that shit.
Oh, really?
I got another one.
He's not doing so well.
Did you grow up in a neighborhood that was a lot of drugs?
Not like that.
Not like that.
It was...
I grew up...
It was cul-de-sac bullshit.
It was weed.
It was the weed guy.
It was the bookie.
And then there was booze, obviously.
But, you know, in some coke when you got older.
But, like, nobody was doing, like, heroin.
And crack was, like, you're out of your fucking mind.
Because everybody thought if you smoke crack, that was it.
You were done.
Well, they say you get addicted the first time.
That's what they said.
But I got friends of mine who did.
And they're like, yeah, it was all right.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Well, maybe they're addicted to other things.
They didn't have time to be addicted to someone.
Maybe they're just better people.
Maybe they're better, stronger.
You have good friends.
Let me ask you this.
If you had one drug that you think you would like, what would it be?
I know what mine is.
If I could do a drug that I've never tried that I would like.
You've never tried and you think that, like, it's not going to have any repercussions.
You just want to, the feeling.
What feeling would it be?
Not that I have a tie.
I have a tie.
What?
I want to know what it feels like, like that train spotting where you sink into
the rug the first time you do heroin.
That's exactly what I want.
That, but I got to admit, the hallucinating thing, tripping.
Yeah.
But I'll, but.
That doesn't matter.
Somebody told me, like, when you're tripping, it's not like you don't know that
you're tripping.
You see the door fucking melting.
You're like, oh, it's because I'm on acid.
It's not like those high school films where you'd be like, you thought you
could fly and do shit like that.
Jump out the window.
No, that would scare the shit out of me.
What was that movie where that old guy, was it something?
Timothy Leary?
Alan Arkin did a part where he played an old guy and he fucking, he just, he
got addicted to heroin like his 70s.
And he's just like, what the fuck?
I'm 70.
That's actually a good idea.
Just to try it at 70?
I mean, I'd rather go out shooting drugs than go out taking, you know.
Dick in the ass?
Dick in the ass, yeah.
That must hurt, man.
That's the thing.
You ever think about that seriously, Bill?
Well, taking one.
Yeah, accepting one, I think.
Taking one for the team.
Taking one for the team.
All right, Dom, your number came up.
Sorry, you're not going to like this.
You're not going to like this job.
I don't think so.
Could we work this out?
No, I've actually thought about.
Are you really a priest?
How I want to go out.
Eaten by wolves.
Eaten by wolves.
Shredded by animals.
Yeah, I either want to live to be like 105.
Like you live so long that there's like nobody at your funeral because you outlived
everyone
who gives a shit.
Or, you know, because that is a funny image.
Because that's one of the things.
If you live long enough, there's everyone.
I'm sure he had people that cared about it.
Oh, yeah, like people doing the eulogy.
Like, I mean, I met him when he was 87.
And, you know, he was old.
He liked playing cards.
He always wore those slippers.
He always wore those slippers.
But if you die, like, you know, like all my friends, you know, who have died,
tragically
fucking young, it seems, I mean, you pack the house and everybody's up there.
Yeah, yeah, you get a good.
That's the only good thing about dying young is everybody gives a fuck.
There's articles written about you.
There's nothing worse.
I mean, there's nothing worse than dying young.
But dying old also is, you know, you're sitting there and you got that fucking
old terrified
picture.
My Uncle Tony, when he died, he really was very prejudiced and very angry.
But he also loved his children.
He loved God.
He loved mountains.
And then when he died, it was so funny.
Does that make up for the racist side?
Yeah, yeah.
But I'm saying he was that balanced.
He burned crosses on people.
But in the nature.
He loved birds.
It's true, though.
He was like all that.
And we're standing around the coffin.
You see that mountain?
It's for us.
That's for us, not these other people.
This is God's country.
But when we're around the coffin, we're standing there.
You know, people lie about people after they died.
And this guy, Lee Fidelli, who was the first Italian character I ever did, like
I got down
a little.
