Name: Bill Burr & Paul Virzi - Aviator Sunglasses, Murder, and Paedophilia
Uploaded: 2012-04-25T10:04:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Paul Virzi - Aviator Sunglasses, Murder, and Paedophilia' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Paul Virzi - Aviator Sunglasses, Murder, and Paedophilia' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-04-25. Transcript available.

Verzi's got me addicted to Florentine's podcast, and now Verzi does, like, he
does a pretty good Florentine.
Dude, Florentine is the funniest motherfucker ever to just...
Do you listen to Florentine complain about something?
About anything.
Oh my god.
That robot?
Yeah, because that's what I used to care about, right?
That robot, you're fucking kidding me?
It's garbage.
Fucking joke.
Fucking Fox News robot.
Fucking...
You got that, like, robot, the way he goes, like, up, or he, like, drags the
word out?
It's fucking half time.
It's fucking...
That's really good, man.
He's fucking funny, man.
Listen to that guy complain.
Really?
Really?
Like, we've never seen a beautiful woman before?
Fucking that Bud Light commercial.
Fucking ridiculous.
All right.
What do we got here?
This is...
Okay, sunglasses.
There's some really weird ones this week.
People like...
This guy says, hey, Bill, I need...
My listeners send in, like, questions and shit, and I read it just to let you
know.
Billiam, I need to ask you a very important question.
My wife makes fun of my choice of sunglasses.
She thinks they're not hip enough.
I told her I was wearing brown-tinted sunburst aviators since college before
the whole aviator hype.
Is there aviator hype?
I don't even remember.
I don't even know when Top Gun came out.
Yeah, I was going to say, back then, those people who...
Yeah, 1980s.
Yeah, who wanted to be like Tom Cruise.
You know my neighbor, when I was growing up, any movie that Tom Cruise was in,
he got into that.
Like, whatever it was.
Like, Top Gun, he joined, like, the fucking...
No.
No, he joined, like, the Air Force Reserves.
No.
He alligator-armed it.
He joined that, and then...
Days of Thunder, he started racing cars?
No.
Cocktail, he became, like, a bartender.
His rich dad got him out of the fucking...
The fuck out of it?
Are you serious?
Yeah, he started getting into that.
And what else did he do?
There was, like, three things.
So it kind of became this running joke, like, whatever fucking Tom Cruise movie
was coming out.
And then eventually he moved out to L.A., finally just...
Well, why don't I just be a fucking actor?
You know, so I don't have to actually join the fucking Air Force.
Don't know whatever happened to him.
So anyway, aviator glasses, which were, yeah, the Tom Cruise fan slash date rapist.
Remember that fucking kid I was talking about him?
Do you remember that kid who...
He had the rough sex with the girl in Central Park, and she died?
No.
You're too young for that.
Yeah, this guy.
Yeah, this fucking psycho.
No, he killed her.
He tried to say that she wanted rough sex.
It was consensual.
And I don't know what.
He accidentally killed her or whatever.
That puts a whole other meanest in the word, killing it.
Yeah.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Paul.
How you doing with the ladies?
Killing it.
Crushed it.
Fucking crushed it.
So, anyways, dude, that's fucking brutal.
But this guy, you know what?
It actually made me mad when he got out of prison.
Not only that he got out of...
On two levels, it made me mad.
First of all, the guy got out of prison.
But the idiots on the news going off on the guy were saying...
Because when he got out, he wasn't on parole because he did all his time.
Because he didn't get time off for good behavior.
Because they were just like...
You know, he had fights in prison.
He was selling drugs and blah, blah, blah.
It's like, yeah.
All that that says in there is he didn't get raped.
He did what he had to do in there to survive.
So, on some level, you have to respect that.
Because that's the big fear as a guy.
Did he rape the girl?
Or it was just rough sex?
I don't know what he did.
I don't know what happened.
That's such a big difference, though.
Well, I don't know if he went like Ron Artest.
Like it was going good and he was excited.
And then he fucking elbowed her.
Why are we joking about this?
He just dunked and then fucking started pounding his chest.
Yeah, and then they didn't show the replay because it was a home game.
No, he fucking...
I don't know.
So, how long did he do it?
They let him out of jail.
Yeah, he did like all 15 or 16 years.
Because they couldn't get him on murder because he said it was like...
I know, like, on rape trials, like, what they always do, like, the hardest
thing to get him on is when they say it was consensual.
So, then all DNA is out the fucking window.
Then you have to, like...
It's the worst fucking thing.
If somebody does that to a woman, they should be...
Honestly, they should just...
They should have, like, a flamethrower.
And they should just have it pointed at the defendant.
