Name: Bill Burr - Whores With Their Clams Out
Uploaded: 2012-05-07T23:50:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Whores With Their Clams Out' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-05-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Whores With Their Clams Out' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-05-07. Transcript available.

Moving on, what the hell am I going to talk about?
Oh, you know, I went into a bar last night.
Oh, yesterday afternoon because the game's come on early.
So I'm sitting there, right?
I'm with a buddy of mine, right?
Watching the game.
We're having a great time.
And right in like the fourth quarter, these four girls, four or five girls come
in.
And it's a dive bar, you know?
I like the dive bars.
You can get a place to sit, you know?
It's just one of those deals.
Somebody has one of those fucking – what's Nick Nolte's character in 48 Hours?
You know, there's always one of those cars parked out front, some fucking piece
of shit ragtop with some sad dog in the back seat, right?
I like those bars, you know, the bar flag car, right?
So I walk in there.
We're watching the game.
And like fucking with like, I don't know, five minutes to go in the game.
So what's that, like two hours NBA time?
These like five, six chicks come in and they're just like – they're just
train wrecks, all of them, wearing pants where you can just see their clams,
you know, ridiculously tight pants.
Another girl's got these cutoffs with her hat turned sideways, looking like she's
in some fucking Fresh Prince video in the late 80s.
It's just – they were just absolute messes and they start putting money into
the jukebox and they just start singing along.
They start to sing along to Video Killed the Radio Star, right?
And then they just start – you know, and then there's all these fucking old
guys, bar fly, fucking jack offs like my age and a little bit older.
Like way too fucking old for these chicks, right?
And these girls are being like really fucking loud and they're fucking dancing
with each other and they're grabbing each other's asses, doing all this shit.
And you see these guys up at the bar.
They're like – they start like reacting to this sex fucking energy that they're
putting out there.
So two of the girls stand up.
They start – that's what I got to do.
But it was like the fucking accused like times five was going down.
The whole vibe was fucking ridiculous.
So the two girls stand up.
They start like dancing, grinding up against each other.
And then one of the guys eventually like some big fucking sex star bear starts
walking over and starts pawing at the girl.
And then the girl's like, hey, knock it off.
Get the fuck out of here, right?
And my buddy, classic, looks at me and goes, she facilitated that entire
fucking thing.
And it's like exactly – it was – I don't know if they were strippers.
I don't know what their fucking deal was.
But it was just one – that thing that I've always said where you got to have
responsibility for your own fucking safety.
Obviously, that guy shouldn't just feel that he should be able to walk over and
start pawing at some girl.
But, you know, when you're sitting there with your clam fucking outlined on the
front of your fucking jeans and you're grinding up against your friend and you're
pulling her jacket off and she's going, stop it, stop it.
And you keep pulling it off.
I mean what the fuck do you think is going to happen?
You know, I fuck – you know, there's nothing worse than when people act like
the world is a perfect place and then they act shocked when something bad
happens.
It isn't, okay?
There's the way you wish the world was and the way it is.
So fucking act accordingly.
You don't go in there with your fucking hoo-ha hanging out and start grinding
up on your friend in front of fucking five drunk guys who women haven't done a
double take at since the fucking – I don't know.
Fernando Valenzuela struck out the side, okay?
I'm saying they're old people.
It was just – it was a really fucking uncomfortable vibe.
And I literally looked at my friend and I go, look, if we don't get out of here
in three minutes, we're going to be testifying in about fucking six weeks.
For whatever bullshit's about ready to go down.
And you know what kills me is no one at the bar stopped them from doing what
they were doing.
You know, I was trying to think what the fucking male version of what they were
doing would be.
I guess it would be like acting aggressive and almost causing like a fight vibe,
all right?
But, you know, then you get tossed out.
But women can create the accused vibe and I don't know.
I'm probably going to get shit for this.
But, like, you know, I'm not advocating what that guy did.
What that guy did was fucking wrong.
But, Jesus fucking Christ.
What did your dad do?
Did he buy, like, Fisher Price, How to Be a Whore?
Did they make, like, a – remember those little fucking stereos they made?
Did they make, like, a fucking – the whore version of that?
I don't know.
I'm at that age, people.
I'm at that age where I look at women like that and I don't go, like, well,
there's an easy mark.
I now look at them going, like, ah, Jesus Christ.
Where the fuck was your dad?
What didn't he do?
But, anyways, what was actually funny was for some – this is how drunk they
were.
As they were grinding on each other and fucking pulling up each other's dresses
and doing all this shit to fucking – for whatever reason.
Out of nowhere, they just started singing the Star Spangled Banner.
And then the guys at the bar joined in and I have video of it.
I'm going to send it to my guy and hopefully we'll get it up on the site.
I got it, like, halfway through.
They sang the whole fucking song.
And what was funny was that whole fucking is somebody going to get rape vibe
went out the window.
Both sides for, like, a good three minutes were in harmony with some sort of
support the troops vibe just out of fucking nowhere.
And this is the funny thing about it.
This was probably, like, seven in the evening.
This is how fucking wasted everybody was.
All right.
Plowing ahead here.
Oh, whatever.
Women, what do you think about that?
Am I being the fucking caveman there?
I'm not advocating that – I'm saying that those guys, what they did was right.
But, like, you can't – that's like – it's like me.
Like, I've always said this.
That's like me walking through Central Park at, like, three in the morning,
dressed like Liberace singing I'm in the money.
I'm in the money.
I got a lot of fucking cash in my back pocket.
Right?
And then someone comes up, smashes me over the head.
I get a concussion.
I got a fucking – my cheekbones fucked up.
You know, they take my wallet, you know, and all that shit.
Is it wrong?
Yes.
Do you feel bad for me?
Yes.
But what the fuck was I thinking?
You know?
Why don't you just fucking give yourself a bunch of paper cuts and jump in
shark-infested water and then fucking go, and then it bit my leg off.
You're an asshole.
That's – that's my side of it.
All right.
Oh, jeez.