He said, we're standing there.
Me, a friend of mine who's a priest and like a couple of my cousins, and we're
standing
there over the body.
And he goes, he never had a bad word to say about anybody.
And we went from crying to fucking laughing.
And I'm thinking, I said, all he did was have bad words to say about everybody.
And then he goes, listen to this.
This is a really old reference.
He goes, he never hated anybody except Larry Boa, right?
Larry Boa, the old, for the Phillies.
Yeah, second baseman.
And he goes, and he looks up, he goes, he hated that motherfucker with a
vengeance, huh?
Was he a gambler?
No, he didn't gamble.
He just hated him.
He hated Larry Boa because he hit 175, but he was a great fielder.
But I mean, what an obscure reference to make at a funeral.
So in general, back in the day, he probably just didn't like second baseman
straight across
the board.
But I love that everybody laughed.
I've had a couple of those at like funerals.
Oh, we were crying.
We went from crying, crying to crying, laughing.
I did that one time.
A buddy of mine, his dad died.
And it was just one of those fucking, you know, tragic.
You know, we were young and he died out of nowhere.
And the kid had already lost his mom.
It was fucking horrible.
And so it was pouring raining to make it even worse.
Fucking like, remember the movie Seven?
It was raining like that.
Yeah, yeah.
So we, you know, go through the service and now they're going to, you know, put
the guy
in the ground.
And the guy was so popular.
I mean, there was just a zillion people there.
So they had like one of these, you know, one of those pop tents with no sides
to it.
So there's so many fucking people.
Everybody's jamming in there.
Me and my buddy can't get in.
You know, we're on the outer ring.
We're just getting rained on and shit.
And my other asshole friend is just inside the tent.
And he's sitting there and we're all crying and stuff and they're bringing the
body down.
And all of a sudden, just from the weight of the rain, like this little like
canal started
pouring down and just missing my friend.
And my buddy in the middle of crying, he was standing in the rain, just reached
up and adjusted
it.
So it went all over his coat.
But he had like this wool kind of coat on so he couldn't feel it at first.
And dude, I'm talking crying laughing.
Yeah, yeah.
Just crying because it was so sad.
And that's the thing, too, that I never thought people ever understand about
comics when they
have a distasteful joke, like if a boat sinks, there's a plane crash and you
have a joke.
They always think it's because you're insensitive and they sometimes don't
understand that it's
a defense mechanism.
It's twisting the pain.
Yeah, I'm feeling something bad.
I don't want to feel it.
And then you make a fucking joke and then you're laughing because you don't
want to feel
that.
So you're actually doing it because you care.
It's kind of a, I think, I think a form, it's like a dysfunction.
It's kind of a form of dysfunction.
Well, like the pedophile jokes.
We all know how terrible that is.
Well, you know, I think there's instances.
But you could twist it around.
I usually bring it back on myself, you know, like one joke that says, you know,
what about
me, father?
I wasn't hot enough for you.
You know what I mean?
Like that kind of thing.
To make it me, I wouldn't want to hurt a kid.
But there's a good example of something that's caused so many people so much
pain.
I'm not just talking about the physical pain.
But, you know, we do know you end somebody's life when you that's why that that
Sandusky
guy.
Yeah.
You know, like they shouldn't put those good.
They should automatically get the death penalty just immediately.
Yeah.
It's all they take them out.
Dude, if you got a rabid dog in your neighborhood, you fucking put it down.
Those sex offender guys.
That's it.
Because all those people that that dude fucked with.
Yeah.
It's like that's going to now affect you want to talk about dating strippers,
like how
that's going to affect who they pick, you know, who they pick as a wife, how
they treat
their kids.
They might think there's a chance that they could, you know, sometimes I don't
know if
it happened.
I'm going to go beyond my intelligence on this, which isn't too hard to do.
But I all I know is that that's generations of therapy because of the abuse of
the.
Yeah.
