Name: Bill Burr - Advice: First Date In Four Months
Uploaded: 2012-07-03T01:34:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: First Date In Four Months' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-07-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: First Date In Four Months' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2012-07-03. Transcript available.

First, what's to love, the podcast, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I'm 20 years old, still in college, and newly single.
I decided to try my hand on dating again.
I met this girl on Facebook, and we messaged each other for hours
before I decided to ask her out on a date.
She accepted, Jesus Christ, dude.
She's probably sitting there like, my thumbs are aching.
Will you fucking ask me out already?
She accepted, and we made plans for me to pick her up.
This would be the first date I've had in four months.
I drove to her place, which was around 20 minutes from where I live.
We went to the mall, which is where everyone basically goes on the weekends,
so I thought that it would be a good place to go.
When we got there, we were deciding on what to do.
That's not a good game plan, dude.
You should know where you're going to go and what you're going to do just to
get it going
so then you feel like this guy knows what's going on.
All of a sudden, you're making decisions, and all of a sudden, she's taking her
pants off.
That's how it works, all right?
You can't go there.
You can't treat them like peers.
You've got to put them beneath you.
You've got to have them looking at the floor.
That way, they don't get to say goodnight to nobody.
What movie?
Pope of Greenwich Village.
I did a bad version of that.
Anyways, when we got there, we were deciding on what to do.
I suggested we watch a movie, but nothing good was playing.
See, you fucked yourself.
So instead, we decide to eat dinner.
Applebee's.
We ate at this restaurant in the mall and talked about getting to know each
other.
At the end of dinner, I paid because I was told the man pays on a first date.
What I wasn't told was whether or not I should pay for extra stuff.
Oh, my God.
We started.
Well, first of all, you already set a precedence that you're paying.
The second you pay, you're paying for the whole fucking evening.
Okay?
And fuck all the women who right now are going, that's right.
That's right.
Go fuck yourself, you fucking freak cunts.
We started walking around, and we go into a few stores, and she starts looking
at things
around the store, saying, I wish I had money to buy this.
I wish I had enough money to buy that.
So what I did, because I was trying to be the gentleman and impress her, was
offer to pay
for those things she wanted.
Ah, dude, you just fucked yourself.
She totally doesn't respect you anymore.
You got used.
I ended up buying her some sunglasses, a shirt, a dress, and some shoes, and a
necklace
on a first date, dude.
On a first date.
The first night out with you, just getting to know you.
You buy her dinner and all this shit.
So you realize on the second date, if it's going to go any further, you know,
relationship
has to move forward.
That means you have to buy her even more shit.
All added up to around 120 bucks, not including the dinner.
After that, I drove her back to her place, and that was it.
Of course it was.
Jesus Christ, you bought her a bunch of shit like you were already fucking her.
That was like her blowing you and then asking, can you take me to a movie?
Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on that.
It's not happening.
Anyways, we've gone out four more times since then.
Of course she is.
She's trying to get a whole fucking wardrobe out of you.
And the only thing I got out of this girl was a make-out section.
Yeah, that was a sympathy one.
To be honest, I wasn't really expecting to get anything from this girl.
So why did you buy her all this shit, dude?
You got to work on your self-esteem here, man.
You're setting yourself up to be a sap, and that's exactly what's happening
here.
This is all on you, and you have the power to change this shit.
All right?
Take this fucking girl out next time.
Not her, somebody else, because you've already ruined it with this one.
Okay?
Find another girl.
Take her out.
When you take her out, know where the fuck you're going to go,
and know what you're going to do.
Okay?
And when she goes, no, I wish I had that.
Well, hey, you know, maybe you ought to work some overtime this week.
You know?
Don't say that, but just think that.
Go fuck yourself, and, you know, and just be silent when they say that shit.
Then they'll realize they overstepped some shit.
And, you know, they'll probably feel like they got to make up for it
by maybe giving you a handy.
Anyways, I'm going to plow through this shit.
After telling my friends about the first date, however,
all my friends said what I did was wrong, and I shouldn't have done that.
All my lady friends said what I did was sweet and rare for a guy to do.
Yeah, because they want us to buy him shit.
It's got me at the crossroad of who to listen to more.
Listen to the guys on your team.
Stop going across enemy lines and trying to figure out what the fuck you're
supposed to do.
All right?
Fuck all that.
The only time you talk to broads is if, you know, you're trying to,
well, what should I get her for her birthday?
What's some chick shit that you guys like?
That's what you do.
Okay?
You don't fucking ask them, you know, should I spend all my money?
Yeah, that would be sweet.
Yeah, don't listen to them.
Listen to your friends.
They're setting you straight.
Dude, you dropped 120 fucking bucks, and you didn't even get kissed.
She got everything she wanted.
You didn't get anything.
Yeah, fuck all that, dude.
Fuck all that.
All right?
Don't ask women.
Advice about fucking women.
Like, don't.
Okay?
Immediately, you're making it an away game.
Okay?
You fucking talk to your guy friends.
All right?
And I'm not talking about, like, you know, getting Neanderthal advice.
Because guys will give you stupid fucking advice, too.
Case in point, myself.
But, like, when it comes to shit like that, where you're basically, when you
feel like you went too far, the women are always going to side with going too
far in their direction.
You know what I mean?
That would be like if a girl came up to a guy and said, listen, my boyfriend
wants to, like, you know, possibly bring another girl into the bedroom.
Should I do that?
I mean, what the fuck are you going to say?
And what are they going to say?
You know?
Come on.