Name: Bill Burr - Advice: My Boyfriend Is A Pussy
Uploaded: 2012-05-29T02:24:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: My Boyfriend Is A Pussy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-05-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: My Boyfriend Is A Pussy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-05-29. Transcript available.

I've been asking some of the ladies to write in, and finally, I haven't even
read this yet, but this already seems like gold.
This is the subject line of this email.
It says, I think the guy I'm dating is a pussy.
Hello, Bill. I am a 21-year-old student.
I began listening to your podcast recently, and I heard you complaining about
how women have not written in in a while.
And being a woman myself, decided to do so and ask you for advice.
Well, God bless you.
I live at home with my mom and go to college.
I recently found a very nice guy there at college and was really into him.
But then I started suspecting something strange.
I started suspecting that maybe he was a pussy.
At first, I thought it was pretty harmless.
But then one night, we had a house party, and everyone was pretty drunk.
And a friend of mine, who I haven't seen in a while, was there.
And when everyone was way, way, way past drunk, she tried to get into a fight
with me and eventually pushed me down the wall,
then stole my iPhone.
And he was there and did nothing.
Jesus Christ, I was so scared that I called my ex to come get me, and he did.
Wow.
You think you're dating a pussy?
I mean, that right there.
Gee.
And he just stood there and let this other guy who used to hook up with you
come in riding in on his white horse?
Anyways, my ex was more of a man than the guy I was dating.
Now, even though the guy I'm dating was drunk, I felt like he should have
protected me or done something.
Anything.
He did nothing.
And later, he even confessed to me that he was scared of my drunk friend and
even scared of me.
What the fuck, right?
Even though he says this will never happen again, I have enough knowledge to
know that people do not usually change like that.
You know, that's a really wise – you're really wise for your age.
At 21, if you're already not buying into the I'm going to change, that's –
you're wise beyond your years.
You know?
They say that you're basically – your psychological makeup is done by the
time you're three.
So if you see some little toddler standing there while somebody's taking his
blocks, that kid's going to be a pussy.
Anyway, so should I be upset or give him another chance?
Is this a deal breaker?
Is there no way to change a guy from a pussy to a real man?
Should I just break things off with him?
And if so, should I remain friends with him?
Thanks, Bill.
I hope you read this.
I love you and Nia.
Oh, that's nice.
All right.
This is the deal.
You're asking a question.
Is there no way to change a guy from a pussy to a real man?
No, I don't think – I think that that happens.
I think it happens way more in movies where somebody has a life-changing moment.
And then they just decide, I'm not going to take shit anymore.
But even then, that just begins the journey of not being a pussy.
You don't just say, I'm not going to be a pussy, and then bam, you're not a
pussy anymore.
You've got to work your way up.
It's like if you were 100 pounds overweight and you're like, I'm done.
I'm not eating fucking ice cream anymore.
The next day, you don't have a six-pack.
It takes a fucking year or something.
You really got to turn it around.
So I don't know.
What are you looking for in a guy?
I mean, I think the fact that you're writing me and you're saying, I think the
guy I'm dating is a pussy, I mean, that actually hurts me on some level.
Just because I insert myself into this story and the person I'm dating would be
calling me a pussy.
Or it could be the ex, I guess.
I don't know.
This isn't about me.
This is about you.
Come on, Bill.
Stop being selfish.
All right.
I think you've totally lost respect for this guy.
And if you don't respect the person you're with, eventually you're going to
blow somebody else, you know, if you don't break up with this guy.
That's what I'm predicting.
If you don't break up with this guy, you're just going to cheat on him just to
facilitate getting out of the relationship.
Because, you know, to get to that LL Cool J moment, we can just be fucking
honest.
But I don't think you like that.
There's something about you knowing that people don't change at your age and
the fact that you're like, you know, this guy's a pussy.
He's not sticking up for me.
And the fact that he didn't stick up for you and then you took charge and say,
well, I'm going to fucking call somebody who will.
I mean, technically, you should have fucked your ex-boyfriend that night and he
shouldn't have been mad.
He should have been like, and he probably wouldn't have been because he's a
pussy.