They they repeat the whoever and those guys don't get you can't put that guy in
jail
and like I mean, how long like you're attracted to what you're attracted to and
no amount
in a cell.
Well, especially like if they suck you in a cell, how long before you wouldn't
like big
titted strippers?
You'd come out 80 years later.
I'm dumb.
I won't bring me to some big titted stripper.
Those guys like eight year olds.
You stick them in a cell and you talk to them.
You try to undo it and show them an adult that they're wired that way.
That's it.
How fucking sick is that?
Put him put him down.
It's it's horrific.
It's why I don't believe in a higher power that gives a fuck.
Well, that's a whole different subject, but I understand that.
But do you hear that pedophile joke about you might have a joke joke?
No, not at all.
It's two guys sitting on a bench.
I see an 11 year old boy walk by one guy pedophile.
He says to the other one, he goes, well, he must have been hot back in the day.
He must have been something back in the day.
Oh, that's fucking twisted.
Yeah.

Bill Burr - Dom Irrera (04-09-12)

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for
Monday, April 9th, 2012.
And we're going to do something a little different this week.
Rather than me just sitting here in my pajamas, ranting and raving,
I decided that I would get clothed this week and have a friend of mine come by,
the one and only Dom Irera, everybody.
Thank you, everybody. Do you mind if I get undressed?
I would feel more comfortable doing this show.
I like in the nude in the nude, not just naked, in the nude.
Well, I realize now, you know, look how much weight I've gained, right?
Now, you know, I've gained, since I've known you, 30 pounds, right?
And I know that.
I can't tell.
Well, you don't really look, you don't really check me out.
Look at my head. My head is bigger.
Well, you're wearing that slimming black T-shirt.
I've got a Barry Bonds head.
But it's interesting because now, and I don't even know if this is a bit yet,
Bill,
but I think there's something in it.
I have to look, I don't like women my own age.
You know what I mean?
I can't fake that I get aroused by them.
I always wondered that.
No.
I always wondered, like...
I mean, I wish I had that kind of love or something, but I need, like, a hot
young chick.
But the only hot young chick I'm going to get has to be flawed.
Right.
She's got to be, has daddy issues or something.
Inside or outside, yeah.
Yeah, she's got to be messed up in some way, but that's what I'm looking for.
How many strippers have you dated?
Dated?
Only a couple.
I was in love with one.
How old were you when you made that move?
Two years ago.
You fell in love with the stripper two years ago?
I fell in love with it, yeah.
First of all...
Is this a country song?
She was...
I fell in love.
She was not stripping at the time.
She was bartending and just giving an occasional lap dance.
Okay.
And really beautiful girl.
I think I've been to that bar.
And fun.
But I'll tell you, Oxycontin and alcohol really mess you up.
Yeah.
I don't know if you knew that.
Yeah, I got some...
But I still love the girl, but she's...
I don't think we're getting back together.
No, that Oxy is...
Her husband and her two kids keep blocking us.
Oh, Jesus, Dom.
You're making me feel good.
You're making me feel good.
Some of the choices I made back in the day.
Dude, Oxy is...
It's heroin, right?
Yeah, that's one of those things.
Even when you get off it, I don't know that you're ever...
Depending on how long you do it, the same.
I lost a buddy of mine to that shit.
Oh, really?
I got another one.
He's not doing so well.
Did you grow up in a neighborhood that was a lot of drugs?
Not like that.
Not like that.
It was...
I grew up...
It was cul-de-sac bullshit.
It was weed.
It was the weed guy.
It was the bookie.
And then there was booze, obviously.
But, you know, in some coke when you got older.
But, like, nobody was doing, like, heroin.
And crack was, like, you're out of your fucking mind.
Because everybody thought if you smoke crack, that was it.
You were done.
Well, they say you get addicted the first time.
That's what they said.
But I got friends of mine who did.
And they're like, yeah, it was all right.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Well, maybe they're addicted to other things.