And, Jerry, would you like to read the verdict?
On the count of rape, we find him guilty in the first degree.
Just...
Just light him on fire, right in front of the family.
Yeah, yeah.
Right in front of the family.
That's how I would run it.
The same thing with...
Child molesters.
Oh, that's the worst.
Child molesters, that's it.
Child molesters, I would actually have them get chased by rabid dogs first.
And then...
Dude, this Sandusky guy better get fucking...
This Sandusky guy should get fucking drawn and quartered in the courtroom.
Just put his fucking body parts in a bag.
He should be underneath an oil tanker.
And then they should drive it to fucking...
Is that how you...
You drive a boat, drive it to, like, fucking...
That's the most horrific man that's walking this earth.
He's a fucking devil.
That's what I would do with that guy.
What I would do with that guy, I would go into shark-infested waters, and I
would give
him a bunch of paper cuts, and I'd tie him to the front of a boat.
Oh, my God.
I never heard of, like, that one.
That's a good one, man.
Well, Paul, you've got to understand, when you do something like that to
somebody, you
didn't just...
You ended that kid's life, and then you affected generations of people because
who they're going
to marry, how they're going to treat the person they marry, how they're going
to treat their
kids, and then the treatment of the kids, how they're going to act in society,
it just...
It creates...
It's like that little Confucius thing, when you drop the pebble in the still
pond, and
the ripples just go like that, so you've got a little poetic on you.
It's like that.
No.
See, that's what I say.
Tie him to the front of a boat, paper cuts, shark-infested waters, and that's
it.
And you know what's funny?
And this is the thing about it.
That's funny.
That'd be awesome.
And it still won't stop him.
It still won't stop it from happening, but you should just start weeding him
out.
That's a sickness, man, from young...
It's fucking crazy, man.
Yeah.
That's just a...
And it ruins the lives of...
Of everybody.
But the kid forever.
Yeah, it's over.
Why are you saying what I just said, Paul?
Oh, did you say it?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you weren't even listening.
A typical comedian.
No, no, no.
You were thinking about what you were going to say.
No, I was thinking about...
That's literally exactly what I just said.
No, I was thinking about the...
You're thinking about...
I was thinking about him actually hitting the thing like a buoy.
Oh, that's right.
You got that weird fucking shit where every once in a while you think about
doing crazy
stuff, right?
Horrible things sometimes, yeah.
I was getting nervous about admitting this type of stuff.
Like, someday, if you're like on trial, like, you know, I'm going to get put in
contempt
of court because I'd still never rat you out.
But it'd be like, what are you talking about?
You guys talked about this on the podcast.
What are you kidding me?
It was a joke.
Like a garbage.
Oh, we didn't ask the fucking guy's question here.
We were talking about aviators.
He said, what's the breakdown of douchey sunglasses versus acceptable ones?
What kind of sunglasses do you wear?
And does Nia have any say in the matter?
I imagine you wear very non-threatening, low-profile shades.
I can't tell if that's an insult or if he's...
It sounds like an insult, right?
No, I don't think it's an insult.
I think this guy genuinely wants to know what he could wear to make his girl
stop trashing him.
Well, this is what you have to do.
First of all, depending on where you are in your relationship, is if you feel
secure in
your relationship, maybe she's just doing you a solid and telling you that you
look like
a douche.
But if she's always telling you everything, what to do, then you have to
continue wearing
those glasses and you have to wear them over to her mother's house.
Defiance.
Yes, and wear them into the house and don't take them off when her mom's
talking to you.
That's like a buddy of mine, right?
Dude, women, though.
Women, just let me say something real quick.
Oh, God.
More women trashing?
I just hope you're going to be nice to them.
It's just like, a guy's really thinking about it.
And this happens all the time.
This guy's got a genuine concern here.
But I've heard of guys going, yeah, my girl just looked over at me and looked
at that
shirt and goes, ugh, it's such a turnoff.
Take it off.
And I want to be, it's in my mind, I'm just like, I want to be like, dude, shut
the fuck.
Are you out of your mind?
Yeah, but those guys deserve it.
They fucking deserve it, Paul.
If you let the woman in your life talk to you like that, they fucking deserve
it.
The same way a woman deserves it.
If their guy is a fucking asshole, minus them beating the shit out of you.
But I got to, yeah, minus them beating the shit out of you.
If they beat you up, then that's just complete bullshit.
But if they're walking around being a fucking asshole, disrespecting you, that's
on you.
Okay?
Break up with them.
But what if the guy says to her, shut up.
You know, I'm wearing this shirt.
Shut up.
Yeah.
Is he a dick?