Yeah, you know, I understand.
I mean, you know, when you needed a big swinging dick, I mean, God knows it
wasn't me.
So, yeah.
I think if you don't break up with this guy, you're actually fighting nature.
All right.
You guys are wired to, I know, you guys aren't wired to just have kids with pussies.
You know what I mean?
You want a strong son, right?
You don't want that pussy DNA in your kid, right?
Oh, that's going to kill you.
Imagine that.
You have a kid with this guy and you want this kid to be like your ex-boyfriend
and it comes out and it's like this fucking little wormy worm guy.
Ah, it'll be awful.
Walking down the aisle to marry this guy with that sheepish, I don't deserve
you.
You know what, dad?
You want this guy to be the man standing down there in a white tuxedo like
fucking Roger Moore and James Bond.
I think, I think, look, I don't know if this just happened and you're really
upset.
So, you know, and like in three days, you're not going to care and you're going
to go back to having a picnic with this guy.
Because for all I know, your ex who came coming back, maybe you broke up with
him because he cheated on you.
Maybe he was too much of a guy, if you know what I mean.
So then you said, well, all right, I'm going to maybe I'm this next time I'm
dating a nice guy.
So now you dated a nice guy.
The thing about is sometimes you date a nice guy.
They can be so nice that they're pussies.
All right.
And look, I'm not I'm not sitting there acting like, you know, if I'm out with
my girl in some fucking 200 pound, 300 pound jacked fucking 25 year old.
Comes up and starts doing shit that I'm going to start swinging because I'm not.
I'm not I'm not getting my fucking head kicked in just for the fuck of it.
No, you know what I mean?
I mean, it's not like just.
You know, straight across the board as a guy, you have to fucking go and get
your goddamn head kicked in.
But this was a fucking woman.
This was a lady.
I mean, he's Jesus.
It's that it is a weird situation in defense of him where.
How do you get the fucking iPhone back?
You start wrestling with her.
Now you're kind of fucking throwing a girl around.
So you're looking at that possible assault charge because God knows that's how
the world worked.
Works right now.
Your honor, I was trying to steal a phone and he that this guy assaulted me.
And you're gonna be sending the gun.
She was stealing a phone and then I can be able to get past.
You're you're a guy and she's a girl.
But.
Yeah, he should have just he should have just held her by the back of her pants
so she couldn't leave.
And just stayed out of reach of her swinging.
That's what you do if you're in that situation as a guy, you just reached out,
you grab by the back of their pants and you just start running in a circle
until cops get there.
So they can't swing at you.
They're running backwards.
I mean, I don't know what you got.
You got to fucking do something.
And he didn't do anything.
That's the big thing.
If you told me.
Honestly, if you told me that this was some giant guy who could kick the shit
out of him.
I wouldn't say that the guy's a pussy.
You know what I mean?
I mean, what is the point of going in and getting a concussion, getting your
tooth driven up through your fucking nose?
The guy's still going to leave with your phone.
You know.
That's that old Richard Pryor bit.
Macho man, I'll take that knife and stick it up your ass.
Macho man.
It's like, no, you're going to get the shit kicked out of you.
But this was a woman.
All right, Bill, for the fuck's sakes, quit your goddamn rambling.
Wrap it up.
I think you know what you want to do and you should do it.
You are dating a pussy.
The fact that when he was sober, he said that he was scared of her and of you.
He seems like he's a little verklempt.
And I just can't imagine.
This is going to be a stereotype, but a guy like that actually putting it on
you in the bedroom.
I really don't.
He probably stares at you in the eye.
Am I hurting you?
Is everything OK?
God, you're so beautiful.
I mean, come on.
All right.
Flip her over.
Mush her face in the pillows.
Oh, she says, and P.S., don't worry.
That cunt I used to call a friend who pushed me and took my phone is no longer
in my life.
Did you get your phone back?
Well, what happened with you guys?
Now, wait a minute.
Can I hear the follow up here?
There's so many different ways this could be going.
Was that like a girl, like when you thought that maybe you were swinging
another way and
all of a sudden you broke up with her and probably not.
It's just my own red shoe diary kind of fucking thing.