They didn't have time to be addicted to someone.
Maybe they're just better people.
Maybe they're better, stronger.
You have good friends.
Let me ask you this.
If you had one drug that you think you would like, what would it be?
I know what mine is.
If I could do a drug that I've never tried that I would like.
You've never tried and you think that, like, it's not going to have any repercussions.
You just want to, the feeling.
What feeling would it be?
Not that I have a tie.
I have a tie.
What?
I want to know what it feels like, like that train spotting where you sink into
the rug the first time you do heroin.
That's exactly what I want.
That, but I got to admit, the hallucinating thing, tripping.
Yeah.
But I'll, but.
That doesn't matter.
Somebody told me, like, when you're tripping, it's not like you don't know that
you're tripping.
You see the door fucking melting.
You're like, oh, it's because I'm on acid.
It's not like those high school films where you'd be like, you thought you
could fly and do shit like that.
Jump out the window.
No, that would scare the shit out of me.
What was that movie where that old guy, was it something?
Timothy Leary?
Alan Arkin did a part where he played an old guy and he fucking, he just, he
got addicted to heroin like his 70s.
And he's just like, what the fuck?
I'm 70.
That's actually a good idea.
Just to try it at 70?
I mean, I'd rather go out shooting drugs than go out taking, you know.
Dick in the ass?
Dick in the ass, yeah.
That must hurt, man.
That's the thing.
You ever think about that seriously, Bill?
Well, taking one.
Yeah, accepting one, I think.
Taking one for the team.
Taking one for the team.
All right, Dom, your number came up.
Sorry, you're not going to like this.
You're not going to like this job.
I don't think so.
Could we work this out?
No, I've actually thought about.
Are you really a priest?
How I want to go out.
Eaten by wolves.
Eaten by wolves.
Shredded by animals.
Yeah, I either want to live to be like 105.
Like you live so long that there's like nobody at your funeral because you outlived
everyone
who gives a shit.
Or, you know, because that is a funny image.
Because that's one of the things.
If you live long enough, there's everyone.
I'm sure he had people that cared about it.
Oh, yeah, like people doing the eulogy.
Like, I mean, I met him when he was 87.
And, you know, he was old.
He liked playing cards.
He always wore those slippers.
He always wore those slippers.
But if you die, like, you know, like all my friends, you know, who have died,
tragically
fucking young, it seems, I mean, you pack the house and everybody's up there.
Yeah, yeah, you get a good.
That's the only good thing about dying young is everybody gives a fuck.
There's articles written about you.
There's nothing worse.
I mean, there's nothing worse than dying young.
But dying old also is, you know, you're sitting there and you got that fucking
old terrified
picture.
My Uncle Tony, when he died, he really was very prejudiced and very angry.
But he also loved his children.
He loved God.
He loved mountains.
And then when he died, it was so funny.
Does that make up for the racist side?
Yeah, yeah.
But I'm saying he was that balanced.
He burned crosses on people.
But in the nature.
He loved birds.
It's true, though.
He was like all that.
And we're standing around the coffin.
You see that mountain?
It's for us.
That's for us, not these other people.
This is God's country.
But when we're around the coffin, we're standing there.
You know, people lie about people after they died.
And this guy, Lee Fidelli, who was the first Italian character I ever did, like
I got down
a little.
He said, we're standing there.
Me, a friend of mine who's a priest and like a couple of my cousins, and we're
standing
there over the body.
And he goes, he never had a bad word to say about anybody.
And we went from crying to fucking laughing.
And I'm thinking, I said, all he did was have bad words to say about everybody.
And then he goes, listen to this.
This is a really old reference.
He goes, he never hated anybody except Larry Boa, right?
Larry Boa, the old, for the Phillies.
Yeah, second baseman.
And he goes, and he looks up, he goes, he hated that motherfucker with a
vengeance, huh?
Was he a gambler?
No, he didn't gamble.
He just hated him.
