Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Cheating Whore
Uploaded: 2012-05-01T12:11:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Cheating Whore' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-05-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Cheating Whore' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-05-01. Transcript available.

um all right cheating whore is a great story bill i want to thank you for
helping me out with a
really hard time in my life um i'm 24 years old a student at a university and i
had a girlfriend
could this font be any fucking smaller uh and i had a girlfriend two years
younger than me
we were going out for seven months she's working at a local cafe and about
three weeks ago out of
the fucking blue comes to me and tells me that a regular at the cafe was
hitting on her
she told me that she had a boy she told him that she had a boyfriend and was
reassuring to me that
nothing was going on but we had some problems in our relationship that we
needed to fix because she
felt good with all the flirting and she didn't want to cheat on me wait a
minute but we had some
problems in our relationship that we needed to fix because she felt good with
all the flirting
and she didn't want to cheat on me oh so she liked this guy hitting on him oh jesus
anyways he says i took that shit hard and i told her i would do anything do
anything to make her happy
even though she knew i loved her so i did i gave her all my time and energy to
make her happy oh there
you go there's a fucking recipe for misery fuck all my dreams let me sit here
and cater to your emotions
you cunt um that was the cliff notes um anyways then one week ago she calls me
and breaks up with me
tells me that she fucked with that guy because she was developing strong
feelings for me and was scared
that i would hurt her oh jesus you got to give it up to him you got to give it
up women are like
they're a guy has to learn how to be a pimp women just naturally know how to do
it and i swear to god
it all comes down to the fact that they can't beat the shit out of us the fact
that we could beat the
living shit out of a woman is what kills us in an argument because you're
taking solace in something
that you're never going to do you know it's this card you're never going to
play hopefully unless
you're a fucking animal um meanwhile they're developing themselves mentally and
figuring out
how you work psychologically and they're just like i really think once you're
in a once you're in a
relationship um just to make it fair to help the guy i think like three days a
week or at least during
the arguments like the second the argument starts the woman should always have
on like tear away
clothes and she pulls them off and then she's immediately dressed like hannibal
lecter you know
that ice cream man outfit that he had you know has her hair slicked back so you
just really know what
you're fucking with that is brilliant can you imagine trying to say that to
your girl listen
i fucked this hottie at work but it's only because i care about you so much and
i was worried that you
were going to hurt me because my love for you is so deep jesus you know what i
think i would high
five her i'd high five her on knock a couple of her fucking press on nails off
that was a good one
so anyways he goes i know it's fucking retarded i lost my mind i went to the
cafe and i beat the
shit out of that guy wow mainly because if i didn't i was going to beat her and
she didn't
deserve to find any excuse what mainly because if i didn't i was going to beat
her and she didn't
deserve to find any excuse and because he was an a-hole for hitting on a girl
who was in a relationship
um yeah dude i don't know about that i don't know about that he's doing what a
guy does a guy goes
around and tries to fuck women okay he's not in a relationship with her and he's
certainly not in a
relationship with you the person who is wrong in that is the woman you know now
if that guy knows you
or you came down you gave him a warning you know came down with your clint eastwood
eyes all squinted
up stay away from her you know you did one of those and then he didn't then
that's on him
but you just come out of nowhere can you please elaborate on that like what was
he doing
was he down at the restaurant like you know making a fucking egg over easy and
all of a sudden you
did you beat him down the street like fucking uh sonny and the godfather did
you just throw her into
some like trash little trash can lid or something like that like one of those
fucking the whole
whole goddamn fucking neighborhood season um i actually respect it in a way but
you shouldn't do
it because then you get sued and then she actually feels like she's right see i
knew you was crazy um
now the bitch is blaming me for making a scene oh there it is and because her
boss her bosses look at
her and think she is a whore if she if she didn't
if she didn't thought about the if she didn't think about the consequences why
should i was was i in
the wrong i don't want to regret what i did because she deserved it all i did
was love her and she slept
with another guy it fucking hurts man it really does i can't move on thank you
for hearing me out all right
you know what um when i said you shouldn't have beat beat the guy up that that
was for you that had
nothing to do with her i just don't want you to get sued or go to jail or uh
you know you know you
get a fucking record i mean dude you're you're you're you're you made a move
there that could alter your
future and believe me dude there's a great thing about whores is when you
really there's a i mean
this is going to hurt like hell but there's going to be a moment where you're
going to find this
fucking hilarious you really you've got to believe me on this one at some point
you're going to be
talking about it out loud to your friends and you're just going to say the
situation out loud that
you were in and there'll be enough time has gone by that your feelings for this
girl have faded and
it's almost like it's somebody else and you're going to laugh at yourself and
then you're going
to laugh at the whole fucking thing and it's probably going to hit you that it
was that
why did i risk going to jail maybe you know i don't have like a felony or
something like that
on your record like dude this isn't the mother of your kids all right you can't
trust this girl as
far as you can fucking throw her you know you can't as far as you could fucking
pick her up by the
back of her fucking g-string and the scruff of that awful tattoo on the back of
her net that if she
doesn't have it she's going to get at some point and you can't trust her you
can't trust her so you
just got to get through the bullshit and you're going to be fine but in the
future dude i would
not go i mean you just basically uh you like the transporter for real you just
you did you did like
the movie version of what everybody wants to do in that situation but you did
it for real and you
somehow got away with it uh did you split your fucking slacks when you threw
that high kick to his
fucking cheekbone
i just read that recently i read an article about that guy jason statham how uh
he has to have special
pants on because he can kick his legs so fucking high you can't do that in a
suit without it ripping
now if i was directing the movie i would be like dude that's gonna make this
movie so much better
that if you're standing there in some anderson little suit and you're kicking
so much ass your
slacks are literally decinerating off your fucking legs how funny would that be
then he's standing
there in the end his fucking his slacks are looking like you know the hulk's
pants right bill bixby's
pants after he turns into the hulk that's that that would be the funniest
fucking thing ever
no but it would be all like the inseam and the crotch but like down by the
bottom ah i would totally
have it i'd be like dude we got to do this with real slacks and you have to
wear knee-high black
socks with fucking sock garters just we'll just do one like this jason can we
just do one like this
um yeah dude you you did that you went the real deal on this so uh
luckily you got away with it um and i think it's great that everybody knows
that she's a fucking whore
and um dude just the fact that look she fucked around and immediately tried to
put the guilt on you
then you went down there and beat the shit out of that guy because she's a whore
and now she's
coming back at you once again blaming you so this this was would have been the
the uh the cycle that
you would you would have had if you decided to uh share your life with this
person they would
constantly be hurting you and then blaming you saying that you were the reason
and i swear to god you
what's fucking awful is there's guys out there in relationships like that just
allowing these women
to do shit like this you know but it's never talked about on tv because it's
considered misogynistic
because it's not every woman doing it it's not every woman that's just a select
few yeah i know so are the
guys who beat the shit out of women those are a select few doesn't stop you
from talking about it nor should
it all right there hypothetical talk show host that i'm i'm sitting across from