No.
Right.
But then it's like, oh my God, don't talk to me.
That's a total turn up that disgusts me.
Take that off.
Just flip it around.
What if you ever said that to your girl?
Exactly.
That's disgusting.
It makes you look fat.
Come on.
You'd never do that.
No.
Even if you said that disgusts me, that would be it.
Listen, here's my answer to you.
They would pout through the fucking dessert that night at the meal.
Well, here's my answer to your listener's question here.
If you like them, dude, and you look in the mirror and you go, you know
something, I like
the glare.
I like if it's orange tint or whatever.
You like it, fucking wear it.
Paul, you know something?
That's why you and your wife are so comfortable to hang around.
Because how many times do you guys tell each other to go fuck yourself?
You say go fuck yourself, right?
You do that, right?
No, we'll just be like, you know something.
Yeah, shut up.
But in a loving way.
Yeah, but you have to keep them off you.
The same way she has to keep you off her.
You know, if she didn't keep you in check, you'd golf fucking nine times a week.
Right.
Yeah.
No, no, absolutely.
There's a fine line in what's like, you know, yes, exactly.
Dude, I had a buddy of mine, right?
He fucking, we went fishing, right?
We were done fishing.
You know, we drank a bunch of booze or whatever.
We were smoking cigars and his wife pulls up and, you know, they told their kid
about
the dangers of smoking, right?
So the kid starts fucking crying and blah, and there's all this big fucking
thing.
And the kid, the guy was literally in the doghouse.
And I guess maybe because the kid was crying, I kind of saw her point.
But he's one of those fucking guys.
I wanted to say to him, like, dude, you know what would really help your
relationship?
Next time you drop your kid off in the car, take out a big, fat fucking Cuban
and just
light it up.
Yeah.
And I go, what are you doing?
I'm smoking a cigar because I enjoy it.
When I come home, I'm going to watch a game.
And I'm smoking this fucking cigar.
And when she says why, you say, because you can go fuck yourself.
And that, and I'm telling you, it's a little blunt.
You can, you can round off the edges.
Yeah, you might not want to, yeah.
You might not want to say you could go fuck yourself.
What I'm just saying is that would help your relationship.
It's like that movie.
Remember the movie there with Kevin Spacey?
When she comes home?
What is that in the driveway?
He's like, that is a 1969 Firebird.
And he just, I went out and bought it because I wanted it.
And you saw the look on her face.
There was a shift for the better in that relationship.
But doesn't he die in the end?
Doesn't he get killed?
Oh, I don't know.
Was that, was that?
That was a weird one.
He wanted to fuck that 12-year-old.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, fuck that movie.
Sitting there with rose petals falling all over him.
So we're saying, you know what?
You wear the goddamn sunglasses you want to, sir.
That's right.

Bill Burr & Paul Virzi -  Aviator Sunglasses, Murder, and Paedophilia

Verzi's got me addicted to Florentine's podcast, and now Verzi does, like, he
does a pretty good Florentine.
Dude, Florentine is the funniest motherfucker ever to just...
Do you listen to Florentine complain about something?
About anything.
Oh my god.
That robot?
Yeah, because that's what I used to care about, right?
That robot, you're fucking kidding me?
It's garbage.
Fucking joke.
Fucking Fox News robot.
Fucking...
You got that, like, robot, the way he goes, like, up, or he, like, drags the
word out?
It's fucking half time.
It's fucking...
That's really good, man.
He's fucking funny, man.
Listen to that guy complain.
Really?
Really?
Like, we've never seen a beautiful woman before?
Fucking that Bud Light commercial.
Fucking ridiculous.
All right.
What do we got here?
This is...
Okay, sunglasses.
There's some really weird ones this week.
People like...
This guy says, hey, Bill, I need...
My listeners send in, like, questions and shit, and I read it just to let you
know.
Billiam, I need to ask you a very important question.
My wife makes fun of my choice of sunglasses.
She thinks they're not hip enough.
I told her I was wearing brown-tinted sunburst aviators since college before
the whole aviator hype.
Is there aviator hype?
I don't even remember.
I don't even know when Top Gun came out.
Yeah, I was going to say, back then, those people who...
Yeah, 1980s.
Yeah, who wanted to be like Tom Cruise.
You know my neighbor, when I was growing up, any movie that Tom Cruise was in,
he got into that.
Like, whatever it was.
Like, Top Gun, he joined, like, the fucking...
No.
No, he joined, like, the Air Force Reserves.
No.
He alligator-armed it.
He joined that, and then...
Days of Thunder, he started racing cars?
No.
Cocktail, he became, like, a bartender.