He hated Larry Boa because he hit 175, but he was a great fielder.
But I mean, what an obscure reference to make at a funeral.
So in general, back in the day, he probably just didn't like second baseman
straight across
the board.
But I love that everybody laughed.
I've had a couple of those at like funerals.
Oh, we were crying.
We went from crying, crying to crying, laughing.
I did that one time.
A buddy of mine, his dad died.
And it was just one of those fucking, you know, tragic.
You know, we were young and he died out of nowhere.
And the kid had already lost his mom.
It was fucking horrible.
And so it was pouring raining to make it even worse.
Fucking like, remember the movie Seven?
It was raining like that.
Yeah, yeah.
So we, you know, go through the service and now they're going to, you know, put
the guy
in the ground.
And the guy was so popular.
I mean, there was just a zillion people there.
So they had like one of these, you know, one of those pop tents with no sides
to it.
So there's so many fucking people.
Everybody's jamming in there.
Me and my buddy can't get in.
You know, we're on the outer ring.
We're just getting rained on and shit.
And my other asshole friend is just inside the tent.
And he's sitting there and we're all crying and stuff and they're bringing the
body down.
And all of a sudden, just from the weight of the rain, like this little like
canal started
pouring down and just missing my friend.
And my buddy in the middle of crying, he was standing in the rain, just reached
up and adjusted
it.
So it went all over his coat.
But he had like this wool kind of coat on so he couldn't feel it at first.
And dude, I'm talking crying laughing.
Yeah, yeah.
Just crying because it was so sad.
And that's the thing, too, that I never thought people ever understand about
comics when they
have a distasteful joke, like if a boat sinks, there's a plane crash and you
have a joke.
They always think it's because you're insensitive and they sometimes don't
understand that it's
a defense mechanism.
It's twisting the pain.
Yeah, I'm feeling something bad.
I don't want to feel it.
And then you make a fucking joke and then you're laughing because you don't
want to feel
that.
So you're actually doing it because you care.
It's kind of a, I think, I think a form, it's like a dysfunction.
It's kind of a form of dysfunction.
Well, like the pedophile jokes.
We all know how terrible that is.
Well, you know, I think there's instances.
But you could twist it around.
I usually bring it back on myself, you know, like one joke that says, you know,
what about
me, father?
I wasn't hot enough for you.
You know what I mean?
Like that kind of thing.
To make it me, I wouldn't want to hurt a kid.
But there's a good example of something that's caused so many people so much
pain.
I'm not just talking about the physical pain.
But, you know, we do know you end somebody's life when you that's why that that
Sandusky
guy.
Yeah.
You know, like they shouldn't put those good.
They should automatically get the death penalty just immediately.
Yeah.
It's all they take them out.
Dude, if you got a rabid dog in your neighborhood, you fucking put it down.
Those sex offender guys.
That's it.
Because all those people that that dude fucked with.
Yeah.
It's like that's going to now affect you want to talk about dating strippers,
like how
that's going to affect who they pick, you know, who they pick as a wife, how
they treat
their kids.
They might think there's a chance that they could, you know, sometimes I don't
know if
it happened.
I'm going to go beyond my intelligence on this, which isn't too hard to do.
But I all I know is that that's generations of therapy because of the abuse of
the.
Yeah.
They they repeat the whoever and those guys don't get you can't put that guy in
jail
and like I mean, how long like you're attracted to what you're attracted to and
no amount
in a cell.
Well, especially like if they suck you in a cell, how long before you wouldn't
like big
titted strippers?
You'd come out 80 years later.
I'm dumb.
I won't bring me to some big titted stripper.
Those guys like eight year olds.
You stick them in a cell and you talk to them.
You try to undo it and show them an adult that they're wired that way.
That's it.
How fucking sick is that?
Put him put him down.
It's it's horrific.
It's why I don't believe in a higher power that gives a fuck.
Well, that's a whole different subject, but I understand that.
But do you h