Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Foreskin Restoration
Uploaded: 2012-05-30T00:21:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Foreskin Restoration' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-05-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Foreskin Restoration' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-05-30. Transcript available.

Oh, my God. Here's one for you guys. My boyfriend wants to have his foreskin
restored.
By the way, how fresh and new are these emails here just because it's coming
from the female perspective?
I love this shit, all right? Not saying I want guys to email in, but I would
like to have a nice balance here.
I already say enough shit trashing women, so it helps if women come in trashing
guys because, you know, it'll be a nice balance here.
All right, my boyfriend wants to have his foreskin restored.
Dear Bill, I wanted to get your take on a situation I'm in with my current
boyfriend.
I'm a girl. All right.
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend of two years told me that he's become totally
upset that he's circumcised
and wants to restore his foreskin via taping and stretching methods.
What?
And basically why he wants to do this is because everybody, they say that intercourse,
you lose, like, I don't know,
some percentage of sensitivity when you have your foreskin removed.
And all I can say is no guy can tell the difference whether he has a foreskin
or whether he doesn't
because unless you got laid when you were fucking six weeks old, you don't know
what you're gaining or what you're missing.
So I don't understand why you would do this.
So by restore his foreskin via taping and stretching methods, she goes, I know,
I know.
It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it.
I wanted to tell him I think he's out of his mind, but I don't want to hurt his
feelings.
The thing is, I'm totally grossed out by the idea of foreskin.
Penises are gross enough already.
There's no need to make it even grosser.
You know what?
Am I the only guy that totally agrees with that?
Is there anything more fucking disgusting than a fucking flaccid foreskin
covered dick?
I don't even know what it looks like.
It looks like a fucking, I don't know what it looks like.
It's just fucking disgusting.
I don't even have like a reference.
Looks like an elephant dick.
I don't even know what to say.
It's just gross.
It's fucking disgusting.
She goes, obviously, I can't tell him how I feel.
He's clearly having a really hard time with this.
He tells me that he feels violated and disfigured.
This guy's a pussy.
Just throw this guy into the fucking pussy bin and get on with your life.
He also claims that foreskins has a lot of advantage for both partners.
But it's hard for me to totally buy that considering the fact I have slept with
a couple
uncircumcised guy and I didn't notice any extra pleasure, although I did use a
condom with both guys.
Yeah, he's full of shit.
He's full of shit.
It may be more pleasure for him.
I don't know what.
I mean, I think it's amazing that women will put a dick in their mouths.
You know, the least you can do is try and tidy up down there.
You know, how about have a little fucking empathy?
I mean, that's just disgusting.
It's just fucking extra skin.
Yeah, nothing more sexier than extra skin.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like your dick used to be obese and then lost a ton of weight, but didn't
have enough
money to have that surgery.
They get rid of the extra.
Ah, that's gross.
There's another two paragraphs, people, just preparing you for another two
paragraphs of
having an uncircumcised, stretched, taped dick in your head.
Anyway, I think it's absolutely disgusting and totally weird that he wants to
do this, and
I'm starting to get really turned off by the idea of sleeping with him while he's
stretching
out his foreskin.
He told me he's going to tape it to an elastic strap, which he's going to tie
around his
leg.
I know.
What the fuck?
Is he just coming up with this shit on his own?
I told him that he should see a doctor before he starts to do this, but he
doesn't want,
but he doesn't think that doctors know much about this sort of thing.
Oh, so he's just going to take it in his own hands.
Congratulations, sweetheart.
You're dating a fucking moron.
That, come on.
This is the father of your children coming up with, you know, taking an erector
set to
his fucking dick.
It was, you know, do I have to finish reading this?
I'm thinking of breaking it off with them.
Really?
Of course you are.
I thought he was a normal guy, but I had no idea he had all this freaky shit
going on
underneath the surface.
Anyways, what do you think about all of this?
You got to go LL Cool J.
You just got to do what he did.
You're stretching out your fucking dick.
I know I said I'd be true.
You're stretching out your fucking dick.
So I'm leaving you.
Go fuck yourself.
It's over.
Yeah, fucking gross.
Anyway, what do you think of all this?
Am I justified dumping him?
Or would that make me an insensitive cunt?
No.
It would make you a strong person.
All right?
Go with your gut on this one.
This guy is trying to do the impossible like he's that fucking scientist in
that Michael J. Fox movie,
Back to the Future.
He's basically, you know, doing the DeLorean bullshit with his dick.
And he doesn't want to go see a doctor.
Any doctor would tell him, you can't do that.
You know what would be funny, though, is if you dump this guy, right, and it
actually works.
And then he starts screaming like Billy Mays on TV with his dick stretcher.
And he sells it for $19.95 and makes a zillion dollars.
I'm just playing devil's advocate here, you know.
There's a 99% chance you're doing the right thing, but there is a 1% chance you
could be walking away from a potential millionaire.
Because I got to be honest with you, if that guy actually pulls this off, no
pun intended,
if he pulls this off and he's able to do it with some household material, and
then he, you know,
they already make millions of dollars with those pills that say they're going
to make your dick bigger.
Which we all know it doesn't work.
Because if it fucking worked, that would be an international story.
And then it still wouldn't work.
Because then what would happen was everybody would take big dick pills.
Even guys with big dicks, because they don't want everybody else catching up
with them.
So then having a little dick would then be like having a 6-inch dick.
As opposed to a 3-inch, 4-inch dick, right?
Does the math work out on that?
Or you'd get bumped up?
You've got a 6-inch, 7-inch dick, you're just regular.
No, you're actually not regular.
You'd have a little dick.
So if this guy actually fucking is able to pull this, that doesn't even make
sense.
If he thought he was disfigured now, wait until he tries to fucking do this.
I mean, his dick is going to look like, you know, when those people put that
shit in their earlobes?
They put those fucking circular things?
You could shoot a goddamn fucking bow and arrow through somebody's earlobe and
not draw any blood?
He's going to do that to his dick.
Except he's not going to have that thing in there.
And it's just going to be hanging.
All right, Bill.
We got it.
It's disgusting.