His rich dad got him out of the fucking...
The fuck out of it?
Are you serious?
Yeah, he started getting into that.
And what else did he do?
There was, like, three things.
So it kind of became this running joke, like, whatever fucking Tom Cruise movie
was coming out.
And then eventually he moved out to L.A., finally just...
Well, why don't I just be a fucking actor?
You know, so I don't have to actually join the fucking Air Force.
Don't know whatever happened to him.
So anyway, aviator glasses, which were, yeah, the Tom Cruise fan slash date rapist.
Remember that fucking kid I was talking about him?
Do you remember that kid who...
He had the rough sex with the girl in Central Park, and she died?
No.
You're too young for that.
Yeah, this guy.
Yeah, this fucking psycho.
No, he killed her.
He tried to say that she wanted rough sex.
It was consensual.
And I don't know what.
He accidentally killed her or whatever.
That puts a whole other meanest in the word, killing it.
Yeah.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Paul.
How you doing with the ladies?
Killing it.
Crushed it.
Fucking crushed it.
So, anyways, dude, that's fucking brutal.
But this guy, you know what?
It actually made me mad when he got out of prison.
Not only that he got out of...
On two levels, it made me mad.
First of all, the guy got out of prison.
But the idiots on the news going off on the guy were saying...
Because when he got out, he wasn't on parole because he did all his time.
Because he didn't get time off for good behavior.
Because they were just like...
You know, he had fights in prison.
He was selling drugs and blah, blah, blah.
It's like, yeah.
All that that says in there is he didn't get raped.
He did what he had to do in there to survive.
So, on some level, you have to respect that.
Because that's the big fear as a guy.
Did he rape the girl?
Or it was just rough sex?
I don't know what he did.
I don't know what happened.
That's such a big difference, though.
Well, I don't know if he went like Ron Artest.
Like it was going good and he was excited.
And then he fucking elbowed her.
Why are we joking about this?
He just dunked and then fucking started pounding his chest.
Yeah, and then they didn't show the replay because it was a home game.
No, he fucking...
I don't know.
So, how long did he do it?
They let him out of jail.
Yeah, he did like all 15 or 16 years.
Because they couldn't get him on murder because he said it was like...
I know, like, on rape trials, like, what they always do, like, the hardest
thing to get him on is when they say it was consensual.
So, then all DNA is out the fucking window.
Then you have to, like...
It's the worst fucking thing.
If somebody does that to a woman, they should be...
Honestly, they should just...
They should have, like, a flamethrower.
And they should just have it pointed at the defendant.
And, Jerry, would you like to read the verdict?
On the count of rape, we find him guilty in the first degree.
Just...
Just light him on fire, right in front of the family.
Yeah, yeah.
Right in front of the family.
That's how I would run it.
The same thing with...
Child molesters.
Oh, that's the worst.
Child molesters, that's it.
Child molesters, I would actually have them get chased by rabid dogs first.
And then...
Dude, this Sandusky guy better get fucking...
This Sandusky guy should get fucking drawn and quartered in the courtroom.
Just put his fucking body parts in a bag.
He should be underneath an oil tanker.
And then they should drive it to fucking...
Is that how you...
You drive a boat, drive it to, like, fucking...
That's the most horrific man that's walking this earth.
He's a fucking devil.
That's what I would do with that guy.
What I would do with that guy, I would go into shark-infested waters, and I
would give
him a bunch of paper cuts, and I'd tie him to the front of a boat.
Oh, my God.
I never heard of, like, that one.
That's a good one, man.
Well, Paul, you've got to understand, when you do something like that to
somebody, you
didn't just...
You ended that kid's life, and then you affected generations of people because
who they're going
to marry, how they're going to treat the person they marry, how they're going
to treat their
kids, and then the treatment of the kids, how they're going to act in society,
it just...
It creates...
It's like that little Confucius thing, when you drop the pebble in the still
pond, and
the ripples just go like that, so you've got a little poetic on you.
It's like that.
No.
See, that's what I say.
Tie him to the front of a boat, paper cuts, shark-infested waters, and that's
it.
And you know what's funny?
And this is the thing about it.
That's funny.
That'd be awesome.
And it still won't stop him.
It still won't stop it from happening, but you should just start weeding him
out.
That's a sickness, man, from young...
It's fucking crazy, man.
Yeah.
That's just a...
And it ruins the lives of...
Of everybody.
But the kid forever.
Yeah, it's over.
Why are you saying what I just said, Paul?
Oh, did you say it?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you weren't even listening.
A typical comedian.
No, no, no.
You were thinking about what you were going to say.
No, I was thinking about...
