Name: Bill Burr - Being Home Alone
Uploaded: 2012-06-25T11:21:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Being Home Alone' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-06-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Being Home Alone' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-06-25. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for
Monday, June 25th.
Could you hear me looking for the date there? I kind of like was looking, and I,
June 25th, June 25th in this motherfucker!
Sorry, I'm actually excited because I'm doing it Sunday night, so this fucking
thing's going to be up midnight, West Coast time, in the continental United
States.
Which means I don't have to deal with anybody, you know, giving me shit.
Dude, what the fuck? You know what? What the fuck? Right back at you.
I'm in a great goddamn move. My lady! Lady!
You have left this state, and I am all alone now.
And I'm remembering what it was like to be a single man.
I just made my freckled ass some motherfucking chicken.
I had boneless. I deboned those thighs, too.
Like a motherfucker. I'm in such a stupid mood.
I had boneless chicken breasts. No, boneless chicken thighs.
And brockery. I can't say that word without, I can't say broccoli without an
Asian accent.
I don't know why. I know why, because when I lived in New York City and I was
broke, there was a Chinese restaurant around the corner, and I always ordered
chicken and broccoli.
Okay, if I wasn't eating skeddy with fucking prego, I would call up.
Every once in a while, I would treat myself with little Chinese food, and I
would call up.
They're like, hello, number one.
I'm like, hey, number one, what's up?
Can I get chicken and broccoli?
They made chicken brockery.
And ever since then, I've said that.
So just in case you thought I had any Chinese blood in me, I don't.
I consider those people my friends for all the chicken and broccoli they made
me back in the late 90s.
This sounds like an apology, like a corporate apology.
I had no dealings with, number one, Chinese food.
I did stop in there on a number of occasions.
I did partake in some of the cuisine that was offered, but at no time was there
any inappropriate touching underneath that filthy fucking glass that I don't
think was bulletproof.
You know, I'll tell you, the Chinese restaurants in fucking New York, where I
lived anyways, when I was on the Upper East Side, Jesus Christ.
You know what I mean?
It was like you'd have some, it was either rusty, a rusty grate between you and
the other person or just filthy glass plastic or some shit.
I don't know.
I don't, oh Christ, I don't even know what I'm saying.
Look at my dog just fucking laying there.
Can you get a goddamn job and, you know, contribute?
I'm actually jealous.
I think it's fucking skinny as hell, dude.
My dog's emaciated.
Dropped her off at the trainer.
I don't know what the fuck happened.
What were you doing over there?
All right, let's get the podcast.
Let's get it back under control.
I didn't do shit today.
Anyway, so my woman's out of town.
My lady, she's out of town.
So, you know what's funny is she keeps checking in on me.
You know, what are you doing?
What's going on?
You know?
And you know what it is?
It's one, because she misses me.
And two, because they think that we're fucking morons.
And she just wants to hear, like, what a difficult time I'm having without her.
You know?
Like, oh, I don't even know how to make cereal.
Like I'm some sitcom fucking guy.
All right?
It's not how it's going down.
I did the fucking laundry.
I made myself a healthy dinner.
A protein no bigger than the size of my head.
Isn't that what you're supposed to eat?
And some fun of vegetable.
All right?
Go fuck yourself.
And you know what?
I had a great time doing it.
I haven't cooked in years.
And you know why?
Because my woman is oppressive in the kitchen.
She loves cooking.
So anytime I go to cook, she comes in there.
She's looking over my fucking shoulder.
She says, why are you cutting them up that way?
What are you doing?
You're like, fuck it.
You do it.
You fucking do it.
Why are you always getting mad?
Fucking try to make you a goddamn meal.
It's one of the nicest things somebody can do for you.
Prepare a meal for you.
Just sit there.
Shut the fuck up.
And let me do it.
What do you think I did?
Ate out of goddamn garbage cans before I met you?
She always gives me shit about the way I make my eggs.
Because she always says whenever I make scrambled eggs or whatever,
like there's too much egg gets stuck to the fucking pan
and there's a pain in the ass to wash.
To wash, I mean.
You know?
It's like, I'm sorry.
I don't spray it with, you know,
fuck the ozone layer, Pam, every goddamn time.
Dripping with the shit.
No wonder it doesn't stick.
I'm surprised it doesn't fucking slide right off onto the floor.
This is, you know what?
This is, you're just listening to a pathetic man
who's psyched that he's finally in his place by himself
and he can just deliver his entire argument
without being interrupted.
