Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Lights Camera Dumped
Uploaded: 2012-06-11T18:13:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Lights Camera Dumped' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-06-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Lights Camera Dumped' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-06-11. Transcript available.

All right. Lights, camera, dumped. Bill, I'm a 29-year-old guy and recently
broke up with a funny, attractive, and all-around great girl. Oh, Jesus. Why,
sir, would you do that, you ask?
All right. Two things. Her dad was born without teeth, and you're worried your
baby will if you breed with her, or she has got something going on in the vaginal
area, some sort of odor. Stinky pussy? I don't know. Here we go.
Well, let me tell you. This girl and I have been dating for about three months,
and we had a great thing going. She's half Afro-Cuban, half Puerto Rican, and
really sexy. She had a rough upbringing, but I didn't care because she's honest,
easygoing, and not bitchy like so many girls I've dated. She was a bit needy,
but I didn't mind.
We were out at a bar one night having a few drinks, and I was feeling pretty
good. I was looking at a couple of floozies at the end of the bar, and I asked
her if she's ever been with another woman. She coyly looked at me and said, yes.
Good stuff, I thought. Yeah, dude, this is a fucking fantasy right here.
Fucking red shoe diaries.
Then I proceeded with, have you ever been in a threesome with two girls and a
guy? Again, she answered, yes.
Okay, kind of slutty, but I'm no saint.
Well, I couldn't stop there. Oh, God, you're going to go for the rotisserie
question.
What's in the box?
Oh, here we go. Here we go. Strap yourselves in for this one.
Well, I couldn't stop there, so I asked, have you ever had a threesome with two
guys?
She looked down at the ground, and she looked up a bit ashamedly and said, yes.
Wow, skank alert, I thought.
I then asked her one more question.
I knew this one could back for, where the fuck do you go from here?
Like throwing the high heat to Albert Pujols.
I finally asked, wait, have you ever been in a porn?
She then blushed and looked me in the eye and said, yeah.
I looked at her calmly and was like, oh, but inside I was like, Jesus fucking
Christ.
Yeah, as well you should.
You know, those first couple, I mean, you can, okay, let's break this down here.
All right.
She's been with, she's had a threesome with another girl and a guy.
Who gives a fuck right there?
All right.
You already knew she banged another guy.
All right.
But the fact that she also did it with another girl, that takes a little
fucking, that tones down his dick and her pussy.
Right.
This is how guys think women.
I'm sorry.
All right.
That's something that, that's something in the, uh, the credit.
Is it the credit?
Uh, Bill, why, why, why do you try to talk accounting shit?
You're too dumb.
All right.
That one's all right.
The two guys thing.
Now you can look the other way on that.
Maybe if it, if it was in another state, but it can't be in the same state
because if you run into one of the two guys that fucking, you know, we're high-fiving
as they fucking banged her.
I mean, I, I don't know about that one, but then the third one, she did a porno.
I mean, yeah, no, that's, uh, you got to walk away from that or, or you have to
go to NASA to get tested for the latest fucking STDs.
I would think.
And then also God knows what's going on, uh, mentally that you would do that.
What?
I just like sex.
No, no, no.
There's something going on.
Who doesn't like sex?
I don't know.
Anyways, plowing ahead.
See, so she, he goes.
So basically she had moved down to Los Angeles when she was 20.
She's now 25.
And after a short stint in the military, somehow she got into the porn industry
for eight months.
She did everything.
Ooh.
Fuck, suck, the whole shebang.
I asked her if I could see her video, but she wouldn't tell me her performer
name and said vehemently that it would be impossible to find her body of work.
I asked her why she got into porn and she replies, because I wanted some
feeling in my life.
And then he writes, oh, Jesus.
Yeah, dude.
Oh, this poor girl.
Something happened to her.
The thing was, she was clean, had a good job, and I really liked her.
And the sex was great.
Yeah, obviously.
You know what's funny?
There was something you wrote in the beginning where I just thought she was
going to be good.
29-year-old guy, attractive, all-around great girl.
Oh, the fact that you said she had a rough upbringing, but she was easygoing
and honest and not bitchy.
Right there, I was like, that girl's good in bed.
That just seemed like a kind of free, open person.
I don't know.
I didn't know she was going to be that open.
Oh, Jesus.
Anyways, the thing was, she was clean and blah, blah, blah.
The sex was great, but I couldn't stop picturing her in some sleazy porno that
was probably filmed in some junkyard on La Brea.
So I went to ask for a friend's advice.
Most of my guys were telling me to dump her.
My gay friends told me it was fabulous and that I should overlook it.
I didn't even bother asking my girlfriends because they would automatically
reject her and assume I had AIDS.
There you go.
Keep your options open.
So regretfully, I dumped her.
I felt terrible and obviously didn't tell her it was because she was a porn
star because she would have been ashamed for the rest of her life.
And I was happy that she was honest with me.
I've done my fair share of sleaze, but this was too much.
My question, Bill, was it wrong for me to dump her for some decision she made
years ago?
Should I have stayed with her?
What would have you done?
Well, you don't want to know what I would have done.
I'm a fucking degenerate.
So you seem like a good person.
Dude, when you're trying to find the person you're going to spend the rest of
your life with, you have to have a list of criteria.
All right?
You sound like you're still young, so there's no reason to compromise.
All right?
I mean, when you get with somebody like that and you're going to live with them,
and when you get with anybody, you're taking on all of their fucking baggage.
All right?
You're not healthy individuals, okay?
And that is like a specific area.
This is just my own personal non-medical feeling that you're just not a healthy
person.
Something awful happened.
And that line, I just wanted to feel something.
I mean, something bad happened to her, caused her to wall herself off.
I don't even want to try to guess what.
But, you know, there's nothing wrong with anything that she did, you know,
technically, and she was honest with it.
It all comes down to whether or not you want to deal with it.
All right?
And if you feel that, you know, you want to deal with it and that there was
this sort of connection that you just had, this girl had to be in your life,
then you're going to have to learn to live with it.
But I would be definitely, I would definitely be concerned with certain mental
issues, not like she's insane.
And then I would also be concerned with sexual boundaries, you know?
Like, would she have any?
And could she remain faithful after a while?
And when you settle into the seven-year itch or whatever and you really start
needing to work at the relationship and it's feeling boring and she needs to
feel something again,
is she going to go back to that leather couch from that show Martin?
Ma and, you know, down on fuck in the valley and get banged again.
I mean, I don't know.
I don't know.
That is a, uh, that is, you know what?
That is beyond my skills.
I don't know how to tame that horse.
I can tell you that right fucking now.
I don't, I have no fucking clue.
That's a, uh, you know what?
That's a Dr. Drew question.
That is a, a classic Dr. Drew question.
And that guy within two seconds will get right to the core of it.
I would call, I would call in Loveline, man.
If you're out here, call him up.
Cause that's a, that's a great one.
Um, yeah, I, I guess you'd have to figure out is, is, has she worked through
whatever the fuck she was working through?
And now she's ready to, I mean, I don't know.
Hey, those are some good looking girls down there.
And she's like, yeah, they are or whatever.
Like, I mean, if you kept steering it in that direction, you'd probably get
your fucking threesome right there.
Um, so there's that, there's that option.
The option that you have is if you're with her, like, I think you can, I mean,
that's, that's a selfish fucking, and a, and a, a, a shallow reason to stay
with somebody longterm.
Uh, that Jesus, I don't know.