That's literally exactly what I just said.
No, I was thinking about the...
You're thinking about...
I was thinking about him actually hitting the thing like a buoy.
Oh, that's right.
You got that weird fucking shit where every once in a while you think about
doing crazy
stuff, right?
Horrible things sometimes, yeah.
I was getting nervous about admitting this type of stuff.
Like, someday, if you're like on trial, like, you know, I'm going to get put in
contempt
of court because I'd still never rat you out.
But it'd be like, what are you talking about?
You guys talked about this on the podcast.
What are you kidding me?
It was a joke.
Like a garbage.
Oh, we didn't ask the fucking guy's question here.
We were talking about aviators.
He said, what's the breakdown of douchey sunglasses versus acceptable ones?
What kind of sunglasses do you wear?
And does Nia have any say in the matter?
I imagine you wear very non-threatening, low-profile shades.
I can't tell if that's an insult or if he's...
It sounds like an insult, right?
No, I don't think it's an insult.
I think this guy genuinely wants to know what he could wear to make his girl
stop trashing him.
Well, this is what you have to do.
First of all, depending on where you are in your relationship, is if you feel
secure in
your relationship, maybe she's just doing you a solid and telling you that you
look like
a douche.
But if she's always telling you everything, what to do, then you have to
continue wearing
those glasses and you have to wear them over to her mother's house.
Defiance.
Yes, and wear them into the house and don't take them off when her mom's
talking to you.
That's like a buddy of mine, right?
Dude, women, though.
Women, just let me say something real quick.
Oh, God.
More women trashing?
I just hope you're going to be nice to them.
It's just like, a guy's really thinking about it.
And this happens all the time.
This guy's got a genuine concern here.
But I've heard of guys going, yeah, my girl just looked over at me and looked
at that
shirt and goes, ugh, it's such a turnoff.
Take it off.
And I want to be, it's in my mind, I'm just like, I want to be like, dude, shut
the fuck.
Are you out of your mind?
Yeah, but those guys deserve it.
They fucking deserve it, Paul.
If you let the woman in your life talk to you like that, they fucking deserve
it.
The same way a woman deserves it.
If their guy is a fucking asshole, minus them beating the shit out of you.
But I got to, yeah, minus them beating the shit out of you.
If they beat you up, then that's just complete bullshit.
But if they're walking around being a fucking asshole, disrespecting you, that's
on you.
Okay?
Break up with them.
But what if the guy says to her, shut up.
You know, I'm wearing this shirt.
Shut up.
Yeah.
Is he a dick?
No.
Right.
But then it's like, oh my God, don't talk to me.
That's a total turn up that disgusts me.
Take that off.
Just flip it around.
What if you ever said that to your girl?
Exactly.
That's disgusting.
It makes you look fat.
Come on.
You'd never do that.
No.
Even if you said that disgusts me, that would be it.
Listen, here's my answer to you.
They would pout through the fucking dessert that night at the meal.
Well, here's my answer to your listener's question here.
If you like them, dude, and you look in the mirror and you go, you know
something, I like
the glare.
I like if it's orange tint or whatever.
You like it, fucking wear it.
Paul, you know something?
That's why you and your wife are so comfortable to hang around.
Because how many times do you guys tell each other to go fuck yourself?
You say go fuck yourself, right?
You do that, right?
No, we'll just be like, you know something.
Yeah, shut up.
But in a loving way.
Yeah, but you have to keep them off you.
The same way she has to keep you off her.
You know, if she didn't keep you in check, you'd golf fucking nine times a week.
Right.
Yeah.
No, no, absolutely.
There's a fine line in what's like, you know, yes, exactly.
Dude, I had a buddy of mine, right?
He fucking, we went fishing, right?
We were done fishing.
You know, we drank a bunch of booze or whatever.
We were smoking cigars and his wife pulls up and, you know, they told their kid
about
the dangers of smoking, right?
So the kid starts fucking crying and blah, and there's all this big fucking
thing.
And the kid, the guy was literally in the doghouse.
And I guess maybe because the kid was crying, I kind of saw her point.
But he's one of those fucking guys.
I wanted to say to him, like, dude, you know what would really help your
relationship?
Next time you drop your kid off in the car, take out a big, fat fucking Cuban
and just
light it up.
Yeah.
And I go, what are you doing?
I'm smoking a cigar because I enjoy it.
When I come home, I'm going to watch a game.
And I'm smoking this fucking cigar.
And when she says why, you say, because you can go fuck yourself.
And that, and I'm telling you, it's a little blunt.
You can, you can round off the edges.
Yeah, you might not want to, yeah.
You might not want to say you cou