So, uh, I'm telling you.
She wants to come back.
And as much as she wants the place to be neat,
she wants it to be a fucking disaster.
She wants to feel needed.
She wants to feel that I am fucking lost without her
and I'm such a cunt.
I am not going to let that happen.
This place is going to be spotless.
It's going to be ready for one of those movie drill sergeants.
You know, those guys that get in your face.
I didn't hear you.
You know, you can come over here and bounce a fucking quarter
right off my goddamn face.
Whatever the fuck they do.
Off the beds.
Jeez, the very day I would never make it in the military.
I'm supposed to be able to bounce a fucking quarter.
Why?
Why are you supposed to be able to bounce a quarter?
Why?
Does that somehow make me, uh, you know,
better at fighting the enemy
if I can throw dirty change at a blanket
and then, and then catch it like the Fonz?
You know, what happened to you, sir?
What did you really want to do?
You know, did you really want to do this
and scream at people?
That was your, that was your dream?
To scream at people?
For your entire fucking life?
That's what you wanted to do?
With that Hitler fade?
Do you know Hitler had like a,
a Fresh Prince from Bel Air haircut
mixed with a, uh, Martin Sheen in Apocalypse?
He was Martin Sheen, Apocalypse Now on top,
but he had like, he had a fade down below
that, that Will Smith's character
with the eight ball leather jacket
would have, would have loved.
He would have loved it.
I'm sorry, I've been watching a lot of shit
about fucking mass murderers lately.
And he always comes up, of course.
You know what I mean?
Can't have a thing about mass murders
without Hitler, right?
Just can't fucking do it.
Can't have a rock show without Zeppi.
He's wrestling, man.
Stairway to heaven.
You know, that's what he is.
You gotta fucking have that shit in there.
So, um, so that's my goal.
That's my goal.
And I'm actually wrestling with this.
Should I leave the place a little bit dirty
so she feels like wanted?
Or should I just be,
should I just go fucking like,
you know,
just come with the pimp vibe?
Like this place is fucking spotless.
All right?
So you need to be on,
you need to mind your P's and Q's,
whatever the fuck those letters stand for.
What does it stand for?
Somebody's gonna know.
Somebody actually knows what,
you know,
when you say mind your P's and Q's,
there's some douche,
listen to this,
yeah,
you're a douche,
all right,
that knows what the fuck that stands for.
And they've just been waiting
for somebody to fuck it up.
All excited so they can be like,
I know what it means.
Well, send me a goddamn email.
And by the way,
I haven't said the email for a while here.
Oh,
what a segue.
Fucking classic right there.
I should teach a fucking podcast class.
You know somebody's gonna do that.
Somebody's gonna teach a podcast class
the same way somebody teach a comedy class.
And that's what you do when you're failing.
Whenever you're failing at what you do,
you teach it.
All right,
there we go.
We just insulted teachers.
All right,
the email is
bill at the MMPodcast.com.
Bill at the
capital M
capital M
capital P
oddcast.com.
Bill at the MMPodcast.com.
All right,
if you don't
fucking know it by now,
just hit stop
and rewind on your little player
and you'll be fine.
Oh,
by the way,
can you guys,
I know,
I really appreciate all the input
and all that stuff
that you guys send to me
because God knows
if you didn't send it to me,
I wouldn't be able to do this podcast.
See,
without you,
I'm nothing.
As they slowly dim the lights
and I go into some sort of
pandering fucking song
like that Jackson Brown song
singing about the roadies
like he gives a shit.
You know,
I think he fucking pissed them off
and they weren't setting his piano up right.
So he wrote him a song
just so they stopped fucking with him
so he could get rid of his tour.
And then somehow he goes out of that too.
Oh,
just fucking the whole thing is
I hate pandering.
I don't like it.
And you know,
you know,
the worst part of pandering
is watching a performer
go on stage
and pander to the audience
is watching you fucking animals
eat it up.
You eat it up
every goddamn time.
I gotta tell you something.
We played a lot of cities
but Hartford,
you guys,
you guys are the best.
And they'll be,
woo!
Give me a fucking break.
There's nothing good about Hartford.
You know,
you don't believe me,
ask the Wailers.
Why do you think they left?
You couldn't even hold on
to the fucking Wailers.
How does that make you feel, Hartford?
You know why they left?
Because that stupid-ass song
you used to play.
What's it called?
The Brass City Orchestra?
Yeah.